Desperate for His Grace

I've been home from Sierra Leone for less than 24 hours. My house is a mess, my laundry is piled up, I am sleep deprived and exhausted and my heart hurts from being freshly separated from the children in the Wellington Orphanage.

Most of all I am a wreck on the inside. I just spent an hour crying on my bedroom floor and this was the second time today.

I want to love Jesus more than I do. I want to know Him more, have more faith in who He is and what He has promised. My heart aches for more of Him. I want less of myself. I want to know and walk in the freedom and grace that He paid for on the cross. I want my heart to burn with more passion for His great Name. I want to be washed in His word. I want to look to Him for all of my satisfaction. I don't want to go outside of His will or long for anything outside of Him. I want to realize more fully just how alive He is and how close He is. I want to be at war with my sin and selfishness and pride. I want to desire His word more than food and His Spirit more than water.

I am such a mess. I needed His grace desperately when He called me, yet I need this same grace as desperately today, to get through this moment. I am nothing without Him. He is the only good thing in me and He is the only One who can offer me hope.

I will never understand why He called me. There are so many who have it together much more than I. I am constantly faced with my weaknesses and my inability to keep it all together. There are many who are more patient and loving and kind and organized and efficient...

Even after walking with Him all these years I still feel weak and desperate and scared to be separated from Him. He is my only Hope...still my only Hope. Without Him I would destroy myself and hurt all those around me.

Yet because He lives inside of me, this great God has called me to great things. He has called me, the impatient woman who struggles to keep her house in order and selfishly battles serving her family, to be a wife and a mom. He has called me, the one who doesn't return emails or phone calls, to be a friend. He calls me, the one who doesn't like to go 2 miles away from her house, to go to Africa 3 times a year to encourage orphans. He calls me to things outside of myself and my natural limits and giftings. He calls me to be a living sacrifice.

Some days I think I just can not do it. I can not bare to take another trip across the ocean to spend time with children only to cry half way home 2 weeks later. I can not not meet the physical and emotional needs of my own 3 children. I can't open myself up to fully love 2 extra children not knowing when their last day in our home will be. I can't serve my husband as though I were serving Jesus when at the end of the day I am holding on by a thread. I just don't have it in me.

Today was one of those days. He let me come to the end of myself. I can't do anything He has asked of me. I can't. I don't have what it takes in my natural ability or giftings.

After crying out to Him begging for strength and mercy...He reminded me through Romans that His grace is what saved me and His grace is what I must rely on every moment of every good and bad day. He is able to keep all of His promises to me. He is able to to make His grace abound towards me in my moments of weakness and trial and sin. If He gave His Son for me while I was His enemy, how much more now that I have been adopted by Him, does He lavish His love and grace on me.

I will never understand how He loves me the way He does. I will never understand how come He keeps calling me to partner with Him to love and serve and be poured out in the same way He was...I am not worthy. I will never understand why He is so patient and long suffering even when I stubbornly try to go outside of Him to find satisfaction for my soul. I will never understand how come this awesome and wonderful and mighty God has given me, of all people, such honor and purpose and unlimited chances when I fail so much. I am choosing to accept the mystery of not understanding. I don't have to fully understand, I simply must worship Him for the greatness of who He is and live in humility at His feet seeking Him with all that I am. I want to want Him, I want to obey Him, I want to depend on Him, I want to lose myself completely inside of His Son so that He can be more glorified through my messy and broken life!!!!

I want for my heart to know that His grace is sufficent for me today, tomorrow and every day after that...