Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Prayer of a Righteous (Wo)Man


One of my younger cousins is in prison. He has recently sstarted a job in a work program. His boss has let him call me every day for the last week.

This young man is so precious to me. He lived with us as a teenager. He accepted Christ into his life during that time but has had a lot working against him.

The really cool thing is that his dad (my uncle) who is also in prison, has recently become VERY on fire for the Lord. So much so that he is leading a bible study with a few guys. They are studying the book of Revelation verse by verse. Me, Jerome and the boys visit him about twice a month. We have rich conversations about God, scripture, theology, the church, social justice and more. He even listens daily to an ipod filled with mostly worship music that we gave him a few months ago. He complains about the secular songs on it and says he skips over them. He wants a job in the ministry when he gets out. He would like to intern with Teen Challenge, a ministry to those enslaved to drug and alcohol addiction.

My uncle is also very special to me. He is serving his second prison sentence. He has been in for 10 years this time. His dad (my grandpa) was in prison 3 times. The last time for over 20 years. You see the pattern.

I have prayed fervently many, many times for these men over the years. I have longed for them to know God's love and live in the freedom of Christ. I can't tell you the burden I have carried for each of them at different times.

Not having a relationship with my dad set me up for many failures in life. Seeing the impact of the intimate relationship Jerome and the boys have with each other has made me long for these men also to have this with one another. A father needs to have intimacy with his children as much as the children need this with their fathers.

My cousin, Josh, called Wednesday and was expressing a desire to get a hold of the mother of his young son. We brainstormed on some ideas and didn't come up with much. I finally said, "Josh, let's both pray about it. Let's ask the Lord to put an idea in our minds and lead us to the right solution." He quickly said, "OK." It was a bit awkward even saying it...but I knew he desperately desired to be connected to His son...I knew the Lord desired this too...and I didn't know what else to do.

He called me later that afternoon with great excitement. He said about 15 minutes after he got off the phone with me the first time that he remembered he used to do construction for a guy who is a cop. He remembered this guy's number. He called him and asked if he would find out the contact information for the mom of his son. The guy agreed.

Josh then said, "did you pray when we got off the phone?" And I actually had...the moment we got off the phone in fact.

I was shocked. First of all, what the guy agreed to do probably isn't even legal. Second of all...how did Josh remember the number and why would the guy even agree...he is a cop...Josh is calling him from prison. I knew it was God.

I told Josh this was such an encouragement to me. I admitted to him that most times when I pray, God either doesn't answer yes, or at the very least it takes time to receive an answer. I also told him that I knew God answered so quickly because He wanted to show Josh how much he loves him and desires for him and his son to be connected. And I know the Lord wanted to make me stand their with my mouth open in awe of Him! I love it when He shows off :)

Sometimes I am not so quick to turn to God for the answer to my problems or the problems of others. I set aside time for prayer each day. I even set aside time once a week on Saturday morning to pray with my sweet friend Crystal. Because we all know where two or more are gathered together....

I will even be burdened with a thought and I will tell myself I need to remember to pray later about whatever is weighing on my mind at the moment.

I think God knew I needed a reminder that He is God and I can cast all my cares (and the cares of others) on Him immediately. He will be faithful to answer in His way and in His timing. And sometimes His timing is FAST...but not always.

James 5:16 The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Just another really cool thing. I told Josh we wanted to send him $20 for Christmas. He said he would rather us buy him an NIV study bible so he could understand the scriptures better. Another really cool thing....the bible I gave my uncle (his dad) 10 years ago when he first went into the county jail...he is now using not only to study on his own but to lead other men in the study of God's word.

God just doesn't get any more fantastic than this! He is so good!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I choose to love You!


I have an hour of quiet while Jerome and the boys are at the gym. I was walking around the house picking up with a line of a worship song stuck in my head. I started humming and singing it over and over. This is what it says:

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon, in awe of the one Who gave it all.

I'll stand, my soul Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.

For whatever reason I haven't been in a tremendous 'feeling' season with the Lord. These times are destined but they are hard for me. I am an emotional person. Okay, maybe I am a REALLY emotional person. This used to get me into trouble...a lot. I used to be ruled by my emotions. Now, most of the time I am ruled by Christ.

During my quiet times I have not been greatly moved. I have been going through the motions feeling almost a bit of anxiety because I haven't 'felt' a strong sense of His Presence. Sort of like, "Am I doing something wrong...is He displeased with me in some way?" I have found it less inviting to spend alone time with Him.

I had some drive time by myself last Saturday. It was kind of a country drive and I was excited. I planned on turning the music off and just praying, connecting on an emotional level kind of praying, to the Lord. Still nothing...no warm, fuzzy feelings. I started to tell the Lord how hard this was for me...how much I loved Him and just wanted to feel His Presence...how much I wanted Him to speak to me.

OK...guess what happened...NOT KIDDING...at that moment I came up behind a truck that said AGAPE in giant letters across the tail gate. My mouth dropped. I knew this was the Lord. The Monday of last week my husband spoke to the teenaged girls about having AGAPE love for God. The love that we CHOOSE to have for Him. It is the strongest form of love and it happens to be the one that does not have a 'feeling' attached to it. It is a love of the will. There are other forms of the word love that have more feeling connected to it. Phileo has friendship feelings attached. Eros has sexual feelings attached.
Agape is a choice, not a feeling.

Once God made sure I had time to process this and make the connection, the truck turned. He spoke to me alright :)

I am not a spiritual super hero...nothing special about me. If you were to remove God's spirit you would find a selfish, not-so-nice girl. For the last 13 years I have made a choice to love Him with an agape love. I have chose to read my bible, listen to music that focuses my mind on who He is, to love people, to seek the forgiveness of others when I have sinned against them, to get back up when I fall and miss the mark, to praise Him in the midst of suffering, to obey when I don't 'feel' like it.
Even if the 'feelings' never come again I will still choose to love Him the best I can in this earthly body.

I will choose to do what the words of this song say:

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon, in awe of the one Who gave it all.

I'll stand, my soul Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.








Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Righteous Anger


Can a holy and righteous God get pissed? Yes, I think He can, in a holy and righteous way. He is jealous for us. He doesn't want some of us, He wants all of us. I think He gets angry when anything threatens to keep Him from having intimacy with one of His children...whether it is an addiction, a system, a relationship or any other little god. I think He is a mighty Warrior who is fierce in His passion for us.

Some people who rent a house from my husband have little girls. My husband has fallen in love with them. He was in between jobs a few months last year and would often drop by just to see the girls and play with them. He would go get them and take them to church with us. They LOVED going to church and always asked when they could go again each time he'd come by.

These girls live in a very small space in not-so-great living conditions but they have joy! Their parents started avoiding us on Sundays so we wouldn't take them to church. One Sunday Jerome had enough. He got pissed. I got mad that he got mad. I rebuked him. God rebuked me. He was experiencing God's righteous anger. God was jealous for these little girls to know Him. He wasn't happy that their parents were keeping them from Him. His anger was just.

That Sunday Jerome cried through worship...through the sermon...on the way to lunch...and even sat in the parking lot while me and the boys went in the restaurant to order. Why was he weeping? Because the God of the universe cares so much about these little girls living in this little bitty house on the not-so-great side of town...that He would take the time to be pissed that they were being kept from having an opportunity to know and experience Him.

On the way home that day, Jerome spoke to me of the beauty of God.

The Lord is just in His anger, perfect in His love.

He is jealous for us and this is a perfect expression of His love.

I was reminded of this story. Tonight I was pissed at the thought that someone I love fiercely might be kept from from having an opportunity to know and experience the Lord more deeply. I am jealous for her to not just be a christian but to have a deep intimacy with Jesus. She has been through more than I can wrap my mind around. I want this for her as much as I want my next breath. I think Jesus does too.

Now I know how Jerome felt that day.

The reality is, no matter how intense my emotion...I don't know what will happen with those sweet, little girls who live on the not-so-great side of town. I don't know what will happen with the precious one that my heart aches for tonight.

Yes, a holy and righteous God can get pissed. He can also weep. I am created in His image. I'm in awe that He allows me to feel the smallest portion of what He feels. While I am imperfect in my emotions, He is perfect in His.

Psalm 103:8

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

P.S. Do ya'll like my picture of the angry Wolverine guy? Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself...I know God does :)





Saturday, December 5, 2009

Full Life

Last friday night I sat in a room full of the most beautiful women, inside and out. We worshipped, laughed, cried, prayed and encouraged each other. We shared the joys and sorrows of our journey with the Lord. It was a precious experience.

Many of these women are single and are hurting over broken relationships. I was thinking on the way home how easily, as women, we try and use broken cisterns to get water for our souls. We were created to only drink the Living Water that comes from the Well that never runs dry. It is easiest to turn to people or things to try and satisfy our souls, but for the Christ follower this is idolotry. It is a lie that leads us to being enslaved by gods that were never meant to control our lives. When we seek our fulfillment outside of Christ, we are left wounded, broken and hurting.

I am speaking from experience. Because I too have walked a mile or so on this road and I am familiar with the pain.

What I want to hold out is hope. There is another way. A better way.

Freedom is possible.

I came across this verse. It put truth to my desires for the women who were hurting friday night.

John 10:9-10 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.[a] He will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Jesus came not only so that we could be saved. He came so that we may have life and have it to the full. His desire has always been for us to come to Him daily to be filled...not to a person or substance or object. He knows this is the only way to true freedom. He knows any thing else is a lie from the enemy seeking to kill, steal and destroy our lives.

While my heart breaks for the place that some of these women are at. I have an equal amount of excitement for where the Lord will take them if they will let hope take root in their hearts, take hold of His hand, and let Him lead them into the glorious land of freedom. The freedom to say no to that person or thing beckoning for their highest affections that should be reserved for the Lord alone, the Lover of their souls.

I can confidently say that freedom is possible. That joy will come. That you can have a full life in Christ.

It has happened in my life and is still happening every single day. I say this humbly and boldly.

Freedom is possible.

I remember how weak and miserable I was. I remember how enslaved I was to my emotions. I remember how crippling the pain was.

I am thankful for the intimacy that has been produced between the Lord and I as I have drawn near to Him in my hurt. I am fully aware that I still must do this today, 13 years later. If I try and draw water from a broken cistern I will be left empty. If I come to Him to fill my cup, it will be overflowing. Yes, I have a full life in Christ, and you can too...just trust Him in the midst of the pain. He came so that you may have life and have it to the full!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

He is a Mystery. His will is not.


I have been trying very hard to not blog about Africa so that everyone would think I have a normal, American life. But this morning my heart is FULL of many things concerning the people of Sierra Leone. I am still in awe that the Lord has allowed me the opportunity to visit this little country on the coast of West Africa...that He has allowed me to walk among these precious people who have not been overlooked by Him. He knows each one by name...created them with His own hand and lives to pursue them with His love.

While I have a wonderful life here in America, a part of my heart is always in Africa. I do not go on mission trips and then simply return to my normal American life with little thought of those I left behind. I can't...not even if I used every ounce of strength to try. My heart and mind are constantly flooded with thoughts of my African family. There is a continuous, dull ache because my American and African families are not together on one continent. I doubt this ache will ever go away. I'm not sure Jesus wants it to.

Each time I visit Africa my eyes are opened more, my heart is broken more, and my resolve stronger than ever to let God use me to bring relief and deliverance for these precious ones. Like Esther, I want to have the courage to use my royal, American position for such a time as this. I desperately want to be one of the ones He chooses to bring hope and healing to these sweet people.

I do not deserve to be used for anything. I am weak, sinful, insecure and the list goes on...but I am willing. I am willing. I don't have much to offer, but I want to be used. I don't have much strength, but I want to fight. No, I do not have much, but what I do have I humbly bring before Him and ask Him to multiply it for the good of these people and the glory of His name. I am desperate to be emptied of myself so that I can love more lavishly and live more deeply.

What is the point of living this life if we are not investing in eternal things? I am not asking this from a position of authority, I am asking this from the position of a student who is learning, every day, what it means to deny my flesh, take up my cross and follow Him.

He is teaching me, through His word, through brokenness, through failure, through my relationships, through the times I have alone with Him that the point of this life is to do His will.

He is a mystery. His will is not.

Scripture is clear what our purpose is and it resonates in our hearts if we listen to His still small voice on the inside...if we open our eyes to the needs all over our world. We are called to love the hurting. Reach out to the lost. Nurture our children. Honor our spouse. Clothe the naked. Feed the hungry. Bind up the broken hearted. Fight for justice. Love Him and our neighbors, even our neighbors on the other side of the earth, with all our heart mind and soul.

This is simple. This is also difficult.

It is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to learn to do...harder than breaking my drug addiction or walking out of the strip clubs. But it is also the greatest source of joy I have ever known. I have found more purpose in abandoning myself to Him and allowing Him to love through me more than I ever imagined.

This is our God. A mighty warrior. A humble servant. A just ruler. A defender of the weak. A loving parent. A faithful friend. Yes, this is our God.

I was created in His image. I want to do what He did when He was on the earth. I want to live to do His will for the glory of His name. I do not want to live for selfish gain. This will no longer do. The conflict in my heart is too great. He has won me over in the most wonderful way. I am His. Fully His. Living to do His will.

So off to Sierra Leone I go....again...in 26 days and counting. Pray for me to be emptied of myself and to love deeply.