“Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 2 Cor 10:17
Someone whom I deeply respect as 'Great in the Lord' confronted me yesterday about my wife’s involvement in Sierra Leone. The arguments put forth were:
1. There is an abundance of ministry that is needed right here in OKC, so there is no need to rush off to Africa 3 times a year to do ministry. There are people over there that can do ministry in their area.
2. My calling is not to be a missionary in Africa. I am the spiritual leader of the household so Shanna’s job is to fall in line with my ministry. Her place is at home with the children and so she should not run off to Africa and leave the children.
3. He said that biblically a missionary was someone who lived in a different place, not someone who traveled to a different place several times a year.
Here were my answers:
1. Shanna already does more ministries than a dozen men here in OKC. And the Lord said, “Go out and preach and teach to all the world.”
2. She is in line with my ministry. My ministry is to CHASE HIM with all of my heart and to display HIS GLORY. I must decrease, He must INCREASE. I have encouraged and pushed her to go since I first heard the call to minister to these children. She is my greatest gift to them.
My children need more adversity, not more stability and predictability. I have been involved with many great parents that have poured there very souls into their children only to have them rebel. Either my children will Love HIM or they will not. And the best way to show them is to show them that HE is our Life. They need to see that they are not the center of our universe. However, Shanna does not use this as an excuse, she gives them plenty of love and affection.
3. In the bible you actually see more traveling missionaries than you see permanent missionaries.
You see this was not the first time I had been approached about this subject and I appreciate the rebuke. I say, "Confront me more and more about many subjects." If I am in the Lords will I will come out stronger. SHARPEN ME! I will call to HIM and say, “Am I wrong LORD?!” If I am in HIS will I will hear the voice of the ONE I LOVE calling my name! He will say to me, “Come higher my beloved!" I will see HIS beauty. This morning I have seen HIS BEAUTY! And HIS beauty was revealed in MY WIFE THAT HE HAS GIVEN TO ME!
BEHOLD THE BEAUTY OF THE LORD!
One day she was empty, sinful and without hope or direction! At the same time her outward beauty was exposed and exploited, crowds of evil men rejoiced in her aimless empty life. THE CROSS changed all that! OH LORD HOW POWERFUL ARE YOU! You take those who are empty, sinful, without hope and give them real BEAUTY! You break them and then give them NEW LIFE! OH HOW I LOVE YOU!!! AND OH HOW I LOVE HER!
Now she starts her day exposing herself to One and One only. But He will expose Himself through her for all the nations to see. And my children will see Him through her and they will make their decision. And let me tell you we have many children that do not look like us or live with us. Who are our children? They are those who hear and obey the WORD of the Lord! We will give them our best for the LORD has given them to us.
A couple of days ago Solomon, (one of our African sons who lives in Sierra Leone) was told by his classmates, “Your mother (Shanna) could not love you the way you say, it is impossible, you are making it up.” They are right because his mother can not but the Lord can through HER! Behold the BEAUTY of the LORD as he takes the a weak, empty stripper and has her love an orphan, who was not her own, who lives on the other side of the world, with a LOVE that others do not even believe in...a Love they say is “impossible." What is impossible with Man is simple to HIM!
Doesn't the Lord do the same for us? He came across heaven and earth to give us a Love that the world calls “impossible." He took us while we were wicked, sinful and empty and became a Mother to us. HIS word can no sooner forget us that a mother can forget the baby feeding from her breast! WOW! May we love with that same Love! That is why I say...
I am running! Running after YOU!
You have become my souls DELIGHT!
I am running! Running after YOU!
Here with YOU I FIND MY LIFE!
Your beauty has become my joy in song!
Thank You Lord for giving me a glimpse of YOU through my wife. May we die everyday for You.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Mustard Seed Among Friends
This was written by my sweet husband:
What a difference 18 years makes! I remember sitting alone wondering, "God, how can I make a difference?" "Will I fall away?" "Won't I destroy this just like everything else I touch?" "Why do I seem to fail every time I try to make a difference?" "Am I fooling myself?" "Am I really in a relationship?" You see, I had just experienced complete failure. The Sunday school teacher had ask me to give the lesson. My first time to talk in front of a crowd with no alcohol in my system. I shared Galatians 5 and told the group that we were not "serving each other out of love." I told them we needed to bond together and reach out be His Hands and Feet together. I did not present this in a rude way but some in the class called me out. "Who do you think you are coming in here barely saved telling us how to live our lives?" ....GOD PLEASE NEVER LET ME BE CONTENT! NEVER LET ME BE SELF RIGHTEOUS!
What could I do? I had two choices:
1. Go back to my house where people were smoking dope and drinking and join in.
2. Go home and walk right past them to my room and fall to my face and call on the Great Name! I was so empty! All I had to do was take a few steps into my living room and false peace could comfort me! Lie to me! NO!
I WAS TIRED OF THE LIE! I WILL GO TO THE CROSS! READ HIS WORD! CALL TO HIS MIGHTY NAME! SEARCH ME GOD! CHANGE MY HART! I WANT YOUR PRESENCE! SURROUND ME! I CANNOT SURVIVE ON A DEVOTIONAL! TAKE ME TO YOUR CROSS! A mustard seed was planted!
I guess some things don't change because today those same few steps can now make me one of the self righteous Christians who are satisfied living the selfish empty church life. They breathe in their man made righteousness just as my friends in the living room sucked in dope. They drink in up their church attendance like it was a bottle of Jack Daniels. IT IS EMPTY! GET ALONE WITH HIM! CALL TO HIS MIGHTY NAME! LET HIM DRIVE YOU TO ACTION! GOD OPEN OUR EYES TO THE WORK OF YOUR HAND! LET US SEE YOUR MIGHTY NAME! MAY THE VERY WHISPER OF JESUS BRING FIRE TO OUR VEINS! MAY IT DRIVE US TO YOUR WORK!
Fast forward to the present day.
Friday, Hillsong United was in concert! I arrived a few hours early. There was already a stream of people flowing into the Loyd Noble. I started seeing those God had used me to minister to 1... 5... 10... Some I spent devoted periods of my life with and others I prayed for salvation with, still others I helped for a short, hard period of their life. GOD OPEN MY EYES TO THE WORK OF YOUR HANDS! Soon the stadium was filled with HIS handy work! All over the stadium they called to HIS GLORIOUS NAME!
I looked down to the floor and there was Brandon Morris! Years ago he walked into Oasis high on Cocaine but the cocaine could not save Him from God's Mighty Hand! Now here he is Raising His Hands calling out to MY GOD! HOW SWEET IS THE NAME OF JESUS! OUR GREAT GOD TAKES OUR MUSTARD SEEDS AND GROWS THEM INTO MIGHTY OAKS! Thank you GOD for using me to make a difference! My life is filled with PURPOSE! Everywhere I go I see those He has worked through me to change.
But there is a middle part to this story. You see my Life changed when I met those of you who have worked with me through the years. Many of you have stepped in when I was weak! Many of you have given when I did not have the money to do His work. Many of you have spoken when I did not have the words. Many of you have encouraged me when I did not have the strength to move on. Many of you with the words of your mouth have driven me to new heights. You see I needed that Sunday school class and I knew it. Now God has surrounded me with those who empower me. I pray that He would open your eyes to THE WORK OF HIS HANDS! Seek Him with everything you have! And one day your mustard seed will grow into a mighty oak!
What a difference 18 years makes! I remember sitting alone wondering, "God, how can I make a difference?" "Will I fall away?" "Won't I destroy this just like everything else I touch?" "Why do I seem to fail every time I try to make a difference?" "Am I fooling myself?" "Am I really in a relationship?" You see, I had just experienced complete failure. The Sunday school teacher had ask me to give the lesson. My first time to talk in front of a crowd with no alcohol in my system. I shared Galatians 5 and told the group that we were not "serving each other out of love." I told them we needed to bond together and reach out be His Hands and Feet together. I did not present this in a rude way but some in the class called me out. "Who do you think you are coming in here barely saved telling us how to live our lives?" ....GOD PLEASE NEVER LET ME BE CONTENT! NEVER LET ME BE SELF RIGHTEOUS!
What could I do? I had two choices:
1. Go back to my house where people were smoking dope and drinking and join in.
2. Go home and walk right past them to my room and fall to my face and call on the Great Name! I was so empty! All I had to do was take a few steps into my living room and false peace could comfort me! Lie to me! NO!
I WAS TIRED OF THE LIE! I WILL GO TO THE CROSS! READ HIS WORD! CALL TO HIS MIGHTY NAME! SEARCH ME GOD! CHANGE MY HART! I WANT YOUR PRESENCE! SURROUND ME! I CANNOT SURVIVE ON A DEVOTIONAL! TAKE ME TO YOUR CROSS! A mustard seed was planted!
I guess some things don't change because today those same few steps can now make me one of the self righteous Christians who are satisfied living the selfish empty church life. They breathe in their man made righteousness just as my friends in the living room sucked in dope. They drink in up their church attendance like it was a bottle of Jack Daniels. IT IS EMPTY! GET ALONE WITH HIM! CALL TO HIS MIGHTY NAME! LET HIM DRIVE YOU TO ACTION! GOD OPEN OUR EYES TO THE WORK OF YOUR HAND! LET US SEE YOUR MIGHTY NAME! MAY THE VERY WHISPER OF JESUS BRING FIRE TO OUR VEINS! MAY IT DRIVE US TO YOUR WORK!
Fast forward to the present day.
Friday, Hillsong United was in concert! I arrived a few hours early. There was already a stream of people flowing into the Loyd Noble. I started seeing those God had used me to minister to 1... 5... 10... Some I spent devoted periods of my life with and others I prayed for salvation with, still others I helped for a short, hard period of their life. GOD OPEN MY EYES TO THE WORK OF YOUR HANDS! Soon the stadium was filled with HIS handy work! All over the stadium they called to HIS GLORIOUS NAME!
I looked down to the floor and there was Brandon Morris! Years ago he walked into Oasis high on Cocaine but the cocaine could not save Him from God's Mighty Hand! Now here he is Raising His Hands calling out to MY GOD! HOW SWEET IS THE NAME OF JESUS! OUR GREAT GOD TAKES OUR MUSTARD SEEDS AND GROWS THEM INTO MIGHTY OAKS! Thank you GOD for using me to make a difference! My life is filled with PURPOSE! Everywhere I go I see those He has worked through me to change.
But there is a middle part to this story. You see my Life changed when I met those of you who have worked with me through the years. Many of you have stepped in when I was weak! Many of you have given when I did not have the money to do His work. Many of you have spoken when I did not have the words. Many of you have encouraged me when I did not have the strength to move on. Many of you with the words of your mouth have driven me to new heights. You see I needed that Sunday school class and I knew it. Now God has surrounded me with those who empower me. I pray that He would open your eyes to THE WORK OF HIS HANDS! Seek Him with everything you have! And one day your mustard seed will grow into a mighty oak!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Spending Time with Him
This morning I didn't have the boys, thanks to Aunt Nina :) I decided to use all my treasure time to just worship Him. It took about 30 minutes or so of listening to music with worshipful lyrics to just focus my mind fully on Him. There was a struggle to keep my mind from wandering. I was determined. I am so glad He gave me the grace and strength to push through. We have to relentlessly pursue Him, not giving up. He is our prize.
I am coming away with this: There is NOTHING that can take the place of drawing near to Him, spending time alone with Him in His Presence. every day.
I have been fighting to keep Him as my focus. There are many things that I feel strongly about concerning His kingdom work. My flesh wants to run full speed into these things, not stopping to daily seek Him for Him. He could fix all the things in the world that I am passionate about...without me. He chooses to use me for reasons of His own, not to any credit of mine. BUT these things are not the point. He is the point. He is the prize of this life and for all of eternity. We too are His prize. He came for us. And we seek Him not only for ourselves but also for others. So that not only will we have His abundant life but so that others might have this too.
I want to know Him more deeply. I want to live more fully alive to the glory of His name.
I want to sow to please the spirit so that I will not gratify the sinful nature of the flesh. I want to reap from the spirit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control in greater measure.
I have come to believe more than anything else, without wavering, that spending time with Him is THE MOST important thing in our relationship with Him. I also believe it is that thing as Christians that we do the least.
Why is this?
I am reading through the gospels. A few things stuck out to me in Mark. Jesus made it a habit to go to solitary places and spend time with His Father early in the morning.
In the midst of the great needs of the crowds that followed Him, He disciplined Himself to go away and spend time alone with His Father in the middle of it all.
He also did this at the end of his hectic days.
I too want to follow His example.
Life is chaotic and demanding. There are a million noble, kindgom-worthy things in a day that could be done. None of those things compare to seeking Him. When we seek Him first AND in the midst of our day...He gives us power and strength to love our family, give encouragement to our friends, reach out to the lost, spend time with the lonely, meet the needs of the poor and whatever else we are called to for that day. Then when we spend time with Him before we end the day in sleep, we wake up with the gratefulness for a new day.
May I seek Him, first, last and all throughout my day. May my thoughts be fixed on Him. May I be consumed by Him. May I walk in His Presence at all times lifting high His name. He is the Answer for me and for others.
Yes, He is the Answer!
I am coming away with this: There is NOTHING that can take the place of drawing near to Him, spending time alone with Him in His Presence. every day.
I have been fighting to keep Him as my focus. There are many things that I feel strongly about concerning His kingdom work. My flesh wants to run full speed into these things, not stopping to daily seek Him for Him. He could fix all the things in the world that I am passionate about...without me. He chooses to use me for reasons of His own, not to any credit of mine. BUT these things are not the point. He is the point. He is the prize of this life and for all of eternity. We too are His prize. He came for us. And we seek Him not only for ourselves but also for others. So that not only will we have His abundant life but so that others might have this too.
I want to know Him more deeply. I want to live more fully alive to the glory of His name.
I want to sow to please the spirit so that I will not gratify the sinful nature of the flesh. I want to reap from the spirit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control in greater measure.
I have come to believe more than anything else, without wavering, that spending time with Him is THE MOST important thing in our relationship with Him. I also believe it is that thing as Christians that we do the least.
Why is this?
I am reading through the gospels. A few things stuck out to me in Mark. Jesus made it a habit to go to solitary places and spend time with His Father early in the morning.
In the midst of the great needs of the crowds that followed Him, He disciplined Himself to go away and spend time alone with His Father in the middle of it all.
He also did this at the end of his hectic days.
I too want to follow His example.
Life is chaotic and demanding. There are a million noble, kindgom-worthy things in a day that could be done. None of those things compare to seeking Him. When we seek Him first AND in the midst of our day...He gives us power and strength to love our family, give encouragement to our friends, reach out to the lost, spend time with the lonely, meet the needs of the poor and whatever else we are called to for that day. Then when we spend time with Him before we end the day in sleep, we wake up with the gratefulness for a new day.
May I seek Him, first, last and all throughout my day. May my thoughts be fixed on Him. May I be consumed by Him. May I walk in His Presence at all times lifting high His name. He is the Answer for me and for others.
Yes, He is the Answer!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Interesting Statistics
We recently made a donation to an orphan ministry in Uganda. We got a thank you letter with some very interesting facts:
Thank you for choosing to be a part of Amazima Ministries. Your contribution is greatly appreciated. This gift will ensure that children in Uganda receive an education, nutritious hot meals, needed medical treatment, and so much more. Your support is not only educating these children, but in many cases keeping them alive.
There are an estimated 40 million orphans living in Sub-Saharan Africa. Ninety percent of orphaned children are malnourished, and 85 percent are not enrolled in school. Seventy percent of children not enrolled in school are involved in sexual behavior, others simply go hungry. Three million of these children will die of malaria this year, a disease easily treated with basic medical care. By supporting Amazima Ministries, you have ensured a brighter future for at least a fraction of these precious, vulnerable children.
THIS SPURS ME ON SO MUCH MORE to put James 1:27 into practice!
James1:27
27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
One life can make a difference! Please join me!!!!
Thank you for choosing to be a part of Amazima Ministries. Your contribution is greatly appreciated. This gift will ensure that children in Uganda receive an education, nutritious hot meals, needed medical treatment, and so much more. Your support is not only educating these children, but in many cases keeping them alive.
There are an estimated 40 million orphans living in Sub-Saharan Africa. Ninety percent of orphaned children are malnourished, and 85 percent are not enrolled in school. Seventy percent of children not enrolled in school are involved in sexual behavior, others simply go hungry. Three million of these children will die of malaria this year, a disease easily treated with basic medical care. By supporting Amazima Ministries, you have ensured a brighter future for at least a fraction of these precious, vulnerable children.
THIS SPURS ME ON SO MUCH MORE to put James 1:27 into practice!
James1:27
27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
One life can make a difference! Please join me!!!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I love the Africans...I love Jesus MORE!
I am longing to see my African family. I love and miss them so much. I will get to see their beautiful smiles and enjoy the rich fellowship we will share together in less than a week.
As I have been seeking Him on behalf of those I will be with in a few short days...Today I sought Him for Him alone. He has reminded me that He is the greatest desire of my heart. I forget. My affections get misplaced.
I have asked Him to increase my love for Him. I want to experience more of His Presence, more of His life inside of me. There is nothing I can do for His kingdom that can take the place of seeking Him, spending time with Him just because I love Him.
I pray that He increases my passion for Him. I already feel out of place most days. I am just being honest. I feel like I let the world calm me down. But He is slowly removing those restraints and giving me the faith to live more fully alive for His glory. I long for my passion to bring Him fame. I long for this fire to burn brighter on the inside of me. I long to care less about conforming to the patterns of this world and to care more about making every moment count for His sake!
As I yield more to this tugging in my heart to go deeper I find myself thinking of heaven more. I find myself caring less about the car I drive, the house I live in, the food I eat and the clothes I wear. I find myself wanting to sell all my possessions and give to the orphans and the widows. I find myself wanting to wake up even earlier to have even more time alone with my Lord. I find myself sneaking away in the middle of the afternoon to hide in my closet and listen to worship songs so I might feel just a touch of His Presence. I find my prayers being consumed with pleadings for Him to give me something that I can give to others whether it is a word of encouragement or meeting a physical need. I find myself feeling like the highest priority for me as a mom is to teach my children about who He is and how much He loves. I find myself wanting to use my influence for His kingdom instead of my own gain. I find myself being spurred on by a sense of urgency to tell others about this hope I have in Him so they too can have eternal life. I find myself not wanting to miss even a day of reading His word, because it is more precious to me than food. I find myself distraught when I realize I have sinned against someone. I find myself wanting this abundant spiritual life for those I love. I find myself despising the selfish parts of me that I am daily faced with.
I find myself crying out to Him to allow Jerome and I to love and serve those in Sierra Leone. If He said no...I would weep. I would mourn. But I would still love and seek Him with my whole heart.
While I love the Africans...I love Jesus MORE!
May my highest affections always be reserved for Him and Him alone!
As I have been seeking Him on behalf of those I will be with in a few short days...Today I sought Him for Him alone. He has reminded me that He is the greatest desire of my heart. I forget. My affections get misplaced.
I have asked Him to increase my love for Him. I want to experience more of His Presence, more of His life inside of me. There is nothing I can do for His kingdom that can take the place of seeking Him, spending time with Him just because I love Him.
I pray that He increases my passion for Him. I already feel out of place most days. I am just being honest. I feel like I let the world calm me down. But He is slowly removing those restraints and giving me the faith to live more fully alive for His glory. I long for my passion to bring Him fame. I long for this fire to burn brighter on the inside of me. I long to care less about conforming to the patterns of this world and to care more about making every moment count for His sake!
As I yield more to this tugging in my heart to go deeper I find myself thinking of heaven more. I find myself caring less about the car I drive, the house I live in, the food I eat and the clothes I wear. I find myself wanting to sell all my possessions and give to the orphans and the widows. I find myself wanting to wake up even earlier to have even more time alone with my Lord. I find myself sneaking away in the middle of the afternoon to hide in my closet and listen to worship songs so I might feel just a touch of His Presence. I find my prayers being consumed with pleadings for Him to give me something that I can give to others whether it is a word of encouragement or meeting a physical need. I find myself feeling like the highest priority for me as a mom is to teach my children about who He is and how much He loves. I find myself wanting to use my influence for His kingdom instead of my own gain. I find myself being spurred on by a sense of urgency to tell others about this hope I have in Him so they too can have eternal life. I find myself not wanting to miss even a day of reading His word, because it is more precious to me than food. I find myself distraught when I realize I have sinned against someone. I find myself wanting this abundant spiritual life for those I love. I find myself despising the selfish parts of me that I am daily faced with.
I find myself crying out to Him to allow Jerome and I to love and serve those in Sierra Leone. If He said no...I would weep. I would mourn. But I would still love and seek Him with my whole heart.
While I love the Africans...I love Jesus MORE!
May my highest affections always be reserved for Him and Him alone!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Holy Fear
Do you find the more you seek Him, the closer you come to Him, the safer you are, yet the more holy fear you have of Him? I do.
I found myself crying in my closet a few days ago. As I tried to evaluate the core of why I ended up there, this is the conclusion I came to. It wasn’t near as much about my outward circumstances...the boys being loud and disobedient, the house being messy, not getting my to-do list done, the disagreement Jerome and I had all piling up emotionally. No, it was much deeper, and it usually always is.
I am thankful that this time I went to my closet and cried out to Him, praying through it instead of sweeping it under the rug and moving on. My ‘crying in the closet’ sessions are much more messy, but produce a deeper intimacy between me and my Jesus who I love so much!
At my core I want to be pleasing to Him…in every way. Yet at my core I know that never, ever will I be pleasing to Him by any merit of my own. No matter how perfectly I parent my children or how wonderful I am as a wife. My heart is deceitfully wicked above all things. I need Him as much today as I did 13 years ago when I was as messy on the outside as I still am on the inside.
What happened the other day was me failing in my own strength. I couldn’t juggle all the plates that particular day and they came crashing down. My flesh took over and I crumbled. In my failure I ran to my closet to meet with Him, because I realize that He is a safe Refuge. But while in His Presence I also realized He is a holy God and it does no good to play games with Him. It does no good to make excuses for my fleshly reactions to the pressures of being a stay at home mom. So I found myself repenting even for my self-pity. In my sobbing frenzy of emotion, I found myself confessing and apologizing for all the ways I fall short instead of making excuses. This is because in the Presence of a Holy God, I find I have a holy fear and desperately want to be pleasing to Him. I want to be the real deal. I want my motivations to be pure. I don’t want to be motivated to do good by even a hint of selfish ambition. I want to know that it is my love for Him that compels me as much as I know it is His love for me that sustains me. I want my reward to be Him alone because He alone is who I am really serving, even when serving my husband and children.
I want to know He is pleased with me.
He did let me know this.
He did let me know through the sweetness of His spirit bringing peace as the tears stopped, through my husband’s encouragement, through Him flooding my mind with His Truth about how much He loves me and how His love covers the multitude of sin that sometimes reigns in my heart.
He is the very One Who holds my life together. As Jerome reminded the boys at dinner the other night, if God were to even stop thinking of us for a single second we would cease to exist. In Him and by Him all things are held together, including our very lives. I have a holy fear of a holy God, yet in Him I know I am safe. This causes me to fear ever been far away from Him for even a moment. I am desperate for Him, now more than ever!
I found myself crying in my closet a few days ago. As I tried to evaluate the core of why I ended up there, this is the conclusion I came to. It wasn’t near as much about my outward circumstances...the boys being loud and disobedient, the house being messy, not getting my to-do list done, the disagreement Jerome and I had all piling up emotionally. No, it was much deeper, and it usually always is.
I am thankful that this time I went to my closet and cried out to Him, praying through it instead of sweeping it under the rug and moving on. My ‘crying in the closet’ sessions are much more messy, but produce a deeper intimacy between me and my Jesus who I love so much!
At my core I want to be pleasing to Him…in every way. Yet at my core I know that never, ever will I be pleasing to Him by any merit of my own. No matter how perfectly I parent my children or how wonderful I am as a wife. My heart is deceitfully wicked above all things. I need Him as much today as I did 13 years ago when I was as messy on the outside as I still am on the inside.
What happened the other day was me failing in my own strength. I couldn’t juggle all the plates that particular day and they came crashing down. My flesh took over and I crumbled. In my failure I ran to my closet to meet with Him, because I realize that He is a safe Refuge. But while in His Presence I also realized He is a holy God and it does no good to play games with Him. It does no good to make excuses for my fleshly reactions to the pressures of being a stay at home mom. So I found myself repenting even for my self-pity. In my sobbing frenzy of emotion, I found myself confessing and apologizing for all the ways I fall short instead of making excuses. This is because in the Presence of a Holy God, I find I have a holy fear and desperately want to be pleasing to Him. I want to be the real deal. I want my motivations to be pure. I don’t want to be motivated to do good by even a hint of selfish ambition. I want to know that it is my love for Him that compels me as much as I know it is His love for me that sustains me. I want my reward to be Him alone because He alone is who I am really serving, even when serving my husband and children.
I want to know He is pleased with me.
He did let me know this.
He did let me know through the sweetness of His spirit bringing peace as the tears stopped, through my husband’s encouragement, through Him flooding my mind with His Truth about how much He loves me and how His love covers the multitude of sin that sometimes reigns in my heart.
He is the very One Who holds my life together. As Jerome reminded the boys at dinner the other night, if God were to even stop thinking of us for a single second we would cease to exist. In Him and by Him all things are held together, including our very lives. I have a holy fear of a holy God, yet in Him I know I am safe. This causes me to fear ever been far away from Him for even a moment. I am desperate for Him, now more than ever!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Out of the Mouth of Babes!
Oh life just doesn't get any better!!!!
Jerome and I were talking tonight and Micah came into the kitchen with a piece of paper with words written on it. He said, "I've been in my room writing a worship song."
Before I ever read the words I felt inexpressible joy on the inside. You have no idea what a gift this was to me. You see, not only are Jerome and I absolute worship junkies. I struggle with 'feeling' like I am not doing a good job as a mom. I mean, any 'ole normal mom maybe...but I don't want to be any 'ole normal mom. I want to be a mom that loves and leads her children to the heart of God...a mom that loves so lavishly that her children know God's love because of hers...and honestly most days I 'feel' like I miss this mark.
Oh I have learned to count it all joy. I have learned to not listen to my feelings. I have learned to get back up, let Jesus dust me off and walk in his new mercies the next day. I have learned to trust that He is weaving everything together for good…even my mistakes. I have learned that it is OK for my children to not have the perfect mom. They don’t need to see the perfect mom. They need to see the imperfect mom who fails, repents, turns back to God and keeps running the race. They need to see this modeled because Christ will be perfect for them so they don’t have to be. They need to see a mom who desperately loves God no matter how much she fails. If they see my desperation for God they will have the best chance as they too chase after Him in their imperfections and cry out to Him in their weaknesses.
I have learned to love the boys better as the years have gone by. But I still have a nagging fear on the inside that I should be doing better. The truth is, my very best is not enough, it will never be enough. Being a mom is one of the many ways I recognize my need for His grace, His forgiveness, His mercy. No, I am not enough for my children, but He is more than enough for them, just as He is for me.
So, tonight, as God gave me a peek into my sweet boy’s heart, I am basking in His grace and mercy. He is so much more than I deserve and yet this causes me to love and worship Him even more. He put a message on Micah’s heart. His message was not only to Micah, it was also to me. Maybe it is a message to you too whether you are a mom or not. I pray Micah’s worship song speaks to you. Here are the lyrics:
I give my life to you God. It is not enough. And God, you still forgive me. O God. Yes, O God. You gave your son for me God and I wish I could give enough God. But I can’t. Yes, O God.
Is he not the most precious thing EVER!
We serve a God who makes his home in the heart of the ex-drug dealer, the ex-stripper, and the sweet, home-schooled little boy! There is no one like our God. He is worthy of all glory and honor and praise. He alone is enough for every single one of us!
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