The Prayer of a Righteous (Wo)Man

One of my younger cousins is in prison. He has recently sstarted a job in a work program. His boss has let him call me every day for the last week.

This young man is so precious to me. He lived with us as a teenager. He accepted Christ into his life during that time but has had a lot working against him.

The really cool thing is that his dad (my uncle) who is also in prison, has recently become VERY on fire for the Lord. So much so that he is leading a bible study with a few guys. They are studying the book of Revelation verse by verse. Me, Jerome and the boys visit him about twice a month. We have rich conversations about God, scripture, theology, the church, social justice and more. He even listens daily to an ipod filled with mostly worship music that we gave him a few months ago. He complains about the secular songs on it and says he skips over them. He wants a job in the ministry when he gets out. He would like to intern with Teen Challenge, a ministry to those enslaved to drug and alcohol addiction.

My uncle is also very special to me. He is serving his second prison sentence. He has been in for 10 years this time. His dad (my grandpa) was in prison 3 times. The last time for over 20 years. You see the pattern.

I have prayed fervently many, many times for these men over the years. I have longed for them to know God's love and live in the freedom of Christ. I can't tell you the burden I have carried for each of them at different times.

Not having a relationship with my dad set me up for many failures in life. Seeing the impact of the intimate relationship Jerome and the boys have with each other has made me long for these men also to have this with one another. A father needs to have intimacy with his children as much as the children need this with their fathers.

My cousin, Josh, called Wednesday and was expressing a desire to get a hold of the mother of his young son. We brainstormed on some ideas and didn't come up with much. I finally said, "Josh, let's both pray about it. Let's ask the Lord to put an idea in our minds and lead us to the right solution." He quickly said, "OK." It was a bit awkward even saying it...but I knew he desperately desired to be connected to His son...I knew the Lord desired this too...and I didn't know what else to do.

He called me later that afternoon with great excitement. He said about 15 minutes after he got off the phone with me the first time that he remembered he used to do construction for a guy who is a cop. He remembered this guy's number. He called him and asked if he would find out the contact information for the mom of his son. The guy agreed.

Josh then said, "did you pray when we got off the phone?" And I actually had...the moment we got off the phone in fact.

I was shocked. First of all, what the guy agreed to do probably isn't even legal. Second of all...how did Josh remember the number and why would the guy even agree...he is a cop...Josh is calling him from prison. I knew it was God.

I told Josh this was such an encouragement to me. I admitted to him that most times when I pray, God either doesn't answer yes, or at the very least it takes time to receive an answer. I also told him that I knew God answered so quickly because He wanted to show Josh how much he loves him and desires for him and his son to be connected. And I know the Lord wanted to make me stand their with my mouth open in awe of Him! I love it when He shows off :)

Sometimes I am not so quick to turn to God for the answer to my problems or the problems of others. I set aside time for prayer each day. I even set aside time once a week on Saturday morning to pray with my sweet friend Crystal. Because we all know where two or more are gathered together....

I will even be burdened with a thought and I will tell myself I need to remember to pray later about whatever is weighing on my mind at the moment.

I think God knew I needed a reminder that He is God and I can cast all my cares (and the cares of others) on Him immediately. He will be faithful to answer in His way and in His timing. And sometimes His timing is FAST...but not always.

James 5:16 The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Just another really cool thing. I told Josh we wanted to send him $20 for Christmas. He said he would rather us buy him an NIV study bible so he could understand the scriptures better. Another really cool thing....the bible I gave my uncle (his dad) 10 years ago when he first went into the county jail...he is now using not only to study on his own but to lead other men in the study of God's word.

God just doesn't get any more fantastic than this! He is so good!

I choose to love You!

I have an hour of quiet while Jerome and the boys are at the gym. I was walking around the house picking up with a line of a worship song stuck in my head. I started humming and singing it over and over. This is what it says:

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon, in awe of the one Who gave it all.

I'll stand, my soul Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.

For whatever reason I haven't been in a tremendous 'feeling' season with the Lord. These times are destined but they are hard for me. I am an emotional person. Okay, maybe I am a REALLY emotional person. This used to get me into trouble...a lot. I used to be ruled by my emotions. Now, most of the time I am ruled by Christ.

During my quiet times I have not been greatly moved. I have been going through the motions feeling almost a bit of anxiety because I haven't 'felt' a strong sense of His Presence. Sort of like, "Am I doing something wrong...is He displeased with me in some way?" I have found it less inviting to spend alone time with Him.

I had some drive time by myself last Saturday. It was kind of a country drive and I was excited. I planned on turning the music off and just praying, connecting on an emotional level kind of praying, to the Lord. Still nothing...no warm, fuzzy feelings. I started to tell the Lord how hard this was for me...how much I loved Him and just wanted to feel His Presence...how much I wanted Him to speak to me.

OK...guess what happened...NOT KIDDING...at that moment I came up behind a truck that said AGAPE in giant letters across the tail gate. My mouth dropped. I knew this was the Lord. The Monday of last week my husband spoke to the teenaged girls about having AGAPE love for God. The love that we CHOOSE to have for Him. It is the strongest form of love and it happens to be the one that does not have a 'feeling' attached to it. It is a love of the will. There are other forms of the word love that have more feeling connected to it. Phileo has friendship feelings attached. Eros has sexual feelings attached.

Agape is a choice, not a feeling.

Once God made sure I had time to process this and make the connection, the truck turned. He spoke to me alright :)

I am not a spiritual super hero...nothing special about me. If you were to remove God's spirit you would find a selfish, not-so-nice girl. For the last 13 years I have made a choice to love Him with an agape love. I have chose to read my bible, listen to music that focuses my mind on who He is, to love people, to seek the forgiveness of others when I have sinned against them, to get back up when I fall and miss the mark, to praise Him in the midst of suffering, to obey when I don't 'feel' like it.

Even if the 'feelings' never come again I will still choose to love Him the best I can in this earthly body.

I will choose to do what the words of this song say:

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon, in awe of the one Who gave it all.

I'll stand, my soul Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.

Righteous Anger

Can a holy and righteous God get pissed? Yes, I think He can, in a holy and righteous way. He is jealous for us. He doesn't want some of us, He wants all of us. I think He gets angry when anything threatens to keep Him from having intimacy with one of His children...whether it is an addiction, a system, a relationship or any other little god. I think He is a mighty Warrior who is fierce in His passion for us.

Some people who rent a house from my husband have little girls. My husband has fallen in love with them. He was in between jobs a few months last year and would often drop by just to see the girls and play with them. He would go get them and take them to church with us. They LOVED going to church and always asked when they could go again each time he'd come by.

These girls live in a very small space in not-so-great living conditions but they have joy! Their parents started avoiding us on Sundays so we wouldn't take them to church. One Sunday Jerome had enough. He got pissed. I got mad that he got mad. I rebuked him. God rebuked me. He was experiencing God's righteous anger. God was jealous for these little girls to know Him. He wasn't happy that their parents were keeping them from Him. His anger was just.

That Sunday Jerome cried through worship...through the sermon...on the way to lunch...and even sat in the parking lot while me and the boys went in the restaurant to order. Why was he weeping? Because the God of the universe cares so much about these little girls living in this little bitty house on the not-so-great side of town...that He would take the time to be pissed that they were being kept from having an opportunity to know and experience Him.

On the way home that day, Jerome spoke to me of the beauty of God.

The Lord is just in His anger, perfect in His love.

He is jealous for us and this is a perfect expression of His love.

I was reminded of this story. Tonight I was pissed at the thought that someone I love fiercely might be kept from from having an opportunity to know and experience the Lord more deeply. I am jealous for her to not just be a christian but to have a deep intimacy with Jesus. She has been through more than I can wrap my mind around. I want this for her as much as I want my next breath. I think Jesus does too.

Now I know how Jerome felt that day.

The reality is, no matter how intense my emotion...I don't know what will happen with those sweet, little girls who live on the not-so-great side of town. I don't know what will happen with the precious one that my heart aches for tonight.

Yes, a holy and righteous God can get pissed. He can also weep. I am created in His image. I'm in awe that He allows me to feel the smallest portion of what He feels. While I am imperfect in my emotions, He is perfect in His.

Psalm 103:8

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

P.S. Do ya'll like my picture of the angry Wolverine guy? Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself...I know God does :)

Full Life

Last friday night I sat in a room full of the most beautiful women, inside and out. We worshipped, laughed, cried, prayed and encouraged each other. We shared the joys and sorrows of our journey with the Lord. It was a precious experience.

Many of these women are single and are hurting over broken relationships. I was thinking on the way home how easily, as women, we try and use broken cisterns to get water for our souls. We were created to only drink the Living Water that comes from the Well that never runs dry. It is easiest to turn to people or things to try and satisfy our souls, but for the Christ follower this is idolotry. It is a lie that leads us to being enslaved by gods that were never meant to control our lives. When we seek our fulfillment outside of Christ, we are left wounded, broken and hurting.

I am speaking from experience. Because I too have walked a mile or so on this road and I am familiar with the pain.

What I want to hold out is hope. There is another way. A better way.

Freedom is possible.

I came across this verse. It put truth to my desires for the women who were hurting friday night.

John 10:9-10 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.[a] He will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Jesus came not only so that we could be saved. He came so that we may have life and have it to the full. His desire has always been for us to come to Him daily to be filled...not to a person or substance or object. He knows this is the only way to true freedom. He knows any thing else is a lie from the enemy seeking to kill, steal and destroy our lives.

While my heart breaks for the place that some of these women are at. I have an equal amount of excitement for where the Lord will take them if they will let hope take root in their hearts, take hold of His hand, and let Him lead them into the glorious land of freedom. The freedom to say no to that person or thing beckoning for their highest affections that should be reserved for the Lord alone, the Lover of their souls.

I can confidently say that freedom is possible. That joy will come. That you can have a full life in Christ.

It has happened in my life and is still happening every single day. I say this humbly and boldly.

Freedom is possible.

I remember how weak and miserable I was. I remember how enslaved I was to my emotions. I remember how crippling the pain was.

I am thankful for the intimacy that has been produced between the Lord and I as I have drawn near to Him in my hurt. I am fully aware that I still must do this today, 13 years later. If I try and draw water from a broken cistern I will be left empty. If I come to Him to fill my cup, it will be overflowing. Yes, I have a full life in Christ, and you can too...just trust Him in the midst of the pain. He came so that you may have life and have it to the full!

He is a Mystery. His will is not.

I have been trying very hard to not blog about Africa so that everyone would think I have a normal, American life. But this morning my heart is FULL of many things concerning the people of Sierra Leone. I am still in awe that the Lord has allowed me the opportunity to visit this little country on the coast of West Africa...that He has allowed me to walk among these precious people who have not been overlooked by Him. He knows each one by name...created them with His own hand and lives to pursue them with His love.

While I have a wonderful life here in America, a part of my heart is always in Africa. I do not go on mission trips and then simply return to my normal American life with little thought of those I left behind. I can't...not even if I used every ounce of strength to try. My heart and mind are constantly flooded with thoughts of my African family. There is a continuous, dull ache because my American and African families are not together on one continent. I doubt this ache will ever go away. I'm not sure Jesus wants it to.

Each time I visit Africa my eyes are opened more, my heart is broken more, and my resolve stronger than ever to let God use me to bring relief and deliverance for these precious ones. Like Esther, I want to have the courage to use my royal, American position for such a time as this. I desperately want to be one of the ones He chooses to bring hope and healing to these sweet people.

I do not deserve to be used for anything. I am weak, sinful, insecure and the list goes on...but I am willing. I am willing. I don't have much to offer, but I want to be used. I don't have much strength, but I want to fight. No, I do not have much, but what I do have I humbly bring before Him and ask Him to multiply it for the good of these people and the glory of His name. I am desperate to be emptied of myself so that I can love more lavishly and live more deeply.

What is the point of living this life if we are not investing in eternal things? I am not asking this from a position of authority, I am asking this from the position of a student who is learning, every day, what it means to deny my flesh, take up my cross and follow Him.

He is teaching me, through His word, through brokenness, through failure, through my relationships, through the times I have alone with Him that the point of this life is to do His will.

He is a mystery. His will is not.

Scripture is clear what our purpose is and it resonates in our hearts if we listen to His still small voice on the inside...if we open our eyes to the needs all over our world. We are called to love the hurting. Reach out to the lost. Nurture our children. Honor our spouse. Clothe the naked. Feed the hungry. Bind up the broken hearted. Fight for justice. Love Him and our neighbors, even our neighbors on the other side of the earth, with all our heart mind and soul.

This is simple. This is also difficult.

It is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to learn to do...harder than breaking my drug addiction or walking out of the strip clubs. But it is also the greatest source of joy I have ever known. I have found more purpose in abandoning myself to Him and allowing Him to love through me more than I ever imagined.

This is our God. A mighty warrior. A humble servant. A just ruler. A defender of the weak. A loving parent. A faithful friend. Yes, this is our God.

I was created in His image. I want to do what He did when He was on the earth. I want to live to do His will for the glory of His name. I do not want to live for selfish gain. This will no longer do. The conflict in my heart is too great. He has won me over in the most wonderful way. I am His. Fully His. Living to do His will.

So off to Sierra Leone I go....again...in 26 days and counting. Pray for me to be emptied of myself and to love deeply.

Friendship and Coffee

I had coffee with two amazing women Friday morning. One of these women, Ixie, lives in California and she is here visiting my friend Sally. I met Ixie for the first time on my second trip to Sierra Leone, Africa in November of last year. On our trip we were all so enthralled with the kids that we didn't get the time together that I wished we would have. So you can imagine how excited I was for this coffee date! I knew from watching Ixie with the kids in Africa and all that Sally had shared with me about her that she was an extraordinary person. I couldn't wait to get know her better...to just be in her presence.

As we sat in the coffee shop I asked Ixie to share the story of how she came to Christ. I NEVER tire of hearing these stories. In fact, I have often thought of how wonderful it would be if we could listen to these stories for all of eternity once we are in heaven. I think it would spur on the most powerful worship experience that has ever been.

I loved hearing how the Lord pursued my precious friend and rescued her from despair. It is so beautiful to me. She is madly in love with the Lord. He has given her a wonderful life in Him. She is thanking Him for that life by pouring His love into others.

As I listened to her story my heart filled with hope for the lost again. There are many people being pursued by God this very moment. Some of those people are overlooked by the church or scoffed at by the world. I have hope for them. I have hope for the least of the least.

He always has and always will use the weak to lead the strong. This is one of the things I love most about His character. When we come to him feeble and powerless, in complete surrender, He uses our lives to make a difference in significant ways. He delights in raising us up from the ashes of our broken lives to display His beauty for the world to see.



He is weaving together the lives of people who's hearts who are devoted to Him. As we talked we were marvelling at the way God had connected Ixie to Sally's life when she needed family. He connected Sally to my life when she needed community. He connected my life to theirs when I needed friendship.

Even though I have only known Ixie a short while...even though Sally and Ixie have been friends many more years that Sally and I...for those 2 hours in that coffee shop it felt like the 3 of us had been friends for all of our lives. It felt as if the 3 of us had a mutual love for each other, the Lord and humanity. This can only be God. Just another one of His miracles. Just another reason I am so happy I said yes to Him 13 years ago. Just another reason I am thankful that He is a relational God who has called us to place worth and value in relationships and not material possessions. Just another reason to praise Him!

We rambled on about our love for those sweet orphans on the coast of West Africa, our wonderful husbands and few things in between. I can't help but think that God flew Ixie all the way to Oklahoma to give me that time as a special gift. Ok, maybe that's not the only reason, but I bet it is part of the reason. He delights in giving His children good gifts...and what better gifts than friendship and coffee :)

I love you sweet friends!

Our Royal Position

Esther 4:14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

As I was reading through Esther the verses above stood out to me like they hadn't before. I kept coming back to them over the next few days.

Here is how they have settled in my heart. I do not want relief and deliverance to arise from another place for even one single person I am called to help. I never want to misuse my royal position in Christ by doing nothing.

Esther was tempted to think she could sit in silence because of her royal position and ignore the edict sent out to destroy the jews. I too find these temptations in my own life.I too have been given a royal position in Christ for a purpose. God does not NEED to use me to bring relief and deliverance to anyone. He is God. He can do this Himself. He could use a donkey if He chose. No, He certainly doesn't need me to accomplish justice or mercy. But the joy when He chooses to use me. The joy. Nothing compares.

I am burdened for many people. I am praying for the Lord to give me the courage to act in these peoples' lives. I do not want to be held back by fear or complacency or intimidation of the needs. I do not want to ignore the injustice all around me. I do not want to ignore the injustice that is half way accross the earth just because it isn't directly in front of me either. I want to go boldly and humbly before my King and ask Him to bring relief and deliverance through me. Please join me. I promise, together we can change the world with His love.

Daughters of the King

I had a plan for the teeanged girls' group on Monday. God had another plan. His plan was better. So much better.

These girls AMAZE me.

One of the girls came with a list of honest questions. She wanted to know things from, 'Can you lose your salvation?' to 'Are Jews going to heaven or hell?' to 'Does God talk back when you pray?' to 'If you don't ask for forgiveness for a sin and you die will you still get to go to heaven?' to 'How do people in remote parts of the world who have never heard of Christ get saved?' AND MORE. Her questions, I am certain were prompted by God. It opened up a tremendously wonderful dialogue between all of us. Her questions gave some of the other girls the courage to ask about their own concerns. I will tell you that not all of the girls that come and sit in my living room each week have given their lives to Christ. I have had this feeling for some time. Monday night it was confirmed by at least one of the girls. Can I tell you how happy this makes me.

This is why:

During a worship event friday night a line in one of the songs made me start weeping. The song said, "For all your sons and daughters who are walking in the darkness, You are calling us to lead them back to you."

We were all birthed into this world with the intention that we would become His children, a part of His family. There are those who are walking in darkness and we, as Jesus' followers, are called to lead them back to their Creator, their heavenly Father.

The girls that come to my house each week to hang out and listen to us ramble on about this Jesus we love so much...that allow us to get into their business and live this sometimes messy life with them...are no longer walking in the darkness. The ones that have not yet surrendered their lives to Him, now have hope, that maybe, just maybe this Jesus is the real deal and religion isn't the only option if they choose to follow Him.

The morning after group I cried as I prayed for these precious girls. Tears of joy. I am so humbled that God would allow me to play the smallest role in their lives. While I feel an enormous responsibility for their spiritual well-being, I am humbled that He would allow me to feel this at all. Who am I that I should have such a precious opportunity to pour into the lives of these beautiful daughters of the King!

Psalm 45:11 The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.

Jesus is Attractive

I met some new friends this weekend.

I have coffee with Crystal on Saturday mornings. This week her aunt and sister were visiting her for the weekend. Crystal had a plan...to offer her sweet family hope. Her plan included me. She wanted me to come over and casually share my testimony. Once I got there and we all got settled with a cup of coffee I followed Crystal's prompts. Before I knew it as I was sharing, I was enthralled all over again by the sweet, sweet love story of me and my Jesus. He is precious to me...so precious. Apparently they too were enthralled by our love story.



After I left they both opened up and shared how they needed what Crystal and I have. Not religion, but intimacy with the God who fills us with love, joy, peace and hope!



Crystal shared this story with the teenaged girls on Monday. She told them to take heart when they are fearful of sharing Christ with their friends.

Jesus is attractive when He is presented through a life of someone who is madly in love with Him. So please, choose to be madly in love with Him. The world DESPERATELY needs to see this. The needs of people are great. Religion will not do. The gospel is attractive because it works. Jesus changes everything. He doesn't need us to explain or defend Him. He just needs us to tell the world how much He loves them and desires to make all things new in their lives.

I am re-inspired to tell the world of His love one person at a time. Will you join me?

And Crystal, you spur me on sweet friend. Thank you for your contagious compassion! You are loving the Lord with all your heart, in action and in truth!

Treasure Time

I am stranded at home. The boys are at grandma and grandpa's and my van won't start. Guess Jesus wanted me all to Himself :)

I sat at my kitchen table listening to the new Matt Redman CD and writing in my journal. (I even danced a little in my kitchen). I will share my after thoughts with you...

I am learning many things on my journey with the Lord. Lately I am learning to be still and content. I am learning to love deeply, the painful kind of love that comes along with compassion. The kind of love that is intermingled with sorrow and joy. The kind of love that Jesus must have felt when He was on the earth.

As I journey on I feel more and more like a stranger in this world. I feel less and less like I fit in, honestly even in christian circles at times. My heart breaks greater than ever because I am faced with the need of humanity. I have an increasingly burning desire to help many different people and yet time and ability keep me from this which leaves a dull ache in my heart. All of these things are forcing me to be still and wait on Him. To know that He is God. To know that when He alone is my Treasure I will be satisfied with a deep joy. To know that if I set my affections fully on Him, hiding myself in Him, delighting in Him alone I will being doing His will. To know that If I abide in Him He will produce the fruit I desire in my life. To know that if trust Him with ALL of my heart He will lead me to the people and places I am called to pour His love into.

This morning He has reminded me that I must come to Him when my well runs dry. He is the Living Water. I cannot offer my husband, my children, or anyone else something that I do not have. The only thing of eternal value I could ever offer anyone comes from His hand. I must daily seek Him out.

Some times a day here or there can turn into several days of not making Him my first and highest priority. The demands of my life and others' lives take precedence over my time alone with Him...even if only in my thoughts. In His grace and mercy He has carved out this morning for me. He has forced me to be still and know that He is God. Not only because He delights in the time He has me all to Himself but because He knows that He is the only One who will truly satisfy my soul.

He knows my desire is to pour into the lives of others. He has set aside this morning to give me the love that I so desperately want to give away to the people I am burdened for. This time alone with Him has been a precious treasure from Jesus. I do not deserve to be so lavishly loved by my sweet, sweet Lord!

Creator God

This morning at breakfast the boys and I started talking about how the world began and how it continues on. I found out Micah does not think dinosaurs ever existed and Silas firmly does! (love those boys) As we discussed evolution, the big bang theory and creation we decided to look up information online. We read a bunch of articles and watched several videos. At the end we all agreed that we believe God spoke the world into existance and holds everything together still today.

I am amazed at the order and complexity of our universe. I am more amazed that God has given us the ability to discover parts of this mystery. After our research today I am more stunned than ever by His majesty and power and love. He has created earth for lil' ole us. He has put us in the PERFECT place in space so that our planet can sustain life. If one thing were slightly out of place then everything would fall apart. He is holding all things together.

The One who, in love, has created and sustains planet earth cares about every detail of my life...my boys' lives...the orphans' lives in Africa...the widows' lives in South America and the single moms' lives right here in America. He is sovereign over the events of the earth and the events of our lives. I don't understand even an inkling of it all but by faith and learning to trust Him more and more each day.

He is majestic, powerful and full of love, mercy and justice.

As Mr. Beaver says to Lucy in C S Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia (the book, not the movie) ”He’s not a tame lion!” Nor is He “safe.”

In that same passage from the book, Lucy asks Mr Beaver if Aslan, the Lion representing Christ, is “safe”. To which he responds, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Acts 17:28 'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'

Are you scared of a girl?

I snuggled with my sweet boys in my warm and cozy bed yesterday morning. We were reading through The Story Book Bible. We were reading about Elijah.

Later yesterday afternoon I stole a few minutes to sneak back in my warm and cozy bed to pray for a few people who have been on my heart. My thoughts kept drifting to Elijah...

I was thinking how odd it was that he had just stood boldly in the presence of King Ahab and declared the Lord God was the one true God and denied the power of Baal. He was then used to prove God's power by calling fire from heaven to consume a sacrifice drenched in water at Mount Carmel. Then he prayed for rain after a severe drought and the Lord sent rain. Right after when Ahab's wife, Jezebel, a Baal worshipper, heard about these things She was furious. She sent a messenger to tell Elijah that she would kill him by the next day...and he took off running and hid.

Did he forget all the Lord had done in and through Him? Did he forget the way the Lord had provided for Him and protected Him? Did he forget how God had faithfully led him through trial after trial? Did he forget how the Lord had delivered him in times of trouble?

I can relate with Elijah. I also tend to be forgetful of all the Lord has done when faced with a new trial, struggle or temptation in my life.

I find comfort in knowing that this amazing man of God was motivated by fear at times just like me. I am thankful that God understands I too am dust.

Maybe Elijah needed to be reminded that apart from God's power he was scared and weak. Maybe I also need this reminder.

It wasn't Elijah's greatness that caused God to choose him to be a prophet. It was God who made Elijah great in spite of his weaknesses!

How I need to remain desperate before Him. How I need to choose to trust Him in each and every trial, struggle and temptation that WILL come into my life this side of heaven. I must choose to trust in His perfect love every minute of every day. It is His perfect love that will cast out the fear that many times motivates my disobedience.

Sweet Girls

Monday nights are one of my favorite nights of the week. I have a handful or sweet teenaged girls that come hang out at my house. I love to hear about their week, pray, laugh, read and discuss the scriptures, eat, cry and did I say laugh with them :) I love these girls so much!



Tonight we continued our discussion on spiritual gifts. I see them growing and maturing.

I see them tossing aside religion for an active relationship with the living God. I see them seeking Him out through their pain and with their tough questions. I see them having compassion on those who are hurting. I see them seeking to have healthy relationships with their family. I see them taking delight in the Lord and understanding that He takes delight in them.

They have much working against them to have the freedom to be all that God created them to be. So many people and things are crying out for their focus and affections...so many little gods. On many different levels they are turning their hearts towards Him again and again against great opposition. I love these girls like daughters!

This life is He has given me is filled with such joy and purpose.


Well, this post is short and sweet because my boys just got home. Asher ran in and said, "Mommy is your bible group over." I could eat him up he is so stinkin' cute! AAWWW I have the best life!

Jesus Loves Me

I have felt this conviction to start writing in my blog again...but I haven't felt motivated or inspired. I guess this post is me stepping out in faith and seeing what happens. So you might not be greatly moved by what I write :)

I had a late night party with Jesus 'till 4:30 this morning. I felt so full and content. I prayed and read and meditated and filled my mind with lots of amazing truths! I have been trying to convince myself it's OK if I can't sleep sometimes, well, a lot of times, because Jesus is better than sleep.

As the day has worn on I have worn down. I went from being on a spiritual high at church to crying on my closet floor by this evening to smiling and happy again. (This doesn't surprise some of you. I tend to be labeled as a bit emotional).

It amazes me how powerful our emotions can be. Today, I have scream-laughed because I was so excited to see Sally at church this morning. By lunch I let out a high-pitched squeal because Crystal told me that someone donated the $5,000 we needed to send sweet miss Deborah Lange to Africa. By the time I finished my tortilla soup I was frustrated because I had a stomach ache. Once we got home fatigue really set in and my wildly loud (sweet) boys had my frustration pushed to really bad irritation. Then my husband told me some discouraging news about a situation I was praying about during my middle-of-the-night Jesus party and I ended up crying in my closet with my bible and journal. Jesus wiped away my tears, my sweet husband took my crazy boys to the store so it would be quiet for a few minutes and now I am back to normal...well, kind of :)

I am so thankful that through the highs and lows of our emotions...through life...His love is constant. He doesn't change. He gives a peace and joy and strength that super cedes our circumstances, hormones and whatever else! I have no idea how He puts up with me and loves me so perfectly...but I am so glad He does! I am super in love with Him!!!

Don't ask me how the picture goes with the blog....I just thought it was fun :)

I need Africa more than Africa needs me!

Thank you so much if you have given towards my upcoming trip to Sierra Leone! If you haven't would you please prayerfully consider making a donation, no matter how small.

I have been thinking of and praying for those sweet children in the Wellington Orphanage almost constantly! My heart longs to be with them. I know this is the Lord. He is so beautiful to me.

I want to share something with you... My husband came home from work yesterday crying. He walked through the door listening to worship on his iphone with tears streaming down his face. He walked back to our room and continued worshipping. A little later he shared with me what sparked his emotion. He started listening to a new Steven Curtis Chapman CD at work yesterday. The entire album was birthed out of the pain of Steven losing their 5 year old daughter, Maria. The Chapmans have 3 birth children and had 3 adopted girls from China before they lost Maria. Their 5 year old little girl was run over by an SUV on accident. This family has a deep love for God and a passion to help orphans in various ways.

Later that day my husband started listening to the new Matt Redman CD on his way home from work. The lyrics are very worshipful and helped draw him into the majesty of God. As we sat on the couch discussing these things he started crying again. The tears were not sad tears. He spoke to me of the beauty of God. How wonderful the Lord is that He took this sweet 5 year old little girl that nobody wanted at one time and used her in such a powerful way. She is the face of heaven to Steven Curtis Chapman, just as each of us is the face of heaven to God. This is the beauty of the Lord. He delights in using the weak. He delights in rescuing the lost and hurting. He finds great joy in bringing beauty from the ashes of our lives.

I recently heard someone say whom I love and respect, that as she tucks her children into bed at night that she is NOT OK with there being 132 million orphans in the world. Neither am I.

I can't do much. But by the grace of God I want to do everything I can. I can let God use me in the lives of 80 orphans on the coast of west Africa. I have many hopes and desires for these children. There are many things I can do from America to advocate on their behalf. But, it is my greatest joy to actually go and be with them. I love to spiritually encourage them and given them the love of a parent several weeks a year. Each time I leave them they beg me to return. What I think they will never understand, no matter how many times I tell them, is that I need them more than they need me!

I want to share a quote from Steven Curtis Chapman because this too is our heart: "After our first trip to China, my wife and I knew our lives were changing -- our eyes and hearts were opening to how big God really is, and we have wanted to experience more of that,"

"We've really wondered whether or not we should just go to China and stay there. But I don't think so. I believe God is saying, 'I want you to go, get your heart broken, your eyes opened, and then take this story back to the church in America and around the world."' .

I too desire this. I can not do this without your help. I humbly ask you to consider giving towards my trip. I will be traveling to Sierra Leone December 28th through January 9th. My promise to those who give is to do everything I can while I am there to strengthen and encourage these precious ones. I promise to work hard helping them with their education. I promise to love them deeply!

I still need $900 to be able to purchase my plane ticket. I am behind on my first deadline. If you would like to give all donations are tax deductible. You can make your checks payable to 4HIM ministries or OASIS ministries to receive tax credit. You can mail them to me at 1700 Godhania Rd. Edmond, OK 73003.

Thank you so much for loving, encouraging and supporting me. I love the body of Christ. I love you all!

In His Love,

Shanna Crawford

http://pushingbackdarkness.com/ (the Sierra Leone blog) http://shannacrawford.blogspot.com/ (my personal blog)

http://www.4-him.net/ (4HIM's website)

Walking through a Severe Trial

In Acts chapter 15 Paul is travelling around preaching and encouraging churches in various regions. He tries to enter Bythnia but verse 7 says 'The Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to.' That night Paul had a vision of a man from Macadonia begging for Paul to come help them. Paul immediately obeys concluding that God had called them to preach the gospel to the people of Macedonia.

A few things happened as a result of his obedience. When looking for a place of prayer he came across a group of women. As Paul began sharing the gospel with them the Lord opened a woman named Lydia's heart to the message. Not only did she become a believer, but her entire family was baptized!

Another thing happened. He was led, by the Spirit of Jesus I might remind you, into a severe trial. Paul cast a demon out of a slave girl that was making a lot of money for her owners. When they brought Paul and Silas before the magistrates, they ordered them to be stripped and beaten. They were SEVERELY flogged and thrown into prison. The jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. In the middle of the night Paul and Silas began praying and singing hymns to God...and the other prisoners were listening to them. Oh how I love this! Suddenly there was a violent earthquake and at once all the prisoners' doors flew open and their chains came loose. When the jailer woke up and discovered this he asked what he must do to be saved. He took them to his family's house. His entire family was baptized. The jailer was filled with joy because he and his entire family had come to believe in God. It is implied that all of the prisoners became believers also.

The next day the magistrates ordered for Paul and Silas to be released.

Reading this made me reflect on my own life. I began thinking of severe trials that I was led into by 'the Spirit of Jesus' and what affect they had on my life and the lives of others.

For several years I have desired to have many children. A few years ago I had my third miscarriage. Although I barely escaped death, I was left unable to conceive another baby. I remember waking up after surgery and feeling a deep sadness, but an even deeper peace. I did not know why God had allowed this to happen, but I knew He had. I did not understand why I still had a strong desire to have many children, but I knew God had placed it there. Over the next few days I was emotionally distraught. Even though I felt sad I began praising Him for who He was, for all He had done in my life, and even praising Him for allowing me to walk through the trial with Him. He gave me the grace to know He was sovereign and trustworthy no matter what my circumstances were. I knew that He was all I needed, He was more than enough. In praising Him I found strength to surrender my own plans.

Now here I am several years later. He has given me more children over the last few years than I could have possibly given birth to in that time. He has given me a sweet teenage god daughter who lives with us. He connected our family with hers, making us one family in Christ. He took me to Sierra Leone, Africa and gave me many children who do not have moms. He has grafted them into our family despite the distance and time in between us. He has given me another teenage god daughter through a bible study I lead and allowed me to partner with her parents to love her. He has enlarged my heart to expand beyond what I knew was possible. In giving up my natural ability to have children, He has supernaturally exceeded my expectations and fulfilled my desires in the most wonderful way. He has shown me that nothing is impossible with Him.

He led me through a sever trial. But in the process He produced in me things that could be accomplished no other way. He used my trial to open my heart to His plans and desires which brought blessing not only to me but to others. I will walk through any trial He leads me to, because I know that He is trustworthy and His ways are perfect.

This year was my best mother's day. I got flowers and a card from Wendy, a card and gift from Wendy's mom, cards and gifts from the sons I gave birth to, a phone conversation with one of my African sons, a card and gift from Hope, a card from Hope's parents, roses and $100 to give to any need I want from my husband (that man knows me too well).

He is more than enough. He has exceeded my expectations. He can lead me through any trial He sees fit. I trust Him. He is all I need.

My Love

I REALLY am married to the most amazing man on the planet. I am convinced that he is one of the very few who actually 'get me' and loves me anyway. I am a godly woman today because He has allowed the Lord to love me through him. I was not always easy to love, and I am still not at times!

He has always supported me in my various ministry addictions. He has been the one to keep me focused and balanced, yet cheering me on all the way. If it weren't for his encouragement I would have never got on that first plane to Sierra Leone. Because he loves me so much he keeps encouraging me to return to our African family. I wish I had words to describe how wonderful this man of mine is.

I wll let you read his words so you can see his heart. He gave me a card the last time I returned from Sierra Leone. Here is what it said:

Wife,

You being away is something "I will never get used to." I feel such a deep appreciation for you right now. To think that God has given me a one in a million woman like you helps me know that He loves me. No one that I know has the inner and outer beauty that you have. But I want you to know that I appreciate all of the things you do. It is so beautiful to see how you love our boys and Wendy. How you take care of us. You are truly a servant of HIM. And it makes me so proud of you that you are loving our children in Africa the way you do. I know God is moving through you to love the orphans. You are loving HIM in the deepest way. I do not deserve to be with someone so giving. But now that I have been blessed with your company I can never get used to being away from you.

Love,
Jerome

Serving God's Purpose In Our Own Generation

I am reading through the book of Acts right now. Last night I was reading chapter 13. Several things stuck out to me.

Paul was in the synagogue at Antioch and the leaders told him to stand up if he had a word of encouragement for the people. Paul then stands and tells the people how God led the children of Israel out of Egypt. The Israelites were tired of having Judges and asked for a king and he gave them Saul. After removing Saul he made David their king.

This is what God said about David in verse 32. I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.

Paul then goes on to tell them about John preparing the way for Jesus by preaching repentance and baptism. He then tells the story of Jesus death and resurrection so that Salvation could be offered to ALL.

Something else stuck out to me concerning David in verse 36. It says For when David had served God's purpose in his own generation he fell asleep.

Paul then goes on to tell the people about the grace of Salvation...about being justified by faith apart from the law. The people wanted to hear more and invited him and Barnabas to come back the next sabbath to explain further. When so many responded the following sabbath the jews became angry. Paul and Barnabas told the people that God had called them to be a light to the Gentiles to bring salvation to the ends of the earth. Many of the gentiles responded by believing.

Even though the word of the Lord spread throughout that region, the jews stirred up 'GOD-FEARING' women and men against them to expel them from that city. The super cool thing is that they just shook the dust from their feet in protest against them and went on to the next city. Then the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit. The joy of the Lord was their strength!

My point in all of this is that in this one tiny part of God's story in history, several different people were called to a certain purpose. David was called to be a king, John was called to preach repentance and baptism, Paul was called to be preach salvation, the gentiles were called to spread the word of God. Because of what we know about these men's lives from reading other parts of the scriptures, we know they all faced great opposition at certain times, yet they were still faithful to their call by the grace of God. And then things were said of them like what was said about David, For when David had served God's purpose in his own generation he fell asleep. How cool! David screwed up a bunch, yet he loved God so much and had the joy of knowing at the end of his life that he had served God's purpose in his own generation.

I want this to be said at the end of my life too, and the lives of every Christ follower throughout the earth.

There are some things as Christians, we are ALL called to do. We are called to spread the gospel, give to those in need, encourage one another, help the oppressed, take care of orphans and widows, share the love of Christ with a hurting world in various ways and at ALL times!

I pray that, like David, we are all men and women after God's own heart to the point that we are doing everything the Lord wants us to do. I pray at the end of our lives that God will say of us that we served His purposes in our own generation.

Dear Lord,

I keep a journal that is mainly letters written to God, with scriptures scribbled throughout. I thought I would share what I wrote this morning during my Treasure Time.

Lord,

How fitting to start a new journal on this day. You are reminding me that your mercies are new every morning and your compassions never fail. Lord, yesterday morning I asked you to take me deeper still...to strip me from anything that was keeping me from loving more deeply. I asked for the ability to love stronger, deeper than ever before. By the afternoon you had begun answering that prayer.

Lord, my human love is simply not enough. In fact, it gets in the way. Lord, you do not wish to strip me of relationships, but to strip me of my own human love that I'm investing in them. Only your super-natural, unfailing love will do. This requires all of my attention, devotion and affection to be focused on you and you alone. When I abandon myself to you in this way, it is then that you love people deeply though me.

How easy I allow my heart and emotions to deceive me into thinking I can make any sort of eternal difference with my own, weak, human love. Lord, you are full of grace and mercy. You understand that I am dust. You understand that I am weak. Yet, you do not stand by waiting to condemn me when I fail. Instead you patiently wait for me to look to you and ask you to perfect your strength through my weakness. You delight in every simple effort to please you. You somehow take my child-like stumblings and with the loving kindness of a perfect parent, pick me up and set me on the right path. It is your kindness that led me to repentance all those years ago and still does even now.

Lord, you can have all of me. This is what you desire most...my whole life, all of my attention, affection and devotion. It is then that you love others through me most effectively. Lord, I am more in awe of your grace, more in love with you, more abandoned to you today than I was yesterday. Even this is only by your grace. You alone are my heart's desire.

I love you!
Your daughter

EVE's April outreach update

I was a topless dancer in Oklahoma City from ages 18 to 20. I danced in Dallas from ages 20 to 22. This is the lifestyle God rescued me from. I am thrilled to be serving with a ministry that is reaching out to the topless dancers of Oklahoma City. With the power of His love we are pushing back darkness and pursuing these precious women with His kindness. Please read the highlights from our April outreach written by my good friend Delissa.

April's outreach blew our minds!

We walked into the first club and within seconds the name of Jesus belted through the speakers. This set the tone for the entire rest of the evening. His name high and lifted up!

At the very next club, we had our first opportunity to sit down and gladly lend an ear to a girl that was in an abusive situation at home. It wasn't by way of our prodding, though. We simply stood there in amazement as the bar staff and patrons alike welcomed us into the "intervention." A gentleman at the bar cheered us on and said, "what you guys are doing is really needed." The bartender went as far as to say, "Jill, you have had such a hard day and you've been saying how badly you need someone to talk to! This is not a coincidence that these women came in tonight!" Secretly I thought to myself, don't answer that! After the initial shock of the fact that we were about to have a sit-down right there in the middle of a club, I hopped on to the Spirit's shoulders and went with it. After listening to her, we were able to share with her that God has never and will never let us down!

Then at another stop, we were able to be the shoulders to cry on. We passed a sweet girl from shoulder to shoulder as tears poured down her cheeks. She started by saying "I love Jesus, we just fall short sometimes, ya know?" We said we knew EXACTLY what she meant. She followed with, "I have been wanting to go to church, but I don't have anyone to go with me." We told her we would go with her to any church she chose! She just cried and cried. You could tell it even surprised her how God was moving in her to soften her heart. I'm pretty sure meeting up with openly, Spirit-filled humans wasn't on her radar that Friday night. She needed a good safe place to experience herself as the sweet creation she is and we got to be there and be a part of it!

God is so amazing!! No, REALLY AMAZING!!

Thank you all who supplied lotion, financial support and conversations with God on their behalf...I hope this gives you a glimpse into the work you are a part of.

May's gift is a personal size bottle of bubble bath! We are wanting to add 2 more clubs this month, so we are needing 150 bottles. Go body of Christ, go! Eternal beings UNITE!
Love is a lifestyle...

luvluv
d

He is the Answer

It has been over 12 years since I first started chasing after Him. I would have never dreamed that it was going to be like this. I have been through different phases of 'ministry.' I have been through different phases of 'healing.' While everything around me seems ever-changing, He has been the one constant in my life. I have found He has always been and always will be the Answer. I have also found my 'healing' comes through 'ministry.'

In laying my issues on the alter, putting my focus on loving Him by loving others, my healing comes. In going where He leads me, no matter the sacrifice, joy comes. In my weakness, crying out to Him, strength comes. In confusion, choosing to trust Him, peace comes. In surrendering my dreams to take on His desires I am given more than I could possibly hope for. As I live out the crucified life I am finding purpose beyond measure. In losing my life for His sake I am finding it, every day.

Some days I feel so close to Him that I could fly away...so full of love for Him and others that my heart could burst. Some days I feel as though I am drowning in my weakness. One day I feel as though I am living and moving in step with His Spirit. The next day I feel as though my emotions are leading me to places far from Him.

As I allow Him to sift my emotions through His Truth day after day this is what I find. My life is not about me. It is not about my comfort and happiness or any other good feeling I may try to conjure up with the help of a little god. When I buy into this lie I am trapped. When I believe the Truth I am set free. The Truth is that I was created in the image of Christ. My life has always been intended to look like His. This includes humility, sacrifice, servant hood, love. True love, the kind that chooses to do what is right...the kind that seeks another's highest good over my own...the kind of love that does not ignore poverty or oppression but seeks justice...the kind of love that proves itself through action!

It is my prayer that my life would look more like this every day. It is my desire that I would decrease so that He can increase. May every person who is chasing after Christ with me live the crucified life, walk in the truth and share His love with a hurting world. His love is the Solution. He always was and always will be The Answer!

Matthew 16:24-26
24Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whoever wants to save his life[h] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. 26What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

We love you as Christ does...

Hi Mom Shanna,
To my sweet Mom Shanna, the one who I have in my dream always with the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you for your time you spend with us, it helps us to learn more about God and we love it. Mom Shanna I want you to know that you are such a precious woman who has been a blessing to us. We want you to know we love you as Christ does. I want you to know that you are beautiful, precious and blessed in heaven. You show love to us as a parent and we will never forget it in our life time in this earth and also in heaven. I hope one day we will see you again together as one in heaven. I want you to know that God is sending you into this world to do His work and to save His people. Mom Shanna thank you so much for your gifts you send us, like the bibles, the dressing, the word you share with us and the rest of the things that I can't be able to remember. I want you to know that I love you mom Shanna. I like you so much mom. You are the one who I have in my dream. I love you mom.
From your daughter Mary 1 Rugiatu Kamara

Mary is so precious to me. My second visit we let the kids decorate T-shirts with puffy paint. Most of them wrote their favorite verses and then wore them proudly. Mary came to me and told me we had run out of T-shirts before she got one. I gave her one of my tank tops to decorate. Later that evening she brought it to me and gave it back as a gift. I held it out expecting to read her favorite bible verse. Instead, she had wrote in big letters 'I LOVE YOU MOM.' This was such a picture of God's love for me personally. I was willing to go to Africa to give and serve, yet one of the main reasons He sent me was to pour His love into my life through these precious ones. Mary was loving me as Christ does...a love that I do not deserve!

The greatest of these is love.

Hello Mum Shanna,

It is a great pleasure to write you this letter. This is one of my best trips you have ever visited us. I really enjoy this trip, you are such a good and sweet mum to me. I hope July trip will be like this one by hugging each other, going to the market, playing football match. The smile you gave me always makes me to feel good and happy. You will always be in my heart and also in my prayers. Your encouragement towards me makes me to turn my sorrow to joy. Just like what the bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:13 "Now faith, hope and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love." And your love towards me is so great. Please extend my greetings to my Dad Jerome and my three brothers at home.

Much Love,
Abu Bakarr (Big)

Oh how I love this boy! He is ALWAYS smiling. I am not exaggerating. He has the brightest, most beautiful smile of anyone I have ever known. He is the captain of the White Lions football team and takes great pride in this role. He often dances even when no one is around and there is no music playing. He is free-spirited. He lives to serve and serves with a happy heart. He is one of the first children in the home to attend a university. He is confident in the Lord's plans for Him. He believes God will use him to change his nation, so do I! He has become a son to me.

The love that the Lord gives you is the love that you give us.

Mom Shanna,

It is a wonderful time to write you this letter. I am so excited to know you through you coming into this home to have more time with us. May God bless you and keep you and your family safe. I want to say thank you for your wonderful work to us. You make us to know more about God. The love that the Lord gives you is the love that you give us. I love you so much. Thank you for everything that you have done for us. Thank you for giving us everything but the most thing that I want to thank you for is the word of God that you give us.

I love you,

Victoria

My most recent trip was the first time I spent time with Victoria. I fell in love with her. I found out from one of the boys that after my first visit in June, she wanted to take my name as her own. I am so glad the Lord connected our hearts on this latest trip. She is always laughing and smiling. When I think of her, even now, I think of the joy of the Lord. She is one of the 4 children who oversee the library. She is a hard worker. She is on the girls' White Lions soccer team. She is absolutely beautiful! I am constantly thinking of her and my heart longs to be with her again. She has become my daughter.