The River of Blood Hit the Dirt

This post was written by my husband, Jerome Crawford.

The river of blood hit the dirt.
And the whole earth mourned.
And the whole world shook.
As we watched, they nailed Him to a tree.
Oh the wretched souls of sinners like me.

Do you ever wonder what it was like in that moment? I wonder what it felt like for Peter in that moment “when the blood hit the dirt”. Oh the regret! Knowing how much he had resisted Him. Even to the point of rebuking the Creator. Oh the shame! Knowing his last act of denial was witnessed by beaten Christ as He was dragged along on the way to the cross. Oh God! The regret and shame must have been overwhelming!

My soul hurts for him because I know exactly how it felt! Every day I feel the weight of my sin! I cry out for mercy! Oh the regret that I do not seek Him more! Oh the shame! The times I deny Him with my sin! Sometimes I cannot lift my head because I know He is in the room and I want to be more for Him.

Faint and weary You have sought me.
My savior God to the cross you have bought me.
What a Love You sung for my salvation.
What a cost Your wondrous incarnation.
God you came. God you came. God You came down.

I am not sure when Peter realized that all that blood hitting the dirt was for him. He denied Him while He was on the way to die for Him. When the ephinany came it must have been overwhelming. “I denied Him when He was on the way to die for me but He just kept walking on". What a joy it is to know that while we still sin everyday right in from of Him GOD KEEPS WALKING! The blood still hit the ground!

Oh God please do not let me take this for granted! Many will watch the blood fall and not be moved an inch. They will go about their lives just accepting who they are, ignoring the sound of the river that has hit the ground and will soon wash them into eternity. But I will not! I will feel the weight and I will cry out for Your mercy! I will submit to the current of that mighty river and seek Your face! The current will drive me to holiness and discipline. Oh God you came down and watched our denial, our shame...and You still keep walking. So I will keep walking toward more knowledge of you, more sacrifice for those in need and more holiness in my life! I will make war against myself till the day I die!

Sacrifice and Suffering

As I follow Him it seems like my life is defined more and more by sacrifice and suffering. I thank Him for this, realizing it is an honor. But it doesn't mean it is any less difficult.

In recent years some of the things He has led us into have been heart breaking. Friends have misunderstood us. People in ministry have opposed us. Enemies have ridiculed us. Family has rejected us. Those we served have attacked us. People we love have been shamed and we've been persecuted for standing with them. Friendships have been left to run on auto-pilot because I'm steeped in raising 6 children in America and 100 more in Africa. Jerome and I literally laugh each week as the new trial comes in full force. We are no longer surprised. I am learning to rejoice quicker, even if it is through tears of sadness or confusion.

God pours out grace and mercy in the midst of these things. He has given us a few incredibly supportive friends, a handful a supporters who faithfully help us, and an insatiable craving for more of Him.

I have learned more about the gospel these last 3 years than I have the first 12 that I walked with Him. It makes so much more sense to me now that He tells us to do things like take up our cross and follow Him, to find our lives we must lose them, to share in His sufferings is an honor. Now I see that the things of this world really don't satisfy. Now I delight to store up treasures in heaven knowing that He is the Pearl of great cost and giving our lives for His kindgdom is where true joy is found!

A lot of my days are hard. I wake up with my sinful self asking for His mercy and guidance and Presence because I simply can't get through the day without it. I am in way over my head and am drowning in my weakness the moment I take my eyes off of Him. My day is filled with caring for children, that part I love, the part I don't like at all is discipling them. It is messy, they all have their issues and personalities that clash and their own areas of sin that they struggle with. I am the one responsible for training them in righteousness...NO PRESSURE! I fail most times but hit the mark here and there and trust His grace to cover it all!

I sneak in a few phone calls to my African children and the pastor they call Dad to see how everyone is doing. Most of my text conversations are with my friend over how much rice the kids need, when their tuition is due, which ones are sick and need medical care and how we can meet the needs of all 100 of them with a few loaves of bread and fish?? My prayers are consumed with asking for helpers, strength to stand firm against opposition and for God to graciously keep using us in their lives.

My days of play dates, hair appointments, shopping, coffee with girlfriends, phone conversations just to chat are no where in sight.

I am not complaining because my life is richer and deeper than it has ever been. Every single sacrifice He has asked me to make has been worth it. Every ounce of suffering that He has asked me to share with Him has brought joy beyond measure. He is the Pearl of great cost and I will keep sacrificing and suffering if it means I know Him more!

Confessions

I am a week or so into a 40 day fast. I am trying not to keep up with the days so I don't lose heart. I felt the Lord leading this and I was excited because I LONG to be closer to Him. I long to have Him do spring cleaning right in the middle of winter inside my heart. Honestly my heart can be so deceitfully wicked at times. I do not even understand myself. So I am doing whatever it takes to be closer to the One who does. Here is where I am at in the process...

I am a mess. I have so much junk that I have shoved in the recesses of my heart because I do not want to have to deal with my sin. I distract myself with a thousand little gods. I have things I have tried to 'hide' from God because at times I simply do not believe His word enough to put it into practice. Then at the right moment when my heart is attentive to His Voice I stumble across verses like this one:

Ephesians 3:12 In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Me: Really Lord? Really? You mean to tell me that the gospel is true for ME and applies completely no matter how big my sin or failure. Him: (I am sure with a big smile on His face) YES!

I can't even keep my stinkin' fast for a week without cheating...the fast that is meant to be dedicated to seek His face so He can get more glory out of my life. And then He speaks to me again...

Galatians 5:4 You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.

I think sometimes when it comes to myself, I miss the point of the cross. I want to know Him and love Him more. So this is where He brings me to. Back to these elementary truths. The gospel is good news for ME! I have to get this to explain with passion and conviction that it is good news for others.

Since my ears were open He also wanted to tell me this:

Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

I snuck into my closet this morning and with my face to the floor confessed all I could think of then asked Him to bring to mind any hidden sin. What I found was not condemnation but instead mercy. The tears that came did not sting with bitterness but were cleansing and led me to worship Him. He is the God that I DO NOT DESERVE! He pours out grace in my very best moment and in my very worst. If I really believed that I could approach God with freedom and confidence because of Jesus' payment for ALL of my sin when He died on the cross for me...then I would freely confess my sins at all times. I would not hide from Him in fear or shame.

I hurt people around me. I reject others and don't value them. I withhold affection from those who deserve it. I think more highly of myself more than I should. I crave the approval of people. I turn to other things for comfort in my stress. I am selfish...very selfish. I want to control in situations where I am afraid. I demand holiness out of my children that I can't even produce in myself. Oh...my list can go on and on and on. While all of these things are vague, I have become very specific with God in recent days. I do not want to act as if His sacrifice isn't enough for me while telling others it is enough for them.

Not only am I confessing to Him and you my sin. I am renouncing them. I do not want to live in these same patterns of selfish, fearful, rebellious living. I long for holiness in the innermost parts of my heart and mind. So I am asking Him to help me REALLY believe that the same power that kept Jesus on the cross in submission to His Father's will is alive inside of me. This power has the ability to help me make war against the sinful patterns I have developed in the way I treat people.

I want to be like Him so much!!! I want to treat others the way I want to be treated. I want to love my neighbor and my enemy in the same way I love myself. I am powerless to do this in my own strength but this is why He came and died, so I don't have to...because I can't, I have tried and tried again. And today, as I type this I believe that it is possible to become like Him because of my sweet Savior's sacrifice.

The gospel is not only good news for you but for me to!!!

From Stripper to Lover of God!

I want to blog more, even feel God convicting me to. I have these struggles...I don't have time, who's even going to read it, I have terrible typing and grammar skills, what if people think I am trying to brag and on and on and on. BUT I know to capture the reality and emotion of an event or moments or seasons of life you need to record them as quickly as possible. I know God uses the stories of His work through the lives of others to spur me on to be a living sacrifice for Him...that is what I hope for my life to be for others...for the glory of His great Name!

So pray for me to write out what He doing in me. I will just hold my breath and hit send. Ignore the mixed up words and run on sentences because I have 6 precious ones running around most times.

15 1/2 years ago I was a stripper who gave her life to Christ. What He has done in my life is absolutely miraculous. I am DAILY amazed that He has somehow taken me from all that I was to all that I am in Him. I NEVER, EVER would have dreamed that He would have given me this life. A life that is constantly bringing to my knees in brokenness over my own sin...a life that has called me to die to myself daily...a life that has given me a pure marriage and 3 beautiful children from my womb...a life that has led me to take in person after person into our home, from family to strangers...a life that would lead me to care for orphans and widows in their distress...

I love Jesus! I mean I REALLY love Him. Not just kinda sort of, but love Him to the point that I want nothing more than to see His face!

I never feel so alive as when I am worshiping Him down on my face in my bedroom or as loud as I can at church. I never feel so alive as when I am walking the dusty roads of Africa holding the hand of a child who calls me Mum. I never feel so alive as when I am holding a baby who was once sick and now is healthy and well and smiling. I never feel so alive as when I hear my husband quoting scripture and urging me on to the next level in Christ, pushing me a little further than what I think my heart can bare.

I told Jerome last night that I post cute pictures and sayings on facebook about our foster kids because I am desperate for the body of Christ to help care for the orphans in our own country. I want it to be attractive and entice them to take in a kid or two of their own...or help someone who already has. A year ago I would not have dreamed of taking in a foster child. Too much risk. Too much work. No way. Now my prayers are for others to join with us. I also told Jerome I secretly leave out the really messy, hard parts of fostering children who already have a mommy. I constantly have to push back my fear of the the future. The future could hold more pain than I have ever experienced in my life and I have to face the reality of this without letting it stop me from loving deeply.

My prayers have been consumed for 3 years with begging, pleading, crying tears after tears for God to please, please, please send people to help us care for a group of orphans on the coast of West Africa. My heart LONGS to see them truly be a light for Him for many generations to come. I leave out the part about the HUGE battle around these efforts. Talk about suffering. I have never experienced so much suffering for such a long season over anything. And yet He gives me perseverance to endure and keep going.

I can say with complete humility and utter JOY that today...I am a godly woman. Me, the stripper who couldn't go a day without being high on something and living only for myself. This causes me to worship Him OH SO MUCH! The God of the universe rescued me and has done great, amazing things through me in one person's life at a time.

I didn't graduate high school and I home school our kids. I knew nothing about being a mommy and He has made me a mommy to more children than I can count on my fingers and toes. He has given me a love for His word, a thirst for His Spirit and a longing for holiness.

This is why I tell you these things. If God can transform me into His image in this way and use me to do anything of eternal value, HE CAN USE YOU! I see the body of Christ changing...more are stepping up in radical obedience to do things that require great suffering and sacrifice and I am excited about that...REALLY EXCITED! I also see many on the sidelines who hold back out of fear, complacency or because they don't really believe to be called by His Name means to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Him.

Maybe 2 people read this, but my prayer is that even if 1 person steps out to radically obey what Christ is calling them to it will be worth it. If you don't have anything in particular in mind, open up one of the gospels and start reading. Whatever you see that Jesus did while He was on the earth, go out and do it. You will have many options to choose from, any of them will do. In fact do as many as you can. I know it sounds crazy but He will not rebuke you for it on the last day. He will not tell you that you sacrificed too much, showed too much compassion, loved too deeply, spent your life too freely on account of His Name. You will not regret it. He will be with you.

If He can use me, the weak, the foolish, the despised...He can use you my friend. Let me warn you, suffering will wait for you, but so will great, everlasting JOY!

I am praying for you!

Grateful

Lord Jesus,

You are good. You are faithful. You are able. I am amazed that I am just one life...I am dust, yet you will fight to let me know how valuable I am to you...how much delight I bring you. Lord, please use me in greater measure. It is my joy and delight to be used by You. Let me pour out my life, my love, for Your glory...for your renown. Lord, give me the grace to not please man but You alone. Lord, please help me to obey You and not shrink back. Use my mouth to encourage and praise! Use my hands to serve and comfort. Use my feet to carry the gospel across the earth. Strip away my pride...my misplaced affections. Please let me serve You in the ways You lead, doing the work You have prepared in advance for me to do. Please, Please, Please give me the discipline and ability to memorize more of Your Word so it can bring life and freedom to me and others through me. Please speak to me more. Please help me focus on You more...delight in You more...praise You more. Help me to see my whole life...even my daily, mundane activities as worship to You. Let me see every act of service...every word of encouragement to others as unto You. Let me give myself fully to You...looking to You for all I need. Help me not be distracted by the pride of life, the things of this world, my own insecurities and failures. Let me fix my eyes fully on the eternal, unseen riches I have in You and not the temporary things of this world that will not last.

Jesus, my Lord and my King! I am more in love with You than ever. I delight to do Your will. I'm alive here in Your Presence. I'm convinced of Your faithfulness. No matter what pain comes in and out of my life I know You are enough...You are unchanging...You are good and You are all I need. Your love makes it worth it all...all the struggle against my flesh...all the battles to do Your will...all the frustration of my day to day failings when I want more than anything to obey You at all times. I look to You and I am lost in Your Presence. You work all things together for my good and call me beautiful. You are worth all of me...all of my devotion...all of my affection. There is no one on this earth that loves and cares for me so perfectly. Your compassion and mercy are constantly being poured out into my life and I am humbled, honored, blessed to be called Your very own...Your forever daughter. Thank you for calling me...adopting me as Your own. Thank You for stripping me of idols and bringing freedom where I was once bound and creating such a beautiful life out of the ashes that I brought to You. You are still making all things new in me. Every day You are making me new. Every day You are calling me closer to You and higher above my circumstances and lower in submission and humility...all by the power of Your Spirit alive inside of me. So with all that I am, I proclaim Your goodness...with everything inside of me I will shout Your praise ALL the days of my life. I love and long for You more than ever before. Please, please consume every single part of me. Lord Jesus have Your way. Let Your will be done in me. You are my Treasure and I will live to know You more!

I love You!

He is Worthy!

I have so many things to do. An hour to be out the door with 4 of our 6 kids for an appointment. Everyone is still in PJ's working on school projects...worship playing in the back ground... I just had to stop and share with someone how great God is! Since phone conversations are next to impossible for me these days...I am telling anyone who will take time to read this.

Our great God is faithful! He is beautiful! He is trustworthy!

I have been rushing around the last few days trying to get all the kids to their doctors appointments and last minute things finished. I get the joy of going to take care of orphans for two weeks that don't have mommies to take them to the doctor or walk them to school or tuck them in at night, praying for them and telling them how precious they are to God.

I've been rushing through my days trying to get my mental check list done. (Something hard for me because my free spirits despises check lists) I have also been rushing in and out of His Presence in the mornings. In His grace and mercy He will not allow me to go on like this very long. He loves me. He pursues me. He literally chases me down with His goodness. So...I ended up sitting and just crying a few hours into my day. Crying because I just don't want to value anything over time alone with Him...not sleep...not more things done on my list...I don't want to take for granted that the God of the universe waits for me to wake up and spend time with me.

He is doing so many things in and through my broken life. He is moving in so many ways through the body of Christ all over the earth. His Name is being lifted up...the gospel is being preached...people are living for Him...sacrificially. But what excites me, draws me to my knees is that He chooses to live through ME...sinful, selfish ME! He has given me the boldness to declare His Name, His Truth, His goodness to the lost and the found. He has called and sent me to care for the orphan, the widow, the poor and the oppressed and allowed me to experience His joy as I obey. He has given me the strength to rise above myself and allow wanderer after wanderer to live in our home. Now, I can easily rejoice when I see others doing this...but for me, I know myself...my pride, the wickedness I am constantly fighting against in my own heart.

Today I am choosing to rejoice in the greatness of who He is! I am choosing to make time to sit still in His Presence letting everything else go. I am choosing to remember all He has done for me and through me. I am choosing to give Him the worship and glory due to His great Name!

Pain in the offering...

My life seems like a constant cliff hanger. I feel as if He takes me in and out of the furnace over and over again and for this I BLESS HIS HOLY NAME! While there is pain in the offering, there is also inexpressible JOY! Let me explain...

I wanted many children all from my own womb. But more than this, I wanted His will for my life. That is what He is giving me.

After my second tubal pregnancy I realized 3 children was all I could I give birth to and I wanted to adopt a fatherless child through DHS. But more than this I wanted His plan for my life. I see it unfolding.

God closed my womb to open up my heart for more children than I could bare on my own in an orphanage on the coast of west Africa. This has brought more joy than giving birth to 10,000 babies! To have Him align my heart with His for the orphan has brought sorrow and suffering. He sent me into a great battle to fight the injustice surrounding their broken lives. I now know Him in ways I NEVER would have had I not taken up my cross and followed Him. This is worth everything I have! Over 3 years into caring for and defending these precious ones I have found that I am less in love with the world and what it has to offer and more devoted to the One who gave His life so these children would know His love.

I still wanted to adopt but I did NOT want to be a foster parent. I did not want to care for the fatherless in this way. There was too much at risk for me emotionally. After all, I was doing my part by taking care of the orphans in Sierra Leone, right Lord? Isn't that enough? You see I tend to love very deeply, which can also bring a lot of pain. I do not like pain!

I ended up being a foster parent in a supernatural, very unconventional way. Completely God! You see God called us to take in 2 foster children we had only known a few weeks into our 4 bedroom, 1,800 square foot house with no substation on our $57,000 a year salary. We had no running vehicle and I was already spread thin homeschooling our 3 boys while helping run our ministry for the orphans. AWWW But He does not ask for my obedience when it makes sense or it seems like the right timing. He asked me to trust and obey Him regardless of my feelings or circumstances. 5 months into our journey we took in our foster children's 4 month old baby sister. I had given this precious one a baby shower when she was still in her mommy's tummy and was certain she was staying with her mommy. Again, I did not see how we would have the room, time, money...but I obeyed. And of course JOY came along with everything else we needed. He surrounded us with support from the body of Christ and poured out His Spirit in immeasurable ways. He has faithfully, no more than faithfully, provided MORE THAN ENOUGH of everything...money, time, energy, love, support. I could type for hours telling you unending stories of His faithfulness just in this situation alone.

This is where I am at this morning... I want these children to never leave our home. Ever. I have cried so many tears in the last 2 days at the mere thought of it. Our home has been a revolving door for the broken, the wanderer and the fatherless for the last 13 years of our marriage. I get ZERO credit for this. In fact I have fought God almost every time He brings new people and every time He takes them out. You see, I want stability in my circumstances. He wants stability in my soul. I want happiness, He wants me to have deep, everlasting JOY! In my pride I want people to look at our life and see order, He wants people to look at our life and see that He is the order in our chaos. I want people to see I have it all together, He wants people to see that I will be a fool for Christ!

He has reminded me this morning that my life is NOT my own. It was bought with a high price. I am to be a living sacrifice. I am to imitate His submission in the garden the night before He went to the cross. If He wants to bring 1,000 more people through our home so that we can speak the gospel to them, live out the gospel for them and share the gospel with them, then so be it! I will say it is an honor, a JOY, no matter the pain, no matter the cost...because to do His will is what the cross DEMANDS of me!

I don't know how long these children will be in our home. I don't know if Jerome will be given his next breath. I don't know if I will step foot on another plane to Africa to see the orphans I love so much. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

What I do know is that Jesus Christ is enough for me. He is all I need. And I will live to do His will. When what I desperately want doesn't line up with His plan for my life, I will bow my will to His and bless His Name. There is no greater joy than to follow Him where ever He leads. There is no greater joy than to welcome in my life whatever suffering He wants to bring, I know it is always for my highest joy and for the glory of His great Name!