Tuesday, November 30, 2010

There is Only One

This was the last line I read this morning in My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers...

There is only one relationship that matters, and that is your personal relationship to a personal Redeemer and Lord. Let everything else go, but maintain that at all costs, and God will fulfil His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God's purposes, and yours may be that life.

When I am not maintaining my relationship with the Lord by spending time with Him, nothing else is in sync...the rythm of my life is off...because He is my life. If I am not allowing Him to fill me day after day, what do I have to pour into any other relationship that has any True worth and value? I can not count on any other relationship to provide what only He can. I should not look to others to satisfy me the way only God is suppose to. I should not give my highest affections to anyone except the One I was created to worship for all of my days. If I believe that He is the One who gives me my very next breath...and holds my very life together by His power, then why would I not make my relationship with Him my very, highest priority?

Even though spending time with Him may cost me sleep, time with my kids, comfort or even popularity...I must choose to maintain this precious relationship between me and my Lord. I must choose, at times, to let everything else go and just sit in His Presence! Nothing compares, NOTHING!

By His grace, I have made spending time with Him a habitual practice over my years of being a Christian. My life is a living testimony that He fulfills His purposes through our lives when we make Him our highest Treasure. As we spend time with Him, He reveals to us the desires of His heart...and they become our own desires. He reveals to us His plans and purposes and then allows us to walk in them. The great and mighty One accomplishes His will through our weak and broken lives simply because we lay ourselves before Him day after day.

One day, we will cast aside all other relationships as we live for all of eternity in the only One that really matters!!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Watch and Wait

I have been feeling discontent and disconnected from God recently. I can't go on very long like this because I become miserable. I have become so addicted to Him, so dependant on Him to sustain me emotionally that even when I try to find satisfaction outside of Him I just end up running right back.

The last few words in My Utmost for His Highest this morning was this: Wherever there is a spiritual drain in your life, correct it immediately. Realize that something has been coming in between you and God, and change or remove it at once.

With that thought resonating with me...I read through a few chapters of Proverbs and landed here: Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway. Proverbs 8:34

I had to ask myself, am I DAILY watching at his doors and waiting at His doorway for Him to satisfy the longings of my soul, or am I watching at the doors of the world and waiting at the doorway of our culture for my satisfaction?

I humbled myself and chose to worship Him. I literally got on my knees and turned up the volume on my ipod and sang out to Him as loud as I needed to drown out my own pestering thoughts! His Presence became life to me, I found freedom and joy down there on my knees. Now, it doesn't always happen this way, but today I it did and I am rejoicing.

He is all we need! If we believe this is true then our greatest desire should be more of Him! To have more of Him we need less of us. To have less of us we must allow Him to strip us of our little gods and tear down the alters left up by our forefathers. We must choose to go against the grain of our culture and press into Him. We must DAILY listen to His Voice, not the voice of the world. We must DAILY watch at His doors! Not the doors of our culture. He has fullness of joy and freedom waiting at His doorway for us!

This morning I realized the things that are a spiritual drain in my life, and by the power of the Holy Spirit was able to correct it immediately. I realized the thoughts that were coming between me and God and I removed them at once by getting on my knees and focusing my thoughts on the greatness of God in worship. (Your spiritual drain and distractions are likely different from mine, but I am certain if you are reading this you have the same common struggle.)

It doesn't always happen this way. I am not always obedient. I do not always do what I know to do to be closer to God. But today I did, by His power at work within me...so I am rejoicing! I am also sharing with you so you might seek Him out to and experience the sweetness only His Presence can bring!

Just as He calls us to listen for His Voice, watch and wait for Him, I believe He also waits and watches DAILY for us to wake up and lift our voices to Him before we do to anyone else.

As I was typing this, our 5 year old came into our bedroom. Right after I prayed for him and tucked him into bed last night, I told him I would miss him while he was sleeping. I also told him as soon as he woke up I wanted him to come straight to my room so we could snuggle. He did just that. He came stumbling in, half asleep, crawled into bed with me and snuggled. I told him that I missed him so much while he was sleeping. I told him that he is so precious to me. I couldn't help but think that if I feel this way about my son as an evil parent in comparison to God, how much more does God feel this way about me....and you as our Perfect parent!

Monday, November 22, 2010

CHRIST IS ALL!

My morning so far has been spent taking care of children. My neice and nephew are visiting for the day :)

My morning has also been spent worshipping Him...

I am determined to worship Him in everything. Oh I fail SO much!! But this is my chief goal...in all things to give Him praise. Wether well fed or hungry, in sickness or in health, in chaos or in quiet. I want to worship Him. Cleaning dishes, folding laundry, reading a book to our boys, talking to a hurting friend, driving in my car, laying in my bed, returning emails, raising money for my African children, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, ironing Jerome's shirts, disciplining fighting kids...you get the picture :)

The more I choose to worship Him in the mundane tasks of life as well as the things that bring me great joy, the less content I am with this world and it's system...the more I long to be united fully with Christ! I want my whole life to have a flovor of worship and true devotion to the One worthy of all my praise!

I daily face the struggle between my flesh and spirit. Somedays my flesh wins, but oh the days that it doesn't and I give Christ complete reign!!! There is life and freedom found only in Him. Christ is ALL!

Sometimes I feel like Job before the Lord allowed Satan to strip him of everything. I feel so blessed. I am able to stay home with our boys and listen to worship music all day. I am able to pour into the lives of people all over the world. I am able to mother many children that I did not carry in my womb. I am able to be a part of a biblical community and wide circle of believers that stretches across continents. I have people who faithfully pray for me and encourage me. I get to see people's lives transformed by the power of Christ all the time. I have a husband that literally, daily, lays down his life for me and loves God more than anyone I have ever known. But what I often tell the Lord is that I want to know that I would still praise Him if He were to strip all of that from me...if He were to give me poverty, sickness and take away my family and friends. Would I still worship Him? Would I still give Him the glory due to His Name? I want to position my life and heart in such a way that when my circumstances fail, I know that Christ has not changed and therefore I can stand firm! So today, I am praising Him while everything is 'running smoothly' so that tomorrow, when everything likely won't be, I have a firm foundation to stand on.

My heart is longing for every follower of Christ to press into Him with me. If your day, month or year is good or bad, praise Him! Through laughter or tears, praise Him! Let your soul find complete satisfaction in Christ alone. He is worthy! He is SO worthy!

I am burdened, yet hopeful for MANY people I personally know who are hurting right now. I am honored to be intimately acquainted with these precious ones so that I can pray and help carry their burden in this way. My prayer for each of them today is that they would lift their hands, hearts and lives in worship to Him right where they are at....right in the middle of the chaos. Because one day soon, oh that glorious day, we will no longer be seperated, even for a second from the One we love most...not by our circumstances, our trials, our sin, or our flesh. We will be one with our sweet Saviour! That alone is reason enough to confess His goodness no matter what we feel at this moment.

So, today in my joy, with worship music playing in the back ground and the breeze blowing through open windows and the sweet sound of children's voices who I love so much playing in the back yard...I choose to praise Him!

Tomorrow, if my day starts with whiny children who interrupt my Treasure Time and I have a head ache and my boys refuse to obey me and Jerome comes home in a grumpy mood I want to choose to praise Him. If the next day, Jerome and the boys never come home because they die in a car wreck, oh Lord, let me still praise you! If the next day I find out I have a terminal ilness, let my very last breath, as I slip from this earth into Your eternal Presence, be in praise to you! Please make us this kind of Church so the world will look on and desire You!!!

Tomorrow the earth itself falls into the sea, let us praise Him because the reality is not this earth that we live on for a few short years, the Reality is that CHRIST IS ALL!

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Good News!

I have so many more things to write about Africa...but God has me in a place where I am sharing the gospel right here in America...in fact in my very own home.

This has not caught me off guard. In fact the Lord has been convicting my heart in how important it is to share the good news of His free gift of salvation to all men. This is our highest calling...(next to simply spending time with Him). Yet, it is the area I focus the least on in my christian life.

The whole reason He died is so that we might accept this free invitation to have fellowship with Him for all of eternity. Our life is a mist and a vapor, we are here on this earth for but a moment and then for all eternity we are somewhere. We are either in the Presence of God, never again to be separated from His love, or in hell never again having a chance to be with the One we were created by and for.

As the years are passing by faster and faster I am not wanting to waste even a day. I want my whole life to count for Him. I do not want to miss an opportunity to share Him with others.

OK, so I say that....

I come home from Africa and God puts a 16 year old girl, who I have already witnessed to on our door step. I know that she doesn't know Christ, and doesn't want to from a previous conversation I had with her. I was so happy when she decided to stay. I was certain in a matter of days she would give her life to Him. HA! God tricked me!!!

I have begged Him to draw her, convict her, save her! I have asked the most godly people I know to pray. I have even fasted :) It has been like 3.2 weeks and no salvation. UGH!

So now I am weary...weary of 'sharing the gospel.' Weary of dragging someone to church that doesn't want to go. Weary of peeking over during the salvation prayer and her hand not being raised. Weary of sitting on her bed telling her how much Jesus loves her and how much she needs Him only to have her look at me with a blank stare.

I have not one single ounce of power to convict or draw or save her. I am completely dependant on Him.

I am also facing the fact that in the scriptures I see many who were called by God to preach the good news to those who would not only reject the message but persecute the messengers in the process. I know that our responsibility as a Christ follower is to present the gospel and leave the rest up to God. So much easier said than done.

Me and the boys are reading about persecuted Christians all over the world. Today we read about Christians in Iran and Pakistan. Iran's population is only 0.33 percent Christians. Why didn't I know that? Why didn't I care before? We read about a 6 year old boy witnessing to his teacher and an 86 year old man who refused to deny Christ and was tortured for it in this past year.

And here I sit in a country where I don't have to secretly read my bible, gather with other believers or share the gospel with those around me because I might go to jail or be tortured for it or even put to death and yet many times I don't do any of these things near as much as I should. I am living in a country that calls itself a christian nation, yet very few want to hear that they need to give their whole life to Him if they want to be saved. They have the truth readily available to them and yet refuse to accept it.

I don't want to just stay in my Christian bubble, or go downtown and feed the homeless and check my good deed off the list for the week either. I don't want to go half way across the world to feed orphans, yet overlook my neighbor accross the street that I am certain doesn't know Christ.

And many people, like me, don't want to share the gospel with others in America because they convince themselves that everyone has already heard it and if not, they surely said a prayer when they were 5 and must be OK with God.

So instead of whining that the teen aged girl asleep in the other room would rather turn to drugs instead of Jesus. I should, in fact, be rejoicing at the opportunity God has given me by bringing her to my door step...to share His good news with someone so precious to Him. (Even if she leaves tomorrow and I see no result from the investment in her life!)

It is not my responsibility to make her accept His love. It is my responsibility to offer it.

If she continues to reject His message and even me for presenting it, then again, I should rejoice that He is allowing me to share in His sufferings.

I am asking Him to give me His heart for the lost. I was once that 16 year old girl...He pursued me as He is pursuing her. He allowed my sin to take me to a place where I was miserable and saw my need for Him. And then when I finally surrendered to His love, I am certain he threw a party for me...just as He did you if you are His.

So all of this should spur me on to preach the gospel in all the earth, even right here in America in my own home. I should not stop there, but I should REJOICE that I have been called as an ambassador for my Lord and Savior to hold out His message of Hope to he world!

In His Name alone we are saved and made whole...in His Name ALONE!

(If you are reading this...I BEG you to pray for this sweet girl's salvation)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Greatness of Our God / My Wickedness Revealed

This was written by my husband while I was in Africa this last time...

I started to call our on my God. My mind drifted so much. Several times I started to get up. I really was angry with myself for being so distracted. "God is here and I cannot even focus on Him." Then the song, "Your Presence" and I started begging God for His Presence. Then, "Forever Reign" and I asked Him to reign in my wicked ehart. Then, "The Greatness of our God" came on and I asked to see His greatness for I knew this is always the answer!

Forget my weakness and see His Strength!!

Give me eyes to see More of who You are. May what I behold, still my anxious heart.

Take what I have known And break it all apart. For You my God, are greater still.

No sky contains. No doubt restrains. All You are. The greatness of our God.

I spend my life to know. And I'm far from close to all You are. The greatness of our God.

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here. To believe that there is nothing left to fear.

That You alone are high above it all. For You my God, are greater still.

And there is nothing that can ever separate us. There is nothing that can ever separate us from Your love.

No life, no death, of this I am convinced. You my God, are greater still.

My heart was lit on fire! There it is!! The GREATNESS OF OUR GOD! That I cannot be separated from HIM! Here I sit 18 years after giving my life to Him and I still struggle with running to empty things and sometimes do! Here I sit letting my mind drift to empty things BUT HE STILL DOES NOT LEAVE ME! What a miracle! It was amazing , beyond my understanding, the He saved me in the first place.

But how much more amazing is it that he does not leave me after 18 years of sin. There has not been a day that I have not fell short! Sure most of the outward sin is gone. Sure he has purified me for those 18 years but I still fall short every day. This is the greatest of all miracles! It is so funny to me that some act as if miracles are not real. They have a hard time believing in the Virgin birth, the parting of the Red Sea. HAHA! Are you kidding me those are child's play, of course if there is a God those things are easy.

Hearing that God ALMIGHTY parted the Red sea is like hearing that I was able to breathe! It is such a simple power that I do not even have to think to perform it. Instead the critic should say, "You expect me to believe that God stays with You!" Some are amazed that God parted the Red Sea I am amazed that He took the rebellious Israelites through it! Some are amazed that He raised Lazarus from the dead I am amazed when he says about those mourning that, "He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." (John 11) Some are amazed that He healed the woman with the issue of blood. (Luke 8:43) but I am amazed that he told her, "Go in peace."

I am amazed that I have spit in the face of the Almighty! That I have cried "Crucify Him!"...that I have at times traded my time with Him for a bowl of soup!

And yet He HAS FILLED ME WITH PEACE TONIGHT! WITH NO ONE ELSE TO FILL ME I AM FILLED WITH HIM!

"What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" (Psalm 8:4) If I heard that you consumed the stars for breakfast and planets for a snack it would not amaze me. The heavens themselves are a small wonder compared to YOUR DAILY FORGIVENESS FROM THOSE WHO CALL ON YOUR NAME! AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN YOU FORGIVE US! We have murdered Your Son! But through Him we now are your sons and will be his servants!! HAHA! I cannot stop laughing at how ironic is. We get to be your children! If I was a critic that is what i would attack. That God would listen to me tonight and give me peace! WOW! AWESOME!! GLORY!!! BEYOND OUR IMAGINATIONS!! LIFE GIVING! EMPOWERING! What a great miracle is there other than me laying down in Peace with His Blessing and Presence.

Behold the Greatness of Our God!!

Behold the Greatness of our God! That I can lay my head on the pillow tonight and be at peace with HIM

Thursday, October 7, 2010

An Adventurous Weekend In Africa

Hello My Sweet Friends and Family!


I am back from my home away from home :) Shana Rutz and I, or Shanna squared as we are now called, had the most amazing trip! I know I say this every time, but this really was my favorite visit to Sierra Leone. My heart is more connected with our African family than ever before. I have a treasure of memories stored in my heart and have been pondering them day after day.


I had the honor of spending a lot of time with Pastor Hassan and Pastor Abraham. They are precious men of God who I can say with great confidence are working for food that does not spoil. Their chief focus is to see the good news of the gospel preached through words and actions throughout the poorest, most desolate and overlooked places in their nation. Whatever church they plant, school they start, need they meet is all a way to present the gospel to the people of their country. I truly believe their desire is to see men, women and children come close to the One who has the power to save, heal and make whole.


We went away for the weekend with them and two of my African sons. It was an adventure filled with laughter, tears, eating meals together, singing worship songs and deep discussions about the God we all love so much. It was a gift to me that I will always treasure. It was an experience that deepened our bond as one family in Christ.


Our first stop was in a town called Makeni were Pastor Bo and his wife, Teresa lead a church. We helped interview teachers for a school in a village out in the country called Matumbo. This was very interesting. The applicants were asked to come work even though they may not be paid for up to 3 months. They were asked to prove they would be faithful to their wives and also to teach the children about Christ. The applicants all agreed to these conditions. Very different from an American interview :) Shana and I wandered around the village and talked and laughed and prayed with the people. AAAWWW it was just so perfect! I wish you all could have been with me.


Next, we headed to Matumbo. A woman named Katherine Sanders collected over 1,000 pair of shoes and had them shipped on a container. We had the joy of delivering these shoes. We took 800 pair to the students at a school in Matumbo. This is a remote village that children walk for miles to attend. The shoes were necessary for them to attend classes. God did something special for me. He connected me with a teacher who is a single mom of a 3 year old little girl. (He has given me a special heart for single moms). I loved ministering to her so much! She is so precious. Shana was able to find her a pair of shoes too. I hope to see her again!


Then we drove a few hours in the rain and mud through the bush to a REALLY remote village called Mansumana. After crossing a river on a very, scary ferry we could go no further because of the mud. We took another route to try to find lodging for the night and met a little boy on the side of the road. Pastor Hassan immediately insisted we stop so we could give the little boy a pair of shoes. This was my favorite part! We all got out in the rain and mud while one of my African sons, Solomon helped the little boy find a pair of shoes that fit.


This is our God, He would drive hours in the rain and mud, through impassable roads, just to give us a pair of shoes so we might know His love and care for us!


I didn't mind the rain, I didn't mind the VERY bumpy roads, I didn't mind the long, full day of ministry in the heat and chaos....no I didn't mind at all because there was a deep peace and joy on the inside of me knowing that I was doing His will, doing what He would do if He were on the earth, and I was doing this along side those I love deeply! In fact, though my day started while it was still dark and went late into the night, I didn't want it to end. I wanted to take in all that He wanted to show me.


The next day Pastor Hassan spent the first several hours studying and preparing for the message he was preaching later that afternoon. Me, Shana and the boys walked around the town we were staying in. Bakarr had gone to high school in this town so we stopped at one of his friends' houses. A man came up to us and gave us a track and witnessed to us while we were there. I loved this! Absolutely loved it! The deep desire for the gospel to go forth was evident every where I turned. This has spurred me on to boldly share Christ more with those in my own country!

We headed back to Makeni for an afternoon Thanksgiving service at a church there. This small congregation that meets in a make-shift tin building with a dirt floor was celebrating one year of their gatherings. Pastor Hassan was the guest speaker. Several of our kids from the home came to help with the service. It was a precious time! Shana and I were able to hold babies and talk with the women after the service before heading out again.

Next we visited a facility that housed blind chidren. It was not a home. It was an old slughter house for animals. The living conditions were terrible. It broke my heart. The children were joyful. A little girl happily sang a song for us and we were able to give her a pair of shoes. The few staff members were able to express their trust in God to provide despite the bleak living conditions. I left here with a very heavy heart.

We still had shoes left so we drove for a few hours and stopped at another village to deliver the rest of them. It was late at night and raining but the pastor and his wife met us on the road with smiling faces. We filled blankets full of shoes and piled them on the porch of one of the homes.

Just as I loved all the ministry packed into our two day trip, I loved the hours of time in the car having conversations about eternal things that last. At one point I asked Pastor Hassan, "How do you choose what projects to take on?" His response was, "If something breaks my heart, I pray and ask God to provide. Sister, you have to have faith. What is impossible with man is possible with God." He then told me, "I am something like a dreamer. I start things and then pass them on to others to run while I oversee. Even now I want to focus on just preaching the gospel." This man is not Jesus, he is not perfect, but his life has been devoted to doing the will of God in his impoverished country where many have been left with great needs and no hope as the result of a brutal war. I have seen with my own eyes and now know with my heart, is not easy, it is messy, it has brought trials, heart ache, persecution, sleepless nights, great temptation, slanderous accusations, betrayel of close friends, health problems, stress, exhaustion, seperation from those he loves and much, much more. His ministry is not glamorous. Who wants to drive hours to remote villages to deliver shoes so children can go to school, so children can know the provision of God? Who wants to preach to small congregregations in stuffy tin buildings with dirt floors. Who wants to make sure blind children are not overlooked? Who wants to be responsible for 100 orphans being fed, clothed and educated so they might be the Nehemiahs of their nation? Who wants to do all of this and so much more so that many would put their hope and trust in the One, True living God? Now, I can say I do because I have watched the lives and doctrine closely of those who are living their lives to do these things and more. Just as I want to honor my pastors here in America for following the call of God to lead and shepherd and meet the spiritual and physical needs of our own nation, I also want to honor Pastor Hassan. I believe we give honor where honor is due. I believe our Heroes should be those who make us want to be more like Christ. Hassan is one of those men for me now more than ever.


We are the body of Christ. We were created to be interdependant on one another. Where one is weak, another can help. God uses the lowly, despised things of the world to shame those who are wise in their own eyes.


I have so much more to share with you, so I hope you will keep reading in the days to come as I try to share with you the message I feel God has given me to bring back to my sweet American family.


I am not exalting men, I am exalting God.

I saw God shining brightly through the imperfection of human men. This is what amazes me. We are so weak. Our hearts are wicked and decieve us. Yet, the God of the universe chooses to use us, the weak, the lowly, the sinful, to prove Himself strong and powerful...to show His love to the poor and needy, to the strong and powerful, to glorify His son through our broken lives. So, while we know perfection is not attainable this side of eternity, yet we still strive for this. But what IS attainable is to be fully devoted to Him and His causes. When we seek Him with our whole heart, He pours out grace over all of our many imperfections, His love covers the multitude of sin living in our hearts day to day and He shines bright enough to be glorified through our fragile lives! He is the Treasure living inside of us. His is the power at work within us. So we bow down to Him, submit to Him and trust Him to be God through us. In doing this He is exalted in all the earth.

I was continually faced with my own weakness and inability to meet the most minor needs. But over and over and OVER He reminded me, HE IS ABLE. I did not go to Africa just to feed orphans. I went to Africa to glorify Him and allow Him to do whatever He chose through me for the two short weeks I was there. As my husband reminded me one night on the phone as I cried over my inability to meet all of the needs I was faced with...He did not call us because we were qualified. No, the ones who think they are qualified are the least likely to be used. It is the broken and contrite heart that He wants. It is the life that says, "I am nothing without You," that He desires to use. It is the person who lays down his life, his plans, his everything so that Christ can have complete reign. He is strong enough in our weakness. THERE IS NO OTHER GOD LIKE HIM!

I have returned to America realizing I have nothing to offer that He doesn't provide from His own hand...and whatever He provides is the right amount to give. He alone knows what is needed, I only need to keep my eyes focus on the eternal One, the eternal things that last and trust Him to live through me. Food is temporary, shoes are temporary, education is temporary, but relationships are eternal. My relationship with my sweet Savior and the people He has called me to do life with are more of my focus now. Everything we do should bring us closer to Him and the people He came to save.

So much more to come. I can't wait to write about our time with the precious children of the Wellington Orphanage.

Remember, OUR GOD IS ABLE, even when we are not!

(My camera is on its way from the London airport where I left it on the plane...thank God for Fed Ex! Pictures to come soon, Lord, willing).

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A FEW LOVED ONES, 2 HYMNALS, 1 BIBLE AND A COUPLE OF BREATHS TO ETERNITY


My husband wrote this several weeks back after visiting Dwight Bruss in the hospital before he passed away....


I just got back from witnessing a beautiful sight!


For my lunch hour I went to visit Dwight Bruss at the hospital. The news was not good with Dwight so I was kind of startled when I arrived and saw Angie and Ann holding Hymnals singing over him. Soon Brian joined in and the beautiful voices were brightening a place usually associated with pain. Then I noticed something more amazing! Dwight’s face was lighting up!! The muscles in his face where coming alive! Twitching! There was no sound that I could hear but clear as day HE WAS SINGING TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY WITH WHAT HE HAD LEFT! He could not breathe on his own. He could not feed himself. He could not lift his arm but he was not letting that stop him.


The only thing standing between him and eternity was few loved ones, 2 hymnals, 1 bible and a couple of hundred breaths but he was just as alive as ever!


Isn’t that true for all of us! How Beautiful! How Powerful! You can take everything from the Man of God but he is still ALIVE in Him!


It reminded me of a song from Tim Hughes called “When the Tears Fall.”

In the lone hour, of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
you surround me, and sustain me
my Defender, forever more
when hope is lost, I'll call you Savior
when pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart.

I will praise you, I will praise you
when the tears fall, still I will sing to you
I will praise you, Jesus praise you
through the suffering still I will sing.

When hope is lost, I’ll call you Saviour
when pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart.


On the way home I had two thoughts.


1. “LORD, give me the same Spirit!”


That even when my body fails me my Spirit will still desire you so much that my body will shake with animation! That even when I cannot move that my light would still shine and brighten a room when YOUR PRAISES ARE SUNG! That those around me would see that even when the flesh fails that I AM STILL ALIVE IN YOU! AND I WILL!! WITH MY LAST BREATH I WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR GLORY!! WHEN I WALK THROUGH FIRE I WILL NOT BE BURNED!! NO ONE!! NOTHING CAN CONTAIN THE PASSION OF KNOWING YOU!!! WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS MY SOUL WILL DANCE WITH YOU! WHERE THE LOVE LAST FOREVER!


2. That the man who trusts in HIM is forever powerful!


Even when Dwight could not lift a finger to help anyone just the power of his spirit still influenced the core of my being that day. And the room was filled with those who will never be the same because of the God who he had served! The wicked will exert their power within the moment and then they will be stripped naked and filled with shame. Everything they do will blow away in the wind and be forgotten. But OUR GOD MAKES US FOREVER POWERFUL! EVEN OUR LAST BREATH WILL SEND RIPPLES THROUGH ETERNITY!


Lord, thank you for the Life and Death of Dwight Bruss! Thank you for his weakness which became your strength. May the power of his life continue to change all of us. May we follow in his footsteps and run to YOUR OPEN ARMS! As everyone of us comes down to our last few breaths may we sing Your praise. Just as when you were down to your last few breaths you thought of us.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

He Takes Great Delight in You!

I am sitting here loving the wind and the way it blows my weeping willow tree and makes me think of the goodness of God. I have loved sitting here this morning and just being still before Him, enjoying His Presence. I am so thankful for these morning times with Him, not having to be rushed, not having to worry about anything, just sitting still with Him.

I have been thinking about how much He loves to be with us. He gets pleasure when we spend time with Him. He loves and longs for our fellowship, our attention, our affection. We were created to be the object of His affection and Him to be the object of ours. This drives me to want to spend even more time with Him.

Yesterday I woke up, laid in my bed, read a few chapters of scripture and fell back asleep. When I woke back up, I rushed into my day, not stopping to really be with Him first. My day was off. I am not saying there is a formula, spend time with God first thing = great day! We will have days of intense anxiety or suffering or frustration no matter what. But what I am saying is that it is beneficial to turn our attention and affections towards Him at the beginning of our day so that as we go along from there we are more likely to have our focus on Him instead of our circumstances.

But the most motivating reason for me to seek Him first most days is this: The God of the universe has made me His child. He loves me. He delights in me. He receives joy and pleasure from the time I spend with Him. The One who gives me my very next breath, who doesn't NEED anything from me, loves to simply be with me and enjoys my fellowship.

Last night, our 5 year old came into our room after we put him night night. He asked a question, and then as he was walking back to bed I had a flash back to when our 10 year old was as little as him. I wanted time to stand still. I wanted the days to not pass so quickly. I wanted them to know at this young age they are important enough for me to spend time with them. Personal, intimate time where I am delighting in them and all that they are! When they are 20, 30 and 40 I pray I am still spending personal, intimate time with them, delighting in them and all that they are! If I am an imperfect parent and I desire this intimacy with my children, how much more does my perfect, heavenly Father desire this with me...and you!

If you are not already, I encourage you to carve out space at the beginning of your day to spend personal, intimate time with the One who loves you most! He takes great delight in you!

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

All I Need is You!

I was sitting on my porch this morning singing worship songs to the God I love. I was choosing to sing out of a bit of discouragement. In my struggle against the negative thoughts that kept coming to mind, I finally was able to push them aside and just think about who He is.

I began thinking about the miracle of my life. I say miracle because when He rescued me I was dancing topless in strip clubs and addicted to drugs. He did something supernatural in me right away. Although I continued to dance and do drugs, I began wanting Him more than anything else, even though my flesh was so weak. He gave me this special love for Him, like a unique Treasure. That love urged me to read His word in my desperation for Truth, to cry out to Him in my extreme distress, to sing songs to Him in my depression, to chase Him down anyway I knew how. That love has only grown deeper and more intimate every day the last 14 years I have been following Him.

When I think about it, it is so strange. I never thought anyone would ever want to marry me, I never thought I would be a godly wife, mom, friend or a godly anything. At times that first year, I thought surely I would be enslaved to my addictions the rest of my days, never knowing freedom in this area. I was SO SO SO very weak. My emotions were the weakest of just about anyone I knew!

Yet, now when I look at the life He has given me, I am amazed! Not just because of Jerome and the boys, not just because He lets me love on sweet African children, not just because of my friends or influence.

What amazes me the most is that He keeps fanning the flame of this love He has given me for Him. He keeps me wanting more of Him. He keeps giving me the grace to trust Him in trial after trial. He keeps putting dreams in my heart that only He can bring to pass. He keeps revealing to me the greatness of who He is in new and wonderful ways. He keeps showing me that He is the God who can bring impossible things to pass. He keeps opening my eyes to new treasures in scriptures I have read a hundred times. He keeps speaking to my heart in a very real way, that He, the God of the universe, is for me, that He loves me deeply, that He rescued me and keeps me close to Him because I am His most prized possession, that He wants me to know that He is all I need so that I will bring great glory to Him.

He truly is hidden in me as I am hidden in Him. Him making His home in me, of all people, is the most beautiful proof of His steadfast love.

So today, He is enough for me. I don’t need Him to answer the cries of my heart. I don’t need Him to fix my circumstances. I don’t need Him to do what I think is best. I don’t need the praise of man. I don’t need to be accepted. I don’t need to have calm children J I don’t need to be the perfect wife. I don’t even need assurance that I will set foot on African soil ever again.

But what I do need is HIM. If everything else I hold dear is stripped away, yet I have HIM, I have all I REALLY need. He rescued me, He holds my life in His hands, He has my name written on His heart. He is the God I love because He first loved me and today I am delighting myself in all that He is!!!

I love you my sweet, sweet Lord. I love this life you have given us TOGETHER! You are the joy of my heart, my highest Treasure!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Stirrings of My Heart...

These are all the things that have been stirring around in my heart and head the last few weeks. I believe He has been using my circumstances, experiences and emotions to teach me more about who He is and about my weaknesses and insecurities, so He could bring victory in those areas of struggle through the power of His Spirit at work in me.

He showed me that He alone wants all of the glory and this is also for our highest good!

I am to make Him my consuming focus at all times. I have to choose this moment by moment no matter how I feel.

I must seek Him every day. I can not expect to store manna for even 2 days. I must daily feed from His hand.

I can not fall into the trap of looking at my circumstances or trying to figure things out on my own. I can not make my own strength my God.

I have to be dedicated to doing His will no matter what is going on around me or inside of me.

It is good to worship Him when I don't feel like it. It is good to worship Him when I am not greatly moved, it doesn't make me a hypocrite, it is part of my obedience to Him. It is good to read His word and spend time with Him even when I don't 'feel' His Presence. Fruit will come from these times later.

He alone is my Reward! I must fight to maintain an intimate, growing relationship with Him. I must fight to keep the things I love the most from becoming idols in my heart (to the point of being elevated in admiration or affection above Christ).

Just like manna was a good thing that came from God's hand to nourish the Israelites, when they tried to take more of it than He commanded, that good thing would rot because they had made it an idol and were trying to hoard it out of fear. I too have to keep the good things God has given me in their proper place in my heart and not make them idols so they will be nourishment for my soul and not idolatry. May He take me deeper in this area!!!!

I must cast ALL my anxieties on Him and trust Him at all times, nothing matters near as much as focusing completely on who He is.

I DO NOT WANT TO CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME, OR WHAT I 'THINK' PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME :) I want to live to please Him and Him alone!!! UGH, this is a biggy! I have not struggled as greatly with this like I have the last few weeks. And I really think most of the struggle has been in my head, yet still making it a reality to me.

I want to know Him more, love Him more deeply, experience more of His Presence and glorify Him with every relationship He has put in my life. I want to keep Him as my highest Treasure. I want to be used by Him in the ways He chooses, not the ways I choose. I want to have confidence because I am full of faith in Him and not shrink back out of fear or insecurity. I want to be a better wife, mom, friend, etc. because I am pressing into Him more and not because I am 'trying' harder in my own strength. I want to be more aware of His great love for me and humanity!!! I want to have pure motives and a right heart. I want to TRULY walk in His ways and not slip into auto-pilot mode. I want to be dependent on Him every second of every day! I want to lift high HIS name while bowing down low at His feet and dying to my self.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

After Thoughts From a Night of Worship...




I have been thinking about the Benefit Concert for some orphans in Sierra Leone hosted by the FiXX on Sunday. The night was AMAZING! God was glorified and lifted high! This was our greatest desire!

I want to start by saying THANK YOU! 30 kids were sponsored, $2900 was raised. (The total amount raised including pre and post concert giving is $4240!) We were praying for $3,000 and 25 orphans to be sponsored. God is MORE than enough!


One of my FAVORITE parts is that 7 people gave their lives to Christ!!!

We prayed more than anything that He would be fully worshipped by the band and each of us there. AND HE WAS…through our singing and our giving!


At one point during a worship song I looked up and saw pictures of the children on the screen and started crying. I want to be honest, at that point I hadn’t thought of the kids…my thoughts had been about God. The emotion was because of a number of things. I love these children deeply, with a supernatural love given to me by the Lord. In fact, some of them are now our children even though they will likely never step foot on American soil. And as much as I love them, God loves them more. He knows each of them by name. He rescued them one by one. So here is where the tears came from. WHO AM I that He would even give me the strength to fight for those who are precious to Him? WHO AM I that He would use my life in ANY way? WHO AM I???? I am weak, powerless, messy, scattered, disorganized and have very little influence in this world. But yet the God of the universe asked me to join Him in loving these children.


As I looked at their pictures during worship I thought back to when they were each just a name on a spread sheet. I thought of how God burdened my heart to write them, then visit them. I thought about how I fought with Him in these things. I never knew that He would make some of them my own children, that He would call me to keep my commitment to them no matter what the cost or how strong the battle.



Last night, He reminded me of the honor He has given me to suffer with Him! He reminded me how precious PEOPLE are to Him. Me and you, we are precious to Him. Those beautiful ones we celebrated Sunday night, they are precious to Him. When we invest in the lives of people for His sake, and not just when it’s easy, we are investing in eternity, we are advancing the gospel!

Most of these children were taken in at a very young age by an African Pastor. They were taught when they had very little provisions to thank Him for what they did have. They were taught to set their heart on seeking and worshipping Him. They have been taught from the beginning that God wants to use them to change their nation. As most of them are now teenagers those dreams are needing to come to fruition.

Right now a team is on the ground with some Agricultural professors and students from OSU teaching them how they can use the land and resources God has given them to change their nation for generations after you and I are gone. They are seeing how God REALLY has had a plan for them all along! They are filled with the hope and joy of the Lord! This all started because one man agreed to take one child in, provide for him and raise him in the Lord. Now a generation of children who love the Lord are being prepared for the good works God has planned for them to do in His name!

We each are one person, but we too can invest in the life of one child and make an eternal difference.


I got an email from World Vision today. It showed a picture of a child who was VERY malnutritioned. It talked of the 1.5 children at risk of starvation in Niger, West Africa. I thought to myself, the needs are overwhelming!

BUT, by the grace of God I can invest in the lives of the orphaned children He has called me to and be a part of changing an entire nation through their lives.

By loving and empowering these children, they can carry out their callings.

You all have been loving and empowering us to carry out our callings...some of you for years and in various ways.

Last night Jerome and I were marveling at how each person who invested in us along the way has helped bring us to the point we are now, in Christ. We desperately need each other! God has set it up this way and I am so glad He does.

So please hear my heart….WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! We are VERY thankful for each of you! We do not deserve to be so lavishly loved by you. You are the source of so much of our joy in the Lord.

Thank you for partnering with us to love 94 orphans on the coast of West Africa. Thank you for helping us reach out to the lost here in America. All of this is as much worship as the songs we sing to Him!!!! Thank you for helping us lift HIGH His name all over the earth in all kinds of ways!

As the body of Christ, may we continue to be a display of His splendor to the world. May we continue to glorify Him through every act of worship!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Desire of Our Hearts

I am seeing the Lord be so much more than I imagined. I know that we have many plans in our hearts but it is the Lord's plans that prevail. I am learning to trust Him more through every trial. With a deeper understanding of who He is comes a deeper reverance. He alone is the Lord and can do whatever He pleases, however He pleases.

As I try to seek Him with my whole heart I find Him...over and over again I find Him.

He Alone is the famous One! He Alone is wise! I want to lift High His name Him with my whole life. I want to see His glory! I want to fight so hard with His strength for those who can not fight for themselves. I want to rejoice if I am counted worthy to suffer for doing the good He has called me to. I do not want to shrink back in fear. I do not want to relent out of discouragement. Instead, I want to press on...I want to persevere. I want to stand firm letting NOTHING move me. I want to ALWAYS give myself FULLY to the work of the Lord, knowing that my labor in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Corinthians 15:58) I am finding this to be VERY difficult at times. I am tempted to take the easy way out. But the more I seek Him, the more He strengthens me for the battle. The more I cry out to Him in the pain of disappointment, the more He pours out His JOY!

The more I worship Him for who He is and not what He does for me, the more He proves His Love to me! His love never fails! His love is stronger than death! I know and can rely on the Love of the One who gave His life for me!

I spent the morning looking up verses concerning the fatherless. What I discovered penetrated my heart. I saw a little more clearly the love, justice, faithfulness and fierce devotion to those who are weak and oppressed. It made my heart so happy that this is the kind of God I serve. A God who is mighty to save and does! A God who calls man to defend the ones who can not defend themselves. A God who rescues and heals the broken! This caused everything within me to want to rise up like a mighty warrior princess in the name of my God and fight! And so I did, I went to my closet and got on my knees and cried out for those who are oppressed! I waged war against the spiritual forces through prayer. I know He heard. I know He even prayed through me. I know He allowed me to feel only a portion of His fierce devotion to those I was praying for.

I am so humbled that He loves you and me this same way.

The more of Him He allows me to discover, the more delight it brings my heart to know that He calls me His own. That we are not overlooked. We are not an afterthought. He intentionally put everyone of us on this planet in hopes that we might come to Him and live in Him for all of eternity...from the orphan to richest of men...for His glory and joy!

It is my personal plea and prayer to anyone who might read this. Please make spending time with Him a priority. I can not tell you how much He longs for this! He is a Rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Please make time to KNOW Him more!!!!

May He alone become the desire of our hearts!!!!

Friday, July 23, 2010

A Beautiful Moment / My Great Failures

I woke up last Saturday with a familiar dilemma before me. You see I had some work that really needed to be done. It really NEEDED to be done while everyone was still asleep. But I also knew this was time that I could be alone with God and seek His face. I needed a “Great Moment." So I put on some worship and dropped to the ground. I called out:

“God I need You!”
“God I want YOU!”
“God you are my Souls delight!”
“Help me Lord!”


I moved from position to position trying to focus and still nothing. 30 min later I moved to the closet in my bedroom and my mind became illuminated to a simple thought.

“He will reign over my heart for all time!”

I know that sounds simple but it was not in that moment. You see the thought became acute, real, powerful, life giving. My heart felt like it was about to burst. He will REIGN over my heart FOREVER!! You see there is nothing simple about FOREVER!! And this was the kicker:

My heart is wild, uncontrollable, free. It has gotten me in so many destructive situations. Many times I have to call out to Him to keep from hating my own heart. But what I cannot control within a moment HE WILL REIGN IN FOREVER!! How AMAZING!!! WHAT A POWERFUL GOD!! How???

Then the song “Beautiful Exchange” arrived over my headphones. And The LORD, THE MIGHTY ONE made it clear to me that it was through the POWER of the CROSS. He showed me that although Adam walked with Him every day he was destined to fall away because Adam really was walking next to a God he did not know. He did not know Him because of two reasons…

1. Adam did not know how weak he was apart from God
2. Adam did not know that he was walking next to a GOD who loved Him so much that He would suffer immensely for Him.


Now through the Cross we can see the distance. It is no wonder that He says our very best righteousness is like filthy rags. Next to the Cross!! My Heart was so Alive in that moment!!! Nothing compares!! So satisfying!! Even in my body I could feel a THIRST FOR HIM!! David's words were alive, “As the deer pants for water..”

Then I looked over and there was Micah still half asleep. Micah comes and gets me every Saturday to watch cartoons and snuggle on the couch. We have done this routine every since he was 2 years old but this time he climbed into my bed and laid down. It was really strange but I just went with it. I tried for a few minutes to explain what I had just experienced in the closet. I explained to him how that when I have those times with God everything else seems worthless to me. I told him even the good times that I have with him, his brothers and mommy do not compare...much less the crap we deal with in life. I said to him “you have never had any moments like that have you?" He answered, “No." Then I asked him, “Do you know why?” He answered, “I am young and have not been though much." I then explained how that as we grow older and experience more of the pain of life and also experience more "Moments” with God we start to hate this world and long for God “Forever." Then he asked me, “Do you ever wish you were back in the garden like Adam and Eve were?” I almost said yes then I realized how foolish that answer would be. You see in the garden there were no ‘moments." I answered, “Hell No! You see Micah, in the garden there were no moments like what I just had in the closet and moments like that are worth all the pain in life. They alone are worth living or dying for!”



As I was saying this the thought came into my mind, 'How is Micah going to experience these pains?' You see I want to protect him but I also do not want him to be numb to God because he has never experience pain in immense quantities. Sure he has had to deal with me and Shanna’s mistakes as parents but for the most part he has been sheltered.



Well the weekend went on as normal… Cartoons… Playing … Saturday at Life Church…. Playing… bed time around 11PM … Sunday at Frontline… Home to get ready for White Water… Things don’t always go the way you expect, do they? As we were getting ready Micah and Silas came in from the back yard looking pale as a ghost and ran into mommy. Then I hear Shanna say, “Chewy is dead!" What!!!! I thought!!! “I knew this was going to happen!" she said. My heart sank. Surely he is not dead! I went into the back yard and saw him hanging there. “I knew this was going to happen!” she said. “Be quiet Shanna,” I said. “What can I do?” I thought!! “There must be something I can do!” Silas was in bed sobbing… Micah was standing behind me barley crying with a shocked look on his face… Asher seemed totally normal and was saying, “He’s not dead I saw him moving.” “THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO.” He was dead right in front of me. I had put him on a tie out the day before because he had dug out and escaped. I was only going to keep him on it until I got some bricks and dirt to fill the hole so he could not get out again. 'NOW HE IS DEAD.' He had tied himself up and fought so hard that he had cut his own throat. 'HE WAS THE BEST DOG I EVER HAD NOW MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN IN THIS LIFE.' Me and Shanna decided we needed to go to White Water so the children could get their mind off of it. Within a few minutes my dad was on his way to get Chewy to bury him. As I was getting into the van the Lord showed me what a mistake I was making so I told the boys, “Come with me so we can say goodbye.” We walked into the back yard and walked up to his lifeless body and I prayed, “God thank you for Chewy." Then the boys prayed. Everyone was in tears except Asher. Asher was bouncing on the trampoline still in denial. Then we all spoke to Chewy and told him how much we loved him.



Funny how life can just break so quickly. How you can just be cruising along and then it BREAKS! You make one mistake and then everything is changed PERMANENTLY!! How many times have I looked away for just one moment! Relaxed for just a second and then it Breaks! My failures are the only thing that never go away! Weak! Hiding in the Garden wondering how God will react to my failure! We know HE sees. We know there is no hiding!! I know He sees when I snap at my kids!! When I let down my friends! When I mistreat my wife!! When I waste money knowing there are people starving!! When I spend time on worthless things instead of seeking HIS GLORIOUS FACE!



BUT IN THE 'MOMENT' I SEE HIM SO CLEARLY!! IN THE 'MOMENT' HE GIVES ME STRENGTH TO PUSH ON!! IN THE 'MOMENT' HE MAKES ME GREAT!!! IN THE 'MOMENT' MY FAILURES ARE CONSUMED IN HIS HOLY FIRE!! IN THE 'MOMENT' I SEE THE POWER OF HIS CROSS!!!! I SEE MY WEAKNESS AND HOW WONDERFUL HE IS TO DIE FOR ME!!!!


IM THE 'MOMENT' I SEE 'THE LORD THE MIGHTY ONE' WHO WILL REIGN OVER MY HEART FOREVER!!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Ridiculous Amounts of JOY!

I have ridiculous amounts of joy! Not because our bank account has lots of money in it, because it doesn't. Not because everyone is nice to me, because they're not. Not because those I love aren't suffering, because they are. Not because my children are perfectly behaved, because, well, you guessed it, they aren't. Not because I am not struggling with my sinful nature, because I always am.

But I have become so focused on who He is that I have lost myself in Him. His joy, His love, His peace has consumed my focus. My fears and failures have little room in my thoughts.

I am in the most amazing love relationship ever! This relationship isn't something that is part of my life. He is my life! He is the very breath I breathe. He is the Source of all beauty in my life. He is the Source of all purpose.

I am understanding and living out through Him the Truth that He is the reason I live. He is my very life. My life is hidden in Him. The very reasons I were created were to bring glory to His name, to do His will, to make desciples of others, to love, to live and breathe in worship to Him. I want to bring Him pleasure the way He brings me pleasure. I want to sing and dance in His Presence, not caring who thinks I am strange. I want to conform less to this world, to the luke-ward parts of the church, to our culture than ever before. I want to be set apart by my love for Him and others, so maybe, just maybe others might follow me in this as I follow Christ!!! I want everyone to KNOW this peace, this JOY, this love and to live and walk in it, E-V-E-R-Y day!!!

I want to worship Him for all of eternity...not just when I bow before His throne...but here, on this earth, even amist the pain and trials. I can say that His joy is my strength! I can say that my life is not my own! I can say that it doesn't matter how half-heartedly others around me follow Him. As for me, and my household, we choose to serve Him with every single ounce of our lives! I was not created for ANYTHING else. Not for my own ambitions, not to chase after earthly pleasures, not to live in 'compfortable' circumstances, not to use all of my energy to achieve my own goals.

No, I was created to do HIS will, to worship Him with my entire life, to teach others to love Him with ALL of their hearts, to bring glory to His name. How can I do anything but bow before the very One that created the earth that I see, fashioned me from the dust and gives me my very next breath.

Any response other than worship would be arrogance. Why would I think I should have the right to control my own life, or even begin to know what is best? I am choosing to yield to the One who knit me together in my mother's womb and has numbered each of my days! I am choosing to bow before the One who is worthy of all my praise and devotion. May this joy, continue to overtake me. May I choose to die everyday to myself so that He can consume every single part of me!!!

Lord, you are holy and set apart. There is NO ONE like you! May I ever live to do your will. May I live to worship you with all of my might in more undignified ways than this. May I live even more fully alive in you to the glory of your name!

I want to love you more than I do. Please increase our love and passion for you so we can lift high your name throughout the earth!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A God Beyond His Own Word


I got a text message from my sweet husband this morning that said, "I wrote a blog, will you edit it and post it for me?" I then went to my email and had this from him:

To my second Love,

I have heard it said that a man is only as good as his word. But we serve a God who is greater than His very Word. We serve a God whose greatness cannot be contained in all the words ever spoken.

A dozen years ago or so I prayed and ask God for three things concerning a wife.

1. That she have a passionate love for HIM.

2. That she be beautiful.

3. That she not interfere with my relationship with HIM.



These were big things to ask for an ex-drug dealer that had no money and little relationship skills. I also realized that number 3 was a prayer that went against His very word (1 Corinthians 7).


His Greatness cannot be contained even by His own word! For no language can express HIM. No language can communicate HIM. My soul burns for HIM!! My soul searches for the WORD that can describe HIM!! HE goes before me and shields my way! Your very hand upholds my every breath and I know You love me. LOOK at the great things He has done in my life!!! Even though His very words demanded justice and death to me, He placed it on His Beautiful Son!! His word demanded shame for my actions but instead He has given me HONOR! My insecurities are so deep but He has given me BOLDNESS, STRENGTH and PASSION. His word said my wife would distract me from HIM. But once again He is beyond HIS own word!!!!

When I wake to you sitting on the porch seeking HIS FACE!!! When I lie down in the bed and listen to you talk about the things He has revealed to you!! When I hear of the people you are ministering to!! When I see the Love and encouragement you express to our children! It makes me want to scream “WITH EVERYTHING." My passion for HIM explodes within me. HOPE RISES! DARKNESS TREMBLES AT OUR HOLY GOD!! For I know that our God is even stronger than HIS very word.

Maybe I am saying this wrong. I should say a God who does even more than what he says.



Man says much and does little. God does more than what He says.



We ask for mercy, He give us His very blood. We ask to be His servant, He makes us a royal priesthood. We ask for forgiveness and He comes inside and calls us friend. We ask Him to save us from death, He gives us abundant Life. I asked him for a woman who loves Him and He gave me you. I ask him for beauty and He gave me you. I asked Him for a woman who would not distract me and He gave me you.

Once again, a God who trumps His very word.

Thank You Lord the last 12 years,
Jerome



Of course I can not simply post this without responding :)



My Love,

I am only who I am today because you have been a mighty tool in the hand of our God to shape and mold me into a Goldy woman, a woman who fears His name and worships Him with all of her might because I have followed your example, your leadership.

I have seen His strength in you! You have used your strength to rebuild my broken life. When the Lord gave me to you I was deeply wounded and emotionally ruined because of many things that had nothing to do with you. Yet, with great joy, you took on the impossible task of fighting valiantly for my healing.

What is impossible with man is possible with God. God through you did the impossible in my life.

Most men would have taken advantage of my weakness or given up. Not you, you honored me, protected me, loved me, served me and at many times literally carried me to the very feet of Jesus.

I was not easy to love. I was not beautiful or sweet the way wives are suppose to be. Yet, you saw these things in me, though they were hidden so deep. You chose to search out the unseen beauty in me, the beauty that God saw, the beauty of His Spirit working all things together for my good because I loved Him. Yes, His Spirit was producing beauty from the ashes of my life, and you chose to let Him use you against great opposition!

I do not deserve the honor you give to me. I do not deserve the joy that you bring to me. I do not deserve to be living this beautiful life in Him together with you! Yet, I rejoice because of what He has done in me, what He has given to me, yes I REJOICE!

I understand who He is! I realize the greatness of His love! I can see clearly His character! I see the way He pursues the those who are broken! I see how He uses the weak to lead the strong! I see how He is a great Defender of those who love Him! I see how He makes all things new!

I see Him when I look at your life!

I see Him when you wake up singing His praises every morning. I see Him when you come home singing (VERY LOUDLY) His praises every evening. I see Him when you relentlessly minister to those even the church would give up on. I see Him when you come alive while discussing the scriptures. I see Him when you take person after person into our home. I see Him when you cry on your face in worship to Him. I see Him when you put me and our children first EVERY SINGLE TIME, in EVERY SINGLE THING. I see Him when you fight for orphans that you now call your own, even when you have never even met them. I see Him when you have long discussions with our boys about Jesus and how we have to devote our entire life to Him. I see Him every day and always in every area of your life. He permeates your very being. And I have the blessing, the joy, the honor of being one flesh with you. He daily spills over from your life into mine.

In humility, boasting in the Lord alone, I can say that WE, TOGETHER bring Him glory, our passion brings Him fame. You have lead US to this place in Him. I will never, ever be able to thank Him enough for the blessing of being married to someone so close to His heart!

I delighted myself in Him and He gave me the desires of my heart! He gave me a deep intimacy with Him, a great love for Him and He gave me you!

I love you,
Me

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

One Family in Christ




I have been back from Sierra Leone one week today. I guess it is about time to give you all an update. Thank you for your patience as I soak in the goodness of God while settling back into American life.

I am sitting on my porch having a Treasure time with Jesus :)

I just re-watched a video for about the 10th time of one of my African sons singing a worship song while we were at Macondi visiting his university.



I am so proud of my African family. Since He has connected our hearts and lives I have experienced so much of His love! I have known He has loved me since I gave my life to Him, but I know in increasing measure now. I see through their lives, through their worship, through their commitment and devotion to God and people, through their love and service, their sacrifice, that His love is greater than what my mind had conceived.


He rescued them, took care of them, provided for them, loved them, and I see their response to that love being full surrender to Him. They are like the one leper that came back and thanked Jesus for healing his life. Just as I am like Mary, who followed Jesus everywhere He went, sat at his feet in worship just to be near Him after He healed her life.

I feel so close to God. Even while I am back here in America, I am getting up while it is still dark and spending 3 to 4 hours every morning singing worship songs to Him, praying, reading the bible. I am playing worship music all day, singing songs of praise in my heart, pouring out my worship to Him. He rarely leaves my thoughts. My mind is full of thoughts of thankfulness and His faithfulness. My heart is full of love for Him. So much of this is a result of the great amount of love and kindness I was shown while in Sierra Leone...by the kids, the Pastors, the staff and the community. It is also because I have seen the great struggles that everyone is facing and faces regularly there, yet how they each press into God, thanking Him, praising Him, trusting Him, seeking His face despite the great opposition they daily face.

I see that it is their pleasure, their joy, to be with me when I am there...to love and serve me as though I have always been a part of their family. I have been shown such kindness, such love and it is healing my life in ways that I never imagined. Because of the love I have been shown, I am drawn so close to the ONE I love the very most, the ONE who rescued me, took away my shame, made me new, placed His Spirit on the inside of me and called me His own, while the world rejected me and others used me for their own gain.


I just cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for this precious part of the body of Christ in Sierra Leone. I understand more of what it means to be one family in Christ because they have grafted me into theirs. His love is the commonality that binds us together beyond space, time and culture. It is the universal language that He speaks. If we have ears to hear, we will hear His voice speaking to us through each others' lives. I will forever praise Him for giving me ears to hear and eyes to see Him through the lives of the believers in Sierra Leone. I see His beauty when I look at their lives...I see His faithfulness when I hear them sing worship songs to Him...I see His strength when I see them serving Him despite great spiritual opposition...I see Him in their smile, in their laughter, in their hard work, in their sacrifice. I see Him more clearly than I ever have through their lives.

My prayer for them, for me, for you who are reading this is to please, please, please keep seeking Him above all else. I am begging for Him to increase our love and worship for Him even more as one body...our desire to daily feed from His word, to let His Spirit ever be our Living Water. Apart from Him we can do nothing...all of our worth is in Him and Him alone! He doesn't need us to accomplish His purposes on this earth, yet when we seek Him He uses us so we might know and understand more of His heart...His heart for the weak, the oppressed, the poor and the needy...because at our core, this is what we all are. We are all in desperate need of Him...some of us just don't realize it, we become deceived and chase after idols that will never truly satisfy, or in pride we try to be the master of our own lives. But we are all poor and needy at our core...we were only made for Him. My African family gets this more than most Christians I know, including me.

He is the blessed Controller of all things, sovereign and in control. He alone reigns throughout the earth. One day we will see that we are but dust and He is Ruler and Judge over all…judging righteously with grace and mercy towards those fully devoted to Him.


I am so thankful that He gives us intimate relationships here on the earth to help us know His love more and draw us near. Those in Sierra Leone will never fully know how thankful I am for them. May I ever live to love and serve them the way they have me. May I use my voice to speak up for their rights and to implore others to judge them fairly. (Proverbs 31:8-9) They are more precious to me than any earthly treasure. They are my gift from GOD!


Those of you here in America who give of your time, money and resources to make a way for me to return to Africa again and again are a gift to me from the Lord. Those of you who give towards the needs of these precious people have become a great source of my joy in the Lord. You have become so endeared to me. May I ever live to love and serve you the way you all have me. You are more precious to me than any earthly treasure. You are my gift from GOD!

I will ever praise Him for making us all one family in Christ. May we lift high His name together across the earth for His glory and our joy!

I love you all!
Shanna

If you would like to look at pictures from my recent trip, here are a few links: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2065196&id=1139719726&l=860c697af7
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2065202&id=1139719726&l=41c1c3dfd2

Here is a link to a few videos of two different boys singing worship songs:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=1475976856288
http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=427561706263&subj=1139719726

Friday, May 14, 2010

Impossible Love (Beauty of the Lord)

“Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 2 Cor 10:17

Someone whom I deeply respect as 'Great in the Lord' confronted me yesterday about my wife’s involvement in Sierra Leone. The arguments put forth were:

1. There is an abundance of ministry that is needed right here in OKC, so there is no need to rush off to Africa 3 times a year to do ministry. There are people over there that can do ministry in their area.

2. My calling is not to be a missionary in Africa. I am the spiritual leader of the household so Shanna’s job is to fall in line with my ministry. Her place is at home with the children and so she should not run off to Africa and leave the children.

3. He said that biblically a missionary was someone who lived in a different place, not someone who traveled to a different place several times a year.

Here were my answers:

1. Shanna already does more ministries than a dozen men here in OKC. And the Lord said, “Go out and preach and teach to all the world.”

2. She is in line with my ministry. My ministry is to CHASE HIM with all of my heart and to display HIS GLORY. I must decrease, He must INCREASE. I have encouraged and pushed her to go since I first heard the call to minister to these children. She is my greatest gift to them.

My children need more adversity, not more stability and predictability. I have been involved with many great parents that have poured there very souls into their children only to have them rebel. Either my children will Love HIM or they will not. And the best way to show them is to show them that HE is our Life. They need to see that they are not the center of our universe. However, Shanna does not use this as an excuse, she gives them plenty of love and affection.

3. In the bible you actually see more traveling missionaries than you see permanent missionaries.

You see this was not the first time I had been approached about this subject and I appreciate the rebuke. I say, "Confront me more and more about many subjects." If I am in the Lords will I will come out stronger. SHARPEN ME! I will call to HIM and say, “Am I wrong LORD?!” If I am in HIS will I will hear the voice of the ONE I LOVE calling my name! He will say to me, “Come higher my beloved!" I will see HIS beauty. This morning I have seen HIS BEAUTY! And HIS beauty was revealed in MY WIFE THAT HE HAS GIVEN TO ME!

BEHOLD THE BEAUTY OF THE LORD!

One day she was empty, sinful and without hope or direction! At the same time her outward beauty was exposed and exploited, crowds of evil men rejoiced in her aimless empty life. THE CROSS changed all that! OH LORD HOW POWERFUL ARE YOU! You take those who are empty, sinful, without hope and give them real BEAUTY! You break them and then give them NEW LIFE! OH HOW I LOVE YOU!!! AND OH HOW I LOVE HER!

Now she starts her day exposing herself to One and One only. But He will expose Himself through her for all the nations to see. And my children will see Him through her and they will make their decision. And let me tell you we have many children that do not look like us or live with us. Who are our children? They are those who hear and obey the WORD of the Lord! We will give them our best for the LORD has given them to us.

A couple of days ago Solomon, (one of our African sons who lives in Sierra Leone) was told by his classmates, “Your mother (Shanna) could not love you the way you say, it is impossible, you are making it up.” They are right because his mother can not but the Lord can through HER! Behold the BEAUTY of the LORD as he takes the a weak, empty stripper and has her love an orphan, who was not her own, who lives on the other side of the world, with a LOVE that others do not even believe in...a Love they say is “impossible." What is impossible with Man is simple to HIM!

Doesn't the Lord do the same for us? He came across heaven and earth to give us a Love that the world calls “impossible." He took us while we were wicked, sinful and empty and became a Mother to us. HIS word can no sooner forget us that a mother can forget the baby feeding from her breast! WOW! May we love with that same Love! That is why I say...

I am running! Running after YOU!
You have become my souls DELIGHT!
I am running! Running after YOU!
Here with YOU I FIND MY LIFE!


Your beauty has become my joy in song!

Thank You Lord for giving me a glimpse of YOU through my wife. May we die everyday for You.

Monday, April 26, 2010

A Mustard Seed Among Friends

This was written by my sweet husband:

What a difference 18 years makes! I remember sitting alone wondering, "God, how can I make a difference?" "Will I fall away?" "Won't I destroy this just like everything else I touch?" "Why do I seem to fail every time I try to make a difference?" "Am I fooling myself?" "Am I really in a relationship?" You see, I had just experienced complete failure. The Sunday school teacher had ask me to give the lesson. My first time to talk in front of a crowd with no alcohol in my system. I shared Galatians 5 and told the group that we were not "serving each other out of love." I told them we needed to bond together and reach out be His Hands and Feet together. I did not present this in a rude way but some in the class called me out. "Who do you think you are coming in here barely saved telling us how to live our lives?" ....GOD PLEASE NEVER LET ME BE CONTENT! NEVER LET ME BE SELF RIGHTEOUS!

What could I do? I had two choices:

1. Go back to my house where people were smoking dope and drinking and join in.

2. Go home and walk right past them to my room and fall to my face and call on the Great Name! I was so empty! All I had to do was take a few steps into my living room and false peace could comfort me! Lie to me! NO!

I WAS TIRED OF THE LIE! I WILL GO TO THE CROSS! READ HIS WORD! CALL TO HIS MIGHTY NAME! SEARCH ME GOD! CHANGE MY HART! I WANT YOUR PRESENCE! SURROUND ME! I CANNOT SURVIVE ON A DEVOTIONAL! TAKE ME TO YOUR CROSS! A mustard seed was planted!

I guess some things don't change because today those same few steps can now make me one of the self righteous Christians who are satisfied living the selfish empty church life. They breathe in their man made righteousness just as my friends in the living room sucked in dope. They drink in up their church attendance like it was a bottle of Jack Daniels. IT IS EMPTY! GET ALONE WITH HIM! CALL TO HIS MIGHTY NAME! LET HIM DRIVE YOU TO ACTION! GOD OPEN OUR EYES TO THE WORK OF YOUR HAND! LET US SEE YOUR MIGHTY NAME! MAY THE VERY WHISPER OF JESUS BRING FIRE TO OUR VEINS! MAY IT DRIVE US TO YOUR WORK!

Fast forward to the present day.

Friday, Hillsong United was in concert! I arrived a few hours early. There was already a stream of people flowing into the Loyd Noble. I started seeing those God had used me to minister to 1... 5... 10... Some I spent devoted periods of my life with and others I prayed for salvation with, still others I helped for a short, hard period of their life. GOD OPEN MY EYES TO THE WORK OF YOUR HANDS! Soon the stadium was filled with HIS handy work! All over the stadium they called to HIS GLORIOUS NAME!

I looked down to the floor and there was Brandon Morris! Years ago he walked into Oasis high on Cocaine but the cocaine could not save Him from God's Mighty Hand! Now here he is Raising His Hands calling out to MY GOD! HOW SWEET IS THE NAME OF JESUS! OUR GREAT GOD TAKES OUR MUSTARD SEEDS AND GROWS THEM INTO MIGHTY OAKS! Thank you GOD for using me to make a difference! My life is filled with PURPOSE! Everywhere I go I see those He has worked through me to change.

But there is a middle part to this story. You see my Life changed when I met those of you who have worked with me through the years. Many of you have stepped in when I was weak! Many of you have given when I did not have the money to do His work. Many of you have spoken when I did not have the words. Many of you have encouraged me when I did not have the strength to move on. Many of you with the words of your mouth have driven me to new heights. You see I needed that Sunday school class and I knew it. Now God has surrounded me with those who empower me. I pray that He would open your eyes to THE WORK OF HIS HANDS! Seek Him with everything you have! And one day your mustard seed will grow into a mighty oak!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Spending Time with Him

This morning I didn't have the boys, thanks to Aunt Nina :) I decided to use all my treasure time to just worship Him. It took about 30 minutes or so of listening to music with worshipful lyrics to just focus my mind fully on Him. There was a struggle to keep my mind from wandering. I was determined. I am so glad He gave me the grace and strength to push through. We have to relentlessly pursue Him, not giving up. He is our prize.

I am coming away with this: There is NOTHING that can take the place of drawing near to Him, spending time alone with Him in His Presence. every day.

I have been fighting to keep Him as my focus. There are many things that I feel strongly about concerning His kingdom work. My flesh wants to run full speed into these things, not stopping to daily seek Him for Him. He could fix all the things in the world that I am passionate about...without me. He chooses to use me for reasons of His own, not to any credit of mine. BUT these things are not the point. He is the point. He is the prize of this life and for all of eternity. We too are His prize. He came for us. And we seek Him not only for ourselves but also for others. So that not only will we have His abundant life but so that others might have this too.

I want to know Him more deeply. I want to live more fully alive to the glory of His name.

I want to sow to please the spirit so that I will not gratify the sinful nature of the flesh. I want to reap from the spirit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control in greater measure.

I have come to believe more than anything else, without wavering, that spending time with Him is THE MOST important thing in our relationship with Him. I also believe it is that thing as Christians that we do the least.

Why is this?

I am reading through the gospels. A few things stuck out to me in Mark. Jesus made it a habit to go to solitary places and spend time with His Father early in the morning.

In the midst of the great needs of the crowds that followed Him, He disciplined Himself to go away and spend time alone with His Father in the middle of it all.

He also did this at the end of his hectic days.

I too want to follow His example.

Life is chaotic and demanding. There are a million noble, kindgom-worthy things in a day that could be done. None of those things compare to seeking Him. When we seek Him first AND in the midst of our day...He gives us power and strength to love our family, give encouragement to our friends, reach out to the lost, spend time with the lonely, meet the needs of the poor and whatever else we are called to for that day. Then when we spend time with Him before we end the day in sleep, we wake up with the gratefulness for a new day.

May I seek Him, first, last and all throughout my day. May my thoughts be fixed on Him. May I be consumed by Him. May I walk in His Presence at all times lifting high His name. He is the Answer for me and for others.

Yes, He is the Answer!