My Living Hope

I have woke up the last few days feeling distant from Him, almost separated from His Presence. I have found it hard to get out of bed and have to force myself to spend time with Him. But I do. Because I know I can not make it on my own. Throughout these last few days He has been faithful to give just enough strength to get through the moments. My circumstances are good. No major trials. Just finding it difficult in meeting the physical and emotional needs of the kids. And tired. Really tired.

I asked my 12 yo yesterday if he ever has a day where he feels far from God for no real reason. He laughed and said no like I was crazy :) Just wait precious one. Just wait ;)

Life is hard. But He knows I am dust. He knows I am weak.

One of my children asked me today after our devotion why God even sent Jesus to live on the earth through Mary. It is nonsense isn't it. What kind of God would give up heaven to come live as a human. As I explained the beauty of Him being completely 100 percent God yet choosing to come and live as a human and suffer so that He could be our merciful High Priest my heart was encouraged. He knows what I go through because He lived in a body. He knows what it means to be hungry, tired, tempted and to have a range of emotions in the midst of life on earth. He knows. He CHOSE to know intimately what I would go through. Because of this He sympathizes with me in my weakness.

I live in this tent of a body that doesn't always work right. I have jacked up emotions even after years of chasing hard after Him. And even when I muster up all my best intentions I still fail time and time again.

But today...oh today. Something beautiful happened. I slowly got through each moment. I still felt tired. I still felt weary of earthly living and longed for heaven. But, regardless of my feelings I fixed my thoughts on the cross. All day. I made every effort in this and He made it happen. I talked to Him openly and honestly about how I felt and how much I needed Him, I read His word, I listened to worship music, I sang quietly to Him under my breath, I cried out to Him in my heart and I chose to think about His sacrifice and forgiveness and grace. So Here I am at the end of what has seemed to be the never-ending day. I am still tired. My body still aches. I still do not feel 'happy' but I am full of HOPE.

Because of the cross I can rejoice. Because of the cross, even if my emotions stayed this way (and they won't) I could make it. Because of the cross I did not have to turn to fleshly vices to try and fix my not-so-great emotions. Because of the cross when my 6 yo threw an all out fit me and 2 of my other children sat and prayed and sought God for wisdom and watched Him answer. Why did he act like that over something small and trivial...the same reason I do. He is a sinful human who needs Jesus. I was able to teach Him this and extend the same loving discipline, grace and fofgiveness that I receive. Because of the cross I did not 'react' to my emotions in several other situations.

The older I get...the more time goes on and I seek Him and find Him and see Him as He truly is...the more thankful I am for this precious Saviour of mine. He is my daily, moment by moment, living HOPE! There is nothing I want more than Him. There is nothing I need more than Him. I simply can not make it on my own. Even when I think I can it is a terrible lie. So I welcome these days. I welcome these reminders that I am weak, I am dust and He alone is the strength of my life!!!!