Holy Fear

Do you find the more you seek Him, the closer you come to Him, the safer you are, yet the more holy fear you have of Him? I do.

I found myself crying in my closet a few days ago. As I tried to evaluate the core of why I ended up there, this is the conclusion I came to. It wasn’t near as much about my outward circumstances...the boys being loud and disobedient, the house being messy, not getting my to-do list done, the disagreement Jerome and I had all piling up emotionally. No, it was much deeper, and it usually always is.

I am thankful that this time I went to my closet and cried out to Him, praying through it instead of sweeping it under the rug and moving on. My ‘crying in the closet’ sessions are much more messy, but produce a deeper intimacy between me and my Jesus who I love so much!

At my core I want to be pleasing to Him…in every way. Yet at my core I know that never, ever will I be pleasing to Him by any merit of my own. No matter how perfectly I parent my children or how wonderful I am as a wife. My heart is deceitfully wicked above all things. I need Him as much today as I did 13 years ago when I was as messy on the outside as I still am on the inside.

What happened the other day was me failing in my own strength. I couldn’t juggle all the plates that particular day and they came crashing down. My flesh took over and I crumbled. In my failure I ran to my closet to meet with Him, because I realize that He is a safe Refuge. But while in His Presence I also realized He is a holy God and it does no good to play games with Him. It does no good to make excuses for my fleshly reactions to the pressures of being a stay at home mom. So I found myself repenting even for my self-pity. In my sobbing frenzy of emotion, I found myself confessing and apologizing for all the ways I fall short instead of making excuses. This is because in the Presence of a Holy God, I find I have a holy fear and desperately want to be pleasing to Him. I want to be the real deal. I want my motivations to be pure. I don’t want to be motivated to do good by even a hint of selfish ambition. I want to know that it is my love for Him that compels me as much as I know it is His love for me that sustains me. I want my reward to be Him alone because He alone is who I am really serving, even when serving my husband and children.

I want to know He is pleased with me.

He did let me know this.

He did let me know through the sweetness of His spirit bringing peace as the tears stopped, through my husband’s encouragement, through Him flooding my mind with His Truth about how much He loves me and how His love covers the multitude of sin that sometimes reigns in my heart.

He is the very One Who holds my life together. As Jerome reminded the boys at dinner the other night, if God were to even stop thinking of us for a single second we would cease to exist. In Him and by Him all things are held together, including our very lives. I have a holy fear of a holy God, yet in Him I know I am safe. This causes me to fear ever been far away from Him for even a moment. I am desperate for Him, now more than ever!

Out of the Mouth of Babes!

Oh life just doesn't get any better!!!!

Jerome and I were talking tonight and Micah came into the kitchen with a piece of paper with words written on it. He said, "I've been in my room writing a worship song."

Before I ever read the words I felt inexpressible joy on the inside. You have no idea what a gift this was to me. You see, not only are Jerome and I absolute worship junkies. I struggle with 'feeling' like I am not doing a good job as a mom. I mean, any 'ole normal mom maybe...but I don't want to be any 'ole normal mom. I want to be a mom that loves and leads her children to the heart of God...a mom that loves so lavishly that her children know God's love because of hers...and honestly most days I 'feel' like I miss this mark.

Oh I have learned to count it all joy. I have learned to not listen to my feelings. I have learned to get back up, let Jesus dust me off and walk in his new mercies the next day. I have learned to trust that He is weaving everything together for good…even my mistakes. I have learned that it is OK for my children to not have the perfect mom. They don’t need to see the perfect mom. They need to see the imperfect mom who fails, repents, turns back to God and keeps running the race. They need to see this modeled because Christ will be perfect for them so they don’t have to be. They need to see a mom who desperately loves God no matter how much she fails. If they see my desperation for God they will have the best chance as they too chase after Him in their imperfections and cry out to Him in their weaknesses.

I have learned to love the boys better as the years have gone by. But I still have a nagging fear on the inside that I should be doing better. The truth is, my very best is not enough, it will never be enough. Being a mom is one of the many ways I recognize my need for His grace, His forgiveness, His mercy. No, I am not enough for my children, but He is more than enough for them, just as He is for me.

So, tonight, as God gave me a peek into my sweet boy’s heart, I am basking in His grace and mercy. He is so much more than I deserve and yet this causes me to love and worship Him even more. He put a message on Micah’s heart. His message was not only to Micah, it was also to me. Maybe it is a message to you too whether you are a mom or not. I pray Micah’s worship song speaks to you. Here are the lyrics:

I give my life to you God. It is not enough. And God, you still forgive me. O God. Yes, O God. You gave your son for me God and I wish I could give enough God. But I can’t. Yes, O God.

Is he not the most precious thing EVER!

We serve a God who makes his home in the heart of the ex-drug dealer, the ex-stripper, and the sweet, home-schooled little boy! There is no one like our God. He is worthy of all glory and honor and praise. He alone is enough for every single one of us!