Deeper Still

The River of Blood Hit the Dirt

2012-01-27T08:36:00.000-08:00

This post was written by my husband, Jerome Crawford.

The river of blood hit the dirt.
And the whole earth mourned.
And the whole world shook.
As we watched, they nailed Him to a tree.
Oh the wretched souls of sinners like me.

Do you ever wonder what it was like in that moment? I wonder what it felt like for Peter in that moment “when the blood hit the dirt”. Oh the regret! Knowing how much he had resisted Him. Even to the point of rebuking the Creator. Oh the shame! Knowing his last act of denial was witnessed by beaten Christ as He was dragged along on the way to the cross. Oh God! The regret and shame must have been overwhelming!

My soul hurts for him because I know exactly how it felt! Every day I feel the weight of my sin! I cry out for mercy! Oh the regret that I do not seek Him more! Oh the shame! The times I deny Him with my sin! Sometimes I cannot lift my head because I know He is in the room and I want to be more for Him.

Faint and weary You have sought me.
My savior God to the cross you have bought me.
What a Love You sung for my salvation.
What a cost Your wondrous incarnation.
God you came. God you came. God You came down.

I am not sure when Peter realized that all that blood hitting the dirt was for him. He denied Him while He was on the way to die for Him. When the ephinany came it must have been overwhelming. “I denied Him when He was on the way to die for me but He just kept walking on". What a joy it is to know that while we still sin everyday right in from of Him GOD KEEPS WALKING! The blood still hit the ground!

Oh God please do not let me take this for granted! Many will watch the blood fall and not be moved an inch. They will go about their lives just accepting who they are, ignoring the sound of the river that has hit the ground and will soon wash them into eternity. But I will not! I will feel the weight and I will cry out for Your mercy! I will submit to the current of that mighty river and seek Your face! The current will drive me to holiness and discipline. Oh God you came down and watched our denial, our shame...and You still keep walking. So I will keep walking toward more knowledge of you, more sacrifice for those in need and more holiness in my life! I will make war against myself till the day I die!

Sacrifice and Suffering

2012-01-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

As I follow Him it seems like my life is defined more and more by sacrifice and suffering. I thank Him for this, realizing it is an honor. But it doesn't mean it is any less difficult.

In recent years some of the things He has led us into have been heart breaking. Friends have misunderstood us. People in ministry have opposed us. Enemies have ridiculed us. Family has rejected us. Those we served have attacked us. People we love have been shamed and we've been persecuted for standing with them. Friendships have been left to run on auto-pilot because I'm steeped in raising 6 children in America and 100 more in Africa. Jerome and I literally laugh each week as the new trial comes in full force. We are no longer surprised. I am learning to rejoice quicker, even if it is through tears of sadness or confusion.

God pours out grace and mercy in the midst of these things. He has given us a few incredibly supportive friends, a handful a supporters who faithfully help us, and an insatiable craving for more of Him.

I have learned more about the gospel these last 3 years than I have the first 12 that I walked with Him. It makes so much more sense to me now that He tells us to do things like take up our cross and follow Him, to find our lives we must lose them, to share in His sufferings is an honor. Now I see that the things of this world really don't satisfy. Now I delight to store up treasures in heaven knowing that He is the Pearl of great cost and giving our lives for His kindgdom is where true joy is found!

A lot of my days are hard. I wake up with my sinful self asking for His mercy and guidance and Presence because I simply can't get through the day without it. I am in way over my head and am drowning in my weakness the moment I take my eyes off of Him. My day is filled with caring for children, that part I love, the part I don't like at all is discipling them. It is messy, they all have their issues and personalities that clash and their own areas of sin that they struggle with. I am the one responsible for training them in righteousness...NO PRESSURE! I fail most times but hit the mark here and there and trust His grace to cover it all!

I sneak in a few phone calls to my African children and the pastor they call Dad to see how everyone is doing. Most of my text conversations are with my friend over how much rice the kids need, when their tuition is due, which ones are sick and need medical care and how we can meet the needs of all 100 of them with a few loaves of bread and fish?? My prayers are consumed with asking for helpers, strength to stand firm against opposition and for God to graciously keep using us in their lives.

My days of play dates, hair appointments, shopping, coffee with girlfriends, phone conversations just to chat are no where in sight.

I am not complaining because my life is richer and deeper than it has ever been. Every single sacrifice He has asked me to make has been worth it. Every ounce of suffering that He has asked me to share with Him has brought joy beyond measure. He is the Pearl of great cost and I will keep sacrificing and suffering if it means I know Him more!

Confessions

2012-01-07T13:49:00.000-08:00

I am a week or so into a 40 day fast. I am trying not to keep up with the days so I don't lose heart. I felt the Lord leading this and I was excited because I LONG to be closer to Him. I long to have Him do spring cleaning right in the middle of winter inside my heart. Honestly my heart can be so deceitfully wicked at times. I do not even understand myself. So I am doing whatever it takes to be closer to the One who does. Here is where I am at in the process...

I am a mess. I have so much junk that I have shoved in the recesses of my heart because I do not want to have to deal with my sin. I distract myself with a thousand little gods. I have things I have tried to 'hide' from God because at times I simply do not believe His word enough to put it into practice. Then at the right moment when my heart is attentive to His Voice I stumble across verses like this one:

Ephesians 3:12 In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Me: Really Lord? Really? You mean to tell me that the gospel is true for ME and applies completely no matter how big my sin or failure. Him: (I am sure with a big smile on His face) YES!

I can't even keep my stinkin' fast for a week without cheating...the fast that is meant to be dedicated to seek His face so He can get more glory out of my life. And then He speaks to me again...

Galatians 5:4 You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.

I think sometimes when it comes to myself, I miss the point of the cross. I want to know Him and love Him more. So this is where He brings me to. Back to these elementary truths. The gospel is good news for ME! I have to get this to explain with passion and conviction that it is good news for others.

Since my ears were open He also wanted to tell me this:

Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

I snuck into my closet this morning and with my face to the floor confessed all I could think of then asked Him to bring to mind any hidden sin. What I found was not condemnation but instead mercy. The tears that came did not sting with bitterness but were cleansing and led me to worship Him. He is the God that I DO NOT DESERVE! He pours out grace in my very best moment and in my very worst. If I really believed that I could approach God with freedom and confidence because of Jesus' payment for ALL of my sin when He died on the cross for me...then I would freely confess my sins at all times. I would not hide from Him in fear or shame.

I hurt people around me. I reject others and don't value them. I withhold affection from those who deserve it. I think more highly of myself more than I should. I crave the approval of people. I turn to other things for comfort in my stress. I am selfish...very selfish. I want to control in situations where I am afraid. I demand holiness out of my children that I can't even produce in myself. Oh...my list can go on and on and on. While all of these things are vague, I have become very specific with God in recent days. I do not want to act as if His sacrifice isn't enough for me while telling others it is enough for them.

Not only am I confessing to Him and you my sin. I am renouncing them. I do not want to live in these same patterns of selfish, fearful, rebellious living. I long for holiness in the innermost parts of my heart and mind. So I am asking Him to help me REALLY believe that the same power that kept Jesus on the cross in submission to His Father's will is alive inside of me. This power has the ability to help me make war against the sinful patterns I have developed in the way I treat people.

I want to be like Him so much!!! I want to treat others the way I want to be treated. I want to love my neighbor and my enemy in the same way I love myself. I am powerless to do this in my own strength but this is why He came and died, so I don't have to...because I can't, I have tried and tried again. And today, as I type this I believe that it is possible to become like Him because of my sweet Savior's sacrifice.

The gospel is not only good news for you but for me to!!!

From Stripper to Lover of God!

2011-12-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

I want to blog more, even feel God convicting me to. I have these struggles...I don't have time, who's even going to read it, I have terrible typing and grammar skills, what if people think I am trying to brag and on and on and on. BUT I know to capture the reality and emotion of an event or moments or seasons of life you need to record them as quickly as possible. I know God uses the stories of His work through the lives of others to spur me on to be a living sacrifice for Him...that is what I hope for my life to be for others...for the glory of His great Name!

So pray for me to write out what He doing in me. I will just hold my breath and hit send. Ignore the mixed up words and run on sentences because I have 6 precious ones running around most times.

15 1/2 years ago I was a stripper who gave her life to Christ. What He has done in my life is absolutely miraculous. I am DAILY amazed that He has somehow taken me from all that I was to all that I am in Him. I NEVER, EVER would have dreamed that He would have given me this life. A life that is constantly bringing to my knees in brokenness over my own sin...a life that has called me to die to myself daily...a life that has given me a pure marriage and 3 beautiful children from my womb...a life that has led me to take in person after person into our home, from family to strangers...a life that would lead me to care for orphans and widows in their distress...

I love Jesus! I mean I REALLY love Him. Not just kinda sort of, but love Him to the point that I want nothing more than to see His face!

I never feel so alive as when I am worshiping Him down on my face in my bedroom or as loud as I can at church. I never feel so alive as when I am walking the dusty roads of Africa holding the hand of a child who calls me Mum. I never feel so alive as when I am holding a baby who was once sick and now is healthy and well and smiling. I never feel so alive as when I hear my husband quoting scripture and urging me on to the next level in Christ, pushing me a little further than what I think my heart can bare.

I told Jerome last night that I post cute pictures and sayings on facebook about our foster kids because I am desperate for the body of Christ to help care for the orphans in our own country. I want it to be attractive and entice them to take in a kid or two of their own...or help someone who already has. A year ago I would not have dreamed of taking in a foster child. Too much risk. Too much work. No way. Now my prayers are for others to join with us. I also told Jerome I secretly leave out the really messy, hard parts of fostering children who already have a mommy. I constantly have to push back my fear of the the future. The future could hold more pain than I have ever experienced in my life and I have to face the reality of this without letting it stop me from loving deeply.

My prayers have been consumed for 3 years with begging, pleading, crying tears after tears for God to please, please, please send people to help us care for a group of orphans on the coast of West Africa. My heart LONGS to see them truly be a light for Him for many generations to come. I leave out the part about the HUGE battle around these efforts. Talk about suffering. I have never experienced so much suffering for such a long season over anything. And yet He gives me perseverance to endure and keep going.

I can say with complete humility and utter JOY that today...I am a godly woman. Me, the stripper who couldn't go a day without being high on something and living only for myself. This causes me to worship Him OH SO MUCH! The God of the universe rescued me and has done great, amazing things through me in one person's life at a time.

I didn't graduate high school and I home school our kids. I knew nothing about being a mommy and He has made me a mommy to more children than I can count on my fingers and toes. He has given me a love for His word, a thirst for His Spirit and a longing for holiness.

This is why I tell you these things. If God can transform me into His image in this way and use me to do anything of eternal value, HE CAN USE YOU! I see the body of Christ changing...more are stepping up in radical obedience to do things that require great suffering and sacrifice and I am excited about that...REALLY EXCITED! I also see many on the sidelines who hold back out of fear, complacency or because they don't really believe to be called by His Name means to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Him.

Maybe 2 people read this, but my prayer is that even if 1 person steps out to radically obey what Christ is calling them to it will be worth it. If you don't have anything in particular in mind, open up one of the gospels and start reading. Whatever you see that Jesus did while He was on the earth, go out and do it. You will have many options to choose from, any of them will do. In fact do as many as you can. I know it sounds crazy but He will not rebuke you for it on the last day. He will not tell you that you sacrificed too much, showed too much compassion, loved too deeply, spent your life too freely on account of His Name. You will not regret it. He will be with you.

If He can use me, the weak, the foolish, the despised...He can use you my friend. Let me warn you, suffering will wait for you, but so will great, everlasting JOY!

I am praying for you!

Grateful

2011-11-19T08:23:00.000-08:00

Lord Jesus,

You are good. You are faithful. You are able. I am amazed that I am just one life...I am dust, yet you will fight to let me know how valuable I am to you...how much delight I bring you. Lord, please use me in greater measure. It is my joy and delight to be used by You. Let me pour out my life, my love, for Your glory...for your renown. Lord, give me the grace to not please man but You alone. Lord, please help me to obey You and not shrink back. Use my mouth to encourage and praise! Use my hands to serve and comfort. Use my feet to carry the gospel across the earth. Strip away my pride...my misplaced affections. Please let me serve You in the ways You lead, doing the work You have prepared in advance for me to do. Please, Please, Please give me the discipline and ability to memorize more of Your Word so it can bring life and freedom to me and others through me. Please speak to me more. Please help me focus on You more...delight in You more...praise You more. Help me to see my whole life...even my daily, mundane activities as worship to You. Let me see every act of service...every word of encouragement to others as unto You. Let me give myself fully to You...looking to You for all I need. Help me not be distracted by the pride of life, the things of this world, my own insecurities and failures. Let me fix my eyes fully on the eternal, unseen riches I have in You and not the temporary things of this world that will not last.

Jesus, my Lord and my King! I am more in love with You than ever. I delight to do Your will. I'm alive here in Your Presence. I'm convinced of Your faithfulness. No matter what pain comes in and out of my life I know You are enough...You are unchanging...You are good and You are all I need. Your love makes it worth it all...all the struggle against my flesh...all the battles to do Your will...all the frustration of my day to day failings when I want more than anything to obey You at all times. I look to You and I am lost in Your Presence. You work all things together for my good and call me beautiful. You are worth all of me...all of my devotion...all of my affection. There is no one on this earth that loves and cares for me so perfectly. Your compassion and mercy are constantly being poured out into my life and I am humbled, honored, blessed to be called Your very own...Your forever daughter. Thank you for calling me...adopting me as Your own. Thank You for stripping me of idols and bringing freedom where I was once bound and creating such a beautiful life out of the ashes that I brought to You. You are still making all things new in me. Every day You are making me new. Every day You are calling me closer to You and higher above my circumstances and lower in submission and humility...all by the power of Your Spirit alive inside of me. So with all that I am, I proclaim Your goodness...with everything inside of me I will shout Your praise ALL the days of my life. I love and long for You more than ever before. Please, please consume every single part of me. Lord Jesus have Your way. Let Your will be done in me. You are my Treasure and I will live to know You more!

I love You!

He is Worthy!

2011-10-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have so many things to do. An hour to be out the door with 4 of our 6 kids for an appointment. Everyone is still in PJ's working on school projects...worship playing in the back ground... I just had to stop and share with someone how great God is! Since phone conversations are next to impossible for me these days...I am telling anyone who will take time to read this.

Our great God is faithful! He is beautiful! He is trustworthy!

I have been rushing around the last few days trying to get all the kids to their doctors appointments and last minute things finished. I get the joy of going to take care of orphans for two weeks that don't have mommies to take them to the doctor or walk them to school or tuck them in at night, praying for them and telling them how precious they are to God.

I've been rushing through my days trying to get my mental check list done. (Something hard for me because my free spirits despises check lists) I have also been rushing in and out of His Presence in the mornings. In His grace and mercy He will not allow me to go on like this very long. He loves me. He pursues me. He literally chases me down with His goodness. So...I ended up sitting and just crying a few hours into my day. Crying because I just don't want to value anything over time alone with Him...not sleep...not more things done on my list...I don't want to take for granted that the God of the universe waits for me to wake up and spend time with me.

He is doing so many things in and through my broken life. He is moving in so many ways through the body of Christ all over the earth. His Name is being lifted up...the gospel is being preached...people are living for Him...sacrificially. But what excites me, draws me to my knees is that He chooses to live through ME...sinful, selfish ME! He has given me the boldness to declare His Name, His Truth, His goodness to the lost and the found. He has called and sent me to care for the orphan, the widow, the poor and the oppressed and allowed me to experience His joy as I obey. He has given me the strength to rise above myself and allow wanderer after wanderer to live in our home. Now, I can easily rejoice when I see others doing this...but for me, I know myself...my pride, the wickedness I am constantly fighting against in my own heart.

Today I am choosing to rejoice in the greatness of who He is! I am choosing to make time to sit still in His Presence letting everything else go. I am choosing to remember all He has done for me and through me. I am choosing to give Him the worship and glory due to His great Name!

Pain in the offering...

2011-09-22T07:38:00.001-07:00

My life seems like a constant cliff hanger. I feel as if He takes me in and out of the furnace over and over again and for this I BLESS HIS HOLY NAME! While there is pain in the offering, there is also inexpressible JOY! Let me explain...

I wanted many children all from my own womb. But more than this, I wanted His will for my life. That is what He is giving me.

After my second tubal pregnancy I realized 3 children was all I could I give birth to and I wanted to adopt a fatherless child through DHS. But more than this I wanted His plan for my life. I see it unfolding.

God closed my womb to open up my heart for more children than I could bare on my own in an orphanage on the coast of west Africa. This has brought more joy than giving birth to 10,000 babies! To have Him align my heart with His for the orphan has brought sorrow and suffering. He sent me into a great battle to fight the injustice surrounding their broken lives. I now know Him in ways I NEVER would have had I not taken up my cross and followed Him. This is worth everything I have! Over 3 years into caring for and defending these precious ones I have found that I am less in love with the world and what it has to offer and more devoted to the One who gave His life so these children would know His love.

I still wanted to adopt but I did NOT want to be a foster parent. I did not want to care for the fatherless in this way. There was too much at risk for me emotionally. After all, I was doing my part by taking care of the orphans in Sierra Leone, right Lord? Isn't that enough? You see I tend to love very deeply, which can also bring a lot of pain. I do not like pain!

I ended up being a foster parent in a supernatural, very unconventional way. Completely God! You see God called us to take in 2 foster children we had only known a few weeks into our 4 bedroom, 1,800 square foot house with no substation on our $57,000 a year salary. We had no running vehicle and I was already spread thin homeschooling our 3 boys while helping run our ministry for the orphans. AWWW But He does not ask for my obedience when it makes sense or it seems like the right timing. He asked me to trust and obey Him regardless of my feelings or circumstances. 5 months into our journey we took in our foster children's 4 month old baby sister. I had given this precious one a baby shower when she was still in her mommy's tummy and was certain she was staying with her mommy. Again, I did not see how we would have the room, time, money...but I obeyed. And of course JOY came along with everything else we needed. He surrounded us with support from the body of Christ and poured out His Spirit in immeasurable ways. He has faithfully, no more than faithfully, provided MORE THAN ENOUGH of everything...money, time, energy, love, support. I could type for hours telling you unending stories of His faithfulness just in this situation alone.

This is where I am at this morning... I want these children to never leave our home. Ever. I have cried so many tears in the last 2 days at the mere thought of it. Our home has been a revolving door for the broken, the wanderer and the fatherless for the last 13 years of our marriage. I get ZERO credit for this. In fact I have fought God almost every time He brings new people and every time He takes them out. You see, I want stability in my circumstances. He wants stability in my soul. I want happiness, He wants me to have deep, everlasting JOY! In my pride I want people to look at our life and see order, He wants people to look at our life and see that He is the order in our chaos. I want people to see I have it all together, He wants people to see that I will be a fool for Christ!

He has reminded me this morning that my life is NOT my own. It was bought with a high price. I am to be a living sacrifice. I am to imitate His submission in the garden the night before He went to the cross. If He wants to bring 1,000 more people through our home so that we can speak the gospel to them, live out the gospel for them and share the gospel with them, then so be it! I will say it is an honor, a JOY, no matter the pain, no matter the cost...because to do His will is what the cross DEMANDS of me!

I don't know how long these children will be in our home. I don't know if Jerome will be given his next breath. I don't know if I will step foot on another plane to Africa to see the orphans I love so much. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

What I do know is that Jesus Christ is enough for me. He is all I need. And I will live to do His will. When what I desperately want doesn't line up with His plan for my life, I will bow my will to His and bless His Name. There is no greater joy than to follow Him where ever He leads. There is no greater joy than to welcome in my life whatever suffering He wants to bring, I know it is always for my highest joy and for the glory of His great Name!

Help Us Spread the Gospel

2011-08-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

This is from Jerome:

Help Me Introduce Thousands to the Word of God!

In March of 2012 I will be leading a team to Sierra Leone in a mission to spread the gospel. Our main purpose will be to preach the gospel to villages that have small Christian populations but have virtually no access to the bible. In some of these villages there are even Christian pastors that do not have a complete copy of the word of God. I and some others feel a calling from the Lord to preach the gospel to those still not saved and to take 10,000 bibles to pass out to anyone who will take one so when we leave they will be able to know Him in a complete way. We will be providing training for the Pastors and leaders but all of our training will be to point them to a dependence on the word of God.

I am asking for your help in several ways.

1. Pray! To raise the money and resources for such a trip is beyond us. Not to mention that we do not have the ability to change our own hearts much less the hearts of those who were brought up in different belief systems. We need the Holy Spirit to open doors and in particular to provide the leaders that will lead in these areas after we are gone.

2. Consider! There are several bold evangelists that have already committed to go on this trip. These are humble men who love the gospel and love individuals in a way that humbles me. We have a few medical personnel that are considering going for medical clinics in the villages we visit and we have a medical team from a sister ministry that we are in talks with to unify our efforts. Some of you are called! Please consider coming and helping. If you have ever desired to be in an ACTS like environment, this is it! Do not be scared GOD WILL PROVIDE if you will say yes.

3. Give! We do not have a total cost for this trip right now but we are sending the first thousand bibles over in less than 2 weeks on a container! Please consider donating a bible. The smaller the bible the better. But we will accept any and all copies of His Word. You can drop them off on our porch or in front of our garage. Our address is: 1700 Godhania Rd. Edmond. There is also a drop off location in OKC. Here is a link for more info: http://www.wix.com/cdrwenski/orphans We need to raise another $1500 to pay for bibles and shipping. Please consider giving. All donations are tax deductible and can be made to Komeo International Ministries and mailed to us at PO Box 21586 OKC,OK 73156

4. Stay Tuned! I will send out a more complete list of our plan in the future.

In His Service,
Jerome Crawford
www.komeo.org

Please feel free to forward on or somehow get your church or bible study involved in helping you help us spread the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Lost Are Found

2011-08-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

Written by Jerome Crawford...

Today I had to drive all over the Southside for lunch. I have to do this at least once or twice a week so this is not anything foreign. But this time it was a little different. It is amazing how I can get so lost in the details of today that I forget the Great things He has done. As I drove today I past Southeast High school and I remembered. There is a little nail shop directly north of the high school. I used and dealt drugs there (it was a little restaurant then). I remember… A shooting involving a friend… Several fights… the messed up personalities of the kids I would hang out with. I kept driving and passed an apartment complex where I was involved with a drug deal gone bad. A guy stole some drugs from me and I came looking for him with a 45cal. When I set out to find him I was fully ready to shoot him if necessary (over $300 in drugs) I found him but was filled with fear that I would kill him if I pulled the gun so I just let him go. As I drove I ran into dozens of empty, violent desperate memories. I passed a grocery store on 59th that I used to frequent with my roommate. We would get high and laugh and act crazy there about once a week. He was pretty normal compared to the rest of us...one of the most amazing musicians I had ever met. We laughed so much. Every now and then he would talk about us killing ourselves. One night he talked 3 people into it and they all tried to talked me into it. I refused really I thought it was just an act. Several years ago he shot his wife and then killed himself in front of his three kids. I passed a lot of laughs and smiles but none of them real they all will or have ended in death. They would be great for reality TV but pain was the only thing that was real. Just an endless struggle to try to find some relief or at least fool everyone. We all knew the truth we just were too strong to be broken. Most of these memories were from 20 years ago but I remember like it was yesterday.

I was listing to my iPod and singing the whole time as I remembered. I started to sing a Hillsong live song ...

The lost are found! The blind shall see! The lame shall walk! The dead shall live!!

For this reason I will Love Your Holy Name! I was dead but now I live!! How powerful you are God to save me! Some will look at a star and marvel at your power but I will look in the mirror and know that You are unstoppable! HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU!!! I AM ALIVE AND FILLED WITH PURPOSE AND HOPE!! HOW I LONG TO BE WITH YOU!!! . Please forgive my pride, my selfishness. How can I ever be discontent with the feast that You put in front of me. You are truly Good in all You do. Sometimes I wish You would just strip me clean and make me live a completely sinless life but that would be too easy for You! Instead You raise me as a child teaching me to long for Your name like baby longs for a mother's embrace. I was so ashamed, empty and foolish. Now I just want more of You. I want to know You the unstoppable God!

13 IS MY LUCKY NUMBER!

2011-08-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Written by my precious husband...love that man!

They say 13 is an unlucky number but Today is it the number that is causing me to yell praise to His name. You see 13 years ago in a little bicycle factory converted into a church a ceremony was performed that has enriched my life beyond measure. On that day I heard “I do” come out of the mouth of the greatest gift that my Father ever gave me! Unselfish , Redeemed, Pure, Beautiful, Sweet and in love with Him.. That is what I saw in your eyes as you said, “I do”. If I had known on that day what the next 13 years held in store for me I would have danced and shouted for joy, screaming for joy as Craig asked me to commit everything I had to you.

I know you are insecure! I know how you struggle with thinking you are not a good wife. And I know my sin in not encouraging you more. But I am telling you before our God that you are my Joy in Him. That if I lost you today I would need the faith of Job to survive. I am telling you before our God that if I had the opportunity to press a button and have the same kids and life with any other woman I WOULD NOT PRESS THAT BUTTON!

No other woman would I be able to sit with and just talk about the scriptures for hours, knowing that you are sharing my joy. In worship I see you next to me and I know you are right there with me in desperation, awestruck of Him. When He calls me to suffer for His name I know you are not a wife that will say “give me safety and security”. He provides all that I need and you are in Him and I need you! Yes in His Unending Love He provides a side of Himself through you. Together we stand as ONE with Him. The darkness trembles when we are unified in Him! May it always be so!

I beg You Lord and Father please let us be together 13 times 13 thousand years into eternity! May we be found in You together as one! Complete at Your feet worshiping you! May you give us strength to fight Lord! We will not rest until the Lost are Found, until the blind can see, until the lame walk and until the dead shall live! Lord I know you are near to us! Please help us let our light shine for You. Together we live to KNOW YOU!! Without you we would have already have been divorced, empty and pointless BUT WITH YOU I REJOICE THAT YOU HAVE DONE THE IMOSSIBLE FOR THIRTEEN YEARS IN OUR LIVES! HA! Two hopeless people who could not even hold down a relationship for longer than a month now have walked through the fire and somehow You have kept us!! You are able! You are mighty! Let everyone praise Your name! Those that know us know that You have done the impossible! May our relationship bring you glory for all time! Please continue to bring Glory to Your name through us Lord! I do not know what You will is Lord but may I wake up every day of this fight and see my beautiful and passionate companion. I want to battle with no other! Keep us Lord! We are weak without You! One day without You is enough for us to be crushed! But one day with You and we can change the world and that is what WE WANT!! To Honor You!

Thank You for giving me 13 YEARS with one so strong in You!!!

Desperate for His Grace

2011-07-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

I've been home from Sierra Leone for less than 24 hours. My house is a mess, my laundry is piled up, I am sleep deprived and exhausted and my heart hurts from being freshly separated from the children in the Wellington Orphanage.

Most of all I am a wreck on the inside. I just spent an hour crying on my bedroom floor and this was the second time today.

I want to love Jesus more than I do. I want to know Him more, have more faith in who He is and what He has promised. My heart aches for more of Him. I want less of myself. I want to know and walk in the freedom and grace that He paid for on the cross. I want my heart to burn with more passion for His great Name. I want to be washed in His word. I want to look to Him for all of my satisfaction. I don't want to go outside of His will or long for anything outside of Him. I want to realize more fully just how alive He is and how close He is. I want to be at war with my sin and selfishness and pride. I want to desire His word more than food and His Spirit more than water.

I am such a mess. I needed His grace desperately when He called me, yet I need this same grace as desperately today, to get through this moment. I am nothing without Him. He is the only good thing in me and He is the only One who can offer me hope.

I will never understand why He called me. There are so many who have it together much more than I. I am constantly faced with my weaknesses and my inability to keep it all together. There are many who are more patient and loving and kind and organized and efficient...

Even after walking with Him all these years I still feel weak and desperate and scared to be separated from Him. He is my only Hope...still my only Hope. Without Him I would destroy myself and hurt all those around me.

Yet because He lives inside of me, this great God has called me to great things. He has called me, the impatient woman who struggles to keep her house in order and selfishly battles serving her family, to be a wife and a mom. He has called me, the one who doesn't return emails or phone calls, to be a friend. He calls me, the one who doesn't like to go 2 miles away from her house, to go to Africa 3 times a year to encourage orphans. He calls me to things outside of myself and my natural limits and giftings. He calls me to be a living sacrifice.

Some days I think I just can not do it. I can not bare to take another trip across the ocean to spend time with children only to cry half way home 2 weeks later. I can not not meet the physical and emotional needs of my own 3 children. I can't open myself up to fully love 2 extra children not knowing when their last day in our home will be. I can't serve my husband as though I were serving Jesus when at the end of the day I am holding on by a thread. I just don't have it in me.

Today was one of those days. He let me come to the end of myself. I can't do anything He has asked of me. I can't. I don't have what it takes in my natural ability or giftings.

After crying out to Him begging for strength and mercy...He reminded me through Romans that His grace is what saved me and His grace is what I must rely on every moment of every good and bad day. He is able to keep all of His promises to me. He is able to to make His grace abound towards me in my moments of weakness and trial and sin. If He gave His Son for me while I was His enemy, how much more now that I have been adopted by Him, does He lavish His love and grace on me.

I will never understand how He loves me the way He does. I will never understand how come He keeps calling me to partner with Him to love and serve and be poured out in the same way He was...I am not worthy. I will never understand why He is so patient and long suffering even when I stubbornly try to go outside of Him to find satisfaction for my soul. I will never understand how come this awesome and wonderful and mighty God has given me, of all people, such honor and purpose and unlimited chances when I fail so much. I am choosing to accept the mystery of not understanding. I don't have to fully understand, I simply must worship Him for the greatness of who He is and live in humility at His feet seeking Him with all that I am. I want to want Him, I want to obey Him, I want to depend on Him, I want to lose myself completely inside of His Son so that He can be more glorified through my messy and broken life!!!!

I want for my heart to know that His grace is sufficent for me today, tomorrow and every day after that...

Help a Sweet Foster Child Feed 100 Orphans

2011-07-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

Sweet Lexi walked into our room this Wednesday night. I have some presents for the Orphans! She said with excitement. In her hands was a plastic container filled with various treasures. On the top of the container the name Dresdon was marked out and below she had written “Orphans”. I was so blessed when I looked inside. There was a makeup bag filled with all the money she had saved, some notebooks, some toys and two bags of crackers. The crackers by far were what she was most excited about. She asked Shanna “How many girls are there at the orphanage?” Shanna replied 40 or so. He face went a little sad “I guess they will have to share. I heard you talk about how they only eat rice and sauce and I thought they would really like to eat something different”.

Fast Forward to Sunday night bible study. Shanna was setting at the table telling several persons the story of Lexi’s generosity. When it got to the part about the crackers someone said “that reminds me of the story of the little boy with the loaves and fishes that Jesus used to feed the 5 thousand”. When those words where spoke I knew that God wanted to use Lexi’s crackeers to feed the orphans. Before I knew it I spoke out and said we need to sell those crackers for her so she can feed the orphans. A few people laughed and I felt a little embarrassed. I could not escape the thought though. As me and Shanna left I asked her how many crackers Lexi had donated. “I do not know,” she replied. I told her go home and count them. I told her we need to sell them and let Lexi buy fruit and eggs (we have received no donations for fruit and eggs for this trip) for the orphans for while you are in Africa. She went home and counted. There were 13. Exactly how many days she will be there.

This is where you come in. HA! I feel stupid asking for this but I want to ask you to help a sweet foster child see that The One that adopted her can feed 100 orphans for 13 days through her offering of 13 crackers. Please pray about donating $100 per cracker to Komeo ministry. Each cracker will be one day of fruit and eggs for 102 children. This will be tax deductible and yes I will give you the cracker. This is the kicker though. The team is leaving on Wednesday so you will have to contact. Shana Rutz, Shanna Crawford, Amy Kernel or me and let me know as quick as you can. 100% of your money will go to fruit and eggs than Shana and Shanna will be buying this week for the children.

In His Service,

Jerome Crawford

405.618.7055

Shanna Crawford

570.5334

Shana Rutz

405.659.6802

Amy Kernal

405.537.0451

Daily Giving Up EVERYTHING!

2011-05-18T06:53:00.000-07:00

"Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." Jesus

What does it look like to follow Jesus. Giving up everything. EVERYTHING?!?! It means I must completely lose my life for His sake to truly find my life. And little by little I am dying to myself, letting my life go and finding a truer more glorious life inside of Christ.

What does giving up everything really mean? As for me, it means putting everything on the alter...my hopes, dreams, desires, money, time, influence, resources...everything is His to use in whatever way He chooses. This is where I want to live. I don't want to draw lines in the sand and tell Him, you can not ask me to cross this line, I am at my limit. I don't even know my limit. I don't even know my own heart. I don't even know myself.

So today, I am entrusting all that I am to all that He is and asking Him to have full reign. I want to be poured out, serving Him in various ways with the gifts He has given me. I want to live for His approval alone, counting every praise from man as nothing compared to knowing my Lord is pleased with me. I want to worship Him in opening my home to strangers, I want to glorify Him in teaching my children why a lady bug has spots, I want to magnify Him as I wash my husband's dirty laundry. I want to open my ears to hear His voice and follow where He leads...working when I need to work, resting when I need to rest, playing when I need to play. I want to let Him have complete control...looking to Him moment by moment for the agenda of my day. I have many plans in my own heart, but I offer them up for His plans. I want my life to count for eternity today and tomorrow...and the next day.

Lord, have your way. I give up everything I am today to follow you. I want to be your disciple more than I want to get my checklist done, more than I want to see my hope's come to pass, more than I want to have a perfectly clean house, more than I want quiet, mild-mannered children :) Lord, today I want you more than I want life itself today!!!

He is over all!

2011-05-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

God has asked more of me than I thought I could ever give. I am completely under qualified and unequipped to do anything He has called me to...from the simplest of things to the most complex.

I do not have enough resources, time, energy or wisdom to carry out His will for my life...but He does. He is over all...He is more than enough.

My heart has been crying out for relief. I am realizing I am not super-woman. I am drowning in my weakness.

Even now...floating around in my mind are thoughts from the laundry needing to be done to the people and situations I need to spend concentrated time in prayer for.

Everything is moving from order to disorder on the outside. But inside I am alive. My flesh is being crushed and His Spirit within me is crying out for me to be poured out even more as a living sacrifice.

He is speaking to me in loud and quiet ways. From friends stocking my cabinets with food to feed the extra little people in our home, to the clear illumination as I read His word. He is speaking to my heart to bow down lower, to lose myself even more inside of His Son, to pour myself out for His glory and to make Him known in this earth.

I repent for not rejoicing in all that He is. I am asking Him to renew my heart and give me the grace to let Him have His way in every single part of me. I am choosing to cast aside the bothersome thoughts of unfinished chores and unanswered emails. I am looking into His beautiful face and laughing at the days to come...because after all, my life is not my own, it was bought with a price. I will let go of every idol I hold dear to embrace the cross. I will lay myself down here on the alter and trust Him to do whatever He chooses through this life He has given me as a gift.

If you happen to be reading this, help me through your prayers. He never intended for us to carry our burdens alone. He has given us His Spirit and each other. May we give Him full reign in our lives!!!

HE HAS ADOPTED ME!!!

2011-04-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

This was written by my amazing husband!

I was on my way! Head phones in listening to Passion 2011! I was excited as I worshiped! You see last time I went to Lexi’s school I brought pizza for one mother, her 2 kids, Lexi and one of her friends. Several parents and teachers approached me and asked questions about Lexi. I explained that God was leading me to do this as a way to honor Lexi and to help her make friends at her new school. I was able to point them to God and what God has done! This time I was bringing pizza for 24 kids. Tears of joy and amazement trickled down my face as I thought of giving God Glory through honoring Lexi. Then God brought a thought to my mind, “Get Lexi a rose just like last time”. I hesitated, “I cannot afford it...the pizza is already about $50”. Then I pulled up to Little Caesars on 33rd right next door to Jamba Juice. “Get Lexi a smoothie”. There was the thought in my head again! (Lexi loves smoothies!) I got the Berry banana smoothie, 7 pizzas, 4 two-liters of pop, 1 red rose and arrived at John Ross.

I was surprised as one of the teachers said, “Hey Jerome” as I walked by her?? How does she know who I am? Then I entered the office (without the pizza). “Where are the pizzas?” they asked as I walked into the office. How did they know? I walked out into the hallway and another teacher was walking by, “Lexi’s class will be here in 5 minutes” she said. Then I realized that everyone knew AND everyone was excited! I however was the most excited because I knew that God was getting glorified and even the teachers were talking about what He was doing!

Just then Lexis class started walking in the door. “There is Lexi's Dad!” One of them called in excitement! A few kids cheered and were waving me over to them. HAHAHA. Then sweet Lexi walked in, she ran straight toward me lunging for the rose in my hand. “A rose!” she said with excitement! Her face looked like it would explode with joy. Then I carried the pizza to her class table. I wanted to share God with all the kids but I realized I could not just start preaching so I decided to just serve. For 30 minutes I marched back and forth getting orders for drinks and types of pizza. I noticed that Lexi was so excited that she was not eating her ham and pineapple pizza so I asked her if she wanted to help. She smiled really big and said yes. So we served. The kids kept saying thank you. I wanted so badly to say, "thank Jesus not me!" But I knew I needed to just serve. Every kid got all the pizza they needed and there was exactly three pieces left for me at the end. Then came the pinnacle of the day!

Lexi looked at me and said “show everyone your finger” (thank God for shooting off my finger! HAHA). I held up my finger and kids ran over to see my hand. “That was before you were a Christian when you were a bad guy huh? said one little, cute girl. I replied yes and then she said, “God shot it off because you hated Him huh?” HAHAHA I wanted to say “no he shot it off because He loved me and because He knew that this moment would come,” but I did not. Instead I explained that I was making bad choices and put myself in bad situations because I did not know God. Then I told her that I love God now more than anything and that is why I am bringing pizza for Lexi and her friends. Lexi was laughing for joy as I answered all the questions. Then she did something so awesome! Glory to His name! In response to me saying God love was leading me to bring pizza she started singing and dancing! Spinning in a circle singing “that’s why he adopted me! Because God loves me! “that’s why he adopted me! Because God loves me! Again another kid asked me, “Why did you bring us pizza?” I answered and again Lexi stated singing and dancing again, “That’s why he adopted me! Because God loves me!" Oh what joy filled my heart with her! I wanted to cry out, “God loves me and that is why He adopted me!" (just for the record we have not adopted Lexi. She has a mother that is working on getting her back but we love her as our own and she feels like she is part of our family).

As I dove back to work I sobbed for joy! My shirt was wet like I just ran a mile in the middle of summer. “HE HAS ADOPTED ME AND HE USES ME!!!!” A couple of things came to mind as I worshiped.

1. God uses me! What a great gift! There is no greater pleasure on earth except realizing His presence! I would not trade these moments for anything. If you offered me a new car, a vacation to Hawaii with my beautifu,l wonderful wife for the moment I saw His Gory as Lexi danced and sang for joy, I would laugh at you! I would be a fool to trade that moment for anything. It is where I belong! It is what I long for!!!!

2. Our God is amazing!!! Oh how I love Him!! He is aware of every atom in the universe and holds every neutron in its orbit by His concise thought and yet He cares so much for a little girl that is going through a hard time that he dances for joy as she realizes His Love!!!! ” He is the one that was serving those children and bringing Lexi that rose!! HOW BEAUTIFUL HE IS!! HOW HARD HE WORKS TO SHOW US THAT HE HAS ADOPTED US!!! HOW HE HAS LABORED TO REACH US!!! THE BLOOD OF THE HOLY ONE WAS SPILLED SO THERE WOULD BE NO DOUBT!! SO WE COULD SING AND DANCE AND SAY “HE HAS ADOPED ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME”

Worship Him in Spirit and in Truth

2011-04-19T09:53:00.000-07:00

I snuck into the library one afternoon to have a worship time while I was staying in the orphanage. While I was worshipping I text Jerome, he was worshipping the same God at the same time even though an ocean was between us. I love that His Spirit inside of us connects us beyond space and time which I'm in Africa. I love that man so much! I love our God so much! Here is our un-edited, non-spell checked text-worship to God ;)

Me: He is my Refuge! He is my Strength! He is faithful! As I pour out my heart these things I remember! Let faith arise!

Jerome: Show me Your hart! Show me Your ways! Show me Your glory! Show me Your hart! Show me Your ways! Show me Your glory! Show me Your hart! Show me Your ways! Show me Your glory! Fire fall down on us we pray!

Me: Yes Lord, we want your ways, your heart and your glory! Nothing else!!!

Jerome: We are satisfied inYou!!!!! Why would we need anything else but Your beauty and presence! It makes my hart want to burst like a dam in a hurricane!!!!!!

Me: Nothing compares to Him! Nothing is more important than drawing near to Him! Whatever it takes to draw us near we welcome!!! There is never a reason to rush in and out of His Presence! May we sit and soak in all He has for us!

Jerome: We want You more than our lives! We want You! For You we would be shamed in the Worlds eyes. May they label us fools as we seek You daily! May they call us insane as we give every thought to You!! May that see that we are obsessed!!!!

Me: He is all that matters! May our whole lives be a living sacrifices! May we daily take up our cross and follow Him! Losing our lives so that we gain Christ!!! We ask for forgiveness, grace and mercy and you freely give it...you lavishly love us, your children. You are the Beautiful One!!!

Jerome: Please give us more of You! We are desperate for more of You!!!!!!! You are good beyond measure!!! AND MY HART LONGS TO GIVE YOU PLEASURE!!!!! LET US BRING YOU GLORY!!

Me: Yes Lord, let us be a delight to you! Let us know we are pleasing to you! Let our passion bring you fame!!! Let our love for you draw the lost to your beautiful Name!!!!

Jerome: How I long to praise you!!!! To tell of Your beauty!!! And how amazing it is that You delight in our praise!! We are so messed up!!! BUT YOU MAKE EVERYTHING WE DO PERFECT!!! HOW AMAZING!!! Please give us more !!!

Me: Oh what comfort this brings!!! He is working everything together for our good as we seek to do His will! He make beautiful things out of dust! His grace is sufficient for our broken lives!

If you are married, make Christ the center of your marriage. If you are single, choose a man who is consumed with Christ! I could not imagine being married to someone who dud not share my great love for my great God!!!!

HE IS CONSTANTLY HERE WITH US!

2011-04-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

Lexi and her brother Dresden have been living with us since I came home from Africa. We are fostering these children while her mom has a new baby and transitions back into being a mom full time. When I pulled into the parking lot to take Lexi into her new school the song by Charlie Hall titled, Constantly Here With Us came on the CD I was listening to. I looked in my rear view mirror and could tell Lexi was sad. I asked her if she was listening to the words of the song, if she knew that God was constantly here with her. I asked her if she believed that when I left her with her new teacher that Jesus would not leave her, but instead be with her every second of the day until I picked her up. She said yes. I asked her who is the One Person who would never leave or forsake her. She whispered, God. OH MY GOODNESS...how my heart was made alive through her simple, child-like faith. It was so hard to drop her off...even though I knew Dad-Jerome would be there in 3 hours to bring her chicken strips and a vanilla shake and eat lunch with her in the cafeteria. I drove off with so many emotions. Once I felt settled in Him, I get a call from my husband asking me to edit a note he wrote for Lexi so he could give it to her when they had their lunch date this afternoon. Here is what he wrote:

To Sweet Lexi,

I want to tell you that the God has filled my heart with Love for you. I will do everything I can to protect and cherish you. I want to show you the gentle love that Jesus has for you. I am very happy that God has brought you to our house. I look forward to us all doing many things as a family.

I am here for you as best that I can be. If you need someone to read to you, I will do it. If you need someone to pray with you, I will do it. If you need someone to talk to, I will listen. If you need anything, I will try to provide. I am however limited. But there is one thing that I want to do more than anything else… To show you that there is a GOD who‘s love for you has no limits! Who is with you no matter where you are. I pray that you will see Jesus in the things that I do! I pray that you realize that everything we do is because His love for you fills us!

He is the one who created the furthest star but He also created your smile and every curly hair on your head! You are His masterpiece and His thoughts are always on you. He knows your every thought and every feeling in your heart! Remember to pray to Him! He is there with you in everything you do and will make sense out of everything in your life. He will grow you into a great woman filled with Love and Joy if you will set your life on Him!

This is what I want to show you more than anything else!! That He loves you with a Love as strong as a river and that is why He has brought you to our house!

Love,

God Dad Jerome

OK, you guys, really. I have the most amazing husband, the most amazing life and best of all the most amazing God who has made my next breath possible. I can not tell you how full my heart is of love for HIM!

I love that we are all one family in Christ. I love that we can help parent and love children all over the world if we choose. I love that we can reach out to single moms,orphans, the fatherless, our neighbors, the lost and hurting and make a real difference because He lives inside of us. I love that if we lose our lives for His sake that we find true life in Jesus!

I do not deserve to have this beautiful life....and yet it makes me love Him so much more!

If I tagged you in this note it is because we wanted to fill you in on the new thing that God is doing in our lives.

Christ's Love Compels Me

2011-03-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

So much is going on in and around me. I am preparing to leave to visit 100 orphans in Sierra Leone Africa and I am so excited to be with them again I can hardly stand it! They have become part of our family and I have become part of theirs. With all of the last minute preparations I feel anxiety trying to rise up and non-eternal things to dominate my thoughts. I decided to fight this battle with worship and time in His Presence this morning. Is Isaiah it says the man whose mind is fixed on Him is kept in perfect peace. So I am asking Him to consume my thoughts!

I had the joy of helping host a baby shower yesterday for a precious single mom with 3 children and one on the way. She is a new christian and had only a handful of friends she knew to invite. I thought of Jesus throwing a party and going into the streets to invite anyone who would come sit and dine with him enjoying His fellowship. I invited all the friends I knew to come love on my sweet friend. I invited them not because they knew her but because they loved her, not even having met her, with a love that flowed from Christ living inside of them. And to my surprise MANY of them came. Several pockets of them did not even know each other. It was a beautiful display of the parties Christ throws for us in different seasons of our lives!

As I talked with Shannon later that evening she told me how darling my friends were and how sad she was that none of her friends came. I was able to share with her that God sets the lonely in families. When our old friends do not follow us into our new life in Christ, He has a new family waiting for us with open arms. My friends are now instantly her friends because we are part of the same spiritual family! She expressed sadness over the little girl growing in her tummy not having a dadddy. Again, I was able to share with her that HE is a Father to the fatherless. He will also be a father to her children through my husband and other men in the body of Christ. We will help raise her children.

When I went to stay in an orphanage in Sierra Leone, Africa for the first time almost 3 years ago, I went out of sheer obedience. I have returned the other 6 times because Christ's love for orphans and widows compels me!

There are MANY single moms right here in our own country, communities and churches whose children do not have fathers who are supporting them financially, emotionally or leading them spiritually. These single moms are some of our American widows. Children whose daddy's leave and pay little or no attention to them are our American orphans. God has called us to care for them in a special way so those children will grow up knowing how much He loves them and has not forgotten them. Also so these moms will know Jesus as their husband. I believe He has called us to take these moms and their children into our families, homes and hearts so they will not be lonely and left out.

This is what Jesus does with us. We are all orphaned, widowed, and lonely until we give our lives to Him and He brings us into His family. Ultimately Jesus is our Husband, we are His bride. He is our Father. No matter how great of an earthly daddy we have, he will never compare to our perfect Father in heaven who our soul longs to have fellowship with.

I was raised by a single mom. I had a dad who was never around...still isn't. My brother's dad was never around either. He still has never met him. I was not raised in a Christian home. My brother and I did not grow up learning about Jesus and His love and care for us. My brother and I went down a long road of pain and destruction and watched my mom do the same before I gave my life to Christ in 1996 and my mom shortly after...and then my brother shortly after that.

Now we all love the Lord and go to church and worship Him together. But I can't help but wonder how different things might have been if the body of Christ would have reached out to my mom and her little family in those early stages and drew us into His spiritual family. Now please understand I am not complaining because to have one day with the Lord is better than none! We had a long legacy of addiction, abuse, crime, and more in my family. Now my mom, brother, uncle, cousin, and our families worship together every week. We all lived in deep darkness and were brought into His wonderful light! Now we are leaving our children behind a godly heritage filled with the goodness of the Lord! But this drives me on to want to see His freedom in other people's lives who have a legacy of the hurt and pain of sin. It drives me to want to be used as an instrument in the hand of our mighty God to bring about lasting change where there has been devastation!

I have had the joy of watching my husband be a father to many children, not just the 3 I carried in my womb. He has said yes time after time when I have asked to bring people into our home to live with us. Some he had never even met. May more and more men in the church also rise up in the name of Christ and be a father to the fatherless. May we come along side the lonely and hurting and be Jesus to them. May we bring them into our families and show them how much God loves and cares for them with our actions and our words!

So as I get ready to go be a mommy to sweet African children in Sierra Leone, may I not forget all those who need love and support here in America when I return. And I APPLAUD the MANY I see BEING Jesus with me. Your example spurs me on. Thank you body of Christ! I am so blessed to be a part of such an amazing spiritual family!

I was the sinful woman.

2011-02-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me a text yesterday morning telling me that she had read Luke 7 during her time alone with the Lord. I decided to read it also. Even though I have read Luke many times, these scriptures washed over me anew and stuck with me all day.

Part of this chapter gives the account of the sinful woman who anoints Jesus with her tears mixed with expensive perfume in an extravagant act of worship. All that is said about her is that she had a reputation for her sinful lifestyle. My imagination can fill in the blanks.

I was her. I carried the reputation of the common day 'sinful woman.' My sins were not secret, they were out in the open for everyone to see. Even though I had terrible shame for the lifestyle I lived, I was powerless to live any other way. But then, I met Jesus...

When I was reading about this woman's interaction with the Lord I thought so much of my own first interactions with Him. She was obviously ashamed because she stood behind Him, not even able to look him in the eye. But she was desperate enough that she went right up to Him in the house of those who were 'religious.' Her worshipful weeping at His feet is incredibly beautiful to me. When I first came to Him, I spent days crying, praying, singing, reading His word and writing love letters to Him. I could not contain myself. Though my sins were many, and though I had so much shame, in the middle of my worship He would turn His face toward me and tell me, "Your sins are forgiven."

Jesus, the Son of God, the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world, told me, of all people, 14 years ago that MY SINS ARE FORGIVEN! I had lived as long as my memories started blanketed in shame. As a young girl I started giving myself away hoping to get love in return. As a teenager I ended up dancing in topless clubs for men and addicted to cocaine along with every other drug. I lived that lifestyle for years. But in one desperate act of worship I fell at His feet, and Jesus turned to me and said, "Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you, go in peace." He knew me. He knew better than I did how I ended up at that place. He knew everything that was working against me to destroy my life and in one moment in time, by His powerful will, He stopped it all! He redirected the course of my life. He made me holy and pure though my sins were many and my shame ran deep.

Jesus did more than forgive the sinful woman, he honored her by commending her acts of worship in front of Simon. He pointed out that the one forgiven of the greater debt loves more. He told Simon that because the woman had been forgiven of much she was expressing her great love for Him by her extravagant and unashamed worship.

Oh how I can relate with this woman. Years later, I am still very aware that Jesus paid for my great debt. One I could never pay and that He did not owe. My sins were many and He forgave them all and took away my shame, nailing it to the cross. I love Him for this, SO MUCH! My heart is full of worship for Him, my great Redeemer. What started out as a simple faith in Jesus as the son of God, the only One who could forgive my sins and give me Salvation has grown with experience and knowledge of the scriptures over time. The more I understand the price He paid for my freedom and forgiveness, the more I worship Him. So instead of my love diminishing through the years, it only grows bigger and stronger. I can worship Him boldly and extravagantly without any shame. I can love Him greatly and deeply because of He loved me first.

I know my worship has value to Him. In fact it is all I have to offer Him that noone else can give. He can not get MY love, affection, praise and adoration from anyone else...and may I never hold this back from Him after all He has done for me.

Yes, I was the sinful woman. My sins were many, my debt was great, but Jesus turned to me and said, "Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you, go in peace" and I have never been the same. I will boldly worship Him! I will extravagantly love Him all the days of my life on this earth and into eternity. I wll become even more undignified than this as I live forever more down at His feet!

Going Back to Sierra Leone...

2011-02-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

Sweet Family in Christ,

Well, it looks like it is that time again. God is calling me back to Sierra Leone, the land I have grown to love.

As usual I have been waiting until the last minute to send out an email asking for your help. I have been pondering over why I hesitate. I feel it is a burden on the body of Christ financially and have longed to be able to afford my own trips. Then He gently reminds me of the spiritual pride in this. He is God...He could provide our family with more income...but every part of these journey's to Africa have forced me to be totally dependent on Him. In the end this has caused my love and affection for Christ to grow.

Total dependence on Him is the resounding message He has been teaching my heart...particularly where the gospel is concerned. Though the cross is what saved me 14 years ago...today, this minute I need the gospel to be alive and active in me as much as I did then! As I understand the freedom found in Christ's death and resurrection more clearly I can more boldly share it with others. I have been studying scriptures that highlight the gospel and Christ's daily role in our lives...working more at memorization and meditation. I have been reading other materials, listening to podcasts from various teachers and having focused fasting and prayer times dedicated to understanding more of who He is and what He has done for me and for the world.

I am certain He has used my previous trips to Sierra Leone to aid in bringing me to this point. He obviously thinks they are necessary for the personal work He is doing in me which also affects every life connected to mine. I say all this to say, when God uses you to help me go, it is not only for the benefit of our brothers, sisters and the orphans there. It is also for me and those I'm called to minister to here starting with my family.

I will be travelling with Shana Rutz who is president of Komeo International Ministries. It has been a joy to help start this new non-profit organization. We hope to give the body of Christ in America an opportunity to care for orphans as well as the poor and needy in Africa. We also want to be a part of spreading the gospel in the primary Muslim nation of Sierra Leone. By God's grace we see the effects of this happening when we are there. We are incredibly humbled to be a part of what God has already been doing in Sierra Leone for many years. We are asking for the courage and strength to stay the course in the small part we have been called to.

Our trip dates are March 17-April 1. The first week of our time there will be focused on joining efforts with a team from OSU. I had the joy of serving in SL a few years ago with Dr. Mike Dicks who is an agricultural professor at Oklahoma State University. He, another professor, some students and a good friend of mine, Stephani, will be helping farm some land that will potentially be a food source as well as income for the Wellington Orphanage. Some of our kids from the orphanage will be helping with this project. This should be ALOT of fun! After the OSU team leaves, Shana Rutz and I will stay one more week. We will focus on gathering information needed for the sponsorship program to create a monthly budget. We will be able to meet with our American Helper on the ground to assist us with this. We hope to visit the 3 campuses of the 5 boys from the orphanage who are in college. Our main goal that second week will be to disciple and encourage the children through bible studies, prayer and worship times together. They each have great tasks ahead of them in the rebuilding of their nation, each assigned by the Lord. We want to empower them to walk in the fullness of all God has for them. We are also praying that we can take some of the children to evangelize the community and/or surrounding villages. Our list of to-do's while in country is daily growing. Pray God would show us HIS agenda and itinerary. We have many plans in our hearts but we desire the Lord's plans to prevail!

If you feel the Lord leading you to give, may it be worshipful, may it bring you joy and most of all may it bring you closer to Christ! I have been studying 2 Corinthians 8 and 9. I am asking God that all giving in the body of Christ reflect what I see in these 2 chapters. And may you know that any offering made towards my trip will result in much thanksgiving to God from me and those in Sierra Leone that I am going to minister to.

The cost of my trip is $2,900. Any amount donated will be a great blessing. You can mail donations to my address at:

Shanna Crawford

1700 Godhania Rd.

Edmond, OK 73003

Please make all checks payable to Komeo International Ministries for tax credit.

Here are some specific areas you can pray for us:

*That we would be emptied of ourselves and prepared spiritually for our time in country.

*That we would make the gospel our chief goal in all we do while we are there.

*That His plans would supersede our plans and His will would be done.

*That He would be glorified and lifted high through us.

*That we would grow a closer bond in our relationship with the children and staff through His Spirit.

*That we would hear His still small Voice and experience His Presence.

*That HIS ministry would be established through us.

I love you all so much my heart could burst. I am in awe that He has used you time and time again to help me visit and encourage those He has given me such a deep love for. May you know how much of a difference you are making in my life and theirs!

In our busy culture it means so much to me that you have taken the time to read this!!!

In His Love,

Shanna Crawford

www.komeo.org

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Komeo-International-Ministries/131737380225758

Made Perfect Through Suffering

2011-01-11T19:29:00.000-08:00

I have had a rough day.

I have been asking the Lord to help me understand more of who He is. I have also been asking to be stripped of anything keeping me from coming closer to Him. Well, prayers like these leave me crying on my bed half way through the day :)

I do not want to turn to any thing or anyone (not even myself) but Him in my struggle to maintain day to day...in my discouragement...in my rejection...in my hunger...in my tiredness...in my emotional weakness. You get the point.

I want Him to be my ALL.

I also want to practice what I preach. I really don't want to be a pharisee, pretending everything is perfect on the outside to only be filled with spiritual pride on the inside. So to make sure that does not happen, I struggle with my flesh to gain mastery over it through the power of His Spirit. I fight with all of His energy inside of me to be less like me and more like Him.

Some days it is SO hard. I just want to give into my flesh. I want to be like the normal, luke-warm church member. I want to only give Him reign in the areas I choose. I want to just be human. But then I remember, He created me to be super-human. This world is not my home and it's ways are not my ways. I am called to be like Him.

As I wept on my bed I asked Him to forgive me for the places I have not been trusting Him. As I cried the most precious thing happened, I felt the freedom that comes with His forgiveness. I came to His throne for grace and mercy in my time of need and he freely gave it to me.

I wish I could say everything was perfect after that. Nope. Since then I have been tired, hungry, emotionally needy, sick...and in the struggle of these 'feelings' and circumstances I had to choose Him over coffee, Taco Mayo, facebook, self-pity...

Now that the day is ending I am so glad that I chose to memorize Hebrews 2:10 this morning. I have found great comfort today in knowing that the author of my salvation was made perfect through suffering.

This makes my American suffering a bit more bearable ;)

Hebrews 2:10
In bringing many sons and daughters to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through what he suffered.

The Radiance of God's Glory

2011-01-10T14:01:00.001-08:00

I have been intentionally making more time to spend with the Lord in the last week. I have been asking Him to help me understand more of who He is. He is so much more than Savior. And Savior would be more than enough.

I am going to blog over the next few weeks what He shows me.

As for now, I am blown away that this God who always was, always is and always will be is not ashamed to call us brothers and sisters. He is our faithful and merciful High Priest. He is our Intercessor. He chooses to dwell inside of us: sinful, weak, human beings who were at one time His enemies. He left heaven to come and live among us so that He could experience every temptation that we face. Instead of giving us the wrath we deserve, He says that we can find mercy and grace at His throne in our time of need.

He is so much more than my mind can conceive and He has given me my whole life to seek Him out in all of His mystery. I really want to KNOW Him, not know about Him, not learn stories that make me feel good. I want to KNOW Him. I want to know the power of His resurrected life living inside of me. I want to know and experience Him by sharing in His sufferings. I want to KNOW Him in His fullness, through the scriptures and through my daily experience with Him.

He has taken me on a journey in the last year to really understand what the gospel means for me and humanity. To understand the importance of the good news of Jesus Christ and to radically share it with others. As I am carrying out this conviction I feel I must understand who Jesus Christ is more fully. I want to build every part of my life on the foundation of who He is.

Please pray for me as I seek to know the Risen One in deeper ways...ways that will change my thinking and my life.

Hebrews 1:3 The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.

There is Only One

2010-11-30T08:59:00.000-08:00

This was the last line I read this morning in My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers...

There is only one relationship that matters, and that is your personal relationship to a personal Redeemer and Lord. Let everything else go, but maintain that at all costs, and God will fulfil His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God's purposes, and yours may be that life.

When I am not maintaining my relationship with the Lord by spending time with Him, nothing else is in sync...the rythm of my life is off...because He is my life. If I am not allowing Him to fill me day after day, what do I have to pour into any other relationship that has any True worth and value? I can not count on any other relationship to provide what only He can. I should not look to others to satisfy me the way only God is suppose to. I should not give my highest affections to anyone except the One I was created to worship for all of my days. If I believe that He is the One who gives me my very next breath...and holds my very life together by His power, then why would I not make my relationship with Him my very, highest priority?

Even though spending time with Him may cost me sleep, time with my kids, comfort or even popularity...I must choose to maintain this precious relationship between me and my Lord. I must choose, at times, to let everything else go and just sit in His Presence! Nothing compares, NOTHING!

By His grace, I have made spending time with Him a habitual practice over my years of being a Christian. My life is a living testimony that He fulfills His purposes through our lives when we make Him our highest Treasure. As we spend time with Him, He reveals to us the desires of His heart...and they become our own desires. He reveals to us His plans and purposes and then allows us to walk in them. The great and mighty One accomplishes His will through our weak and broken lives simply because we lay ourselves before Him day after day.

One day, we will cast aside all other relationships as we live for all of eternity in the only One that really matters!!!

Watch and Wait

2010-11-24T07:58:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling discontent and disconnected from God recently. I can't go on very long like this because I become miserable. I have become so addicted to Him, so dependant on Him to sustain me emotionally that even when I try to find satisfaction outside of Him I just end up running right back.

The last few words in My Utmost for His Highest this morning was this: Wherever there is a spiritual drain in your life, correct it immediately. Realize that something has been coming in between you and God, and change or remove it at once.

With that thought resonating with me...I read through a few chapters of Proverbs and landed here: Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway. Proverbs 8:34

I had to ask myself, am I DAILY watching at his doors and waiting at His doorway for Him to satisfy the longings of my soul, or am I watching at the doors of the world and waiting at the doorway of our culture for my satisfaction?

I humbled myself and chose to worship Him. I literally got on my knees and turned up the volume on my ipod and sang out to Him as loud as I needed to drown out my own pestering thoughts! His Presence became life to me, I found freedom and joy down there on my knees. Now, it doesn't always happen this way, but today I it did and I am rejoicing.

He is all we need! If we believe this is true then our greatest desire should be more of Him! To have more of Him we need less of us. To have less of us we must allow Him to strip us of our little gods and tear down the alters left up by our forefathers. We must choose to go against the grain of our culture and press into Him. We must DAILY listen to His Voice, not the voice of the world. We must DAILY watch at His doors! Not the doors of our culture. He has fullness of joy and freedom waiting at His doorway for us!

This morning I realized the things that are a spiritual drain in my life, and by the power of the Holy Spirit was able to correct it immediately. I realized the thoughts that were coming between me and God and I removed them at once by getting on my knees and focusing my thoughts on the greatness of God in worship. (Your spiritual drain and distractions are likely different from mine, but I am certain if you are reading this you have the same common struggle.)

It doesn't always happen this way. I am not always obedient. I do not always do what I know to do to be closer to God. But today I did, by His power at work within me...so I am rejoicing! I am also sharing with you so you might seek Him out to and experience the sweetness only His Presence can bring!

Just as He calls us to listen for His Voice, watch and wait for Him, I believe He also waits and watches DAILY for us to wake up and lift our voices to Him before we do to anyone else.

As I was typing this, our 5 year old came into our bedroom. Right after I prayed for him and tucked him into bed last night, I told him I would miss him while he was sleeping. I also told him as soon as he woke up I wanted him to come straight to my room so we could snuggle. He did just that. He came stumbling in, half asleep, crawled into bed with me and snuggled. I told him that I missed him so much while he was sleeping. I told him that he is so precious to me. I couldn't help but think that if I feel this way about my son as an evil parent in comparison to God, how much more does God feel this way about me....and you as our Perfect parent!

CHRIST IS ALL!

2010-11-22T10:22:00.001-08:00

My morning so far has been spent taking care of children. My neice and nephew are visiting for the day :)

My morning has also been spent worshipping Him...

I am determined to worship Him in everything. Oh I fail SO much!! But this is my chief goal...in all things to give Him praise. Wether well fed or hungry, in sickness or in health, in chaos or in quiet. I want to worship Him. Cleaning dishes, folding laundry, reading a book to our boys, talking to a hurting friend, driving in my car, laying in my bed, returning emails, raising money for my African children, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, ironing Jerome's shirts, disciplining fighting kids...you get the picture :)

The more I choose to worship Him in the mundane tasks of life as well as the things that bring me great joy, the less content I am with this world and it's system...the more I long to be united fully with Christ! I want my whole life to have a flovor of worship and true devotion to the One worthy of all my praise!

I daily face the struggle between my flesh and spirit. Somedays my flesh wins, but oh the days that it doesn't and I give Christ complete reign!!! There is life and freedom found only in Him. Christ is ALL!

Sometimes I feel like Job before the Lord allowed Satan to strip him of everything. I feel so blessed. I am able to stay home with our boys and listen to worship music all day. I am able to pour into the lives of people all over the world. I am able to mother many children that I did not carry in my womb. I am able to be a part of a biblical community and wide circle of believers that stretches across continents. I have people who faithfully pray for me and encourage me. I get to see people's lives transformed by the power of Christ all the time. I have a husband that literally, daily, lays down his life for me and loves God more than anyone I have ever known. But what I often tell the Lord is that I want to know that I would still praise Him if He were to strip all of that from me...if He were to give me poverty, sickness and take away my family and friends. Would I still worship Him? Would I still give Him the glory due to His Name? I want to position my life and heart in such a way that when my circumstances fail, I know that Christ has not changed and therefore I can stand firm! So today, I am praising Him while everything is 'running smoothly' so that tomorrow, when everything likely won't be, I have a firm foundation to stand on.

My heart is longing for every follower of Christ to press into Him with me. If your day, month or year is good or bad, praise Him! Through laughter or tears, praise Him! Let your soul find complete satisfaction in Christ alone. He is worthy! He is SO worthy!

I am burdened, yet hopeful for MANY people I personally know who are hurting right now. I am honored to be intimately acquainted with these precious ones so that I can pray and help carry their burden in this way. My prayer for each of them today is that they would lift their hands, hearts and lives in worship to Him right where they are at....right in the middle of the chaos. Because one day soon, oh that glorious day, we will no longer be seperated, even for a second from the One we love most...not by our circumstances, our trials, our sin, or our flesh. We will be one with our sweet Saviour! That alone is reason enough to confess His goodness no matter what we feel at this moment.

So, today in my joy, with worship music playing in the back ground and the breeze blowing through open windows and the sweet sound of children's voices who I love so much playing in the back yard...I choose to praise Him!

Tomorrow, if my day starts with whiny children who interrupt my Treasure Time and I have a head ache and my boys refuse to obey me and Jerome comes home in a grumpy mood I want to choose to praise Him. If the next day, Jerome and the boys never come home because they die in a car wreck, oh Lord, let me still praise you! If the next day I find out I have a terminal ilness, let my very last breath, as I slip from this earth into Your eternal Presence, be in praise to you! Please make us this kind of Church so the world will look on and desire You!!!

Tomorrow the earth itself falls into the sea, let us praise Him because the reality is not this earth that we live on for a few short years, the Reality is that CHRIST IS ALL!

The Good News!

2010-10-25T17:36:00.001-07:00

I have so many more things to write about Africa...but God has me in a place where I am sharing the gospel right here in America...in fact in my very own home.

This has not caught me off guard. In fact the Lord has been convicting my heart in how important it is to share the good news of His free gift of salvation to all men. This is our highest calling...(next to simply spending time with Him). Yet, it is the area I focus the least on in my christian life.

The whole reason He died is so that we might accept this free invitation to have fellowship with Him for all of eternity. Our life is a mist and a vapor, we are here on this earth for but a moment and then for all eternity we are somewhere. We are either in the Presence of God, never again to be separated from His love, or in hell never again having a chance to be with the One we were created by and for.

As the years are passing by faster and faster I am not wanting to waste even a day. I want my whole life to count for Him. I do not want to miss an opportunity to share Him with others.

OK, so I say that....

I come home from Africa and God puts a 16 year old girl, who I have already witnessed to on our door step. I know that she doesn't know Christ, and doesn't want to from a previous conversation I had with her. I was so happy when she decided to stay. I was certain in a matter of days she would give her life to Him. HA! God tricked me!!!

I have begged Him to draw her, convict her, save her! I have asked the most godly people I know to pray. I have even fasted :) It has been like 3.2 weeks and no salvation. UGH!

So now I am weary...weary of 'sharing the gospel.' Weary of dragging someone to church that doesn't want to go. Weary of peeking over during the salvation prayer and her hand not being raised. Weary of sitting on her bed telling her how much Jesus loves her and how much she needs Him only to have her look at me with a blank stare.

I have not one single ounce of power to convict or draw or save her. I am completely dependant on Him.

I am also facing the fact that in the scriptures I see many who were called by God to preach the good news to those who would not only reject the message but persecute the messengers in the process. I know that our responsibility as a Christ follower is to present the gospel and leave the rest up to God. So much easier said than done.

Me and the boys are reading about persecuted Christians all over the world. Today we read about Christians in Iran and Pakistan. Iran's population is only 0.33 percent Christians. Why didn't I know that? Why didn't I care before? We read about a 6 year old boy witnessing to his teacher and an 86 year old man who refused to deny Christ and was tortured for it in this past year.

And here I sit in a country where I don't have to secretly read my bible, gather with other believers or share the gospel with those around me because I might go to jail or be tortured for it or even put to death and yet many times I don't do any of these things near as much as I should. I am living in a country that calls itself a christian nation, yet very few want to hear that they need to give their whole life to Him if they want to be saved. They have the truth readily available to them and yet refuse to accept it.

I don't want to just stay in my Christian bubble, or go downtown and feed the homeless and check my good deed off the list for the week either. I don't want to go half way across the world to feed orphans, yet overlook my neighbor accross the street that I am certain doesn't know Christ.

And many people, like me, don't want to share the gospel with others in America because they convince themselves that everyone has already heard it and if not, they surely said a prayer when they were 5 and must be OK with God.

So instead of whining that the teen aged girl asleep in the other room would rather turn to drugs instead of Jesus. I should, in fact, be rejoicing at the opportunity God has given me by bringing her to my door step...to share His good news with someone so precious to Him. (Even if she leaves tomorrow and I see no result from the investment in her life!)

It is not my responsibility to make her accept His love. It is my responsibility to offer it.

If she continues to reject His message and even me for presenting it, then again, I should rejoice that He is allowing me to share in His sufferings.

I am asking Him to give me His heart for the lost. I was once that 16 year old girl...He pursued me as He is pursuing her. He allowed my sin to take me to a place where I was miserable and saw my need for Him. And then when I finally surrendered to His love, I am certain he threw a party for me...just as He did you if you are His.

So all of this should spur me on to preach the gospel in all the earth, even right here in America in my own home. I should not stop there, but I should REJOICE that I have been called as an ambassador for my Lord and Savior to hold out His message of Hope to he world!

In His Name alone we are saved and made whole...in His Name ALONE!

(If you are reading this...I BEG you to pray for this sweet girl's salvation)

The Greatness of Our God / My Wickedness Revealed

2010-10-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

This was written by my husband while I was in Africa this last time...

I started to call our on my God. My mind drifted so much. Several times I started to get up. I really was angry with myself for being so distracted. "God is here and I cannot even focus on Him." Then the song, "Your Presence" and I started begging God for His Presence. Then, "Forever Reign" and I asked Him to reign in my wicked ehart. Then, "The Greatness of our God" came on and I asked to see His greatness for I knew this is always the answer!

Forget my weakness and see His Strength!!

Give me eyes to see More of who You are. May what I behold, still my anxious heart.

Take what I have known And break it all apart. For You my God, are greater still.

No sky contains. No doubt restrains. All You are. The greatness of our God.

I spend my life to know. And I'm far from close to all You are. The greatness of our God.

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here. To believe that there is nothing left to fear.

That You alone are high above it all. For You my God, are greater still.

And there is nothing that can ever separate us. There is nothing that can ever separate us from Your love.

No life, no death, of this I am convinced. You my God, are greater still.

My heart was lit on fire! There it is!! The GREATNESS OF OUR GOD! That I cannot be separated from HIM! Here I sit 18 years after giving my life to Him and I still struggle with running to empty things and sometimes do! Here I sit letting my mind drift to empty things BUT HE STILL DOES NOT LEAVE ME! What a miracle! It was amazing , beyond my understanding, the He saved me in the first place.

But how much more amazing is it that he does not leave me after 18 years of sin. There has not been a day that I have not fell short! Sure most of the outward sin is gone. Sure he has purified me for those 18 years but I still fall short every day. This is the greatest of all miracles! It is so funny to me that some act as if miracles are not real. They have a hard time believing in the Virgin birth, the parting of the Red Sea. HAHA! Are you kidding me those are child's play, of course if there is a God those things are easy.

Hearing that God ALMIGHTY parted the Red sea is like hearing that I was able to breathe! It is such a simple power that I do not even have to think to perform it. Instead the critic should say, "You expect me to believe that God stays with You!" Some are amazed that God parted the Red Sea I am amazed that He took the rebellious Israelites through it! Some are amazed that He raised Lazarus from the dead I am amazed when he says about those mourning that, "He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." (John 11) Some are amazed that He healed the woman with the issue of blood. (Luke 8:43) but I am amazed that he told her, "Go in peace."

I am amazed that I have spit in the face of the Almighty! That I have cried "Crucify Him!"...that I have at times traded my time with Him for a bowl of soup!

And yet He HAS FILLED ME WITH PEACE TONIGHT! WITH NO ONE ELSE TO FILL ME I AM FILLED WITH HIM!

"What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" (Psalm 8:4) If I heard that you consumed the stars for breakfast and planets for a snack it would not amaze me. The heavens themselves are a small wonder compared to YOUR DAILY FORGIVENESS FROM THOSE WHO CALL ON YOUR NAME! AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN YOU FORGIVE US! We have murdered Your Son! But through Him we now are your sons and will be his servants!! HAHA! I cannot stop laughing at how ironic is. We get to be your children! If I was a critic that is what i would attack. That God would listen to me tonight and give me peace! WOW! AWESOME!! GLORY!!! BEYOND OUR IMAGINATIONS!! LIFE GIVING! EMPOWERING! What a great miracle is there other than me laying down in Peace with His Blessing and Presence.

Behold the Greatness of Our God!!

Behold the Greatness of our God! That I can lay my head on the pillow tonight and be at peace with HIM

An Adventurous Weekend In Africa

2010-10-07T07:13:00.000-07:00

Hello My Sweet Friends and Family!

I am back from my home away from home :) Shana Rutz and I, or Shanna squared as we are now called, had the most amazing trip! I know I say this every time, but this really was my favorite visit to Sierra Leone. My heart is more connected with our African family than ever before. I have a treasure of memories stored in my heart and have been pondering them day after day.

I had the honor of spending a lot of time with Pastor Hassan and Pastor Abraham. They are precious men of God who I can say with great confidence are working for food that does not spoil. Their chief focus is to see the good news of the gospel preached through words and actions throughout the poorest, most desolate and overlooked places in their nation. Whatever church they plant, school they start, need they meet is all a way to present the gospel to the people of their country. I truly believe their desire is to see men, women and children come close to the One who has the power to save, heal and make whole.

We went away for the weekend with them and two of my African sons. It was an adventure filled with laughter, tears, eating meals together, singing worship songs and deep discussions about the God we all love so much. It was a gift to me that I will always treasure. It was an experience that deepened our bond as one family in Christ.

Our first stop was in a town called Makeni were Pastor Bo and his wife, Teresa lead a church. We helped interview teachers for a school in a village out in the country called Matumbo. This was very interesting. The applicants were asked to come work even though they may not be paid for up to 3 months. They were asked to prove they would be faithful to their wives and also to teach the children about Christ. The applicants all agreed to these conditions. Very different from an American interview :) Shana and I wandered around the village and talked and laughed and prayed with the people. AAAWWW it was just so perfect! I wish you all could have been with me.

Next, we headed to Matumbo. A woman named Katherine Sanders collected over 1,000 pair of shoes and had them shipped on a container. We had the joy of delivering these shoes. We took 800 pair to the students at a school in Matumbo. This is a remote village that children walk for miles to attend. The shoes were necessary for them to attend classes. God did something special for me. He connected me with a teacher who is a single mom of a 3 year old little girl. (He has given me a special heart for single moms). I loved ministering to her so much! She is so precious. Shana was able to find her a pair of shoes too. I hope to see her again!

Then we drove a few hours in the rain and mud through the bush to a REALLY remote village called Mansumana. After crossing a river on a very, scary ferry we could go no further because of the mud. We took another route to try to find lodging for the night and met a little boy on the side of the road. Pastor Hassan immediately insisted we stop so we could give the little boy a pair of shoes. This was my favorite part! We all got out in the rain and mud while one of my African sons, Solomon helped the little boy find a pair of shoes that fit.

This is our God, He would drive hours in the rain and mud, through impassable roads, just to give us a pair of shoes so we might know His love and care for us!

I didn't mind the rain, I didn't mind the VERY bumpy roads, I didn't mind the long, full day of ministry in the heat and chaos....no I didn't mind at all because there was a deep peace and joy on the inside of me knowing that I was doing His will, doing what He would do if He were on the earth, and I was doing this along side those I love deeply! In fact, though my day started while it was still dark and went late into the night, I didn't want it to end. I wanted to take in all that He wanted to show me.

The next day Pastor Hassan spent the first several hours studying and preparing for the message he was preaching later that afternoon. Me, Shana and the boys walked around the town we were staying in. Bakarr had gone to high school in this town so we stopped at one of his friends' houses. A man came up to us and gave us a track and witnessed to us while we were there. I loved this! Absolutely loved it! The deep desire for the gospel to go forth was evident every where I turned. This has spurred me on to boldly share Christ more with those in my own country!

We headed back to Makeni for an afternoon Thanksgiving service at a church there. This small congregation that meets in a make-shift tin building with a dirt floor was celebrating one year of their gatherings. Pastor Hassan was the guest speaker. Several of our kids from the home came to help with the service. It was a precious time! Shana and I were able to hold babies and talk with the women after the service before heading out again.

Next we visited a facility that housed blind chidren. It was not a home. It was an old slughter house for animals. The living conditions were terrible. It broke my heart. The children were joyful. A little girl happily sang a song for us and we were able to give her a pair of shoes. The few staff members were able to express their trust in God to provide despite the bleak living conditions. I left here with a very heavy heart.

We still had shoes left so we drove for a few hours and stopped at another village to deliver the rest of them. It was late at night and raining but the pastor and his wife met us on the road with smiling faces. We filled blankets full of shoes and piled them on the porch of one of the homes.

Just as I loved all the ministry packed into our two day trip, I loved the hours of time in the car having conversations about eternal things that last. At one point I asked Pastor Hassan, "How do you choose what projects to take on?" His response was, "If something breaks my heart, I pray and ask God to provide. Sister, you have to have faith. What is impossible with man is possible with God." He then told me, "I am something like a dreamer. I start things and then pass them on to others to run while I oversee. Even now I want to focus on just preaching the gospel." This man is not Jesus, he is not perfect, but his life has been devoted to doing the will of God in his impoverished country where many have been left with great needs and no hope as the result of a brutal war. I have seen with my own eyes and now know with my heart, is not easy, it is messy, it has brought trials, heart ache, persecution, sleepless nights, great temptation, slanderous accusations, betrayel of close friends, health problems, stress, exhaustion, seperation from those he loves and much, much more. His ministry is not glamorous. Who wants to drive hours to remote villages to deliver shoes so children can go to school, so children can know the provision of God? Who wants to preach to small congregregations in stuffy tin buildings with dirt floors. Who wants to make sure blind children are not overlooked? Who wants to be responsible for 100 orphans being fed, clothed and educated so they might be the Nehemiahs of their nation? Who wants to do all of this and so much more so that many would put their hope and trust in the One, True living God? Now, I can say I do because I have watched the lives and doctrine closely of those who are living their lives to do these things and more. Just as I want to honor my pastors here in America for following the call of God to lead and shepherd and meet the spiritual and physical needs of our own nation, I also want to honor Pastor Hassan. I believe we give honor where honor is due. I believe our Heroes should be those who make us want to be more like Christ. Hassan is one of those men for me now more than ever.

We are the body of Christ. We were created to be interdependant on one another. Where one is weak, another can help. God uses the lowly, despised things of the world to shame those who are wise in their own eyes.

I have so much more to share with you, so I hope you will keep reading in the days to come as I try to share with you the message I feel God has given me to bring back to my sweet American family.

I am not exalting men, I am exalting God.

I saw God shining brightly through the imperfection of human men. This is what amazes me. We are so weak. Our hearts are wicked and decieve us. Yet, the God of the universe chooses to use us, the weak, the lowly, the sinful, to prove Himself strong and powerful...to show His love to the poor and needy, to the strong and powerful, to glorify His son through our broken lives. So, while we know perfection is not attainable this side of eternity, yet we still strive for this. But what IS attainable is to be fully devoted to Him and His causes. When we seek Him with our whole heart, He pours out grace over all of our many imperfections, His love covers the multitude of sin living in our hearts day to day and He shines bright enough to be glorified through our fragile lives! He is the Treasure living inside of us. His is the power at work within us. So we bow down to Him, submit to Him and trust Him to be God through us. In doing this He is exalted in all the earth.

I was continually faced with my own weakness and inability to meet the most minor needs. But over and over and OVER He reminded me, HE IS ABLE. I did not go to Africa just to feed orphans. I went to Africa to glorify Him and allow Him to do whatever He chose through me for the two short weeks I was there. As my husband reminded me one night on the phone as I cried over my inability to meet all of the needs I was faced with...He did not call us because we were qualified. No, the ones who think they are qualified are the least likely to be used. It is the broken and contrite heart that He wants. It is the life that says, "I am nothing without You," that He desires to use. It is the person who lays down his life, his plans, his everything so that Christ can have complete reign. He is strong enough in our weakness. THERE IS NO OTHER GOD LIKE HIM!

I have returned to America realizing I have nothing to offer that He doesn't provide from His own hand...and whatever He provides is the right amount to give. He alone knows what is needed, I only need to keep my eyes focus on the eternal One, the eternal things that last and trust Him to live through me. Food is temporary, shoes are temporary, education is temporary, but relationships are eternal. My relationship with my sweet Savior and the people He has called me to do life with are more of my focus now. Everything we do should bring us closer to Him and the people He came to save.

So much more to come. I can't wait to write about our time with the precious children of the Wellington Orphanage.

Remember, OUR GOD IS ABLE, even when we are not!

(My camera is on its way from the London airport where I left it on the plane...thank God for Fed Ex! Pictures to come soon, Lord, willing).

A FEW LOVED ONES, 2 HYMNALS, 1 BIBLE AND A COUPLE OF BREATHS TO ETERNITY

2010-10-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

My husband wrote this several weeks back after visiting Dwight Bruss in the hospital before he passed away....

I just got back from witnessing a beautiful sight!

For my lunch hour I went to visit Dwight Bruss at the hospital. The news was not good with Dwight so I was kind of startled when I arrived and saw Angie and Ann holding Hymnals singing over him. Soon Brian joined in and the beautiful voices were brightening a place usually associated with pain. Then I noticed something more amazing! Dwight’s face was lighting up!! The muscles in his face where coming alive! Twitching! There was no sound that I could hear but clear as day HE WAS SINGING TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY WITH WHAT HE HAD LEFT! He could not breathe on his own. He could not feed himself. He could not lift his arm but he was not letting that stop him.

The only thing standing between him and eternity was few loved ones, 2 hymnals, 1 bible and a couple of hundred breaths but he was just as alive as ever!

Isn’t that true for all of us! How Beautiful! How Powerful! You can take everything from the Man of God but he is still ALIVE in Him!

It reminded me of a song from Tim Hughes called “When the Tears Fall.”

In the lone hour, of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
you surround me, and sustain me
my Defender, forever more
when hope is lost, I'll call you Savior
when pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart.

I will praise you, I will praise you
when the tears fall, still I will sing to you
I will praise you, Jesus praise you
through the suffering still I will sing.

When hope is lost, I’ll call you Saviour
when pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart.

On the way home I had two thoughts.

1. “LORD, give me the same Spirit!”

That even when my body fails me my Spirit will still desire you so much that my body will shake with animation! That even when I cannot move that my light would still shine and brighten a room when YOUR PRAISES ARE SUNG! That those around me would see that even when the flesh fails that I AM STILL ALIVE IN YOU! AND I WILL!! WITH MY LAST BREATH I WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR GLORY!! WHEN I WALK THROUGH FIRE I WILL NOT BE BURNED!! NO ONE!! NOTHING CAN CONTAIN THE PASSION OF KNOWING YOU!!! WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS MY SOUL WILL DANCE WITH YOU! WHERE THE LOVE LAST FOREVER!

2. That the man who trusts in HIM is forever powerful!

Even when Dwight could not lift a finger to help anyone just the power of his spirit still influenced the core of my being that day. And the room was filled with those who will never be the same because of the God who he had served! The wicked will exert their power within the moment and then they will be stripped naked and filled with shame. Everything they do will blow away in the wind and be forgotten. But OUR GOD MAKES US FOREVER POWERFUL! EVEN OUR LAST BREATH WILL SEND RIPPLES THROUGH ETERNITY!

Lord, thank you for the Life and Death of Dwight Bruss! Thank you for his weakness which became your strength. May the power of his life continue to change all of us. May we follow in his footsteps and run to YOUR OPEN ARMS! As everyone of us comes down to our last few breaths may we sing Your praise. Just as when you were down to your last few breaths you thought of us.

He Takes Great Delight in You!

2010-08-31T07:51:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here loving the wind and the way it blows my weeping willow tree and makes me think of the goodness of God. I have loved sitting here this morning and just being still before Him, enjoying His Presence. I am so thankful for these morning times with Him, not having to be rushed, not having to worry about anything, just sitting still with Him.

I have been thinking about how much He loves to be with us. He gets pleasure when we spend time with Him. He loves and longs for our fellowship, our attention, our affection. We were created to be the object of His affection and Him to be the object of ours. This drives me to want to spend even more time with Him.

Yesterday I woke up, laid in my bed, read a few chapters of scripture and fell back asleep. When I woke back up, I rushed into my day, not stopping to really be with Him first. My day was off. I am not saying there is a formula, spend time with God first thing = great day! We will have days of intense anxiety or suffering or frustration no matter what. But what I am saying is that it is beneficial to turn our attention and affections towards Him at the beginning of our day so that as we go along from there we are more likely to have our focus on Him instead of our circumstances.

But the most motivating reason for me to seek Him first most days is this: The God of the universe has made me His child. He loves me. He delights in me. He receives joy and pleasure from the time I spend with Him. The One who gives me my very next breath, who doesn't NEED anything from me, loves to simply be with me and enjoys my fellowship.

Last night, our 5 year old came into our room after we put him night night. He asked a question, and then as he was walking back to bed I had a flash back to when our 10 year old was as little as him. I wanted time to stand still. I wanted the days to not pass so quickly. I wanted them to know at this young age they are important enough for me to spend time with them. Personal, intimate time where I am delighting in them and all that they are! When they are 20, 30 and 40 I pray I am still spending personal, intimate time with them, delighting in them and all that they are! If I am an imperfect parent and I desire this intimacy with my children, how much more does my perfect, heavenly Father desire this with me...and you!

If you are not already, I encourage you to carve out space at the beginning of your day to spend personal, intimate time with the One who loves you most! He takes great delight in you!

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

All I Need is You!

2010-08-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on my porch this morning singing worship songs to the God I love. I was choosing to sing out of a bit of discouragement. In my struggle against the negative thoughts that kept coming to mind, I finally was able to push them aside and just think about who He is.

I began thinking about the miracle of my life. I say miracle because when He rescued me I was dancing topless in strip clubs and addicted to drugs. He did something supernatural in me right away. Although I continued to dance and do drugs, I began wanting Him more than anything else, even though my flesh was so weak. He gave me this special love for Him, like a unique Treasure. That love urged me to read His word in my desperation for Truth, to cry out to Him in my extreme distress, to sing songs to Him in my depression, to chase Him down anyway I knew how. That love has only grown deeper and more intimate every day the last 14 years I have been following Him.

When I think about it, it is so strange. I never thought anyone would ever want to marry me, I never thought I would be a godly wife, mom, friend or a godly anything. At times that first year, I thought surely I would be enslaved to my addictions the rest of my days, never knowing freedom in this area. I was SO SO SO very weak. My emotions were the weakest of just about anyone I knew!

Yet, now when I look at the life He has given me, I am amazed! Not just because of Jerome and the boys, not just because He lets me love on sweet African children, not just because of my friends or influence.

What amazes me the most is that He keeps fanning the flame of this love He has given me for Him. He keeps me wanting more of Him. He keeps giving me the grace to trust Him in trial after trial. He keeps putting dreams in my heart that only He can bring to pass. He keeps revealing to me the greatness of who He is in new and wonderful ways. He keeps showing me that He is the God who can bring impossible things to pass. He keeps opening my eyes to new treasures in scriptures I have read a hundred times. He keeps speaking to my heart in a very real way, that He, the God of the universe, is for me, that He loves me deeply, that He rescued me and keeps me close to Him because I am His most prized possession, that He wants me to know that He is all I need so that I will bring great glory to Him.

He truly is hidden in me as I am hidden in Him. Him making His home in me, of all people, is the most beautiful proof of His steadfast love.

So today, He is enough for me. I don’t need Him to answer the cries of my heart. I don’t need Him to fix my circumstances. I don’t need Him to do what I think is best. I don’t need the praise of man. I don’t need to be accepted. I don’t need to have calm children J I don’t need to be the perfect wife. I don’t even need assurance that I will set foot on African soil ever again.

But what I do need is HIM. If everything else I hold dear is stripped away, yet I have HIM, I have all I REALLY need. He rescued me, He holds my life in His hands, He has my name written on His heart. He is the God I love because He first loved me and today I am delighting myself in all that He is!!!

I love you my sweet, sweet Lord. I love this life you have given us TOGETHER! You are the joy of my heart, my highest Treasure!

Stirrings of My Heart...

2010-08-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

These are all the things that have been stirring around in my heart and head the last few weeks. I believe He has been using my circumstances, experiences and emotions to teach me more about who He is and about my weaknesses and insecurities, so He could bring victory in those areas of struggle through the power of His Spirit at work in me.

He showed me that He alone wants all of the glory and this is also for our highest good!

I am to make Him my consuming focus at all times. I have to choose this moment by moment no matter how I feel.

I must seek Him every day. I can not expect to store manna for even 2 days. I must daily feed from His hand.

I can not fall into the trap of looking at my circumstances or trying to figure things out on my own. I can not make my own strength my God.

I have to be dedicated to doing His will no matter what is going on around me or inside of me.

It is good to worship Him when I don't feel like it. It is good to worship Him when I am not greatly moved, it doesn't make me a hypocrite, it is part of my obedience to Him. It is good to read His word and spend time with Him even when I don't 'feel' His Presence. Fruit will come from these times later.

He alone is my Reward! I must fight to maintain an intimate, growing relationship with Him. I must fight to keep the things I love the most from becoming idols in my heart (to the point of being elevated in admiration or affection above Christ).

Just like manna was a good thing that came from God's hand to nourish the Israelites, when they tried to take more of it than He commanded, that good thing would rot because they had made it an idol and were trying to hoard it out of fear. I too have to keep the good things God has given me in their proper place in my heart and not make them idols so they will be nourishment for my soul and not idolatry. May He take me deeper in this area!!!!

I must cast ALL my anxieties on Him and trust Him at all times, nothing matters near as much as focusing completely on who He is.

I DO NOT WANT TO CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME, OR WHAT I 'THINK' PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME :) I want to live to please Him and Him alone!!! UGH, this is a biggy! I have not struggled as greatly with this like I have the last few weeks. And I really think most of the struggle has been in my head, yet still making it a reality to me.

I want to know Him more, love Him more deeply, experience more of His Presence and glorify Him with every relationship He has put in my life. I want to keep Him as my highest Treasure. I want to be used by Him in the ways He chooses, not the ways I choose. I want to have confidence because I am full of faith in Him and not shrink back out of fear or insecurity. I want to be a better wife, mom, friend, etc. because I am pressing into Him more and not because I am 'trying' harder in my own strength. I want to be more aware of His great love for me and humanity!!! I want to have pure motives and a right heart. I want to TRULY walk in His ways and not slip into auto-pilot mode. I want to be dependent on Him every second of every day! I want to lift high HIS name while bowing down low at His feet and dying to my self.

After Thoughts From a Night of Worship...

2010-08-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about the Benefit Concert for some orphans in Sierra Leone hosted by the FiXX on Sunday. The night was AMAZING! God was glorified and lifted high! This was our greatest desire!

I want to start by saying THANK YOU! 30 kids were sponsored, $2900 was raised. (The total amount raised including pre and post concert giving is $4240!) We were praying for $3,000 and 25 orphans to be sponsored. God is MORE than enough!

One of my FAVORITE parts is that 7 people gave their lives to Christ!!!

We prayed more than anything that He would be fully worshipped by the band and each of us there. AND HE WAS…through our singing and our giving!

At one point during a worship song I looked up and saw pictures of the children on the screen and started crying. I want to be honest, at that point I hadn’t thought of the kids…my thoughts had been about God. The emotion was because of a number of things. I love these children deeply, with a supernatural love given to me by the Lord. In fact, some of them are now our children even though they will likely never step foot on American soil. And as much as I love them, God loves them more. He knows each of them by name. He rescued them one by one. So here is where the tears came from. WHO AM I that He would even give me the strength to fight for those who are precious to Him? WHO AM I that He would use my life in ANY way? WHO AM I???? I am weak, powerless, messy, scattered, disorganized and have very little influence in this world. But yet the God of the universe asked me to join Him in loving these children.

As I looked at their pictures during worship I thought back to when they were each just a name on a spread sheet. I thought of how God burdened my heart to write them, then visit them. I thought about how I fought with Him in these things. I never knew that He would make some of them my own children, that He would call me to keep my commitment to them no matter what the cost or how strong the battle.

Last night, He reminded me of the honor He has given me to suffer with Him! He reminded me how precious PEOPLE are to Him. Me and you, we are precious to Him. Those beautiful ones we celebrated Sunday night, they are precious to Him. When we invest in the lives of people for His sake, and not just when it’s easy, we are investing in eternity, we are advancing the gospel!

Most of these children were taken in at a very young age by an African Pastor. They were taught when they had very little provisions to thank Him for what they did have. They were taught to set their heart on seeking and worshipping Him. They have been taught from the beginning that God wants to use them to change their nation. As most of them are now teenagers those dreams are needing to come to fruition.

Right now a team is on the ground with some Agricultural professors and students from OSU teaching them how they can use the land and resources God has given them to change their nation for generations after you and I are gone. They are seeing how God REALLY has had a plan for them all along! They are filled with the hope and joy of the Lord! This all started because one man agreed to take one child in, provide for him and raise him in the Lord. Now a generation of children who love the Lord are being prepared for the good works God has planned for them to do in His name!

We each are one person, but we too can invest in the life of one child and make an eternal difference.

I got an email from World Vision today. It showed a picture of a child who was VERY malnutritioned. It talked of the 1.5 children at risk of starvation in Niger, West Africa. I thought to myself, the needs are overwhelming!

BUT, by the grace of God I can invest in the lives of the orphaned children He has called me to and be a part of changing an entire nation through their lives.

By loving and empowering these children, they can carry out their callings.

You all have been loving and empowering us to carry out our callings...some of you for years and in various ways.

Last night Jerome and I were marveling at how each person who invested in us along the way has helped bring us to the point we are now, in Christ. We desperately need each other! God has set it up this way and I am so glad He does.

So please hear my heart….WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! We are VERY thankful for each of you! We do not deserve to be so lavishly loved by you. You are the source of so much of our joy in the Lord.

Thank you for partnering with us to love 94 orphans on the coast of West Africa. Thank you for helping us reach out to the lost here in America. All of this is as much worship as the songs we sing to Him!!!! Thank you for helping us lift HIGH His name all over the earth in all kinds of ways!

As the body of Christ, may we continue to be a display of His splendor to the world. May we continue to glorify Him through every act of worship!

The Desire of Our Hearts

2010-08-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

I am seeing the Lord be so much more than I imagined. I know that we have many plans in our hearts but it is the Lord's plans that prevail. I am learning to trust Him more through every trial. With a deeper understanding of who He is comes a deeper reverance. He alone is the Lord and can do whatever He pleases, however He pleases.

As I try to seek Him with my whole heart I find Him...over and over again I find Him.

He Alone is the famous One! He Alone is wise! I want to lift High His name Him with my whole life. I want to see His glory! I want to fight so hard with His strength for those who can not fight for themselves. I want to rejoice if I am counted worthy to suffer for doing the good He has called me to. I do not want to shrink back in fear. I do not want to relent out of discouragement. Instead, I want to press on...I want to persevere. I want to stand firm letting NOTHING move me. I want to ALWAYS give myself FULLY to the work of the Lord, knowing that my labor in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Corinthians 15:58) I am finding this to be VERY difficult at times. I am tempted to take the easy way out. But the more I seek Him, the more He strengthens me for the battle. The more I cry out to Him in the pain of disappointment, the more He pours out His JOY!

The more I worship Him for who He is and not what He does for me, the more He proves His Love to me! His love never fails! His love is stronger than death! I know and can rely on the Love of the One who gave His life for me!

I spent the morning looking up verses concerning the fatherless. What I discovered penetrated my heart. I saw a little more clearly the love, justice, faithfulness and fierce devotion to those who are weak and oppressed. It made my heart so happy that this is the kind of God I serve. A God who is mighty to save and does! A God who calls man to defend the ones who can not defend themselves. A God who rescues and heals the broken! This caused everything within me to want to rise up like a mighty warrior princess in the name of my God and fight! And so I did, I went to my closet and got on my knees and cried out for those who are oppressed! I waged war against the spiritual forces through prayer. I know He heard. I know He even prayed through me. I know He allowed me to feel only a portion of His fierce devotion to those I was praying for.

I am so humbled that He loves you and me this same way.

The more of Him He allows me to discover, the more delight it brings my heart to know that He calls me His own. That we are not overlooked. We are not an afterthought. He intentionally put everyone of us on this planet in hopes that we might come to Him and live in Him for all of eternity...from the orphan to richest of men...for His glory and joy!

It is my personal plea and prayer to anyone who might read this. Please make spending time with Him a priority. I can not tell you how much He longs for this! He is a Rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Please make time to KNOW Him more!!!!

May He alone become the desire of our hearts!!!!

A Beautiful Moment / My Great Failures

2010-07-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up last Saturday with a familiar dilemma before me. You see I had some work that really needed to be done. It really NEEDED to be done while everyone was still asleep. But I also knew this was time that I could be alone with God and seek His face. I needed a “Great Moment." So I put on some worship and dropped to the ground. I called out:

“God I need You!”
“God I want YOU!”
“God you are my Souls delight!”
“Help me Lord!”

I moved from position to position trying to focus and still nothing. 30 min later I moved to the closet in my bedroom and my mind became illuminated to a simple thought.

“He will reign over my heart for all time!”

I know that sounds simple but it was not in that moment. You see the thought became acute, real, powerful, life giving. My heart felt like it was about to burst. He will REIGN over my heart FOREVER!! You see there is nothing simple about FOREVER!! And this was the kicker:

My heart is wild, uncontrollable, free. It has gotten me in so many destructive situations. Many times I have to call out to Him to keep from hating my own heart. But what I cannot control within a moment HE WILL REIGN IN FOREVER!! How AMAZING!!! WHAT A POWERFUL GOD!! How???

Then the song “Beautiful Exchange” arrived over my headphones. And The LORD, THE MIGHTY ONE made it clear to me that it was through the POWER of the CROSS. He showed me that although Adam walked with Him every day he was destined to fall away because Adam really was walking next to a God he did not know. He did not know Him because of two reasons…

1. Adam did not know how weak he was apart from God
2. Adam did not know that he was walking next to a GOD who loved Him so much that He would suffer immensely for Him.

Now through the Cross we can see the distance. It is no wonder that He says our very best righteousness is like filthy rags. Next to the Cross!! My Heart was so Alive in that moment!!! Nothing compares!! So satisfying!! Even in my body I could feel a THIRST FOR HIM!! David's words were alive, “As the deer pants for water..”

Then I looked over and there was Micah still half asleep. Micah comes and gets me every Saturday to watch cartoons and snuggle on the couch. We have done this routine every since he was 2 years old but this time he climbed into my bed and laid down. It was really strange but I just went with it. I tried for a few minutes to explain what I had just experienced in the closet. I explained to him how that when I have those times with God everything else seems worthless to me. I told him even the good times that I have with him, his brothers and mommy do not compare...much less the crap we deal with in life. I said to him “you have never had any moments like that have you?" He answered, “No." Then I asked him, “Do you know why?” He answered, “I am young and have not been though much." I then explained how that as we grow older and experience more of the pain of life and also experience more "Moments” with God we start to hate this world and long for God “Forever." Then he asked me, “Do you ever wish you were back in the garden like Adam and Eve were?” I almost said yes then I realized how foolish that answer would be. You see in the garden there were no ‘moments." I answered, “Hell No! You see Micah, in the garden there were no moments like what I just had in the closet and moments like that are worth all the pain in life. They alone are worth living or dying for!”

As I was saying this the thought came into my mind, 'How is Micah going to experience these pains?' You see I want to protect him but I also do not want him to be numb to God because he has never experience pain in immense quantities. Sure he has had to deal with me and Shanna’s mistakes as parents but for the most part he has been sheltered.

Well the weekend went on as normal… Cartoons… Playing … Saturday at Life Church…. Playing… bed time around 11PM … Sunday at Frontline… Home to get ready for White Water… Things don’t always go the way you expect, do they? As we were getting ready Micah and Silas came in from the back yard looking pale as a ghost and ran into mommy. Then I hear Shanna say, “Chewy is dead!" What!!!! I thought!!! “I knew this was going to happen!" she said. My heart sank. Surely he is not dead! I went into the back yard and saw him hanging there. “I knew this was going to happen!” she said. “Be quiet Shanna,” I said. “What can I do?” I thought!! “There must be something I can do!” Silas was in bed sobbing… Micah was standing behind me barley crying with a shocked look on his face… Asher seemed totally normal and was saying, “He’s not dead I saw him moving.” “THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO.” He was dead right in front of me. I had put him on a tie out the day before because he had dug out and escaped. I was only going to keep him on it until I got some bricks and dirt to fill the hole so he could not get out again. 'NOW HE IS DEAD.' He had tied himself up and fought so hard that he had cut his own throat. 'HE WAS THE BEST DOG I EVER HAD NOW MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN IN THIS LIFE.' Me and Shanna decided we needed to go to White Water so the children could get their mind off of it. Within a few minutes my dad was on his way to get Chewy to bury him. As I was getting into the van the Lord showed me what a mistake I was making so I told the boys, “Come with me so we can say goodbye.” We walked into the back yard and walked up to his lifeless body and I prayed, “God thank you for Chewy." Then the boys prayed. Everyone was in tears except Asher. Asher was bouncing on the trampoline still in denial. Then we all spoke to Chewy and told him how much we loved him.

Funny how life can just break so quickly. How you can just be cruising along and then it BREAKS! You make one mistake and then everything is changed PERMANENTLY!! How many times have I looked away for just one moment! Relaxed for just a second and then it Breaks! My failures are the only thing that never go away! Weak! Hiding in the Garden wondering how God will react to my failure! We know HE sees. We know there is no hiding!! I know He sees when I snap at my kids!! When I let down my friends! When I mistreat my wife!! When I waste money knowing there are people starving!! When I spend time on worthless things instead of seeking HIS GLORIOUS FACE!

BUT IN THE 'MOMENT' I SEE HIM SO CLEARLY!! IN THE 'MOMENT' HE GIVES ME STRENGTH TO PUSH ON!! IN THE 'MOMENT' HE MAKES ME GREAT!!! IN THE 'MOMENT' MY FAILURES ARE CONSUMED IN HIS HOLY FIRE!! IN THE 'MOMENT' I SEE THE POWER OF HIS CROSS!!!! I SEE MY WEAKNESS AND HOW WONDERFUL HE IS TO DIE FOR ME!!!!

IM THE 'MOMENT' I SEE 'THE LORD THE MIGHTY ONE' WHO WILL REIGN OVER MY HEART FOREVER!!!!

Ridiculous Amounts of JOY!

2010-06-24T04:58:00.000-07:00

I have ridiculous amounts of joy! Not because our bank account has lots of money in it, because it doesn't. Not because everyone is nice to me, because they're not. Not because those I love aren't suffering, because they are. Not because my children are perfectly behaved, because, well, you guessed it, they aren't. Not because I am not struggling with my sinful nature, because I always am.

But I have become so focused on who He is that I have lost myself in Him. His joy, His love, His peace has consumed my focus. My fears and failures have little room in my thoughts.

I am in the most amazing love relationship ever! This relationship isn't something that is part of my life. He is my life! He is the very breath I breathe. He is the Source of all beauty in my life. He is the Source of all purpose.

I am understanding and living out through Him the Truth that He is the reason I live. He is my very life. My life is hidden in Him. The very reasons I were created were to bring glory to His name, to do His will, to make desciples of others, to love, to live and breathe in worship to Him. I want to bring Him pleasure the way He brings me pleasure. I want to sing and dance in His Presence, not caring who thinks I am strange. I want to conform less to this world, to the luke-ward parts of the church, to our culture than ever before. I want to be set apart by my love for Him and others, so maybe, just maybe others might follow me in this as I follow Christ!!! I want everyone to KNOW this peace, this JOY, this love and to live and walk in it, E-V-E-R-Y day!!!

I want to worship Him for all of eternity...not just when I bow before His throne...but here, on this earth, even amist the pain and trials. I can say that His joy is my strength! I can say that my life is not my own! I can say that it doesn't matter how half-heartedly others around me follow Him. As for me, and my household, we choose to serve Him with every single ounce of our lives! I was not created for ANYTHING else. Not for my own ambitions, not to chase after earthly pleasures, not to live in 'compfortable' circumstances, not to use all of my energy to achieve my own goals.

No, I was created to do HIS will, to worship Him with my entire life, to teach others to love Him with ALL of their hearts, to bring glory to His name. How can I do anything but bow before the very One that created the earth that I see, fashioned me from the dust and gives me my very next breath.

Any response other than worship would be arrogance. Why would I think I should have the right to control my own life, or even begin to know what is best? I am choosing to yield to the One who knit me together in my mother's womb and has numbered each of my days! I am choosing to bow before the One who is worthy of all my praise and devotion. May this joy, continue to overtake me. May I choose to die everyday to myself so that He can consume every single part of me!!!

Lord, you are holy and set apart. There is NO ONE like you! May I ever live to do your will. May I live to worship you with all of my might in more undignified ways than this. May I live even more fully alive in you to the glory of your name!

I want to love you more than I do. Please increase our love and passion for you so we can lift high your name throughout the earth!

A God Beyond His Own Word

2010-06-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

I got a text message from my sweet husband this morning that said, "I wrote a blog, will you edit it and post it for me?" I then went to my email and had this from him:

To my second Love,

I have heard it said that a man is only as good as his word. But we serve a God who is greater than His very Word. We serve a God whose greatness cannot be contained in all the words ever spoken.

A dozen years ago or so I prayed and ask God for three things concerning a wife.

1. That she have a passionate love for HIM.

2. That she be beautiful.

3. That she not interfere with my relationship with HIM.

These were big things to ask for an ex-drug dealer that had no money and little relationship skills. I also realized that number 3 was a prayer that went against His very word (1 Corinthians 7).

His Greatness cannot be contained even by His own word! For no language can express HIM. No language can communicate HIM. My soul burns for HIM!! My soul searches for the WORD that can describe HIM!! HE goes before me and shields my way! Your very hand upholds my every breath and I know You love me. LOOK at the great things He has done in my life!!! Even though His very words demanded justice and death to me, He placed it on His Beautiful Son!! His word demanded shame for my actions but instead He has given me HONOR! My insecurities are so deep but He has given me BOLDNESS, STRENGTH and PASSION. His word said my wife would distract me from HIM. But once again He is beyond HIS own word!!!!

When I wake to you sitting on the porch seeking HIS FACE!!! When I lie down in the bed and listen to you talk about the things He has revealed to you!! When I hear of the people you are ministering to!! When I see the Love and encouragement you express to our children! It makes me want to scream “WITH EVERYTHING." My passion for HIM explodes within me. HOPE RISES! DARKNESS TREMBLES AT OUR HOLY GOD!! For I know that our God is even stronger than HIS very word.

Maybe I am saying this wrong. I should say a God who does even more than what he says.

Man says much and does little. God does more than what He says.

We ask for mercy, He give us His very blood. We ask to be His servant, He makes us a royal priesthood. We ask for forgiveness and He comes inside and calls us friend. We ask Him to save us from death, He gives us abundant Life. I asked him for a woman who loves Him and He gave me you. I ask him for beauty and He gave me you. I asked Him for a woman who would not distract me and He gave me you.

Once again, a God who trumps His very word.

Thank You Lord the last 12 years,
Jerome

Of course I can not simply post this without responding :)

My Love,

I am only who I am today because you have been a mighty tool in the hand of our God to shape and mold me into a Goldy woman, a woman who fears His name and worships Him with all of her might because I have followed your example, your leadership.

I have seen His strength in you! You have used your strength to rebuild my broken life. When the Lord gave me to you I was deeply wounded and emotionally ruined because of many things that had nothing to do with you. Yet, with great joy, you took on the impossible task of fighting valiantly for my healing.

What is impossible with man is possible with God. God through you did the impossible in my life.

Most men would have taken advantage of my weakness or given up. Not you, you honored me, protected me, loved me, served me and at many times literally carried me to the very feet of Jesus.

I was not easy to love. I was not beautiful or sweet the way wives are suppose to be. Yet, you saw these things in me, though they were hidden so deep. You chose to search out the unseen beauty in me, the beauty that God saw, the beauty of His Spirit working all things together for my good because I loved Him. Yes, His Spirit was producing beauty from the ashes of my life, and you chose to let Him use you against great opposition!

I do not deserve the honor you give to me. I do not deserve the joy that you bring to me. I do not deserve to be living this beautiful life in Him together with you! Yet, I rejoice because of what He has done in me, what He has given to me, yes I REJOICE!

I understand who He is! I realize the greatness of His love! I can see clearly His character! I see the way He pursues the those who are broken! I see how He uses the weak to lead the strong! I see how He is a great Defender of those who love Him! I see how He makes all things new!

I see Him when I look at your life!

I see Him when you wake up singing His praises every morning. I see Him when you come home singing (VERY LOUDLY) His praises every evening. I see Him when you relentlessly minister to those even the church would give up on. I see Him when you come alive while discussing the scriptures. I see Him when you take person after person into our home. I see Him when you cry on your face in worship to Him. I see Him when you put me and our children first EVERY SINGLE TIME, in EVERY SINGLE THING. I see Him when you fight for orphans that you now call your own, even when you have never even met them. I see Him when you have long discussions with our boys about Jesus and how we have to devote our entire life to Him. I see Him every day and always in every area of your life. He permeates your very being. And I have the blessing, the joy, the honor of being one flesh with you. He daily spills over from your life into mine.

In humility, boasting in the Lord alone, I can say that WE, TOGETHER bring Him glory, our passion brings Him fame. You have lead US to this place in Him. I will never, ever be able to thank Him enough for the blessing of being married to someone so close to His heart!

I delighted myself in Him and He gave me the desires of my heart! He gave me a deep intimacy with Him, a great love for Him and He gave me you!

I love you,
Me

One Family in Christ

2010-06-08T08:20:00.001-07:00

I have been back from Sierra Leone one week today. I guess it is about time to give you all an update. Thank you for your patience as I soak in the goodness of God while settling back into American life.

I am sitting on my porch having a Treasure time with Jesus :)

I just re-watched a video for about the 10th time of one of my African sons singing a worship song while we were at Macondi visiting his university.

I am so proud of my African family. Since He has connected our hearts and lives I have experienced so much of His love! I have known He has loved me since I gave my life to Him, but I know in increasing measure now. I see through their lives, through their worship, through their commitment and devotion to God and people, through their love and service, their sacrifice, that His love is greater than what my mind had conceived.

He rescued them, took care of them, provided for them, loved them, and I see their response to that love being full surrender to Him. They are like the one leper that came back and thanked Jesus for healing his life. Just as I am like Mary, who followed Jesus everywhere He went, sat at his feet in worship just to be near Him after He healed her life.

I feel so close to God. Even while I am back here in America, I am getting up while it is still dark and spending 3 to 4 hours every morning singing worship songs to Him, praying, reading the bible. I am playing worship music all day, singing songs of praise in my heart, pouring out my worship to Him. He rarely leaves my thoughts. My mind is full of thoughts of thankfulness and His faithfulness. My heart is full of love for Him. So much of this is a result of the great amount of love and kindness I was shown while in Sierra Leone...by the kids, the Pastors, the staff and the community. It is also because I have seen the great struggles that everyone is facing and faces regularly there, yet how they each press into God, thanking Him, praising Him, trusting Him, seeking His face despite the great opposition they daily face.

I see that it is their pleasure, their joy, to be with me when I am there...to love and serve me as though I have always been a part of their family. I have been shown such kindness, such love and it is healing my life in ways that I never imagined. Because of the love I have been shown, I am drawn so close to the ONE I love the very most, the ONE who rescued me, took away my shame, made me new, placed His Spirit on the inside of me and called me His own, while the world rejected me and others used me for their own gain.

I just cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for this precious part of the body of Christ in Sierra Leone. I understand more of what it means to be one family in Christ because they have grafted me into theirs. His love is the commonality that binds us together beyond space, time and culture. It is the universal language that He speaks. If we have ears to hear, we will hear His voice speaking to us through each others' lives. I will forever praise Him for giving me ears to hear and eyes to see Him through the lives of the believers in Sierra Leone. I see His beauty when I look at their lives...I see His faithfulness when I hear them sing worship songs to Him...I see His strength when I see them serving Him despite great spiritual opposition...I see Him in their smile, in their laughter, in their hard work, in their sacrifice. I see Him more clearly than I ever have through their lives.

My prayer for them, for me, for you who are reading this is to please, please, please keep seeking Him above all else. I am begging for Him to increase our love and worship for Him even more as one body...our desire to daily feed from His word, to let His Spirit ever be our Living Water. Apart from Him we can do nothing...all of our worth is in Him and Him alone! He doesn't need us to accomplish His purposes on this earth, yet when we seek Him He uses us so we might know and understand more of His heart...His heart for the weak, the oppressed, the poor and the needy...because at our core, this is what we all are. We are all in desperate need of Him...some of us just don't realize it, we become deceived and chase after idols that will never truly satisfy, or in pride we try to be the master of our own lives. But we are all poor and needy at our core...we were only made for Him. My African family gets this more than most Christians I know, including me.

He is the blessed Controller of all things, sovereign and in control. He alone reigns throughout the earth. One day we will see that we are but dust and He is Ruler and Judge over all…judging righteously with grace and mercy towards those fully devoted to Him.

I am so thankful that He gives us intimate relationships here on the earth to help us know His love more and draw us near. Those in Sierra Leone will never fully know how thankful I am for them. May I ever live to love and serve them the way they have me. May I use my voice to speak up for their rights and to implore others to judge them fairly. (Proverbs 31:8-9) They are more precious to me than any earthly treasure. They are my gift from GOD!

Those of you here in America who give of your time, money and resources to make a way for me to return to Africa again and again are a gift to me from the Lord. Those of you who give towards the needs of these precious people have become a great source of my joy in the Lord. You have become so endeared to me. May I ever live to love and serve you the way you all have me. You are more precious to me than any earthly treasure. You are my gift from GOD!

I will ever praise Him for making us all one family in Christ. May we lift high His name together across the earth for His glory and our joy!

I love you all!
Shanna

If you would like to look at pictures from my recent trip, here are a few links: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2065196&id=1139719726&l=860c697af7
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2065202&id=1139719726&l=41c1c3dfd2

Here is a link to a few videos of two different boys singing worship songs:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=1475976856288
http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=427561706263&subj=1139719726

Impossible Love (Beauty of the Lord)

2010-05-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

“Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 2 Cor 10:17

Someone whom I deeply respect as 'Great in the Lord' confronted me yesterday about my wife’s involvement in Sierra Leone. The arguments put forth were:

1. There is an abundance of ministry that is needed right here in OKC, so there is no need to rush off to Africa 3 times a year to do ministry. There are people over there that can do ministry in their area.

2. My calling is not to be a missionary in Africa. I am the spiritual leader of the household so Shanna’s job is to fall in line with my ministry. Her place is at home with the children and so she should not run off to Africa and leave the children.

3. He said that biblically a missionary was someone who lived in a different place, not someone who traveled to a different place several times a year.

Here were my answers:

1. Shanna already does more ministries than a dozen men here in OKC. And the Lord said, “Go out and preach and teach to all the world.”

2. She is in line with my ministry. My ministry is to CHASE HIM with all of my heart and to display HIS GLORY. I must decrease, He must INCREASE. I have encouraged and pushed her to go since I first heard the call to minister to these children. She is my greatest gift to them.

My children need more adversity, not more stability and predictability. I have been involved with many great parents that have poured there very souls into their children only to have them rebel. Either my children will Love HIM or they will not. And the best way to show them is to show them that HE is our Life. They need to see that they are not the center of our universe. However, Shanna does not use this as an excuse, she gives them plenty of love and affection.

3. In the bible you actually see more traveling missionaries than you see permanent missionaries.

You see this was not the first time I had been approached about this subject and I appreciate the rebuke. I say, "Confront me more and more about many subjects." If I am in the Lords will I will come out stronger. SHARPEN ME! I will call to HIM and say, “Am I wrong LORD?!” If I am in HIS will I will hear the voice of the ONE I LOVE calling my name! He will say to me, “Come higher my beloved!" I will see HIS beauty. This morning I have seen HIS BEAUTY! And HIS beauty was revealed in MY WIFE THAT HE HAS GIVEN TO ME!

BEHOLD THE BEAUTY OF THE LORD!

One day she was empty, sinful and without hope or direction! At the same time her outward beauty was exposed and exploited, crowds of evil men rejoiced in her aimless empty life. THE CROSS changed all that! OH LORD HOW POWERFUL ARE YOU! You take those who are empty, sinful, without hope and give them real BEAUTY! You break them and then give them NEW LIFE! OH HOW I LOVE YOU!!! AND OH HOW I LOVE HER!

Now she starts her day exposing herself to One and One only. But He will expose Himself through her for all the nations to see. And my children will see Him through her and they will make their decision. And let me tell you we have many children that do not look like us or live with us. Who are our children? They are those who hear and obey the WORD of the Lord! We will give them our best for the LORD has given them to us.

A couple of days ago Solomon, (one of our African sons who lives in Sierra Leone) was told by his classmates, “Your mother (Shanna) could not love you the way you say, it is impossible, you are making it up.” They are right because his mother can not but the Lord can through HER! Behold the BEAUTY of the LORD as he takes the a weak, empty stripper and has her love an orphan, who was not her own, who lives on the other side of the world, with a LOVE that others do not even believe in...a Love they say is “impossible." What is impossible with Man is simple to HIM!

Doesn't the Lord do the same for us? He came across heaven and earth to give us a Love that the world calls “impossible." He took us while we were wicked, sinful and empty and became a Mother to us. HIS word can no sooner forget us that a mother can forget the baby feeding from her breast! WOW! May we love with that same Love! That is why I say...

I am running! Running after YOU!
You have become my souls DELIGHT!
I am running! Running after YOU!
Here with YOU I FIND MY LIFE!

Your beauty has become my joy in song!

Thank You Lord for giving me a glimpse of YOU through my wife. May we die everyday for You.

A Mustard Seed Among Friends

2010-04-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

This was written by my sweet husband:

What a difference 18 years makes! I remember sitting alone wondering, "God, how can I make a difference?" "Will I fall away?" "Won't I destroy this just like everything else I touch?" "Why do I seem to fail every time I try to make a difference?" "Am I fooling myself?" "Am I really in a relationship?" You see, I had just experienced complete failure. The Sunday school teacher had ask me to give the lesson. My first time to talk in front of a crowd with no alcohol in my system. I shared Galatians 5 and told the group that we were not "serving each other out of love." I told them we needed to bond together and reach out be His Hands and Feet together. I did not present this in a rude way but some in the class called me out. "Who do you think you are coming in here barely saved telling us how to live our lives?" ....GOD PLEASE NEVER LET ME BE CONTENT! NEVER LET ME BE SELF RIGHTEOUS!

What could I do? I had two choices:

1. Go back to my house where people were smoking dope and drinking and join in.

2. Go home and walk right past them to my room and fall to my face and call on the Great Name! I was so empty! All I had to do was take a few steps into my living room and false peace could comfort me! Lie to me! NO!

I WAS TIRED OF THE LIE! I WILL GO TO THE CROSS! READ HIS WORD! CALL TO HIS MIGHTY NAME! SEARCH ME GOD! CHANGE MY HART! I WANT YOUR PRESENCE! SURROUND ME! I CANNOT SURVIVE ON A DEVOTIONAL! TAKE ME TO YOUR CROSS! A mustard seed was planted!

I guess some things don't change because today those same few steps can now make me one of the self righteous Christians who are satisfied living the selfish empty church life. They breathe in their man made righteousness just as my friends in the living room sucked in dope. They drink in up their church attendance like it was a bottle of Jack Daniels. IT IS EMPTY! GET ALONE WITH HIM! CALL TO HIS MIGHTY NAME! LET HIM DRIVE YOU TO ACTION! GOD OPEN OUR EYES TO THE WORK OF YOUR HAND! LET US SEE YOUR MIGHTY NAME! MAY THE VERY WHISPER OF JESUS BRING FIRE TO OUR VEINS! MAY IT DRIVE US TO YOUR WORK!

Fast forward to the present day.

Friday, Hillsong United was in concert! I arrived a few hours early. There was already a stream of people flowing into the Loyd Noble. I started seeing those God had used me to minister to 1... 5... 10... Some I spent devoted periods of my life with and others I prayed for salvation with, still others I helped for a short, hard period of their life. GOD OPEN MY EYES TO THE WORK OF YOUR HANDS! Soon the stadium was filled with HIS handy work! All over the stadium they called to HIS GLORIOUS NAME!

I looked down to the floor and there was Brandon Morris! Years ago he walked into Oasis high on Cocaine but the cocaine could not save Him from God's Mighty Hand! Now here he is Raising His Hands calling out to MY GOD! HOW SWEET IS THE NAME OF JESUS! OUR GREAT GOD TAKES OUR MUSTARD SEEDS AND GROWS THEM INTO MIGHTY OAKS! Thank you GOD for using me to make a difference! My life is filled with PURPOSE! Everywhere I go I see those He has worked through me to change.

But there is a middle part to this story. You see my Life changed when I met those of you who have worked with me through the years. Many of you have stepped in when I was weak! Many of you have given when I did not have the money to do His work. Many of you have spoken when I did not have the words. Many of you have encouraged me when I did not have the strength to move on. Many of you with the words of your mouth have driven me to new heights. You see I needed that Sunday school class and I knew it. Now God has surrounded me with those who empower me. I pray that He would open your eyes to THE WORK OF HIS HANDS! Seek Him with everything you have! And one day your mustard seed will grow into a mighty oak!

Spending Time with Him

2010-04-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

This morning I didn't have the boys, thanks to Aunt Nina :) I decided to use all my treasure time to just worship Him. It took about 30 minutes or so of listening to music with worshipful lyrics to just focus my mind fully on Him. There was a struggle to keep my mind from wandering. I was determined. I am so glad He gave me the grace and strength to push through. We have to relentlessly pursue Him, not giving up. He is our prize.

I am coming away with this: There is NOTHING that can take the place of drawing near to Him, spending time alone with Him in His Presence. every day.

I have been fighting to keep Him as my focus. There are many things that I feel strongly about concerning His kingdom work. My flesh wants to run full speed into these things, not stopping to daily seek Him for Him. He could fix all the things in the world that I am passionate about...without me. He chooses to use me for reasons of His own, not to any credit of mine. BUT these things are not the point. He is the point. He is the prize of this life and for all of eternity. We too are His prize. He came for us. And we seek Him not only for ourselves but also for others. So that not only will we have His abundant life but so that others might have this too.

I want to know Him more deeply. I want to live more fully alive to the glory of His name.

I want to sow to please the spirit so that I will not gratify the sinful nature of the flesh. I want to reap from the spirit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control in greater measure.

I have come to believe more than anything else, without wavering, that spending time with Him is THE MOST important thing in our relationship with Him. I also believe it is that thing as Christians that we do the least.

Why is this?

I am reading through the gospels. A few things stuck out to me in Mark. Jesus made it a habit to go to solitary places and spend time with His Father early in the morning.

In the midst of the great needs of the crowds that followed Him, He disciplined Himself to go away and spend time alone with His Father in the middle of it all.

He also did this at the end of his hectic days.

I too want to follow His example.

Life is chaotic and demanding. There are a million noble, kindgom-worthy things in a day that could be done. None of those things compare to seeking Him. When we seek Him first AND in the midst of our day...He gives us power and strength to love our family, give encouragement to our friends, reach out to the lost, spend time with the lonely, meet the needs of the poor and whatever else we are called to for that day. Then when we spend time with Him before we end the day in sleep, we wake up with the gratefulness for a new day.

May I seek Him, first, last and all throughout my day. May my thoughts be fixed on Him. May I be consumed by Him. May I walk in His Presence at all times lifting high His name. He is the Answer for me and for others.

Yes, He is the Answer!

Interesting Statistics

2010-04-15T22:02:00.001-07:00

We recently made a donation to an orphan ministry in Uganda. We got a thank you letter with some very interesting facts:

Thank you for choosing to be a part of Amazima Ministries. Your contribution is greatly appreciated. This gift will ensure that children in Uganda receive an education, nutritious hot meals, needed medical treatment, and so much more. Your support is not only educating these children, but in many cases keeping them alive.

There are an estimated 40 million orphans living in Sub-Saharan Africa. Ninety percent of orphaned children are malnourished, and 85 percent are not enrolled in school. Seventy percent of children not enrolled in school are involved in sexual behavior, others simply go hungry. Three million of these children will die of malaria this year, a disease easily treated with basic medical care. By supporting Amazima Ministries, you have ensured a brighter future for at least a fraction of these precious, vulnerable children.

THIS SPURS ME ON SO MUCH MORE to put James 1:27 into practice!

James1:27
27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

One life can make a difference! Please join me!!!!

I love the Africans...I love Jesus MORE!

2010-04-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am longing to see my African family. I love and miss them so much. I will get to see their beautiful smiles and enjoy the rich fellowship we will share together in less than a week.

As I have been seeking Him on behalf of those I will be with in a few short days...Today I sought Him for Him alone. He has reminded me that He is the greatest desire of my heart. I forget. My affections get misplaced.

I have asked Him to increase my love for Him. I want to experience more of His Presence, more of His life inside of me. There is nothing I can do for His kingdom that can take the place of seeking Him, spending time with Him just because I love Him.

I pray that He increases my passion for Him. I already feel out of place most days. I am just being honest. I feel like I let the world calm me down. But He is slowly removing those restraints and giving me the faith to live more fully alive for His glory. I long for my passion to bring Him fame. I long for this fire to burn brighter on the inside of me. I long to care less about conforming to the patterns of this world and to care more about making every moment count for His sake!

As I yield more to this tugging in my heart to go deeper I find myself thinking of heaven more. I find myself caring less about the car I drive, the house I live in, the food I eat and the clothes I wear. I find myself wanting to sell all my possessions and give to the orphans and the widows. I find myself wanting to wake up even earlier to have even more time alone with my Lord. I find myself sneaking away in the middle of the afternoon to hide in my closet and listen to worship songs so I might feel just a touch of His Presence. I find my prayers being consumed with pleadings for Him to give me something that I can give to others whether it is a word of encouragement or meeting a physical need. I find myself feeling like the highest priority for me as a mom is to teach my children about who He is and how much He loves. I find myself wanting to use my influence for His kingdom instead of my own gain. I find myself being spurred on by a sense of urgency to tell others about this hope I have in Him so they too can have eternal life. I find myself not wanting to miss even a day of reading His word, because it is more precious to me than food. I find myself distraught when I realize I have sinned against someone. I find myself wanting this abundant spiritual life for those I love. I find myself despising the selfish parts of me that I am daily faced with.

I find myself crying out to Him to allow Jerome and I to love and serve those in Sierra Leone. If He said no...I would weep. I would mourn. But I would still love and seek Him with my whole heart.

While I love the Africans...I love Jesus MORE!

May my highest affections always be reserved for Him and Him alone!

Holy Fear

2010-03-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Do you find the more you seek Him, the closer you come to Him, the safer you are, yet the more holy fear you have of Him? I do.

I found myself crying in my closet a few days ago. As I tried to evaluate the core of why I ended up there, this is the conclusion I came to. It wasn’t near as much about my outward circumstances...the boys being loud and disobedient, the house being messy, not getting my to-do list done, the disagreement Jerome and I had all piling up emotionally. No, it was much deeper, and it usually always is.

I am thankful that this time I went to my closet and cried out to Him, praying through it instead of sweeping it under the rug and moving on. My ‘crying in the closet’ sessions are much more messy, but produce a deeper intimacy between me and my Jesus who I love so much!

At my core I want to be pleasing to Him…in every way. Yet at my core I know that never, ever will I be pleasing to Him by any merit of my own. No matter how perfectly I parent my children or how wonderful I am as a wife. My heart is deceitfully wicked above all things. I need Him as much today as I did 13 years ago when I was as messy on the outside as I still am on the inside.

What happened the other day was me failing in my own strength. I couldn’t juggle all the plates that particular day and they came crashing down. My flesh took over and I crumbled. In my failure I ran to my closet to meet with Him, because I realize that He is a safe Refuge. But while in His Presence I also realized He is a holy God and it does no good to play games with Him. It does no good to make excuses for my fleshly reactions to the pressures of being a stay at home mom. So I found myself repenting even for my self-pity. In my sobbing frenzy of emotion, I found myself confessing and apologizing for all the ways I fall short instead of making excuses. This is because in the Presence of a Holy God, I find I have a holy fear and desperately want to be pleasing to Him. I want to be the real deal. I want my motivations to be pure. I don’t want to be motivated to do good by even a hint of selfish ambition. I want to know that it is my love for Him that compels me as much as I know it is His love for me that sustains me. I want my reward to be Him alone because He alone is who I am really serving, even when serving my husband and children.

I want to know He is pleased with me.

He did let me know this.

He did let me know through the sweetness of His spirit bringing peace as the tears stopped, through my husband’s encouragement, through Him flooding my mind with His Truth about how much He loves me and how His love covers the multitude of sin that sometimes reigns in my heart.

He is the very One Who holds my life together. As Jerome reminded the boys at dinner the other night, if God were to even stop thinking of us for a single second we would cease to exist. In Him and by Him all things are held together, including our very lives. I have a holy fear of a holy God, yet in Him I know I am safe. This causes me to fear ever been far away from Him for even a moment. I am desperate for Him, now more than ever!

Out of the Mouth of Babes!

2010-03-12T23:04:00.000-08:00

Oh life just doesn't get any better!!!!

Jerome and I were talking tonight and Micah came into the kitchen with a piece of paper with words written on it. He said, "I've been in my room writing a worship song."

Before I ever read the words I felt inexpressible joy on the inside. You have no idea what a gift this was to me. You see, not only are Jerome and I absolute worship junkies. I struggle with 'feeling' like I am not doing a good job as a mom. I mean, any 'ole normal mom maybe...but I don't want to be any 'ole normal mom. I want to be a mom that loves and leads her children to the heart of God...a mom that loves so lavishly that her children know God's love because of hers...and honestly most days I 'feel' like I miss this mark.

Oh I have learned to count it all joy. I have learned to not listen to my feelings. I have learned to get back up, let Jesus dust me off and walk in his new mercies the next day. I have learned to trust that He is weaving everything together for good…even my mistakes. I have learned that it is OK for my children to not have the perfect mom. They don’t need to see the perfect mom. They need to see the imperfect mom who fails, repents, turns back to God and keeps running the race. They need to see this modeled because Christ will be perfect for them so they don’t have to be. They need to see a mom who desperately loves God no matter how much she fails. If they see my desperation for God they will have the best chance as they too chase after Him in their imperfections and cry out to Him in their weaknesses.

I have learned to love the boys better as the years have gone by. But I still have a nagging fear on the inside that I should be doing better. The truth is, my very best is not enough, it will never be enough. Being a mom is one of the many ways I recognize my need for His grace, His forgiveness, His mercy. No, I am not enough for my children, but He is more than enough for them, just as He is for me.

So, tonight, as God gave me a peek into my sweet boy’s heart, I am basking in His grace and mercy. He is so much more than I deserve and yet this causes me to love and worship Him even more. He put a message on Micah’s heart. His message was not only to Micah, it was also to me. Maybe it is a message to you too whether you are a mom or not. I pray Micah’s worship song speaks to you. Here are the lyrics:

I give my life to you God. It is not enough. And God, you still forgive me. O God. Yes, O God. You gave your son for me God and I wish I could give enough God. But I can’t. Yes, O God.

Is he not the most precious thing EVER!

We serve a God who makes his home in the heart of the ex-drug dealer, the ex-stripper, and the sweet, home-schooled little boy! There is no one like our God. He is worthy of all glory and honor and praise. He alone is enough for every single one of us!

Teach Me to Number My Days

2010-02-27T12:52:00.001-08:00

Thursday evening Jerome took the boys to the gym. I decided to use my few hours of quiet time to catch up on my blog reading. I read a post by Beth Moore. She wrote a letter to her 4 year old grand son on his birthday. I just sat at the computer and cried. As I asked the Lord why the tears? I felt as if I was weeping for the years that are passing so quickly...for the way God has used each of our boys to draw me near...for the joys and sorrows of being a mom...for the ways I fall short. I long to love them more deeply so they might know His love and share it with the world years after I am gone. I pray they would know His perfect, unending love through my imperfect, human love so they would pour it out into the lives of others. I do not want to be distracted from this highly important calling! My tears were tears of sorrow mingled with joy.

I woke up in the middle of the night. I decided to read the latest updates from Matt Chandler. In a world full of pain I am drawn to those who suffer well. He is one of those people for me. I think we have so much to learn from those who focus on Him in the midst of their trials...using them for His glory and the benefit of others.

Certain that God woke me up to speak something to my heart, I was determinded not to go back to bed until I took in all He wanted to show me. I had heard the buzz about Francis Chan's new book Crazy Love. I searched for him on you tube. I ended up intrigued by a 45 minute sermon unlike those I had heart any pastor here in America preach. I wondered how he had any members in his congregation. The truth of His message was strong, convicting and cut to the core. It didn't seem like one that many would return to hear. It was not sandwhiched in between flowery words of encouragement. I needed to hear what he had to say. As my heart disected his words I reluctantly took it in.

All of this combined with my crying session at the computer earlier that evening left me at this place....

I wished I had accepted Him before I was 21. I even wish I would have used the last 13 years more effectively for His kingdom. While I felt sorrow for not lifting up His name higher and sooner, I also felt the grace of Him working all things together for good!

Regret was replaced with a sense of urgency. The reality is that if I live a long life with good health, I have maybe 30 or 40 more years. My life could be half over right now. I do not want to waste a single year, month, day or minute on living for myself.

HE IS THE POINT.

There are people dying spiritually all over my own country. I have the anti-dote to spiritual death alive on the inside of me. I want my life to be wholly devoted to lifting Him up so others might live. I want to learn His ways and walk in them. I want to care more about others than I care about myself. My life was not given to me for me. I have all of eternity to live in bliss, free from pain and sorrow...so why do I waste an ounce of effort here on this earth trying to shield myself from pain or chase after comfort.

I do not want to be luke warm.

I do not want to be spit out of the mouth of God.

I do not want to make my church, my community, my kids, my family, my financial status (good or bad), my ministry, or anything else my idol.

I want to lift up His name alone. He is the only way to life. He is the only Answer for all those who need Him desperately. He is the only Answer for me.

I am one life. But may my life be one that glorifies Him. May I invest all the days He has given me on this earth into people so His name will be lifted High generations after I am gone. May I pour Him into the lives of our children, and anyone else who is close enough to have His life spill over from my life into theirs.

I am asking Him like Moses did, to teach me to number my days. I am also asking Him to help me not waste a single one of them. Our life is a midst and a vapor, yet it can be a mighty tool in the hand of our God. We are but dust, yet through Him we can be used to make an eternal difference. Join me as we cast aside all that entangles us and run the race set before us...knowing He is our Prize, our great Reward!

Psalm 90
BOOK IV : Psalms 90-106
A prayer of Moses the man of God.
1 Lord, you have been our dwelling place
throughout all generations.
2 Before the mountains were born
or you brought forth the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.
3 You turn men back to dust,
saying, "Return to dust, O sons of men."
4 For a thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
5 You sweep men away in the sleep of death;
they are like the new grass of the morning-
6 though in the morning it springs up new,
by evening it is dry and withered.
7 We are consumed by your anger
and terrified by your indignation.
8 You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.
9 All our days pass away under your wrath;
we finish our years with a moan.
10 The length of our days is seventy years—
or eighty, if we have the strength;
yet their span [a] is but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away.
11 Who knows the power of your anger?
For your wrath is as great as the fear that is due you.
12 Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
13 Relent, O LORD! How long will it be?
Have compassion on your servants.
14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
15 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.
16 May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.
17 May the favor [b] of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

You Have Set My Heart Free

2010-02-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

I hesitate in writing these posts some times. I feel I am redundantly writing about the same things over and over with different words. Repeating the same themes some times in a new way. Some times not. But, I feel as if He invites me to revisit the same simple truths again and again because this is where freedom and life are found. Oh how I easy I stray from the narrow path. How often I need to be reminded to return to His ways.

Yesterday was rough. I got stuck in a yucky place emotionally. Anger, sadness, frustration and anxiety were my biggest struggle...though I must say I didn't put up much of a fight. Even at the end of the day I had not been broken. I was quite sick of myself. Jerome was so sweetly staying out of the path of my negative emotions. I caught him holding back a snicker or two at the end of the night. I love that man. He could have put me in my place, but He knows me well enough to know, this too shall pass :)

Well, to my delight I found myself waking up to a bit of relief from myself. The boys stayed the night with grandma so I woke to a still and quiet house. I all but ran to my lil' sanctuary, stopping only long enough to make a cup of coffee. I found at first I had to force myself to seek Him. Sort of going through the motions, you know the way you do when you are not greatly moved. But before I knew it the time was flying by. I came out for another cup of coffee and looked around the house. I thought of all the chores I could get done with the boys gone. Yet I felt a tug pulling me back into the place I set aside to spend time with Him...so I chose Him over the chores. Well, I must say that it was one of my better choices in the last 2 days :) 3 hours later my cup is full. This reminds me of something our friend Brandon said when we were discussing how important it is to seek the Lord first every morning before rushing into our day: The best part of waking up is Jesus in your cup :)

About half way through I was broken and began telling the Lord how sorry I was for my crummy attitude and actions yesterday. I hate it when my sin and selfishness affects those I love the most, my family. I felt as quickly as my repentance came, His grace, mercy and forgiveness came in like a fire consuming my shame. There is something so refreshing about just telling God everything He already knows and truly expressing your sorrow. There is also something holy about begging for His forgiveness, even though you already know He will freely give it. There is something beautiful about desperately asking Him to change you and help you to respond better, differently the next time you are in an intense struggle with your flesh and spirit. There is a strength found in doing these things that is supernatural and simply can't be acquired another way. I am learning more and more how to become undignified before Him. I am learning to not be bothered by adhering to a system or formula, but just prostrating myself before Him however He leads in the moment. This is quite uncomfortable at first, but it is becoming less so with practice. I am even learning to be still and quiet before Him. This is something that is rather difficult for me, yet I am finding most neceassary in our noisy world.

I was trying to decide how to share with all 2 of you who read this just what He has shown me. I have random things scribbled in my journal...verses from various places circled in my bible...profound statements high-lighted in a book that I am reading...and the lyrics from worship songs I have been listening to replaying in my mind.

This is a brief summary of what I am coming away with this morning...well, I suppose now we are moving into the afternoon :)

My satisfaction can only come from Him. My approval can not come from man. Because man should not be who I am serving. My contentment should not come from things, because they will pass away. My significance must not be tied up in my accomplishments, because then I am expecting glory for myself instead of readily reflecting it back to Him. My peace should not be sought through my circumstances because they will always be as shifting sand. Yes, my satisfaction must be in Him and Him alone.

He is the One who satisfies the longings of my soul. He is the only One who's approval I will seek. He is the One I must be serving, even when I am serving Him by serving others. He is the place I will find my contentment. Chasing after things leaves me empty. My significance is found in Him...in who I am in Him and His life lived through me. The most noble achievement I have come about in the flesh does not compare with HIS glory. It is foolish to try and manipulate my circumstances to gain the peace I desire.

Today, by His grace, I am choosing to find ALL of my satisfaction in Him and Him alone. Not in people. Not in what I do for others. Not in my accomplishments. Not in things. Not in my circumstances.

OH THE FREEDOM!

Let me end with these verses. May they speak to your heart they way they speak to mine. May they liberate you they way they have me!

Psalm 119:25-32
25 I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
26 I recounted my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
27 Let me understand the teaching of your precepts;
then I will meditate on your wonders.
28 My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
29 Keep me from deceitful ways;
be gracious to me through your law.
30 I have chosen the way of truth;
I have set my heart on your laws.
31 I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD;
do not let me be put to shame.
32 I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.

Where deep, lasting joy is found...

2010-02-22T05:58:00.000-08:00

The last few days I have really struggled in my emotions because of a trial I have been walking through with someone I love deeply. Negative emotions like anger and sadness have threatened to dominate me. I have struggled to submit my thoughts to Christ regardless of what my emotions are. I have struggled to be still and quiet.

Yesterday joy came in like a crashing wave! On my way home from church I was driving in silence. As my thoughts focused on Christ and all He is doing in the lives of so many around me I thought I might explode with jubilation :) It was welcomed and unexpected. You see, yesterday I was in church with my brother and sister-in-love, my uncle, my mom and her husband, my sweet friends Amy and Crystal and of course my amazing husband. I was thinking about just those few people alone...how their lives have been changed, some radically and over years...some who are just starting to really respond to His pursuit of them. I thought of all the years of prayer for my family and how I see Christ producing fruit in their lives now. The pain of the years when I prayed and didn't see 'results' in the lives of my loved ones faded away knowing they are seeking Him now. This reminds me of something I read during my Treasure Time Saturday morning:

Habakkuk 3:16-19
16 I heard and my heart pounded,
my lips quivered at the sound;
decay crept into my bones,
and my legs trembled.
Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity
to come on the nation invading us.
17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights. For the director of music.

Oh and the day just got better. It was the 2nd week of Jerome and I's new bible study. While Jerome was at Crest he ran into someone we met last week at church and invited him. He came. My uncle (who I have been secretly praying to come because I love him so stinkin' much) surprised me and came. With each person who walked through the front door I became more and more joyful! You see, these people, some single, some married, some new Christians, some seasoned Christians, some just coming back to God, some who have a church home, some who don't, were coming to our house to have fellowship, to learn and discuss God's word, to laugh, to eat, to pray...in our home with us!!! WHO ARE WE to get such an honor as to be a host for the fellowship of our sweet Saviour?

It just doesn't get any better than this. It really doesn't. Let me remind you, I was a stripper for years. I was strung out on drugs. I was addicted to men and bad relationships. I was living life for my own selfish pleasures. Even though my choices left me miserable I would not yield my life to Him. My husband sold drugs and got high every day. He hung out with robbers and death metal thrashers who sang their praises to Satan. He used his influence to keep people in their cycles of sin. He did not want to trade these things for freedom.

And then we both finally made the choice. We chose Him, because after all, He chose us. And our lives have never, ever been the same.

And now, the God of the universe has made his home in the heart of the ex-drug dealer and the ex-stripper. We have had the JOY of pouring into the lives of others what He has poured into us.

Psalm 115:1
1 Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

So as each person walked through the door I marveled at how He drew them. Not to our home, but to Himself. Some of these people, I knew their stories intimately. I knew their struggles against sin, their painful trials, their tenacious pursuit of the living God. Some I did not know much at all about, but I wanted to. I wanted to hear where they were at with the Lord, where they wanted to go with Him. I knew for them to come to our house last night meant they were seeking Him on some level and this alone gave me encouragement.

Not everyone will come back. Not everyone will seek God with their whole heart. Not everyone will choose Him. Not everyone will make Him their joy.

BUT I WILL.

And I hope the joy He has poured into my life will spill over onto anyone who comes near me. And I hope those who are willing and ready to make the daily choice to seek Him will somehow be encouraged, sharpened, and spurred on by Jerome and I's lives. I even hope some will be offended by the undignified and lavish way we love Him, worship Him and live for Him. If not, we are not living fully enough for the glory of God.

I am more fired up than ever to live life full throttle for Christ. There are so many people who need to see a real, authentic love for a real, authentic God. May I be one of those people. Even if I look around and see only a few standing with me. May I still continue to stand. If even one person is drawn near to Him because of His work in my life, one person, it will all be worth it.

I know to live for Him will mean I am rejected by many. I will have to choose to do what is right, trusting that His ways are higher than mine. I will struggle against the unseen sin in my heart. I will have to fix my eyes on Him and not on the things of this earth. I will hurt more deeply for other people. I will have to make my will a slave to His. I will be ridiculed for my standard of righteousness. I will have to reject the world's systems. I will be persecuted. I will have to learn to seek His counsel, coveting His words above anyone else's. I will be despised and misunderstood. I will have to take on His yoke and learn from Him. I will be lonely at times. I will have to say no to the desires of my flesh. Yes, to follow Him means I will suffer on many spiritual, physical and emotional levels. Oh but the privlage of sharing in His sufferings.

I also know that I will have purpose. I will be used by Him. I will experience His power in my weakness. I will share in His inheritance. I will walk in His freedom. I will be satisfied in Him. I will be loved by Him. I will become more like Him. I will reap a harvest at the proper time if I do not give up. I will find deep joy in in the cross, and with Him I will scorn its shame!

Hebrew 12:1-3
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

He is worth it. He is definitely worth it!

At the end of my days how I long for Him to have been glorified through my life. How I long to have spent each day living fully for Him so others might fully live!

May I be the one leper that returned to my Healer and thanked Him. I remember who I was when He called me. I remember. I owe Him my entire life. He deserves all of my heart. Every last part of it!

And this I have discovered is where deep, lasting joy is found!

HULK SMASH!

2010-02-18T20:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight Jerome took the boys to the gym so I could have some quiet time. Homeschooling 3 boys makes for some really NOISY days :)

I decided to just lay in our bed and pray. My thoughts were all over the place. A friend who is hurting in her marriage, another friend who is frustrated in her singleness, a few sweet teenaged girls who are struggling emotionally, a man who has been recently changed by an addiction...and I began to feel a bit overwhelmed. Ifound it difficult to pray at all.

Then I decided to listen to the book of 1 John on my ipod and try to conjure up some 'love' feelings :) My ipod was already on a song called 'Joy Will Come.' I turned up the volume, snuggled in my cozy bed and decided to try to focus on Him. As I concentrated on the lyrics of the song, my mind did focus on Him. As my thoughts changed, my feelings changed. I began to feel hope for those I was burdened for. I was able to pray for them with confidence. Then my mind started flooding with many people who I have recently seen have a surge in their relationship with God which has resulted in more freedom in their lives. I went from feeling anxious to praising Him because of His goodness!

AAWW...it is good to be in the Presence of the Lord. Sometimes we have to choose this. Sometimes I don't choose this. But I am sure glad tonight I did!

My sweet lil' worship session was interrupted by our ADORABLE 5 year old running into our room wearing his HULK costume. Let me add that he has worn it ALL day, including to the park and the grocery store. I said, "Mommy loves you HULK!" Asher said, "HULK doesn't have mommies. HULK doesn't like girls. HULK smashes buildings!"

I mean really, life is so rich and full of the best things!

OH HOW HE LOVES US!

2010-02-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

Last night on the way home from Micah's soccer game we both began singing a song titled 'Oh How He Loves Us' by David Crowder. If you measured our appreciation for God's love by how loudly and off key we were singing...it was a BIG thank you from us to Him :)

It got me to thinking. God's love is what has changed my life. As I have focused on Him, His Love has overtaken many areas of my life. But how often do I really focus on His love FOR ME. I am usually recounting all the ways I missed the mark at the end of my day...frustrated with my sin and the sin of others. But, last night as I sang out a declaration of God's love for me, not my love for God, I was overwhelmed with gratefulness. I felt free. I felt this sense of pride that I am a child of the Creator of everyhting. This was mingled with humility that He lavishes love on me so generously. He wants me, others, to KNOW this love. And not just know about His love but instead to know the FULLNESS of His love. I thought of this verse:

Ephesians 3:17-19
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

These verses imply that to be filled with the FULLNESS of God, I have to somehow know this love that surpasses knowledge. I can not just know it with my mind. I would guess that He is wanting me to know His love with all my heart, mind, soul and strength in the same way that I am called to love Him. He is wanting me to know His love in a way that permeates every part of me, and then pour that love right back out into my relationship with Him and others.

I love that He always simplifies things for me. I seem to make things way too complicated.

By His grace I have been able to know this love in increasing measure by pursuing Him with great tenacity, particularly the last few years. Unlike normal relationships that fade in passion over time...ours has become more beautiful and romantic. He has chosen to love me, and I too have chosen to love Him. I have set aside time to spend with Him most every day. I have realized that by investing in my relationship with my precious Lord, I am investing in every person's life connected to mine. In many ways I am even investing His love into future generations. As I have chosen to be in love with Him, even when the feelings evade me, I have been changed by Him in the most mysterious ways. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago or even yesterday.

I have recently had a few things happen that normally would be emotional triggers for me. I would typically go into a bit of an emotional tail spin, seek God through the chaos of my feelings and then after crying in my closet for a few hours or days be settled under the shadow of His wing. Well, to my surprise, this did not happen. The emotions came in like a tide and then just as quickly drifted back. I was able to count the trial joy. I was able to bring my thoughts into captivity. I was able to look at the bigger picture. I was able to surrender those people and situations into the hands of God with abandon. I was able to trust Him realizing it was not for me to be squished under the weight of, but to cast it on the Lord. All of this, I believe was the result of me spending so much time with Him recently...choosing to focus on my love for Him and His love for me. This simple principal brought about all of these big victories!

He is the Answer to every problem I have. He is the Answer to every problem those I know have. There is no special formula or system that will bring lasting freedom. If there were we would make that system our God.

Many of the people in my life recently have been asking me some really tough questions. I have found that the only Answer I have is to seek Him, with everything. Nothing else will do. Whatever energy we may using on other things, stop and use that energy to know Him more.

To know Him more is to love Him more. To love Him more is to love our sin less. To love our sin less is to walk in more freedom. So simple. So difficult. It requires us to choose Him. Every day. Every minute. Every second. It requires us to set aside everything else we know and love and make Him the pearl of great cost.

I don't know how it works. But I know it works. My life is living proof.

I am more fired up to hold Him out to the world.

May my message always be to others....Christ is all! If I really love others more than I love myself then I will share this message with them. May I lift Him up so others will see Him, know Him and love Him...

...Because OH HOW HE LOVES US!

Pursued by His Love

2010-01-30T10:05:00.000-08:00

I have created a new sanctuary. Wendy's old room. It has been marvelous. Jesus and I meet here every single morning and sometimes in the evenings. I have enjoyed a few hours each day before the boys wake up just growing more in love with my precious Lord. Oh, I hold back so much but I simply can't anymore. I am embracing all the ways I don't fit in. I simply can't be a casual christian. I just can't. I am too broken, too desperate, too needy.

I am discovering more of who He is. More of why He came. More of the joy of the crucified life lived in Him. Only true joy comes when I let Him live through me. This requires me to bring my heart to the alter over and over. This requires me to allow Him to pry the things I hold so tightly from my hands. This requires that I choose to spend time with Him, focusing on who He is. This requires that I daily allow Him to sift my emotions through His Truth. This requires that I choose to love Him and people, deeply, extravagantly and wildly, the way He loves me.

I was sitting here, in my little sanctuary this morning...just enjoying His Presence. I stopped writing in my journal, and just sat with Him. I was snuggled under warm blankets, sipping my coffee, listening to a worship song on my ipod while I looked out the window and marveled and the beauty of everything being covered in pure white snow. I felt so content to just be with Him...as if He and I were having a coffee date, because He is my very best friend...(and He is so much more than this).

I started thinking of women who are hurting everywhere. A group of them will gather next weekend for a night of worship and prayer. I began asking the Lord to heal their hearts. To take them from a place of sorrow to a place of hope...

I I had a thought of my friend Amy Kernal and how precious she is to God. Then I thought of some things the Lord recently showed my friend, Cristy Cash about orphans and widows and God's heart towards them. My friend Amy is a widow who God is using to love orphans in a very real way. In fact as she is loving orphans, her own life is being healed from the wounds of losing her husband. Isn't this just like Him? This is what He does. This is who He is. He is love and mercy. He alone makes all things new. (In Isaiah 58 you can read more about this mystery of God healing your life while you focus on loving the poor, the broken and the needy).

As my thoughts wandered I began thinking of my Uncle who was released from prison 2 weeks ago after 10 years. He is completely on fire for God. He is weird, like me :) (I prefer the word peculiar). He is writing out his testimony and I have been reading it. I began marvelling at how God pursued him even as a young boy. This little boy who lost his parents to prison and suffered at the hands of men who do unspeakable things to children. This little boy that the world overlooked was not overlooked by our God. When he was a young man God used and ex-stripper and a biker on the south side to invite him to church where He got saved. He then became like the prodigal son and tried running from God. BUT God never stopped pursuing him. And now, that young man is grown with children of his own. That man is not who He was. His life has been made new by the Lover of his soul!

My mammaw, my mom and uncle's mom, was trying to raise 3 children with her husband in prison. My mom found out she was pregnant when she was 15. She was still a child herself in many ways. She was young, vulnerable and hurting. She didn't turn to God to deal with the pain. Yet, He was pursuing her...never intimidated by the depth of her need.

There are little girls that live in small houses on the south side that rent from us. There was a time when my husband felt as if God was weeping through him because He was so desperate for these little girls to KNOW Him, to KNOW His love. Jerome felt as if God was also angry, with a righteous anger, that these little girls were kept from knowing Him. Jerome talked to me of the beauty of God...How He looked through out the earth and saw these little girls and had such deep compassion for them. He will not stop pursuing those precious ones, no He will not!

This morning I am reminded that my mom and I were the little girls on the south side at one time. He did not stop pursuing us with His love, no He did not! I am reminded that my uncle was the prodigal son that the Lord pursued even while he was eating with the pigs. He brought him home and is now throwing a party for him...celebrating with great joy that he is finally living the life He has always intended for him to live. Yes, he is living fully alive. He is living in Love and Love is living in him.

I think of my friend Cheryl who knew the richness of being loved by a wonderful, godly man...who knew the joy of raising their children together in the Lord, only to have him leave this earth to go be with the Lord. She can no longer experience that earthly love. Yet her love for God is deep and flows over into the lives of many because she has drawn near to Him in her suffering...because she is a woman who knows that His eternal love is all that she really needs. She knows and relies on the love of God. Many people's lives are affected because she has given her heart completely with great abandon to the One who loves perfectly.

I think of Cheryl's daughter, Deborah, who lost her dad as a young girl to cancer. I think of how she is now loving many children in West Africa who have been orphaned by a terrible war. She is being Love to them. She is being healed as she pours out her life for the One who has poured out His life for her.

I think of my friend Amanda, who is now a single mom for the second time. I picture her joy and tears and she excitedly tells me, 'I am not turning back this time." I can see her desire for Him alone as she tells me about how she gathers with those who love Him to sing worship songs to Him each week. I can picture her desperation for Him. I can picture her joy to be living fully alive in Him. I can picture her deep gratitude that He never gave up on her! His praises are on her lips every time I see her. She is living a life wholly devoted to Him.

I think of my precious friend Melinda who has literally been the love of God to several deeply wounded young women over the years. She has sang songs of His praises and faithfulness over my life. She has wept with me and prayed over me as if I were part of her family. She has reminded me over and over and over how precious to God I am. I am one life of many that has been healed by the love of God through her. She is fighting breast cancer. She is living a life of worship in the midst of her suffering. She is humbly lifting Him up as He perfects His strength in her weakness.

I think of a young man raised muslim, living in a muslim nation. God pursued Him. He walked away from his family, from everything he knew to follow the Lord. He took in orphaned children one by one in the middle of a bloddy, civil war. In the face of persecution, discouragement and great opposition he lived to do the will of God. He is now a middle-aged man that is still living to please God and not people. He is still trusting God for his daily bread. He is still seeking the Lord to provide for the children that He believes are the Nehemiah's of his nation. He is a man after God's own heart, a modern-day David.

I think of my sweet friend Crystal, who gave her baby girl up for adoption in a great sacrificial act of love. I see her relentlessly pursuing God through a brokeness that only He can fix. She is trusting Him to be enough for her in a world that requires more from her than she can give. I see her using her worldly position to glorify her heavenly Father who has put her there. She has a passion to see those the world has tossed aside succeed and beat the odds just as Christ has desired for her. I see her choosing to obey Him and not her emotions so others might have the freedom to do the same!

There are so many more I could tell you about.

I want to be like those that I have mentioned. I want to live a life that is set apart by my love for God and people. I want to live with this kind of abandon to the One I love the most! I want to hunger and thirst for Him more than food and water!

My sweet little coffee date with Jesus has turned into a wonderful time of worship and thanksgiving for who He is...for how He loves...for the beauty and mystery of how He uses the weak to lead the strong...of how He brings beauty from the ashes of our lives. We can not live in this world and not experience pain. But when we bring that pain to Him, He does what only He can do...He makes something beautiful out of it.

I do NOT want to be normal. I do NOT want to fit into our American christian culture. I do NOT want to be a casual christian. This will not do for me. It simply will not do. It is not what the world needs. The world is desperately crying out for a Love that is strong enough to heal. We were created to live in Him and have Him through us. This is where our purpose lies. This is where true life is found. This is where we will live most fully alive. This is where we will find deep, lasting joy that super cedes our circumstances.

Yes, I want to find all of my satisfaction in Him alone. I want to live to glorify Him in all I think, say and do. I do not want to be distracted from Him. I do not want to walk on the middle ground. I do not want to settle.

I want to live!

At the end of my days on this earth, my heart longs to hear Him say, "Well, done my good and faithful servant."

He has pursued me all the days of my life. May I now spend the rest of my days pursuing Him.

This is my prayer today for you. As I sit in my little sanctuary with my precious Lord...I am crying out for Him to burn like a consuming fire on the inside of each of us, so we might carry His love into all the earth, screaming His faithfulness from the mountain tops!

There is no one like Him. He alone is the only One who will satisfy the longings of our souls. To Him be all of the glory, honor and praise!!!!

Love is a choice.

2010-01-22T18:15:00.000-08:00

This morning during my Treasure Time I decided to do a word study. I started at obedience and ended up at love. I looked up the word love in the Webster's Dictionary. Here is the definition:

Love: (noun) strong affection; warm attachment.

This is the definition that I believe the world has adopted. I believe most people think, like Webster's that love is a feeling. We all know feelings come and go. I believe the Bible's definition is the true one.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says that love IS (verb) patient and kind. It says that love is SOMETHING (noun) that never fails. It lists all the good things that love does and all the evil things love doesn't do.

These verses tell us that love does not envy or boast. Love is not rude, self-seeking or easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love ALWAYS protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. Love NEVER fails.

Love is an active, willful choice (verb). God is also Love (noun).

If we are His then He lives on the inside of us. We can choose to be led by our feelings. This is what comes naturally for us. We can also choose to allow God to love through us. This is super-natural. This requires dependency on Him. This demands obedience. We can NOT live out the definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13 in our own strength. Yet through Him we can do all things.

No, love is not as much a feeling as it is a choice.

God is love.

When we choose to daily crucify our flesh, our sin-nature and allow God to love...to be love...to be who He is through us...then we are living out the true definition of love. When we practice being like God, by choosing to love, we will soon discover that super-naturally we will 'feel' more of His love. We will 'walk' in more of His love. We will do what comes natural less as He super-naturally lives His life of love through us.

Today, by the power of His Spirit within me, I choose to actively love. I choose to not obey the desires of my flesh, my sin-nature. I choose to not do what comes naturally but instead I choose to do what comes super-naturally.

His love never fails.

His love is what it will take to heal my life and the lives of all those connected to mine. His love is the only THING (noun) I can offer to my husband, children and the world that has any power, worth or eternal value.

Today I choose to love Him. Today I choose to love others, even if I don't 'feel' like it.

Thank you Jesus for being the perfect example of love while you were on the earth. Thank you for choosing to do your Father's will by laying down Your life so that we might live. I know that You cried out in anguish for Him to show you another way. I know you didn't 'feel' like going to the cross. Yet in the end you obeyed and chose to do His will because you love Him...because you love us.

Yes, You are the perfect example of Love lived out. You did not obey your feelings. You obeyed the One who is Love. And now we are the reward for your obedience. He has given us to You just as You asked. We too will be rewarded as we diligently seek You...seek to do Your will...seek to love the way You call us to...the way You do.

Lord, let our reward be more of You, therefore more of your Love. Let our reward be that we are used by You to love a lost and hurting world. Just as You asked Your Father for us, we also ask for the lives of those You love. Use us to draw people into this Love that is eternal and unending....this Love that never fails.

May we love so wildly and extravagantly that those who don't know You will want to...and those who do know you will be inspired to love You and others deeper.

May we know that Love is so much more than a feeling.

Love is not only what you do (verb) but it is also who you are (noun).

Your Love is More Commendable Than Mine

2010-01-14T09:26:00.000-08:00

When I go away to Sierra Leone to love on orphans...the one I love the most is here in America...loving with greater sacrifice than me. I want the world to know how important his role is in my life and how incredible he is!

My Love,

Each time I go to Sierra Leone, I come back with a deeper love and appreciation for the man of God that you are…the sacrifices you make for the kingdom of God and the way you serve me day to day. Thank you for allowing me the freedom to walk in the plans the Lord has had for me before the foundations of the earth. I could not fulfill the calling on my life unless you were faithful to love and encourage me the way you do.

I am so proud of the way you love God, me, Wendy, our boys and those in Africa who you have never even met. Your love is much more commendable than mine. You are so strong in Him. You do not waiver and have taught me to trust in Him and not in man or human systems. Your mentoring has been invaluable. Your love has been life changing. You are the man of my dreams and I love spending my life with you. I love raising our children together, reaching out to others together and changing the world for His name sake, TOGETHER.

I can’t imagine life without you. I can’t imagine this world without you. You are making such an eternal difference.

I know it is difficult. I know you face many temptations. I know you want more than anything to be as close to the Lord as possible. You have so many distractions and responsibilities and yet you push through, not giving up….seeking Him with all your heart. Your example in this has spurred me on to do the same.

I want you to know that the last 11 years have been a dream come true. I am living out all I ever wanted in Christ with you….together with you.

You are precious to me. Please know that not one thing you have invested in my life has been wasted. God is using all of it…to refine me, to purify me, to draw me near, to cause me to be broken, to teach me about who He is and what I am called to.

I am honored, so honored to be your bride. I know I disappoint you at times and fail you even more…yet you keep these things to yourself and only love and encourage me. You sacrifice in so many ways. God’s love through you is still changing me all these years later.

I know people look at my life and see who I am now in Christ. I want the world to know that I am only who I am because you allowed God to use you to love me to a place of purity.

Jerome, I am able to pour love into the lives of others because you have poured it into my life. Please know that anything God does through me is connected to you…that any crown I may receive to cast at his feet on that day is because of you. My life is an extension of yours.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not amazed that you chose me. I do not deserve you on my very best day. This makes me so thankful to Jesus that He gave you to me! I rejoice at the life we have together. It is a rich treasure that nothing can compare to!

I love you sweet husband. More than you know!

Me

Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

2010-01-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

I am back from Sierra Leone. By the grace of God I am settling back into my American life. This transition is always unique for me. I don’t think it is ever easy.

I am not sure where to start so I guess I will start from the beginning.

We missed our flight in London and had to stay the night at a hotel. We had to take two extra flights and go through many extra hours of travelling starting the next evening. We finally arrived two days after we were supposed to. I can now say I have walked on the land of Kenya…if walking from the airport to the airplane counts 

This whole process forced me to depend on Him. I was discouraged. I was heart sick. I did not want to be in London. I did not care about seeing Big Ben or St. Peter’s Cathedral. At that moment I didn’t care about the opportunity to learn about London’s rich history. I wanted to see Pastor Hassan’s face and hold my African sons hand on the drive to the orphanage. I wanted to walk up the familiar hill to the home. I longed to see beautiful African women with babies tied to their backs while they carried bowls of bread on top of their heads. I wanted to be greeted by 90 orphans smiling faces. I wanted to sit and hug my African sons and daughters and have them tell me about how they are doing in school, what they have been reading in the bible, how their lives have been during our 5 month separation. I wanted to spend every waking moment of the 10 days I had been planning with the ones I love. God has His own way. God has His own timing. God has His own plan. So I chose to trust Him.

In looking back I know the Lord used the extra travel and missed planes to prepare me to do His will while I was in SL. He used the extra time and the fatigue to allow me to be emptied of myself, to be weak so I could experience more of His strength. In my emotional and physical weakness I cried out to Him. Through this He revealed many things in my heart. Things I needed to let go of...ways I wasn’t trusting Him. He brought me near.

I secretly think He stretched out the days while I was there. It did not feel like we lost two days. In fact it felt as if He multiplied every day we were in country. The days were long and they were full. Full of His love, His purposes, His voice, His breath, His joy, His sorrow, His wisdom, His counsel, His will.

Like never before I felt as if this must have been the culture Jesus walked in while on the earth. I reflected on all I have learned about His life through the gospels. I am certain if He were here today He would be walking among the poorest groups of people in the world…giving the willing ones a spiritual richness...living water.

At one point we were telling Pastor Hassan we wanted to understand the culture of Sierra Leone so we could best minister to the children. He told us we only needed to read the bible to understand his culture. This has stood out in my mind. If I want to understand Jesus more…the compassion He had, I need to understand the culture He lived in, the people He walked among, the struggles they faced. What better place than Sierra Leone, Africa, the poorest, most undeveloped nation in the world.

Each time I go, I understand a little more. Each time I go, I feel a little closer to Jesus. I know God has ordained for me to live here, in America, for such a time as this. I know that He is has also purposed for me to walk among those He walked among, and to have an opportunity to pour into their lives so I can experience more of His compassion for others…even more of His compassion for me.

The first night I laid on my bed trying and write out all the ways I was grateful for finally being with those I had longed to see. My prayer of thanksgiving turned into weeping. I could not stop my tears. I was faced with my weakness, my sin, my tight grip on my own plan. I remember telling the Lord how sorry I was for all the ways I don’t trust Him, for all the ways my sin and my selfishness affect others, for all the ways I try to control and have my own way, for all the ways I rely on my own strength instead of His. I told Him I just wanted Him to have his way. I realized that I am dust and He doesn’t need me to accomplish His will. He is God. He is sovereign. He is the One in control. I told Him how humbled I was that He would use me. ME…of all people….to love and serve these precious ones. I told Him how I felt unworthy and yet loved deeply all at the same time.

I did not fully understand where the tears were coming from. I just know in that moment I was broken, and I felt His compassion for me. I felt Him comfort me, reminding me that He sympathizes with my weaknesses, and like Him, like the body of Christ in Sierra Leone, He wants me to learn obedience from the things I suffer. This is His love for me. He had given me a glorious opportunity to become like Him in my brokenness.

This was the foundation He laid for the trip. He built on that foundation for the next 8 days. Pray I can put into words all He wants me to share. There was so much. At the end of each day I would marvel at ALL He had done. It was miraculous. It was as much a miracle as giving sight to the blind or turning water into wine.

I see Him a little more clearly now. Pray that I will ponder all these things in my heart. Pray every ounce of love He poured into me there I would pour back out here. Pray I would seek Him more than ever because I have seen His love and compassion in a new way. Pray I would live only to do His will!

Over the next few posts may you enjoy hearing about the beautiful people of Sierra Leone and may you hear God speak to you through their lives as He has to me.

Eternal Investments

2010-01-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

I arrived home from Africa Saturday evening and assumed my first blog post of the new year would most definitely be about those precious ones I love so much in Sierra Leone.

However, I spent time at the hospital last night with the Bruss family and woke up throughout the night with them on my heart and mind. I am certain they are on the heart and mind of God. I am compelled to share with you what the Lord taught me through the few hours I spent with this godly family.

Some of Jerome and I’s best friends for years have been Brian and Angi bruss. (They are siblings). When I first met Jerome, he affectionately called Brian and Angi’s parents Mom and Dad and they joyfully accepted this strange addition to their sweet family 

Brian’s dad, Dwight went into the hospital December 23rd with severe headaches. Other than that he was healthy and happy. He went on to have 4 brain surgeries in 4 days. He is now in a coma.

Dwight and Ann have been married for over 30 years. They have sought the Lord with their whole hearts. They have rooted themselves in a local church. They have raised their children in the Lord. They have invested in the lives of others. They have faithfully cultivated godly friendships. They are now reaping a harvest of love and righteousness because they have not given up. They have fought the good fight and are finishing the race.

I was praying on the way to the hospital that the Lord would give me something to give this family…that I might offer them His love and encouragement. I left that place feeling as if God had called me there for me much more than for them.

I watched as this precious momma was given the support of her children. They discussed difficult issues with grace, respect and dignity. Her children offered counsel, love and laughter during a difficult time. They are rising to call her blessed. I couldn’t help but think that when Proverbs 31 was written, the Lord had Ann in mind.

Shortly after I arrived some of Dwight and Ann’s best friends for 27 years came to bring her dinner. They have faithfully been by her side the last few weeks. I heard of many answered prayers from pillows and tooth brushes being provided to signs of Dwights improvements when all hope seemed to be lost. This couple has been suffering and rejoicing with Ann as she has walked through this difficult time. She is not alone. She has a community of believers that are surrounding her with love and prayer.

Ann told me of how the Lord has been reminding her in many ways that He is with her…working in every detail…that she is to trust Him moment by moment not worrying about the ultimate outcome. She has the faith of those in Hebrews Chapter 11. Her faith is not based on whether God heals her husband on this earth. Instead, her faith is in who He is no matter what He chooses to do. The Lord may leave Dwight here for another 10 years or another week. She trusts Him either way.

As Ann is walking through this trial with her children and her friends her light and momentary afflictions are achieving for her a glory that far outweighs them all. He is being glorified and lifted up for every person connected to her life to see. I think she is too busy focusing on the Lord to realize just how much she is impacting the lives of others through her confidence in Him.

As I woke up throughout the night the Lord was speaking to my heart. I was at the hospital last night to observe many things so the Lord could teach me this:

My life is not my own. It was bought with a price. We have been appointed a certain of number of days on this earth. We are all appointed a time to die. Our lives are a mist and a vapor…even if we live to be 100 years old. I must make good use of my time on this earth. I must continue to invest in my relationship with the Lord and the lives of others. I must honor and serve my husband at all times. I must raise my children in the Lord and not grow weary in doing this. I must cultivate godly friendships. I have heard this message from the Lord with increasing importance over the last several years. I know last night He allowed me to see the fruit that will come when I obey Him in these things without giving up. Eventually the relational, eternal investments I make will reap a harvest of righteousness that has eternal value if I continue seeking Him with my whole heart.

It is easy to grow weary or become deceived when we are trying to serve God in a world that gives such spiritual opposition. Last night I saw the reward for being steadfast in the things He has called me to.

Thank you Ann for loving Jesus, Dwight, your children, your friends and me with an everlasting, eternal love. You are one of my heroes. Your life is a great encouragement to me and to many! May you know that He is perfecting His strength through your weakness. You are an oak of righteousness and a display of His splendor for the world to see!

The Prayer of a Righteous (Wo)Man

2009-12-17T18:15:00.001-08:00

One of my younger cousins is in prison. He has recently sstarted a job in a work program. His boss has let him call me every day for the last week.

This young man is so precious to me. He lived with us as a teenager. He accepted Christ into his life during that time but has had a lot working against him.

The really cool thing is that his dad (my uncle) who is also in prison, has recently become VERY on fire for the Lord. So much so that he is leading a bible study with a few guys. They are studying the book of Revelation verse by verse. Me, Jerome and the boys visit him about twice a month. We have rich conversations about God, scripture, theology, the church, social justice and more. He even listens daily to an ipod filled with mostly worship music that we gave him a few months ago. He complains about the secular songs on it and says he skips over them. He wants a job in the ministry when he gets out. He would like to intern with Teen Challenge, a ministry to those enslaved to drug and alcohol addiction.

My uncle is also very special to me. He is serving his second prison sentence. He has been in for 10 years this time. His dad (my grandpa) was in prison 3 times. The last time for over 20 years. You see the pattern.

I have prayed fervently many, many times for these men over the years. I have longed for them to know God's love and live in the freedom of Christ. I can't tell you the burden I have carried for each of them at different times.

Not having a relationship with my dad set me up for many failures in life. Seeing the impact of the intimate relationship Jerome and the boys have with each other has made me long for these men also to have this with one another. A father needs to have intimacy with his children as much as the children need this with their fathers.

My cousin, Josh, called Wednesday and was expressing a desire to get a hold of the mother of his young son. We brainstormed on some ideas and didn't come up with much. I finally said, "Josh, let's both pray about it. Let's ask the Lord to put an idea in our minds and lead us to the right solution." He quickly said, "OK." It was a bit awkward even saying it...but I knew he desperately desired to be connected to His son...I knew the Lord desired this too...and I didn't know what else to do.

He called me later that afternoon with great excitement. He said about 15 minutes after he got off the phone with me the first time that he remembered he used to do construction for a guy who is a cop. He remembered this guy's number. He called him and asked if he would find out the contact information for the mom of his son. The guy agreed.

Josh then said, "did you pray when we got off the phone?" And I actually had...the moment we got off the phone in fact.

I was shocked. First of all, what the guy agreed to do probably isn't even legal. Second of all...how did Josh remember the number and why would the guy even agree...he is a cop...Josh is calling him from prison. I knew it was God.

I told Josh this was such an encouragement to me. I admitted to him that most times when I pray, God either doesn't answer yes, or at the very least it takes time to receive an answer. I also told him that I knew God answered so quickly because He wanted to show Josh how much he loves him and desires for him and his son to be connected. And I know the Lord wanted to make me stand their with my mouth open in awe of Him! I love it when He shows off :)

Sometimes I am not so quick to turn to God for the answer to my problems or the problems of others. I set aside time for prayer each day. I even set aside time once a week on Saturday morning to pray with my sweet friend Crystal. Because we all know where two or more are gathered together....

I will even be burdened with a thought and I will tell myself I need to remember to pray later about whatever is weighing on my mind at the moment.

I think God knew I needed a reminder that He is God and I can cast all my cares (and the cares of others) on Him immediately. He will be faithful to answer in His way and in His timing. And sometimes His timing is FAST...but not always.

James 5:16 The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Just another really cool thing. I told Josh we wanted to send him $20 for Christmas. He said he would rather us buy him an NIV study bible so he could understand the scriptures better. Another really cool thing....the bible I gave my uncle (his dad) 10 years ago when he first went into the county jail...he is now using not only to study on his own but to lead other men in the study of God's word.

God just doesn't get any more fantastic than this! He is so good!

I choose to love You!

2009-12-16T18:02:00.000-08:00

I have an hour of quiet while Jerome and the boys are at the gym. I was walking around the house picking up with a line of a worship song stuck in my head. I started humming and singing it over and over. This is what it says:

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon, in awe of the one Who gave it all.

I'll stand, my soul Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.

For whatever reason I haven't been in a tremendous 'feeling' season with the Lord. These times are destined but they are hard for me. I am an emotional person. Okay, maybe I am a REALLY emotional person. This used to get me into trouble...a lot. I used to be ruled by my emotions. Now, most of the time I am ruled by Christ.

During my quiet times I have not been greatly moved. I have been going through the motions feeling almost a bit of anxiety because I haven't 'felt' a strong sense of His Presence. Sort of like, "Am I doing something wrong...is He displeased with me in some way?" I have found it less inviting to spend alone time with Him.

I had some drive time by myself last Saturday. It was kind of a country drive and I was excited. I planned on turning the music off and just praying, connecting on an emotional level kind of praying, to the Lord. Still nothing...no warm, fuzzy feelings. I started to tell the Lord how hard this was for me...how much I loved Him and just wanted to feel His Presence...how much I wanted Him to speak to me.

OK...guess what happened...NOT KIDDING...at that moment I came up behind a truck that said AGAPE in giant letters across the tail gate. My mouth dropped. I knew this was the Lord. The Monday of last week my husband spoke to the teenaged girls about having AGAPE love for God. The love that we CHOOSE to have for Him. It is the strongest form of love and it happens to be the one that does not have a 'feeling' attached to it. It is a love of the will. There are other forms of the word love that have more feeling connected to it. Phileo has friendship feelings attached. Eros has sexual feelings attached.

Agape is a choice, not a feeling.

Once God made sure I had time to process this and make the connection, the truck turned. He spoke to me alright :)

I am not a spiritual super hero...nothing special about me. If you were to remove God's spirit you would find a selfish, not-so-nice girl. For the last 13 years I have made a choice to love Him with an agape love. I have chose to read my bible, listen to music that focuses my mind on who He is, to love people, to seek the forgiveness of others when I have sinned against them, to get back up when I fall and miss the mark, to praise Him in the midst of suffering, to obey when I don't 'feel' like it.

Even if the 'feelings' never come again I will still choose to love Him the best I can in this earthly body.

I will choose to do what the words of this song say:

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon, in awe of the one Who gave it all.

I'll stand, my soul Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.

Righteous Anger

2009-12-15T18:55:00.001-08:00

Can a holy and righteous God get pissed? Yes, I think He can, in a holy and righteous way. He is jealous for us. He doesn't want some of us, He wants all of us. I think He gets angry when anything threatens to keep Him from having intimacy with one of His children...whether it is an addiction, a system, a relationship or any other little god. I think He is a mighty Warrior who is fierce in His passion for us.

Some people who rent a house from my husband have little girls. My husband has fallen in love with them. He was in between jobs a few months last year and would often drop by just to see the girls and play with them. He would go get them and take them to church with us. They LOVED going to church and always asked when they could go again each time he'd come by.

These girls live in a very small space in not-so-great living conditions but they have joy! Their parents started avoiding us on Sundays so we wouldn't take them to church. One Sunday Jerome had enough. He got pissed. I got mad that he got mad. I rebuked him. God rebuked me. He was experiencing God's righteous anger. God was jealous for these little girls to know Him. He wasn't happy that their parents were keeping them from Him. His anger was just.

That Sunday Jerome cried through worship...through the sermon...on the way to lunch...and even sat in the parking lot while me and the boys went in the restaurant to order. Why was he weeping? Because the God of the universe cares so much about these little girls living in this little bitty house on the not-so-great side of town...that He would take the time to be pissed that they were being kept from having an opportunity to know and experience Him.

On the way home that day, Jerome spoke to me of the beauty of God.

The Lord is just in His anger, perfect in His love.

He is jealous for us and this is a perfect expression of His love.

I was reminded of this story. Tonight I was pissed at the thought that someone I love fiercely might be kept from from having an opportunity to know and experience the Lord more deeply. I am jealous for her to not just be a christian but to have a deep intimacy with Jesus. She has been through more than I can wrap my mind around. I want this for her as much as I want my next breath. I think Jesus does too.

Now I know how Jerome felt that day.

The reality is, no matter how intense my emotion...I don't know what will happen with those sweet, little girls who live on the not-so-great side of town. I don't know what will happen with the precious one that my heart aches for tonight.

Yes, a holy and righteous God can get pissed. He can also weep. I am created in His image. I'm in awe that He allows me to feel the smallest portion of what He feels. While I am imperfect in my emotions, He is perfect in His.

Psalm 103:8

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

P.S. Do ya'll like my picture of the angry Wolverine guy? Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself...I know God does :)

Full Life

2009-12-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

Last friday night I sat in a room full of the most beautiful women, inside and out. We worshipped, laughed, cried, prayed and encouraged each other. We shared the joys and sorrows of our journey with the Lord. It was a precious experience.

Many of these women are single and are hurting over broken relationships. I was thinking on the way home how easily, as women, we try and use broken cisterns to get water for our souls. We were created to only drink the Living Water that comes from the Well that never runs dry. It is easiest to turn to people or things to try and satisfy our souls, but for the Christ follower this is idolotry. It is a lie that leads us to being enslaved by gods that were never meant to control our lives. When we seek our fulfillment outside of Christ, we are left wounded, broken and hurting.

I am speaking from experience. Because I too have walked a mile or so on this road and I am familiar with the pain.

What I want to hold out is hope. There is another way. A better way.

Freedom is possible.

I came across this verse. It put truth to my desires for the women who were hurting friday night.

John 10:9-10 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.[a] He will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Jesus came not only so that we could be saved. He came so that we may have life and have it to the full. His desire has always been for us to come to Him daily to be filled...not to a person or substance or object. He knows this is the only way to true freedom. He knows any thing else is a lie from the enemy seeking to kill, steal and destroy our lives.

While my heart breaks for the place that some of these women are at. I have an equal amount of excitement for where the Lord will take them if they will let hope take root in their hearts, take hold of His hand, and let Him lead them into the glorious land of freedom. The freedom to say no to that person or thing beckoning for their highest affections that should be reserved for the Lord alone, the Lover of their souls.

I can confidently say that freedom is possible. That joy will come. That you can have a full life in Christ.

It has happened in my life and is still happening every single day. I say this humbly and boldly.

Freedom is possible.

I remember how weak and miserable I was. I remember how enslaved I was to my emotions. I remember how crippling the pain was.

I am thankful for the intimacy that has been produced between the Lord and I as I have drawn near to Him in my hurt. I am fully aware that I still must do this today, 13 years later. If I try and draw water from a broken cistern I will be left empty. If I come to Him to fill my cup, it will be overflowing. Yes, I have a full life in Christ, and you can too...just trust Him in the midst of the pain. He came so that you may have life and have it to the full!

He is a Mystery. His will is not.

2009-12-02T06:40:00.000-08:00

I have been trying very hard to not blog about Africa so that everyone would think I have a normal, American life. But this morning my heart is FULL of many things concerning the people of Sierra Leone. I am still in awe that the Lord has allowed me the opportunity to visit this little country on the coast of West Africa...that He has allowed me to walk among these precious people who have not been overlooked by Him. He knows each one by name...created them with His own hand and lives to pursue them with His love.

While I have a wonderful life here in America, a part of my heart is always in Africa. I do not go on mission trips and then simply return to my normal American life with little thought of those I left behind. I can't...not even if I used every ounce of strength to try. My heart and mind are constantly flooded with thoughts of my African family. There is a continuous, dull ache because my American and African families are not together on one continent. I doubt this ache will ever go away. I'm not sure Jesus wants it to.

Each time I visit Africa my eyes are opened more, my heart is broken more, and my resolve stronger than ever to let God use me to bring relief and deliverance for these precious ones. Like Esther, I want to have the courage to use my royal, American position for such a time as this. I desperately want to be one of the ones He chooses to bring hope and healing to these sweet people.

I do not deserve to be used for anything. I am weak, sinful, insecure and the list goes on...but I am willing. I am willing. I don't have much to offer, but I want to be used. I don't have much strength, but I want to fight. No, I do not have much, but what I do have I humbly bring before Him and ask Him to multiply it for the good of these people and the glory of His name. I am desperate to be emptied of myself so that I can love more lavishly and live more deeply.

What is the point of living this life if we are not investing in eternal things? I am not asking this from a position of authority, I am asking this from the position of a student who is learning, every day, what it means to deny my flesh, take up my cross and follow Him.

He is teaching me, through His word, through brokenness, through failure, through my relationships, through the times I have alone with Him that the point of this life is to do His will.

He is a mystery. His will is not.

Scripture is clear what our purpose is and it resonates in our hearts if we listen to His still small voice on the inside...if we open our eyes to the needs all over our world. We are called to love the hurting. Reach out to the lost. Nurture our children. Honor our spouse. Clothe the naked. Feed the hungry. Bind up the broken hearted. Fight for justice. Love Him and our neighbors, even our neighbors on the other side of the earth, with all our heart mind and soul.

This is simple. This is also difficult.

It is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to learn to do...harder than breaking my drug addiction or walking out of the strip clubs. But it is also the greatest source of joy I have ever known. I have found more purpose in abandoning myself to Him and allowing Him to love through me more than I ever imagined.

This is our God. A mighty warrior. A humble servant. A just ruler. A defender of the weak. A loving parent. A faithful friend. Yes, this is our God.

I was created in His image. I want to do what He did when He was on the earth. I want to live to do His will for the glory of His name. I do not want to live for selfish gain. This will no longer do. The conflict in my heart is too great. He has won me over in the most wonderful way. I am His. Fully His. Living to do His will.

So off to Sierra Leone I go....again...in 26 days and counting. Pray for me to be emptied of myself and to love deeply.

Friendship and Coffee

2009-11-29T01:33:00.000-08:00

I had coffee with two amazing women Friday morning. One of these women, Ixie, lives in California and she is here visiting my friend Sally. I met Ixie for the first time on my second trip to Sierra Leone, Africa in November of last year. On our trip we were all so enthralled with the kids that we didn't get the time together that I wished we would have. So you can imagine how excited I was for this coffee date! I knew from watching Ixie with the kids in Africa and all that Sally had shared with me about her that she was an extraordinary person. I couldn't wait to get know her better...to just be in her presence.

As we sat in the coffee shop I asked Ixie to share the story of how she came to Christ. I NEVER tire of hearing these stories. In fact, I have often thought of how wonderful it would be if we could listen to these stories for all of eternity once we are in heaven. I think it would spur on the most powerful worship experience that has ever been.

I loved hearing how the Lord pursued my precious friend and rescued her from despair. It is so beautiful to me. She is madly in love with the Lord. He has given her a wonderful life in Him. She is thanking Him for that life by pouring His love into others.

As I listened to her story my heart filled with hope for the lost again. There are many people being pursued by God this very moment. Some of those people are overlooked by the church or scoffed at by the world. I have hope for them. I have hope for the least of the least.

He always has and always will use the weak to lead the strong. This is one of the things I love most about His character. When we come to him feeble and powerless, in complete surrender, He uses our lives to make a difference in significant ways. He delights in raising us up from the ashes of our broken lives to display His beauty for the world to see.

He is weaving together the lives of people who's hearts who are devoted to Him. As we talked we were marvelling at the way God had connected Ixie to Sally's life when she needed family. He connected Sally to my life when she needed community. He connected my life to theirs when I needed friendship.

Even though I have only known Ixie a short while...even though Sally and Ixie have been friends many more years that Sally and I...for those 2 hours in that coffee shop it felt like the 3 of us had been friends for all of our lives. It felt as if the 3 of us had a mutual love for each other, the Lord and humanity. This can only be God. Just another one of His miracles. Just another reason I am so happy I said yes to Him 13 years ago. Just another reason I am thankful that He is a relational God who has called us to place worth and value in relationships and not material possessions. Just another reason to praise Him!

We rambled on about our love for those sweet orphans on the coast of West Africa, our wonderful husbands and few things in between. I can't help but think that God flew Ixie all the way to Oklahoma to give me that time as a special gift. Ok, maybe that's not the only reason, but I bet it is part of the reason. He delights in giving His children good gifts...and what better gifts than friendship and coffee :)

I love you sweet friends!

Our Royal Position

2009-11-27T07:08:00.000-08:00

Esther 4:14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

As I was reading through Esther the verses above stood out to me like they hadn't before. I kept coming back to them over the next few days.

Here is how they have settled in my heart. I do not want relief and deliverance to arise from another place for even one single person I am called to help. I never want to misuse my royal position in Christ by doing nothing.

Esther was tempted to think she could sit in silence because of her royal position and ignore the edict sent out to destroy the jews. I too find these temptations in my own life.I too have been given a royal position in Christ for a purpose. God does not NEED to use me to bring relief and deliverance to anyone. He is God. He can do this Himself. He could use a donkey if He chose. No, He certainly doesn't need me to accomplish justice or mercy. But the joy when He chooses to use me. The joy. Nothing compares.

I am burdened for many people. I am praying for the Lord to give me the courage to act in these peoples' lives. I do not want to be held back by fear or complacency or intimidation of the needs. I do not want to ignore the injustice all around me. I do not want to ignore the injustice that is half way accross the earth just because it isn't directly in front of me either. I want to go boldly and humbly before my King and ask Him to bring relief and deliverance through me. Please join me. I promise, together we can change the world with His love.

Daughters of the King

2009-11-24T22:20:00.000-08:00

I had a plan for the teeanged girls' group on Monday. God had another plan. His plan was better. So much better.

These girls AMAZE me.

One of the girls came with a list of honest questions. She wanted to know things from, 'Can you lose your salvation?' to 'Are Jews going to heaven or hell?' to 'Does God talk back when you pray?' to 'If you don't ask for forgiveness for a sin and you die will you still get to go to heaven?' to 'How do people in remote parts of the world who have never heard of Christ get saved?' AND MORE. Her questions, I am certain were prompted by God. It opened up a tremendously wonderful dialogue between all of us. Her questions gave some of the other girls the courage to ask about their own concerns. I will tell you that not all of the girls that come and sit in my living room each week have given their lives to Christ. I have had this feeling for some time. Monday night it was confirmed by at least one of the girls. Can I tell you how happy this makes me.

This is why:

During a worship event friday night a line in one of the songs made me start weeping. The song said, "For all your sons and daughters who are walking in the darkness, You are calling us to lead them back to you."

We were all birthed into this world with the intention that we would become His children, a part of His family. There are those who are walking in darkness and we, as Jesus' followers, are called to lead them back to their Creator, their heavenly Father.

The girls that come to my house each week to hang out and listen to us ramble on about this Jesus we love so much...that allow us to get into their business and live this sometimes messy life with them...are no longer walking in the darkness. The ones that have not yet surrendered their lives to Him, now have hope, that maybe, just maybe this Jesus is the real deal and religion isn't the only option if they choose to follow Him.

The morning after group I cried as I prayed for these precious girls. Tears of joy. I am so humbled that God would allow me to play the smallest role in their lives. While I feel an enormous responsibility for their spiritual well-being, I am humbled that He would allow me to feel this at all. Who am I that I should have such a precious opportunity to pour into the lives of these beautiful daughters of the King!

Psalm 45:11 The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.

Jesus is Attractive

2009-11-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

I met some new friends this weekend.

I have coffee with Crystal on Saturday mornings. This week her aunt and sister were visiting her for the weekend. Crystal had a plan...to offer her sweet family hope. Her plan included me. She wanted me to come over and casually share my testimony. Once I got there and we all got settled with a cup of coffee I followed Crystal's prompts. Before I knew it as I was sharing, I was enthralled all over again by the sweet, sweet love story of me and my Jesus. He is precious to me...so precious. Apparently they too were enthralled by our love story.

After I left they both opened up and shared how they needed what Crystal and I have. Not religion, but intimacy with the God who fills us with love, joy, peace and hope!

Crystal shared this story with the teenaged girls on Monday. She told them to take heart when they are fearful of sharing Christ with their friends.

Jesus is attractive when He is presented through a life of someone who is madly in love with Him. So please, choose to be madly in love with Him. The world DESPERATELY needs to see this. The needs of people are great. Religion will not do. The gospel is attractive because it works. Jesus changes everything. He doesn't need us to explain or defend Him. He just needs us to tell the world how much He loves them and desires to make all things new in their lives.

I am re-inspired to tell the world of His love one person at a time. Will you join me?

And Crystal, you spur me on sweet friend. Thank you for your contagious compassion! You are loving the Lord with all your heart, in action and in truth!

Treasure Time

2009-11-20T08:26:00.000-08:00

I am stranded at home. The boys are at grandma and grandpa's and my van won't start. Guess Jesus wanted me all to Himself :)

I sat at my kitchen table listening to the new Matt Redman CD and writing in my journal. (I even danced a little in my kitchen). I will share my after thoughts with you...

I am learning many things on my journey with the Lord. Lately I am learning to be still and content. I am learning to love deeply, the painful kind of love that comes along with compassion. The kind of love that is intermingled with sorrow and joy. The kind of love that Jesus must have felt when He was on the earth.

As I journey on I feel more and more like a stranger in this world. I feel less and less like I fit in, honestly even in christian circles at times. My heart breaks greater than ever because I am faced with the need of humanity. I have an increasingly burning desire to help many different people and yet time and ability keep me from this which leaves a dull ache in my heart. All of these things are forcing me to be still and wait on Him. To know that He is God. To know that when He alone is my Treasure I will be satisfied with a deep joy. To know that if I set my affections fully on Him, hiding myself in Him, delighting in Him alone I will being doing His will. To know that If I abide in Him He will produce the fruit I desire in my life. To know that if trust Him with ALL of my heart He will lead me to the people and places I am called to pour His love into.

This morning He has reminded me that I must come to Him when my well runs dry. He is the Living Water. I cannot offer my husband, my children, or anyone else something that I do not have. The only thing of eternal value I could ever offer anyone comes from His hand. I must daily seek Him out.

Some times a day here or there can turn into several days of not making Him my first and highest priority. The demands of my life and others' lives take precedence over my time alone with Him...even if only in my thoughts. In His grace and mercy He has carved out this morning for me. He has forced me to be still and know that He is God. Not only because He delights in the time He has me all to Himself but because He knows that He is the only One who will truly satisfy my soul.

He knows my desire is to pour into the lives of others. He has set aside this morning to give me the love that I so desperately want to give away to the people I am burdened for. This time alone with Him has been a precious treasure from Jesus. I do not deserve to be so lavishly loved by my sweet, sweet Lord!

Creator God

2009-11-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

This morning at breakfast the boys and I started talking about how the world began and how it continues on. I found out Micah does not think dinosaurs ever existed and Silas firmly does! (love those boys) As we discussed evolution, the big bang theory and creation we decided to look up information online. We read a bunch of articles and watched several videos. At the end we all agreed that we believe God spoke the world into existance and holds everything together still today.

I am amazed at the order and complexity of our universe. I am more amazed that God has given us the ability to discover parts of this mystery. After our research today I am more stunned than ever by His majesty and power and love. He has created earth for lil' ole us. He has put us in the PERFECT place in space so that our planet can sustain life. If one thing were slightly out of place then everything would fall apart. He is holding all things together.

The One who, in love, has created and sustains planet earth cares about every detail of my life...my boys' lives...the orphans' lives in Africa...the widows' lives in South America and the single moms' lives right here in America. He is sovereign over the events of the earth and the events of our lives. I don't understand even an inkling of it all but by faith and learning to trust Him more and more each day.

He is majestic, powerful and full of love, mercy and justice.

As Mr. Beaver says to Lucy in C S Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia (the book, not the movie) ”He’s not a tame lion!” Nor is He “safe.”

In that same passage from the book, Lucy asks Mr Beaver if Aslan, the Lion representing Christ, is “safe”. To which he responds, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Acts 17:28 'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'

Are you scared of a girl?

2009-11-17T15:29:00.001-08:00

I snuggled with my sweet boys in my warm and cozy bed yesterday morning. We were reading through The Story Book Bible. We were reading about Elijah.

Later yesterday afternoon I stole a few minutes to sneak back in my warm and cozy bed to pray for a few people who have been on my heart. My thoughts kept drifting to Elijah...

I was thinking how odd it was that he had just stood boldly in the presence of King Ahab and declared the Lord God was the one true God and denied the power of Baal. He was then used to prove God's power by calling fire from heaven to consume a sacrifice drenched in water at Mount Carmel. Then he prayed for rain after a severe drought and the Lord sent rain. Right after when Ahab's wife, Jezebel, a Baal worshipper, heard about these things She was furious. She sent a messenger to tell Elijah that she would kill him by the next day...and he took off running and hid.

Did he forget all the Lord had done in and through Him? Did he forget the way the Lord had provided for Him and protected Him? Did he forget how God had faithfully led him through trial after trial? Did he forget how the Lord had delivered him in times of trouble?

I can relate with Elijah. I also tend to be forgetful of all the Lord has done when faced with a new trial, struggle or temptation in my life.

I find comfort in knowing that this amazing man of God was motivated by fear at times just like me. I am thankful that God understands I too am dust.

Maybe Elijah needed to be reminded that apart from God's power he was scared and weak. Maybe I also need this reminder.

It wasn't Elijah's greatness that caused God to choose him to be a prophet. It was God who made Elijah great in spite of his weaknesses!

How I need to remain desperate before Him. How I need to choose to trust Him in each and every trial, struggle and temptation that WILL come into my life this side of heaven. I must choose to trust in His perfect love every minute of every day. It is His perfect love that will cast out the fear that many times motivates my disobedience.

Sweet Girls

2009-11-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

Monday nights are one of my favorite nights of the week. I have a handful or sweet teenaged girls that come hang out at my house. I love to hear about their week, pray, laugh, read and discuss the scriptures, eat, cry and did I say laugh with them :) I love these girls so much!

Tonight we continued our discussion on spiritual gifts. I see them growing and maturing.

I see them tossing aside religion for an active relationship with the living God. I see them seeking Him out through their pain and with their tough questions. I see them having compassion on those who are hurting. I see them seeking to have healthy relationships with their family. I see them taking delight in the Lord and understanding that He takes delight in them.

They have much working against them to have the freedom to be all that God created them to be. So many people and things are crying out for their focus and affections...so many little gods. On many different levels they are turning their hearts towards Him again and again against great opposition. I love these girls like daughters!

This life is He has given me is filled with such joy and purpose.

Well, this post is short and sweet because my boys just got home. Asher ran in and said, "Mommy is your bible group over." I could eat him up he is so stinkin' cute! AAWWW I have the best life!

Jesus Loves Me

2009-11-15T18:38:00.001-08:00

I have felt this conviction to start writing in my blog again...but I haven't felt motivated or inspired. I guess this post is me stepping out in faith and seeing what happens. So you might not be greatly moved by what I write :)

I had a late night party with Jesus 'till 4:30 this morning. I felt so full and content. I prayed and read and meditated and filled my mind with lots of amazing truths! I have been trying to convince myself it's OK if I can't sleep sometimes, well, a lot of times, because Jesus is better than sleep.

As the day has worn on I have worn down. I went from being on a spiritual high at church to crying on my closet floor by this evening to smiling and happy again. (This doesn't surprise some of you. I tend to be labeled as a bit emotional).

It amazes me how powerful our emotions can be. Today, I have scream-laughed because I was so excited to see Sally at church this morning. By lunch I let out a high-pitched squeal because Crystal told me that someone donated the $5,000 we needed to send sweet miss Deborah Lange to Africa. By the time I finished my tortilla soup I was frustrated because I had a stomach ache. Once we got home fatigue really set in and my wildly loud (sweet) boys had my frustration pushed to really bad irritation. Then my husband told me some discouraging news about a situation I was praying about during my middle-of-the-night Jesus party and I ended up crying in my closet with my bible and journal. Jesus wiped away my tears, my sweet husband took my crazy boys to the store so it would be quiet for a few minutes and now I am back to normal...well, kind of :)

I am so thankful that through the highs and lows of our emotions...through life...His love is constant. He doesn't change. He gives a peace and joy and strength that super cedes our circumstances, hormones and whatever else! I have no idea how He puts up with me and loves me so perfectly...but I am so glad He does! I am super in love with Him!!!

Don't ask me how the picture goes with the blog....I just thought it was fun :)

I need Africa more than Africa needs me!

2009-11-13T12:01:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much if you have given towards my upcoming trip to Sierra Leone! If you haven't would you please prayerfully consider making a donation, no matter how small.

I have been thinking of and praying for those sweet children in the Wellington Orphanage almost constantly! My heart longs to be with them. I know this is the Lord. He is so beautiful to me.

I want to share something with you... My husband came home from work yesterday crying. He walked through the door listening to worship on his iphone with tears streaming down his face. He walked back to our room and continued worshipping. A little later he shared with me what sparked his emotion. He started listening to a new Steven Curtis Chapman CD at work yesterday. The entire album was birthed out of the pain of Steven losing their 5 year old daughter, Maria. The Chapmans have 3 birth children and had 3 adopted girls from China before they lost Maria. Their 5 year old little girl was run over by an SUV on accident. This family has a deep love for God and a passion to help orphans in various ways.

Later that day my husband started listening to the new Matt Redman CD on his way home from work. The lyrics are very worshipful and helped draw him into the majesty of God. As we sat on the couch discussing these things he started crying again. The tears were not sad tears. He spoke to me of the beauty of God. How wonderful the Lord is that He took this sweet 5 year old little girl that nobody wanted at one time and used her in such a powerful way. She is the face of heaven to Steven Curtis Chapman, just as each of us is the face of heaven to God. This is the beauty of the Lord. He delights in using the weak. He delights in rescuing the lost and hurting. He finds great joy in bringing beauty from the ashes of our lives.

I recently heard someone say whom I love and respect, that as she tucks her children into bed at night that she is NOT OK with there being 132 million orphans in the world. Neither am I.

I can't do much. But by the grace of God I want to do everything I can. I can let God use me in the lives of 80 orphans on the coast of west Africa. I have many hopes and desires for these children. There are many things I can do from America to advocate on their behalf. But, it is my greatest joy to actually go and be with them. I love to spiritually encourage them and given them the love of a parent several weeks a year. Each time I leave them they beg me to return. What I think they will never understand, no matter how many times I tell them, is that I need them more than they need me!

I want to share a quote from Steven Curtis Chapman because this too is our heart: "After our first trip to China, my wife and I knew our lives were changing -- our eyes and hearts were opening to how big God really is, and we have wanted to experience more of that,"

"We've really wondered whether or not we should just go to China and stay there. But I don't think so. I believe God is saying, 'I want you to go, get your heart broken, your eyes opened, and then take this story back to the church in America and around the world."' .

I too desire this. I can not do this without your help. I humbly ask you to consider giving towards my trip. I will be traveling to Sierra Leone December 28th through January 9th. My promise to those who give is to do everything I can while I am there to strengthen and encourage these precious ones. I promise to work hard helping them with their education. I promise to love them deeply!

I still need $900 to be able to purchase my plane ticket. I am behind on my first deadline. If you would like to give all donations are tax deductible. You can make your checks payable to 4HIM ministries or OASIS ministries to receive tax credit. You can mail them to me at 1700 Godhania Rd. Edmond, OK 73003.

Thank you so much for loving, encouraging and supporting me. I love the body of Christ. I love you all!

In His Love,

Shanna Crawford

http://pushingbackdarkness.com/ (the Sierra Leone blog) http://shannacrawford.blogspot.com/ (my personal blog)

http://www.4-him.net/ (4HIM's website)

Walking through a Severe Trial

2009-05-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

In Acts chapter 15 Paul is travelling around preaching and encouraging churches in various regions. He tries to enter Bythnia but verse 7 says 'The Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to.' That night Paul had a vision of a man from Macadonia begging for Paul to come help them. Paul immediately obeys concluding that God had called them to preach the gospel to the people of Macedonia.

A few things happened as a result of his obedience. When looking for a place of prayer he came across a group of women. As Paul began sharing the gospel with them the Lord opened a woman named Lydia's heart to the message. Not only did she become a believer, but her entire family was baptized!

Another thing happened. He was led, by the Spirit of Jesus I might remind you, into a severe trial. Paul cast a demon out of a slave girl that was making a lot of money for her owners. When they brought Paul and Silas before the magistrates, they ordered them to be stripped and beaten. They were SEVERELY flogged and thrown into prison. The jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. In the middle of the night Paul and Silas began praying and singing hymns to God...and the other prisoners were listening to them. Oh how I love this! Suddenly there was a violent earthquake and at once all the prisoners' doors flew open and their chains came loose. When the jailer woke up and discovered this he asked what he must do to be saved. He took them to his family's house. His entire family was baptized. The jailer was filled with joy because he and his entire family had come to believe in God. It is implied that all of the prisoners became believers also.

The next day the magistrates ordered for Paul and Silas to be released.

Reading this made me reflect on my own life. I began thinking of severe trials that I was led into by 'the Spirit of Jesus' and what affect they had on my life and the lives of others.

For several years I have desired to have many children. A few years ago I had my third miscarriage. Although I barely escaped death, I was left unable to conceive another baby. I remember waking up after surgery and feeling a deep sadness, but an even deeper peace. I did not know why God had allowed this to happen, but I knew He had. I did not understand why I still had a strong desire to have many children, but I knew God had placed it there. Over the next few days I was emotionally distraught. Even though I felt sad I began praising Him for who He was, for all He had done in my life, and even praising Him for allowing me to walk through the trial with Him. He gave me the grace to know He was sovereign and trustworthy no matter what my circumstances were. I knew that He was all I needed, He was more than enough. In praising Him I found strength to surrender my own plans.

Now here I am several years later. He has given me more children over the last few years than I could have possibly given birth to in that time. He has given me a sweet teenage god daughter who lives with us. He connected our family with hers, making us one family in Christ. He took me to Sierra Leone, Africa and gave me many children who do not have moms. He has grafted them into our family despite the distance and time in between us. He has given me another teenage god daughter through a bible study I lead and allowed me to partner with her parents to love her. He has enlarged my heart to expand beyond what I knew was possible. In giving up my natural ability to have children, He has supernaturally exceeded my expectations and fulfilled my desires in the most wonderful way. He has shown me that nothing is impossible with Him.

He led me through a sever trial. But in the process He produced in me things that could be accomplished no other way. He used my trial to open my heart to His plans and desires which brought blessing not only to me but to others. I will walk through any trial He leads me to, because I know that He is trustworthy and His ways are perfect.

This year was my best mother's day. I got flowers and a card from Wendy, a card and gift from Wendy's mom, cards and gifts from the sons I gave birth to, a phone conversation with one of my African sons, a card and gift from Hope, a card from Hope's parents, roses and $100 to give to any need I want from my husband (that man knows me too well).

He is more than enough. He has exceeded my expectations. He can lead me through any trial He sees fit. I trust Him. He is all I need.

My Love

2009-05-09T04:53:00.000-07:00

I REALLY am married to the most amazing man on the planet. I am convinced that he is one of the very few who actually 'get me' and loves me anyway. I am a godly woman today because He has allowed the Lord to love me through him. I was not always easy to love, and I am still not at times!

He has always supported me in my various ministry addictions. He has been the one to keep me focused and balanced, yet cheering me on all the way. If it weren't for his encouragement I would have never got on that first plane to Sierra Leone. Because he loves me so much he keeps encouraging me to return to our African family. I wish I had words to describe how wonderful this man of mine is.

I wll let you read his words so you can see his heart. He gave me a card the last time I returned from Sierra Leone. Here is what it said:

Wife,

You being away is something "I will never get used to." I feel such a deep appreciation for you right now. To think that God has given me a one in a million woman like you helps me know that He loves me. No one that I know has the inner and outer beauty that you have. But I want you to know that I appreciate all of the things you do. It is so beautiful to see how you love our boys and Wendy. How you take care of us. You are truly a servant of HIM. And it makes me so proud of you that you are loving our children in Africa the way you do. I know God is moving through you to love the orphans. You are loving HIM in the deepest way. I do not deserve to be with someone so giving. But now that I have been blessed with your company I can never get used to being away from you.

Love,
Jerome

Serving God's Purpose In Our Own Generation

2009-05-07T12:10:00.000-07:00

I am reading through the book of Acts right now. Last night I was reading chapter 13. Several things stuck out to me.

Paul was in the synagogue at Antioch and the leaders told him to stand up if he had a word of encouragement for the people. Paul then stands and tells the people how God led the children of Israel out of Egypt. The Israelites were tired of having Judges and asked for a king and he gave them Saul. After removing Saul he made David their king.

This is what God said about David in verse 32. I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.

Paul then goes on to tell them about John preparing the way for Jesus by preaching repentance and baptism. He then tells the story of Jesus death and resurrection so that Salvation could be offered to ALL.

Something else stuck out to me concerning David in verse 36. It says For when David had served God's purpose in his own generation he fell asleep.

Paul then goes on to tell the people about the grace of Salvation...about being justified by faith apart from the law. The people wanted to hear more and invited him and Barnabas to come back the next sabbath to explain further. When so many responded the following sabbath the jews became angry. Paul and Barnabas told the people that God had called them to be a light to the Gentiles to bring salvation to the ends of the earth. Many of the gentiles responded by believing.

Even though the word of the Lord spread throughout that region, the jews stirred up 'GOD-FEARING' women and men against them to expel them from that city. The super cool thing is that they just shook the dust from their feet in protest against them and went on to the next city. Then the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit. The joy of the Lord was their strength!

My point in all of this is that in this one tiny part of God's story in history, several different people were called to a certain purpose. David was called to be a king, John was called to preach repentance and baptism, Paul was called to be preach salvation, the gentiles were called to spread the word of God. Because of what we know about these men's lives from reading other parts of the scriptures, we know they all faced great opposition at certain times, yet they were still faithful to their call by the grace of God. And then things were said of them like what was said about David, For when David had served God's purpose in his own generation he fell asleep. How cool! David screwed up a bunch, yet he loved God so much and had the joy of knowing at the end of his life that he had served God's purpose in his own generation.

I want this to be said at the end of my life too, and the lives of every Christ follower throughout the earth.

There are some things as Christians, we are ALL called to do. We are called to spread the gospel, give to those in need, encourage one another, help the oppressed, take care of orphans and widows, share the love of Christ with a hurting world in various ways and at ALL times!

I pray that, like David, we are all men and women after God's own heart to the point that we are doing everything the Lord wants us to do. I pray at the end of our lives that God will say of us that we served His purposes in our own generation.

Dear Lord,

2009-05-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

I keep a journal that is mainly letters written to God, with scriptures scribbled throughout. I thought I would share what I wrote this morning during my Treasure Time.

Lord,

How fitting to start a new journal on this day. You are reminding me that your mercies are new every morning and your compassions never fail. Lord, yesterday morning I asked you to take me deeper still...to strip me from anything that was keeping me from loving more deeply. I asked for the ability to love stronger, deeper than ever before. By the afternoon you had begun answering that prayer.

Lord, my human love is simply not enough. In fact, it gets in the way. Lord, you do not wish to strip me of relationships, but to strip me of my own human love that I'm investing in them. Only your super-natural, unfailing love will do. This requires all of my attention, devotion and affection to be focused on you and you alone. When I abandon myself to you in this way, it is then that you love people deeply though me.

How easy I allow my heart and emotions to deceive me into thinking I can make any sort of eternal difference with my own, weak, human love. Lord, you are full of grace and mercy. You understand that I am dust. You understand that I am weak. Yet, you do not stand by waiting to condemn me when I fail. Instead you patiently wait for me to look to you and ask you to perfect your strength through my weakness. You delight in every simple effort to please you. You somehow take my child-like stumblings and with the loving kindness of a perfect parent, pick me up and set me on the right path. It is your kindness that led me to repentance all those years ago and still does even now.

Lord, you can have all of me. This is what you desire most...my whole life, all of my attention, affection and devotion. It is then that you love others through me most effectively. Lord, I am more in awe of your grace, more in love with you, more abandoned to you today than I was yesterday. Even this is only by your grace. You alone are my heart's desire.

I love you!
Your daughter

EVE's April outreach update

2009-05-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

I was a topless dancer in Oklahoma City from ages 18 to 20. I danced in Dallas from ages 20 to 22. This is the lifestyle God rescued me from. I am thrilled to be serving with a ministry that is reaching out to the topless dancers of Oklahoma City. With the power of His love we are pushing back darkness and pursuing these precious women with His kindness. Please read the highlights from our April outreach written by my good friend Delissa.

April's outreach blew our minds!

We walked into the first club and within seconds the name of Jesus belted through the speakers. This set the tone for the entire rest of the evening. His name high and lifted up!

At the very next club, we had our first opportunity to sit down and gladly lend an ear to a girl that was in an abusive situation at home. It wasn't by way of our prodding, though. We simply stood there in amazement as the bar staff and patrons alike welcomed us into the "intervention." A gentleman at the bar cheered us on and said, "what you guys are doing is really needed." The bartender went as far as to say, "Jill, you have had such a hard day and you've been saying how badly you need someone to talk to! This is not a coincidence that these women came in tonight!" Secretly I thought to myself, don't answer that! After the initial shock of the fact that we were about to have a sit-down right there in the middle of a club, I hopped on to the Spirit's shoulders and went with it. After listening to her, we were able to share with her that God has never and will never let us down!

Then at another stop, we were able to be the shoulders to cry on. We passed a sweet girl from shoulder to shoulder as tears poured down her cheeks. She started by saying "I love Jesus, we just fall short sometimes, ya know?" We said we knew EXACTLY what she meant. She followed with, "I have been wanting to go to church, but I don't have anyone to go with me." We told her we would go with her to any church she chose! She just cried and cried. You could tell it even surprised her how God was moving in her to soften her heart. I'm pretty sure meeting up with openly, Spirit-filled humans wasn't on her radar that Friday night. She needed a good safe place to experience herself as the sweet creation she is and we got to be there and be a part of it!

God is so amazing!! No, REALLY AMAZING!!

Thank you all who supplied lotion, financial support and conversations with God on their behalf...I hope this gives you a glimpse into the work you are a part of.

May's gift is a personal size bottle of bubble bath! We are wanting to add 2 more clubs this month, so we are needing 150 bottles. Go body of Christ, go! Eternal beings UNITE!
Love is a lifestyle...

luvluv
d

He is the Answer

2009-04-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

It has been over 12 years since I first started chasing after Him. I would have never dreamed that it was going to be like this. I have been through different phases of 'ministry.' I have been through different phases of 'healing.' While everything around me seems ever-changing, He has been the one constant in my life. I have found He has always been and always will be the Answer. I have also found my 'healing' comes through 'ministry.'

In laying my issues on the alter, putting my focus on loving Him by loving others, my healing comes. In going where He leads me, no matter the sacrifice, joy comes. In my weakness, crying out to Him, strength comes. In confusion, choosing to trust Him, peace comes. In surrendering my dreams to take on His desires I am given more than I could possibly hope for. As I live out the crucified life I am finding purpose beyond measure. In losing my life for His sake I am finding it, every day.

Some days I feel so close to Him that I could fly away...so full of love for Him and others that my heart could burst. Some days I feel as though I am drowning in my weakness. One day I feel as though I am living and moving in step with His Spirit. The next day I feel as though my emotions are leading me to places far from Him.

As I allow Him to sift my emotions through His Truth day after day this is what I find. My life is not about me. It is not about my comfort and happiness or any other good feeling I may try to conjure up with the help of a little god. When I buy into this lie I am trapped. When I believe the Truth I am set free. The Truth is that I was created in the image of Christ. My life has always been intended to look like His. This includes humility, sacrifice, servant hood, love. True love, the kind that chooses to do what is right...the kind that seeks another's highest good over my own...the kind of love that does not ignore poverty or oppression but seeks justice...the kind of love that proves itself through action!

It is my prayer that my life would look more like this every day. It is my desire that I would decrease so that He can increase. May every person who is chasing after Christ with me live the crucified life, walk in the truth and share His love with a hurting world. His love is the Solution. He always was and always will be The Answer!

Matthew 16:24-26
24Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whoever wants to save his life[h] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. 26What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

We love you as Christ does...

2009-04-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hi Mom Shanna,
To my sweet Mom Shanna, the one who I have in my dream always with the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you for your time you spend with us, it helps us to learn more about God and we love it. Mom Shanna I want you to know that you are such a precious woman who has been a blessing to us. We want you to know we love you as Christ does. I want you to know that you are beautiful, precious and blessed in heaven. You show love to us as a parent and we will never forget it in our life time in this earth and also in heaven. I hope one day we will see you again together as one in heaven. I want you to know that God is sending you into this world to do His work and to save His people. Mom Shanna thank you so much for your gifts you send us, like the bibles, the dressing, the word you share with us and the rest of the things that I can't be able to remember. I want you to know that I love you mom Shanna. I like you so much mom. You are the one who I have in my dream. I love you mom.
From your daughter Mary 1 Rugiatu Kamara

Mary is so precious to me. My second visit we let the kids decorate T-shirts with puffy paint. Most of them wrote their favorite verses and then wore them proudly. Mary came to me and told me we had run out of T-shirts before she got one. I gave her one of my tank tops to decorate. Later that evening she brought it to me and gave it back as a gift. I held it out expecting to read her favorite bible verse. Instead, she had wrote in big letters 'I LOVE YOU MOM.' This was such a picture of God's love for me personally. I was willing to go to Africa to give and serve, yet one of the main reasons He sent me was to pour His love into my life through these precious ones. Mary was loving me as Christ does...a love that I do not deserve!

The greatest of these is love.

2009-04-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

Hello Mum Shanna,

It is a great pleasure to write you this letter. This is one of my best trips you have ever visited us. I really enjoy this trip, you are such a good and sweet mum to me. I hope July trip will be like this one by hugging each other, going to the market, playing football match. The smile you gave me always makes me to feel good and happy. You will always be in my heart and also in my prayers. Your encouragement towards me makes me to turn my sorrow to joy. Just like what the bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:13 "Now faith, hope and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love." And your love towards me is so great. Please extend my greetings to my Dad Jerome and my three brothers at home.

Much Love,
Abu Bakarr (Big)

Oh how I love this boy! He is ALWAYS smiling. I am not exaggerating. He has the brightest, most beautiful smile of anyone I have ever known. He is the captain of the White Lions football team and takes great pride in this role. He often dances even when no one is around and there is no music playing. He is free-spirited. He lives to serve and serves with a happy heart. He is one of the first children in the home to attend a university. He is confident in the Lord's plans for Him. He believes God will use him to change his nation, so do I! He has become a son to me.

The love that the Lord gives you is the love that you give us.

2009-04-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

Mom Shanna,

It is a wonderful time to write you this letter. I am so excited to know you through you coming into this home to have more time with us. May God bless you and keep you and your family safe. I want to say thank you for your wonderful work to us. You make us to know more about God. The love that the Lord gives you is the love that you give us. I love you so much. Thank you for everything that you have done for us. Thank you for giving us everything but the most thing that I want to thank you for is the word of God that you give us.

I love you,

Victoria

My most recent trip was the first time I spent time with Victoria. I fell in love with her. I found out from one of the boys that after my first visit in June, she wanted to take my name as her own. I am so glad the Lord connected our hearts on this latest trip. She is always laughing and smiling. When I think of her, even now, I think of the joy of the Lord. She is one of the 4 children who oversee the library. She is a hard worker. She is on the girls' White Lions soccer team. She is absolutely beautiful! I am constantly thinking of her and my heart longs to be with her again. She has become my daughter.

I love you the way fish loves water.

2009-04-09T15:35:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Mum Shanna,

It is nice to see you again and I am so happy that you came back. Mum, you are so special to me and I love you so much. Thank you for the bible study. I really enjoy it. It blesses my heart and it makes me to have more time with God. Mum, you are always in my heart and I want you to know that I love you like the way fish loves water. Also, you show me what it means to have a mum like you because you are so lovely and caring. You will always be in my prayers. May God almighty bless you and keep you safe and bless your going out and coming in. Thank you so much. I miss you mum.

Love,

Rachel Fatu Dumbuya

Rachel is always smiling. When I am in the home she is content to just be near me. She has an incredible desire to learn more about the bible. During my last two visits she would come to many times in the still part of the evening when I was going to bed and ask me to do a bible study with her. She radiates the beauty and love of Christ. She is my daughter.

Letters from Sierra Leone, Africa

2009-04-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

I have decided that the best way to explain why I keep returning to the orphans in Sierra Leone, Africa is to give you a peek into their hearts. May you understand my love for them by reading their recent letters to me.

When the Lord closed my womb, I had no idea He still intended to give me the many children I desired. He has done this in a delightfully, unexpected way. His ways are higher than mine. His ways are perfect.

He has given me many children who long to have parents. He has connected our hearts beyond space and time. He has kept us close through prayer, letters and visits. He has knit our hearts together by the power of His Love. This Love is strong enough to heal a human heart and an entire nation.

The kids will tell you I give them something they long for, the love of a mom. I will tell you that they give more to me than I can ever give to them. In losing my life for His sake, I have found it.

May you see, like I have, why God has called us to love the orphans, widows, poor and needy. It is as much for our benefit as it is the people He is calling us to love. May you see why I keep returning to this tiny, poor and undeveloped nation. The children of the Wellington Orphanage have captured my heart and I will never be the same. As you read their letters in the following posts I pray you would be as captured by the beauty of these precious ones as I am.

'Mother of Many Nations'

2009-04-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,
Thank you so much for spending time with my brothers and sisters in the home. I also want to thank you for all the provision and shopping. If I fail to thank you it does not mean I am not grateful. I just want to express my love and appreciation to you and everybody in the family. I will continue to pray so that you will continue to come to our nation, Sierra Leone. God has blessed us with a lovely mother like you. I tell you this I will never forget you in my heart and memories, including my prayers. God has blessed me through you in many ways. He answered my prayer through you. You are the sweetest mother that I ever meet with. Thank you for caring for me and always remember me in your thoughts. God will bless you always. You are like Sarah, the wife of Abraham because God has blessed your nation and He has given you so many children both in the USA and in Africa. You are mother of many nations. God loves you and He is always there for you. I want you to say hello to everybody.
I love you,
Gabriel

This letter is from one of the boys in the home, Gabriel. He just turned 19. He loves to play soccer (football). He is on the White Lions football team. He also coaches the football team for the younger boys in the home. He feels a great sense of responsibility towards all of the younger children in the home. He wants to be a doctor one day. He is dedicated to his studies. He is a servant. I have seen him many times put others above himself and help others who are weaker than he. He is very funny and playful. Younger children are drawn to him. He is active and takes risks when others won't. He is sensitive, yet strong. He likes to write poetry. He plays the guitar and has an amazing voice. He loves to worship God through music. He believes that the Lord is preparing him to be a Nehemiah of his nation, so do I. He has a heart for the lost. He acknowledges the Lord's hand in all of his accomplishments big or small. He loves the Lord deeply from a place of brokenness, humility and worship. He is my son.

My Earthly Treasure

2009-02-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

I wrote this for my sweet man in honor of February 13th...the day we met! He is more than I deserve!

My Earthly Treasure

There is a man the Lord gave to me,
he saw my wounds, my shame and defeat.
He made a vow in his heart to God,
to lay down his life and help carry my cross.
My sins had been many, my forgiveness was great,
he knew by the power of Love I would break,
only to be put back together a new,
by the pure love of God through this man who was True.
No matter how hard I pushed him away,
his love grew stronger day after day.
He never gave up after nights of tears,
or storms of emotions of anger and fear.
He sat at my feet confessing Christ’s love,
whispering where I was going despite where I was.
The years have passed by and healing has come.
peace settled in as I’ve been undone.
When I look at this man, my lover, my friend,
I know by my side he’ll be till the end.
He worships the Lord in undignified ways,
pointing our children to the One worthy of praise.
He acts justly, loves mercy and walks humbly with God,
putting us first no matter the cost.
He’s a mighty warrior defending the weak,
with his entire life, the Lord he seeks.
With integrity of heart and skillful hands,
he leads those around him like a noble man.
I could search the world over and I’d never find,
A more valuable treasure than this man of mine.

Going Back To Sierra Leone in March!

2009-01-01T17:34:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends!

I have an incredible opportunity to return to Sierra Leone in March. I know some of you probably think by now I have a slight addiction :) I have never felt a calling so strong in all my life as I have towards these kids!

When I left in November I immediately began praying about the Lord providing an opportunity for me to return before the summer for a trip that focused on the kids. The traditional mission trips to Sierra Leone include a great deal of medical clinics with the central purpose of evangelizing the villages we are providing medical care in. I have loved these trips!

I spent a large portion of my time in November at the orphanage with the kids. I saw, more than my first trip, the deep emotional needs of the children. Pouring into their lives is like pouring water into a sponge. They believe they are the Nehemiah's of their nation...so do I. If this is true then they need to be poured into, encouraged and built up in the Lord.

I naturally bonded more with the boys my first trip. Not only because I have 3 boys but because they are more outgoing than the girls. The girls in the home are shy and introverted in general. This is an expected response to the tragedy of losing their families in a brutal war.

When I left in June after my first trip I immediately began praying for a way to connect with the girls on my next trip. The Lord answered this prayer. Because I stayed in the girls' sleeping area in November I made so many connections with them. I had also been writing several of them and relationships had begun this way. I had intentions of doing bible studies with the girls and having structured as well as fun times like late night pajama parties with them. I feel much of this was left undone.

The medical clinics left me emotionally drained. I know I was called to be a part of them, but they left me emotionally spent, in a good way. The med clinics were a tool the Lord used to bring a great deal of necessary brokenness in me.

In the weeks of prayer since my November trip I have cried out to the Lord asking for Him to make a way for me to return so that I could really engage with the kids, in particular, the girls, in times of structured bible study, share time and prayer. I knew for this to be accomplished it would take a trip where the kids' were my only focus.

A few weeks ago I found out about a trip being led by two men who live in Texas. Other than the two men the rest of the team is all women. The focus is to serve, disciple and love on the girls in the Wellington Orphanage....all 43 of them! We will be in the country for 7 days. Out of those 7 days we will only leave the home 3 times. Once to take all of the kids to the beach, once to go to the market and another time to make a trip to a village called Rokbob to minister to the women there. The rest of the time we will have at least 3 hours of every day set aside to do bible studies and have prayer and share times with the girls. We will also be doing fun things with them like slumber parties, craft times, etc. Each missionary will be assigned 3 or 4 girls and will focus on pouring into those girls over the week.

When God led me take on a teenaged girls' bible study 3 years ago I never dreamed I would have an opportunity to serve teenaged girls who were orphans because of a terrible war who lived in the second poorest nation in the world!!! I know that I do not deserve such a blessing. I need these girls more than they need me!

We have had two teenaged girls live in our home over the last 3 years. We currently have our sweet 17 year old god daughter, Wendy, living in our home. I feel like this is confirmation that this trip is the Lord's plan, yet I do not feel it has adequately prepared me. I will have to rely 100 percent on the Lord to use me in the lives of these girls. I am unqualified and must trust Him to flow through me!

I have just found out that in order to save $300 on the cost of our plane tickets we must have them purchased by January 15th. The cost of the airfare will be $1300! I must be honest, while I know nothing is too hard for the Lord, I am insecure about raising this kind of money in such a short time. I am going to do all I can do at this point and pray!

If you are unable to give financially will you please join me in prayer that the Lord will provide the money for me and the other ladies on the team. I will be traveling with another sweet teenaged girl from Oklahoma, Deborah Lange. Please lift us in prayer in the upcoming months as we seek the Lord to prepare us in every way!

If you feel led to give joyfully, not under compulsion, to my trip you can mail checks to our address at 1700 Godhania Rd. Edmond, Ok 73003. Please make all checks payable to 4HIM to assure you receive a tax deduction.

You can click on this link to view pictures from my recent trip: http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=50904349&albumId=2871111 You can go to my blog to read about some of my experiences from my recent trip: http://shannacrawford.blogspot.com/

Below is an email from one of the leaders of the trip explaining the urgency of having the $1300 in by January 15th.

I love you all more than you know! I count it a great honor to partner with you in various forms of ministry. You are a joy to me!

In His Love,
Shanna Crawford

Everyone,

I have some great news and not so great news to share with you.

The great news is that, just last night, I found a special rate for round trip airfare to Sierra Leone through London that only cost $1,375. This is the best price that I have ever seen...EVER. Most average in the $1,800's. With that said, the total cost of our trip just went down to $2,700 instead of $3,000. Yep, that's a free 300 bucks if you're doing the math.

Here's the bad news. That rate is only good through January 15th, then its going to shoot back up. I really want us to try to get that money in if at all possible. This is a great opportunity to save $300 overall.

I know this might be a stretch for some of you to get that much in so soon. If it is, let me know and we'll try to work something out. We can talk about it this Tuesday at the meeting.

Make sure all checks are made out to 4 H.I.M.
and send to my address:

Chris Shabay
2107 Alma Dr.
Keller, TX 76248

Thanks everyone. Contact me with any questions or concerns.