Confessions

I am a week or so into a 40 day fast. I am trying not to keep up with the days so I don't lose heart. I felt the Lord leading this and I was excited because I LONG to be closer to Him. I long to have Him do spring cleaning right in the middle of winter inside my heart. Honestly my heart can be so deceitfully wicked at times. I do not even understand myself. So I am doing whatever it takes to be closer to the One who does. Here is where I am at in the process...

I am a mess. I have so much junk that I have shoved in the recesses of my heart because I do not want to have to deal with my sin. I distract myself with a thousand little gods. I have things I have tried to 'hide' from God because at times I simply do not believe His word enough to put it into practice. Then at the right moment when my heart is attentive to His Voice I stumble across verses like this one:

Ephesians 3:12 In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Me: Really Lord? Really? You mean to tell me that the gospel is true for ME and applies completely no matter how big my sin or failure. Him: (I am sure with a big smile on His face) YES!

I can't even keep my stinkin' fast for a week without cheating...the fast that is meant to be dedicated to seek His face so He can get more glory out of my life. And then He speaks to me again...

Galatians 5:4 You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.

I think sometimes when it comes to myself, I miss the point of the cross. I want to know Him and love Him more. So this is where He brings me to. Back to these elementary truths. The gospel is good news for ME! I have to get this to explain with passion and conviction that it is good news for others.

Since my ears were open He also wanted to tell me this:

Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

I snuck into my closet this morning and with my face to the floor confessed all I could think of then asked Him to bring to mind any hidden sin. What I found was not condemnation but instead mercy. The tears that came did not sting with bitterness but were cleansing and led me to worship Him. He is the God that I DO NOT DESERVE! He pours out grace in my very best moment and in my very worst. If I really believed that I could approach God with freedom and confidence because of Jesus' payment for ALL of my sin when He died on the cross for me...then I would freely confess my sins at all times. I would not hide from Him in fear or shame.

I hurt people around me. I reject others and don't value them. I withhold affection from those who deserve it. I think more highly of myself more than I should. I crave the approval of people. I turn to other things for comfort in my stress. I am selfish...very selfish. I want to control in situations where I am afraid. I demand holiness out of my children that I can't even produce in myself. Oh...my list can go on and on and on. While all of these things are vague, I have become very specific with God in recent days. I do not want to act as if His sacrifice isn't enough for me while telling others it is enough for them.

Not only am I confessing to Him and you my sin. I am renouncing them. I do not want to live in these same patterns of selfish, fearful, rebellious living. I long for holiness in the innermost parts of my heart and mind. So I am asking Him to help me REALLY believe that the same power that kept Jesus on the cross in submission to His Father's will is alive inside of me. This power has the ability to help me make war against the sinful patterns I have developed in the way I treat people.

I want to be like Him so much!!! I want to treat others the way I want to be treated. I want to love my neighbor and my enemy in the same way I love myself. I am powerless to do this in my own strength but this is why He came and died, so I don't have to...because I can't, I have tried and tried again. And today, as I type this I believe that it is possible to become like Him because of my sweet Savior's sacrifice.

The gospel is not only good news for you but for me to!!!