Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

I am back from Sierra Leone. By the grace of God I am settling back into my American life. This transition is always unique for me. I don’t think it is ever easy.

I am not sure where to start so I guess I will start from the beginning.

We missed our flight in London and had to stay the night at a hotel. We had to take two extra flights and go through many extra hours of travelling starting the next evening. We finally arrived two days after we were supposed to. I can now say I have walked on the land of Kenya…if walking from the airport to the airplane counts 

This whole process forced me to depend on Him. I was discouraged. I was heart sick. I did not want to be in London. I did not care about seeing Big Ben or St. Peter’s Cathedral. At that moment I didn’t care about the opportunity to learn about London’s rich history. I wanted to see Pastor Hassan’s face and hold my African sons hand on the drive to the orphanage. I wanted to walk up the familiar hill to the home. I longed to see beautiful African women with babies tied to their backs while they carried bowls of bread on top of their heads. I wanted to be greeted by 90 orphans smiling faces. I wanted to sit and hug my African sons and daughters and have them tell me about how they are doing in school, what they have been reading in the bible, how their lives have been during our 5 month separation. I wanted to spend every waking moment of the 10 days I had been planning with the ones I love. God has His own way. God has His own timing. God has His own plan. So I chose to trust Him.

In looking back I know the Lord used the extra travel and missed planes to prepare me to do His will while I was in SL. He used the extra time and the fatigue to allow me to be emptied of myself, to be weak so I could experience more of His strength. In my emotional and physical weakness I cried out to Him. Through this He revealed many things in my heart. Things I needed to let go of...ways I wasn’t trusting Him. He brought me near.

I secretly think He stretched out the days while I was there. It did not feel like we lost two days. In fact it felt as if He multiplied every day we were in country. The days were long and they were full. Full of His love, His purposes, His voice, His breath, His joy, His sorrow, His wisdom, His counsel, His will.

Like never before I felt as if this must have been the culture Jesus walked in while on the earth. I reflected on all I have learned about His life through the gospels. I am certain if He were here today He would be walking among the poorest groups of people in the world…giving the willing ones a spiritual richness...living water.

At one point we were telling Pastor Hassan we wanted to understand the culture of Sierra Leone so we could best minister to the children. He told us we only needed to read the bible to understand his culture. This has stood out in my mind. If I want to understand Jesus more…the compassion He had, I need to understand the culture He lived in, the people He walked among, the struggles they faced. What better place than Sierra Leone, Africa, the poorest, most undeveloped nation in the world.

Each time I go, I understand a little more. Each time I go, I feel a little closer to Jesus. I know God has ordained for me to live here, in America, for such a time as this. I know that He is has also purposed for me to walk among those He walked among, and to have an opportunity to pour into their lives so I can experience more of His compassion for others…even more of His compassion for me.

The first night I laid on my bed trying and write out all the ways I was grateful for finally being with those I had longed to see. My prayer of thanksgiving turned into weeping. I could not stop my tears. I was faced with my weakness, my sin, my tight grip on my own plan. I remember telling the Lord how sorry I was for all the ways I don’t trust Him, for all the ways my sin and my selfishness affect others, for all the ways I try to control and have my own way, for all the ways I rely on my own strength instead of His. I told Him I just wanted Him to have his way. I realized that I am dust and He doesn’t need me to accomplish His will. He is God. He is sovereign. He is the One in control. I told Him how humbled I was that He would use me. ME…of all people….to love and serve these precious ones. I told Him how I felt unworthy and yet loved deeply all at the same time.

I did not fully understand where the tears were coming from. I just know in that moment I was broken, and I felt His compassion for me. I felt Him comfort me, reminding me that He sympathizes with my weaknesses, and like Him, like the body of Christ in Sierra Leone, He wants me to learn obedience from the things I suffer. This is His love for me. He had given me a glorious opportunity to become like Him in my brokenness.

This was the foundation He laid for the trip. He built on that foundation for the next 8 days. Pray I can put into words all He wants me to share. There was so much. At the end of each day I would marvel at ALL He had done. It was miraculous. It was as much a miracle as giving sight to the blind or turning water into wine.

I see Him a little more clearly now. Pray that I will ponder all these things in my heart. Pray every ounce of love He poured into me there I would pour back out here. Pray I would seek Him more than ever because I have seen His love and compassion in a new way. Pray I would live only to do His will!

Over the next few posts may you enjoy hearing about the beautiful people of Sierra Leone and may you hear God speak to you through their lives as He has to me.