Saturday, February 16, 2013

He Has Broken My Heart!


He has broken my heart in Africa…once again.  But He is also healing it in new ways. 

 

When I was a little girl I grew up without a dad.  I grew up watching my mom be abused by men. I grew up watching my little brother’s dad adopt him…only to abandon him a few short years later.  I grew up having men molest me, rape me, when they should have been protecting me.  I grew up in a great battle for my soul.  The goal of the enemy…to take away my ability to trust…to trust God as my Savior…to trust that I could give myself fully to Him…to trust His plan for my life…to trust that whatever He asked of me was for my good and not to harm me…to trust that He was not like the men that abused me as a little girl…or even like the men I would later dance for in strip clubs who saw only the value of my sexuality.  God wanted more for me that what I had been given.  God in His goodness allowed pain, wounds and trauma to be sifted through His sovereign fingers into my life so that I would one day cry out to Him in desperation.  The things done against me and the sin I willfully entered into almost destroyed my life.  But God rescued me. At just the right time. When I was powerless.  When, in my wounded-ness and sin I had set my heart against Him…the only One able to heal and make new…He died for me.  He pursued me.  He saw every traumatic event, every moment of rejection, all the moments I cried in paralyzing fear as a child unable to understand the pain in my heart.  Unable to fix it or make it stop. He saw.  He was there.  And then at just the right time He came in and saved the day…saved my life…and began making me whole.

 

I am not whole yet.  His work in me is not complete.  I am still wounded.  I trust more and I’m afraid less but His work in my heart is not finished.  I walk with an incredible weakness and at times feel as if I am constantly struggling to love deeply without fear.  Yet I am increasingly aware of His faithfulness and goodness in all of this!

 

I wouldn’t change anything. 

 

You see, now I am taking care of children who were wounded and rejected even more deeply than I.  Here in my own home I have seen the wounds in the hearts of children I care for.  I have seen the fear in their eyes.  The great struggle they have in learning to trust.  The confusion they battle from not understanding.  BUT I have seen the power of God’s love transforming their lives as I choose to love them deeply because He first loved me.  I see them start to be able to trust as I recount His faithfulness over and over to them.  I see them start to understand…start to blossom…start to be free as I pray day after day over them.  I see them start to believe that God is good as I share His word with them.  I see joy burst forth as I snuggle and play with them.  I know the work is not complete.  But as I make myself available He is flowing through me.  The great beauty of this is….HE IS HEALING ME through these grace-filled, moment-by-moment acts of obedience to do His will.  It requires that I die to myself.  It requires that I sacrifice and pour out my life when I want to cling to my comfort and control my own days.  My future is in His hands and my healing is in my surrender to His will. 

 

I have returned to Africa time and time again only because I feel such a call to the people of Sierra Leone.  I feel as if He has carried me every step in my ministry to these precious ones over the last 4 ½ years.  All the dots seemed to be connected this visit.  He opened my heart this time to see a little more clearly what He has been doing.  The nation of Sierra Leone has been broken by violence, greed…evil.  The only thing that can fix it is the gospel.  Money will never work.  The love of God flowing through those willing to be broken by what breaks His heart and resolved enough to persevere and stay the course is what is needed.  He has asked many to open up their eyes and see…really see the pain…in the hearts of the orphans…in the eyes of the people.  And not only see but be moved to act.  Love is action.  Compassion is action.  Consistent, steadfast action. I saw a fresh glimpse of what these children have been through.  They are growing into young adults.  The battle in some ways is getting more fierce.  They are carrying deep wounds into their adulthood from trauma you and I will likely never be able to wrap our minds around.  Like me…they are walking with incredible weakness.  They have a man, their spiritual dad, who has not shrunk back in his care for them.  They have a few missionaries who have kept their promise to not forget or forsake them.  But what they need is what I need…healing that comes from trusting God enough to love others deeply with the same love they have been shown in the Cross.  This trip was my favorite.  It really was.  I saw a harvest being reaped.  I came as one with very little to offer.  A small team of just 3 of us girls.  A little bit of money.  And a LOT of love.  I watched the missionaries pour love into the children and the children pour love into the missionaries.  I watched the once teenaged boys, now young men, take constant care of us with the most endearing, pure affection.  I saw young women full of pride at being in the university while others humbly served us by cooking and cleaning for us with joy.  My children have risen up and call me blessed.  I could not be prouder of them! 

 

On our 24 hours of travel to Sierra Leone, us 3 girls shared our stories with each other.  We each had stories of pain, weakness, and failure BUT each of us is now relentlessly pursuing the God we love.  I know that in the 12 days God kept us on African soil He poured His love and comfort and healing balm into our lives through the children…and He did the same for the children through us. 

 

I will never understand the mystery of the glory of the gospel of Jesus Christ but I will always praise Him for its beauty and power.  I will spend all of my days in worship.  Pouring myself out.  Trusting deeper.  Loving greater.  All in hopes that the kingdom of God will be lifted up and His Name made great through my broken life.  I will say yes to the next stranger He asks me to invite in, the next wound he asks me to bandage, the next brother he asks me to be persecuted with, the next widow He asks me to visit, the next orphan He asks me to care for…I will say Yes!  I don’t care if I am called a fool…I will spend my life worshiping Him in this way!  As I do may my healing come and His light shine in the darkness through me.

 

What has He asked you to do in His Name..For His glory?  Whatever it is, let your answer be yes.  He can be trusted.  I promise your joy will no know bounds!  He will give you all the grace you need every single moment.

 
Precious believer…join me in pouring out our lives for the sake of the gospel and our King!  He is worth it!  You will see Him and know Him in greater ways.  Yes, this alone is reason enough to be a living sacrifice! 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

My Quest for Joy


I went to Africa on a quest for Joy.

Where do I begin?

God is faithful. So faithful.  Even when I am not.  He can not change who He is.  I love this about Him.  I love that He is perfect and constant in His character and never changes.  I am learning to take great comfort in His sovereignty.  I am seeing Him less as human and more as God.  He is not like us.  He is holy.  High and lifted up.  His ways are not our ways.  In fact they are far beyond understanding.  He is the most beautiful mystery I have ever known. 

He has rescued me from the pit.  Brought me from darkness to light.  He has peeled back layer after layer of His greatness for me to see over the years.  I never would have imagined I could know such joy, beauty, sorrow, pain, purpose all bound up in His Son alive inside of my heart. 

I keep getting these snapshots of what He intends for spiritual family to look like.  The intimacy and care that He wants for us to have for each other.  Letting go of every non-eternal thing that doesn’t matter.  Casting off every idol and sin that gets in the way.  Intentionally growing deep roots with people and inviting strangers into the family He is creating among us.  There is always room for another if they are willing to come and make their home with us.  No one will be turned away.  There are many rooms in His house.  I see an earthly picture of this when 100 orphans are piled into a few small spaces in Africa living as one family.  I see it when God brings one child after another into my own home here in America.  This space He has given us is filling up with people and our hearts are filling up with joy.  Why?  Because this is what matters.  Living together to bring Him glory.  Serving Him together for the joy of others. 

So when I feel weary, foolish, rejected by man.  My heart cries out…YOU ARE FAITHFUL…YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I AM LIVING FOR…YOU ARE MY PORTION AND MY REWARD…YOU ARE WORTH EVVERY TRIAL, TEAR AND SUFFERING…YOU ARE MY SOURCE OF JOY!  Not my spacious living conditions. Not my material possessions. Not my status among men.  No, YOU Lord Jesus are my joy.  Living to do your will.  Living to fight the good fight.  Living to know You more.  Living to pour out my life for your causes.  Living to make You known to others. This is where true joy is found.  This joy inside your Son that wells up despite poverty of spirit, lack of resources, weakness and inability to live for you on my own.  Your joy can not be taken.  It is a gift from you.  What you have given to me, no man can take away. Your joy is deeply rooted in me by the power of your Spirit and it’s evidence is known to me more and more as I seek You and obey what Your Word calls me to.

When I got on a plane to fly to Africa for the 12th time 2 weeks ago I was on a quest for joy.  I had determined to fight for it.  I had spent a great deal of effort seeking it out.  I knew if I was going to not grow weary in doing His will that I must have joy even if it meant chasing it down.  So I searched the Scriptures, fasted, prayed out loud on my knees, asking God over and over like the persistent widow.  He heard my cries and answered.  I am back in my home country and I have brought His Joy with me.  It is real, alive and rooted in my heart.  He has given it to me and I will hold onto it with all of His power that is a work within me. 

He died for us while we were His enemies.  We brought nothing to the table but sin.  He gave us life when we deserved death.  How much more does He want to give us the good things we ask for now that we are His children?  Ask Him for what seems impossible.  Watch as He answers in ways that are beyond your comprehension.  He is a good God and He has good gifts in His hands to give us.  Let us seek Him and wait on Him in trust to provide everything we need for life and godliness.  He who is faithful (even when we are not) WILL DO IT!

 
Praying for you precious ones!