Pain in the offering...

My life seems like a constant cliff hanger. I feel as if He takes me in and out of the furnace over and over again and for this I BLESS HIS HOLY NAME! While there is pain in the offering, there is also inexpressible JOY! Let me explain...

I wanted many children all from my own womb. But more than this, I wanted His will for my life. That is what He is giving me.

After my second tubal pregnancy I realized 3 children was all I could I give birth to and I wanted to adopt a fatherless child through DHS. But more than this I wanted His plan for my life. I see it unfolding.

God closed my womb to open up my heart for more children than I could bare on my own in an orphanage on the coast of west Africa. This has brought more joy than giving birth to 10,000 babies! To have Him align my heart with His for the orphan has brought sorrow and suffering. He sent me into a great battle to fight the injustice surrounding their broken lives. I now know Him in ways I NEVER would have had I not taken up my cross and followed Him. This is worth everything I have! Over 3 years into caring for and defending these precious ones I have found that I am less in love with the world and what it has to offer and more devoted to the One who gave His life so these children would know His love.

I still wanted to adopt but I did NOT want to be a foster parent. I did not want to care for the fatherless in this way. There was too much at risk for me emotionally. After all, I was doing my part by taking care of the orphans in Sierra Leone, right Lord? Isn't that enough? You see I tend to love very deeply, which can also bring a lot of pain. I do not like pain!

I ended up being a foster parent in a supernatural, very unconventional way. Completely God! You see God called us to take in 2 foster children we had only known a few weeks into our 4 bedroom, 1,800 square foot house with no substation on our $57,000 a year salary. We had no running vehicle and I was already spread thin homeschooling our 3 boys while helping run our ministry for the orphans. AWWW But He does not ask for my obedience when it makes sense or it seems like the right timing. He asked me to trust and obey Him regardless of my feelings or circumstances. 5 months into our journey we took in our foster children's 4 month old baby sister. I had given this precious one a baby shower when she was still in her mommy's tummy and was certain she was staying with her mommy. Again, I did not see how we would have the room, time, money...but I obeyed. And of course JOY came along with everything else we needed. He surrounded us with support from the body of Christ and poured out His Spirit in immeasurable ways. He has faithfully, no more than faithfully, provided MORE THAN ENOUGH of everything...money, time, energy, love, support. I could type for hours telling you unending stories of His faithfulness just in this situation alone.

This is where I am at this morning... I want these children to never leave our home. Ever. I have cried so many tears in the last 2 days at the mere thought of it. Our home has been a revolving door for the broken, the wanderer and the fatherless for the last 13 years of our marriage. I get ZERO credit for this. In fact I have fought God almost every time He brings new people and every time He takes them out. You see, I want stability in my circumstances. He wants stability in my soul. I want happiness, He wants me to have deep, everlasting JOY! In my pride I want people to look at our life and see order, He wants people to look at our life and see that He is the order in our chaos. I want people to see I have it all together, He wants people to see that I will be a fool for Christ!

He has reminded me this morning that my life is NOT my own. It was bought with a high price. I am to be a living sacrifice. I am to imitate His submission in the garden the night before He went to the cross. If He wants to bring 1,000 more people through our home so that we can speak the gospel to them, live out the gospel for them and share the gospel with them, then so be it! I will say it is an honor, a JOY, no matter the pain, no matter the cost...because to do His will is what the cross DEMANDS of me!

I don't know how long these children will be in our home. I don't know if Jerome will be given his next breath. I don't know if I will step foot on another plane to Africa to see the orphans I love so much. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

What I do know is that Jesus Christ is enough for me. He is all I need. And I will live to do His will. When what I desperately want doesn't line up with His plan for my life, I will bow my will to His and bless His Name. There is no greater joy than to follow Him where ever He leads. There is no greater joy than to welcome in my life whatever suffering He wants to bring, I know it is always for my highest joy and for the glory of His great Name!