The River of Blood Hit the Dirt

This post was written by my husband, Jerome Crawford.

The river of blood hit the dirt.
And the whole earth mourned.
And the whole world shook.
As we watched, they nailed Him to a tree.
Oh the wretched souls of sinners like me.

Do you ever wonder what it was like in that moment? I wonder what it felt like for Peter in that moment “when the blood hit the dirt”. Oh the regret! Knowing how much he had resisted Him. Even to the point of rebuking the Creator. Oh the shame! Knowing his last act of denial was witnessed by beaten Christ as He was dragged along on the way to the cross. Oh God! The regret and shame must have been overwhelming!

My soul hurts for him because I know exactly how it felt! Every day I feel the weight of my sin! I cry out for mercy! Oh the regret that I do not seek Him more! Oh the shame! The times I deny Him with my sin! Sometimes I cannot lift my head because I know He is in the room and I want to be more for Him.

Faint and weary You have sought me.
My savior God to the cross you have bought me.
What a Love You sung for my salvation.
What a cost Your wondrous incarnation.
God you came. God you came. God You came down.

I am not sure when Peter realized that all that blood hitting the dirt was for him. He denied Him while He was on the way to die for Him. When the ephinany came it must have been overwhelming. “I denied Him when He was on the way to die for me but He just kept walking on". What a joy it is to know that while we still sin everyday right in from of Him GOD KEEPS WALKING! The blood still hit the ground!

Oh God please do not let me take this for granted! Many will watch the blood fall and not be moved an inch. They will go about their lives just accepting who they are, ignoring the sound of the river that has hit the ground and will soon wash them into eternity. But I will not! I will feel the weight and I will cry out for Your mercy! I will submit to the current of that mighty river and seek Your face! The current will drive me to holiness and discipline. Oh God you came down and watched our denial, our shame...and You still keep walking. So I will keep walking toward more knowledge of you, more sacrifice for those in need and more holiness in my life! I will make war against myself till the day I die!

Sacrifice and Suffering

As I follow Him it seems like my life is defined more and more by sacrifice and suffering. I thank Him for this, realizing it is an honor. But it doesn't mean it is any less difficult.

In recent years some of the things He has led us into have been heart breaking. Friends have misunderstood us. People in ministry have opposed us. Enemies have ridiculed us. Family has rejected us. Those we served have attacked us. People we love have been shamed and we've been persecuted for standing with them. Friendships have been left to run on auto-pilot because I'm steeped in raising 6 children in America and 100 more in Africa. Jerome and I literally laugh each week as the new trial comes in full force. We are no longer surprised. I am learning to rejoice quicker, even if it is through tears of sadness or confusion.

God pours out grace and mercy in the midst of these things. He has given us a few incredibly supportive friends, a handful a supporters who faithfully help us, and an insatiable craving for more of Him.

I have learned more about the gospel these last 3 years than I have the first 12 that I walked with Him. It makes so much more sense to me now that He tells us to do things like take up our cross and follow Him, to find our lives we must lose them, to share in His sufferings is an honor. Now I see that the things of this world really don't satisfy. Now I delight to store up treasures in heaven knowing that He is the Pearl of great cost and giving our lives for His kindgdom is where true joy is found!

A lot of my days are hard. I wake up with my sinful self asking for His mercy and guidance and Presence because I simply can't get through the day without it. I am in way over my head and am drowning in my weakness the moment I take my eyes off of Him. My day is filled with caring for children, that part I love, the part I don't like at all is discipling them. It is messy, they all have their issues and personalities that clash and their own areas of sin that they struggle with. I am the one responsible for training them in righteousness...NO PRESSURE! I fail most times but hit the mark here and there and trust His grace to cover it all!

I sneak in a few phone calls to my African children and the pastor they call Dad to see how everyone is doing. Most of my text conversations are with my friend over how much rice the kids need, when their tuition is due, which ones are sick and need medical care and how we can meet the needs of all 100 of them with a few loaves of bread and fish?? My prayers are consumed with asking for helpers, strength to stand firm against opposition and for God to graciously keep using us in their lives.

My days of play dates, hair appointments, shopping, coffee with girlfriends, phone conversations just to chat are no where in sight.

I am not complaining because my life is richer and deeper than it has ever been. Every single sacrifice He has asked me to make has been worth it. Every ounce of suffering that He has asked me to share with Him has brought joy beyond measure. He is the Pearl of great cost and I will keep sacrificing and suffering if it means I know Him more!

Confessions

I am a week or so into a 40 day fast. I am trying not to keep up with the days so I don't lose heart. I felt the Lord leading this and I was excited because I LONG to be closer to Him. I long to have Him do spring cleaning right in the middle of winter inside my heart. Honestly my heart can be so deceitfully wicked at times. I do not even understand myself. So I am doing whatever it takes to be closer to the One who does. Here is where I am at in the process...

I am a mess. I have so much junk that I have shoved in the recesses of my heart because I do not want to have to deal with my sin. I distract myself with a thousand little gods. I have things I have tried to 'hide' from God because at times I simply do not believe His word enough to put it into practice. Then at the right moment when my heart is attentive to His Voice I stumble across verses like this one:

Ephesians 3:12 In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Me: Really Lord? Really? You mean to tell me that the gospel is true for ME and applies completely no matter how big my sin or failure. Him: (I am sure with a big smile on His face) YES!

I can't even keep my stinkin' fast for a week without cheating...the fast that is meant to be dedicated to seek His face so He can get more glory out of my life. And then He speaks to me again...

Galatians 5:4 You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.

I think sometimes when it comes to myself, I miss the point of the cross. I want to know Him and love Him more. So this is where He brings me to. Back to these elementary truths. The gospel is good news for ME! I have to get this to explain with passion and conviction that it is good news for others.

Since my ears were open He also wanted to tell me this:

Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

I snuck into my closet this morning and with my face to the floor confessed all I could think of then asked Him to bring to mind any hidden sin. What I found was not condemnation but instead mercy. The tears that came did not sting with bitterness but were cleansing and led me to worship Him. He is the God that I DO NOT DESERVE! He pours out grace in my very best moment and in my very worst. If I really believed that I could approach God with freedom and confidence because of Jesus' payment for ALL of my sin when He died on the cross for me...then I would freely confess my sins at all times. I would not hide from Him in fear or shame.

I hurt people around me. I reject others and don't value them. I withhold affection from those who deserve it. I think more highly of myself more than I should. I crave the approval of people. I turn to other things for comfort in my stress. I am selfish...very selfish. I want to control in situations where I am afraid. I demand holiness out of my children that I can't even produce in myself. Oh...my list can go on and on and on. While all of these things are vague, I have become very specific with God in recent days. I do not want to act as if His sacrifice isn't enough for me while telling others it is enough for them.

Not only am I confessing to Him and you my sin. I am renouncing them. I do not want to live in these same patterns of selfish, fearful, rebellious living. I long for holiness in the innermost parts of my heart and mind. So I am asking Him to help me REALLY believe that the same power that kept Jesus on the cross in submission to His Father's will is alive inside of me. This power has the ability to help me make war against the sinful patterns I have developed in the way I treat people.

I want to be like Him so much!!! I want to treat others the way I want to be treated. I want to love my neighbor and my enemy in the same way I love myself. I am powerless to do this in my own strength but this is why He came and died, so I don't have to...because I can't, I have tried and tried again. And today, as I type this I believe that it is possible to become like Him because of my sweet Savior's sacrifice.

The gospel is not only good news for you but for me to!!!