He has broken my heart in Africa…once again. But He is also healing it in new ways.
When I was a little girl I grew up without a dad. I grew up watching my mom be abused by men.
I grew up watching my little brother’s dad adopt him…only to abandon him a few
short years later. I grew up having men
molest me, rape me, when they should have been protecting me. I grew up in a great battle for my soul. The goal of the enemy…to take away my
ability to trust…to trust God as my Savior…to trust that I could give myself
fully to Him…to trust His plan for my life…to trust that whatever He asked of
me was for my good and not to harm me…to trust that He was not like the men
that abused me as a little girl…or even like the men I would later dance for in
strip clubs who saw only the value of my sexuality. God wanted more for me that what I had been given. God in His goodness allowed pain, wounds and
trauma to be sifted through His sovereign fingers into my life so that I would
one day cry out to Him in desperation.
The things done against me and the sin I willfully entered into almost
destroyed my life. But God rescued me.
At just the right time. When I was powerless.
When, in my wounded-ness and sin I had set my heart against Him…the only
One able to heal and make new…He died for me.
He pursued me. He saw every
traumatic event, every moment of rejection, all the moments I cried in
paralyzing fear as a child unable to understand the pain in my heart. Unable to fix it or make it stop. He
saw. He was there. And then at just the right time He came in
and saved the day…saved my life…and began making me whole.
I am not whole yet.
His work in me is not complete.
I am still wounded. I trust more
and I’m afraid less but His work in my heart is not finished. I walk with an incredible weakness and at
times feel as if I am constantly struggling to love deeply without fear. Yet I am increasingly aware of His
faithfulness and goodness in all of this!
I wouldn’t change anything.
You see, now I am taking care of children who were wounded
and rejected even more deeply than I.
Here in my own home I have seen the wounds in the hearts of children I
care for. I have seen the fear in their
eyes. The great struggle they have in
learning to trust. The confusion they
battle from not understanding. BUT I
have seen the power of God’s love transforming their lives as I choose to love
them deeply because He first loved me.
I see them start to be able to trust as I recount His faithfulness over
and over to them. I see them start to
understand…start to blossom…start to be free as I pray day after day over
them. I see them start to believe that
God is good as I share His word with them.
I see joy burst forth as I snuggle and play with them. I know the work is not complete. But as I make myself available He is flowing
through me. The great beauty of this
is….HE IS HEALING ME through these grace-filled, moment-by-moment acts of
obedience to do His will. It requires
that I die to myself. It requires that
I sacrifice and pour out my life when I want to cling to my comfort and control
my own days. My future is in His hands
and my healing is in my surrender to His will.
I have returned to Africa time and time again only because I
feel such a call to the people of Sierra Leone. I feel as if He has carried me every step in my ministry to these
precious ones over the last 4 ½ years.
All the dots seemed to be connected this visit. He opened my heart this time to see a little
more clearly what He has been doing.
The nation of Sierra Leone has been broken by violence, greed…evil. The only thing that can fix it is the
gospel. Money will never work. The love of God flowing through those
willing to be broken by what breaks His heart and resolved enough to persevere
and stay the course is what is needed.
He has asked many to open up their eyes and see…really see the pain…in
the hearts of the orphans…in the eyes of the people. And not only see but be moved to act. Love is action.
Compassion is action.
Consistent, steadfast action. I saw a fresh glimpse of what these
children have been through. They are
growing into young adults. The battle
in some ways is getting more fierce.
They are carrying deep wounds into their adulthood from trauma you and I
will likely never be able to wrap our minds around. Like me…they are walking with incredible weakness. They have a man, their spiritual dad, who
has not shrunk back in his care for them.
They have a few missionaries who have kept their promise to not forget
or forsake them. But what they need is
what I need…healing that comes from trusting God enough to love others deeply
with the same love they have been shown in the Cross. This trip was my favorite.
It really was. I saw a harvest
being reaped. I came as one with very
little to offer. A small team of just 3
of us girls. A little bit of
money. And a LOT of love. I watched the missionaries pour love into
the children and the children pour love into the missionaries. I watched the once teenaged boys, now young
men, take constant care of us with the most endearing, pure affection. I saw young women full of pride at being in
the university while others humbly served us by cooking and cleaning for us
with joy. My children have risen up and
call me blessed. I could not be prouder
of them!
On our 24 hours of travel to Sierra Leone, us 3 girls shared
our stories with each other. We each
had stories of pain, weakness, and failure BUT each of us is now relentlessly
pursuing the God we love. I know that
in the 12 days God kept us on African soil He poured His love and comfort and
healing balm into our lives through the children…and He did the same for the
children through us.
I will never understand the mystery of the glory of the
gospel of Jesus Christ but I will always praise Him for its beauty and
power. I will spend all of my days in
worship. Pouring myself out. Trusting deeper. Loving greater. All in
hopes that the kingdom of God will be lifted up and His Name made great through
my broken life. I will say yes to the
next stranger He asks me to invite in, the next wound he asks me to bandage,
the next brother he asks me to be persecuted with, the next widow He asks me to
visit, the next orphan He asks me to care for…I will say Yes! I don’t care if I am called a fool…I will
spend my life worshiping Him in this way!
As I do may my healing come and His light shine in the darkness through
me.
What has He asked you to do in His Name..For His glory? Whatever it is, let your answer be yes. He can be trusted. I promise your joy will no know bounds! He will give you all the grace you need every single moment.
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