(And really I have been so convicted to write in this blog...more than anything so that I will have a written record of my journey and for anyone else who might need encouragement as desperately as I do daily...so this was an easy way to express where Jesus and I are at and encourage you without writing it a second time. We all know convos with our closest friends are when we are the most transparent and vulnerable so I am kinda going out on a limb here.... AND 6 children is making me into the master multi-tasker! AND I love that God invented copying and pasting! OK, that's all of my random thoughts for now.)
Ok, I think I might know what is going on. I'm REALLY being purified. I'm tearing down the straw man that I am even a teeny weeny bit righteous on my own. I think He is still revealing to me layers at a time of the gospel. I asked to know it, be worthy of it and live it out back when we were meeting in your condo. This is all part of that answer. He's wanting to show me how human and dust-like I am so I do not become self-righteous or self-sufficient or for a moment try to live on yesterday's manna! He's wanting me to see the glory and the beauty of the cross for ME so I can teach it to my children, my friends, my enemies, strangers. I can not teach effectively what I do not know. I prayed to grow in the knowledge and grace of Jesus a few months ago. He's pulling back His shield and protection a bit so I can see that my only Worth and Hope is Jesus and then to preach this from the mountaintops. I feel a bit like Samson when his hair was cut and his strength was gone. The difference is I know He is controlling and managing all of this chaos for His glory and my good and for a precise purpose! He's teaching me to walk in grace and holiness by being desperate and humble. Crystal ,He has done a miracle in my life. I'm a living, walking miracle. I could not live a second without Him. I would be crushed by the weight of it all. Yet I know I'm called to give and serve and lay down my life EVEN more...yet I'm maxed out. So He's pruning me, adding on extra weights to build my spiritual muscles for my benefit and the benefit of those around me. He has made me a mother to the Nations and is building generations through me...yet I'm Peter. I'll deny Him in my own flesh but in His Spirit I can scale a wall and move a mountain. I'm 'getting' grace. I'm understanding it. I have to fall at the mercy seat of the cross! I have to find my strength and worth and purpose and power there. And I have to teach others this truth! So here's the logistics...
In my humanness I'm just wanting to homeschool my kids and do the laundry and discipline in love and have long talks and quality time with the kids here at home and have a 'normal' life...and...and... and realizing that isn't going to happen!!!! I am not normal because Jesus will not let me be. I'm stuck! I'm so desperately in love with Him that I can't turn back. I'm so far out in the deep that the shore us nowhere in sight and He's calling me DEEPER STILL! Yet if I take my eyes off Him for a millisecond I'm drowning!!! He won't take away names a faces of kids needing education in Sierra Leone, He won't let me ignore the reality that the godliest people I know can turn out to be like David in the bible. He won't let me just have a normal life. He won't. He wants me poured out until nothing is left and then return to His Well to refill on His Living Water so I can be poured out again!
And He won't let me turn to false comforts or quick fleshly relief to escape the weight and pain and hardness of it all because He's teaching me that true joy in the midst of the weight and pain and hardness of it all is only found in Him! Ok....there you have it. Aren't you glad you asked for details.
Oh thank you for letting me throw up in you. I know you are in the thick of wedding planning and I hate to unload on you but I feel a weight lifted. So few get me or understand. I know you know. And I know you'll pray. And I know you'll rejoice with me when new fruit sprouts on the vine and when a harvest of righteousness and peace are produced in me from this season of submitting to His loving discipline!!! I love you sweet BFF!
And He won't let me turn to false comforts or quick fleshly relief to escape the weight and pain and hardness of it all because He's teaching me that true joy in the midst of the weight and pain and hardness of it all is only found in Him! Ok....there you have it. Aren't you glad you asked for details.
Oh thank you for letting me throw up in you. I know you are in the thick of wedding planning and I hate to unload on you but I feel a weight lifted. So few get me or understand. I know you know. And I know you'll pray. And I know you'll rejoice with me when new fruit sprouts on the vine and when a harvest of righteousness and peace are produced in me from this season of submitting to His loving discipline!!! I love you sweet BFF!
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