My Story - Part 5

My mom married Steve and we moved to Seiling to live with him and his mom, Joy. Seiling was a little bigger than Taloga...but not much. Joy had a 2 bedroom house with a basement. My mom, Steve, Steven and I lived in the basement. Eventually I moved to the spare room upstairs.

During these years I got some post cards from my dad...but never a visit.

Joy owned one of the 2 bars in town. This is where Joy, my mom and Steve spent most of the their time. This is where they worked and hung out. This left me at home babysitting Steven ALOT. I hated being at home at night by myself. I loved being with my little brother though. Taking care of him gave me purpose and something else to focus on.

Steve was a pot head and an alcoholic. Him and my mom smoked pot in front of me all the time...daily. I remember having a friend over from school once. She saw marijuana on a tray in the basement and asked what it was. I told her it was herbs used for cooking. (This makes me laugh now). My mom and Steve drank and got high on a regular basis. My mom and Steve fought occasionally. I remember him being passive.

Steve and I had no connection. I have no memories of he and I having any personal conversations or time together. In fact, I felt he would be happier if I just wasn't there.

Although everything was still very dysfunctional I felt like there was a bit more stability. I don't remember feeling constant fear and anxiety anymore. I have some good memories from the 3rd and 4th grade while we lived in Seiling. I walked my brother to main street to get his first hair cut. I would walk him up to the library. We had an Easter egg hunt in the back yard together. He was around 2 years old and an absolute doll! He was the most adorable little boy. I will have to figure out how to scan pictures at the end to show you all how cute he was.

I adjusted to school. I had friends. I had little girl crushes on boys. I tried out for the pee-wee cheer leading team at the end of the 4th grade and made it. My mom brought a yellow carnation in a vase with a black ribbon on it to school as a congratulations gift. (Seiling's school colors were black and gold). I remember how happy this made me. This was not something she would normally do and I wanted to keep it forever.

We all moved to upstate New York that summer. Steve's dad owned race horses. He asked Steve to come work for him.

We lived in NY for the 5th and part of the 6th grade. My mom and Steve fought a lot. My mom would go into emotional rages. Steve would just take it most of the time. I can't imagine what she was going thru on the inside. She had many things to process and deal with...yet she wasn't dealing with any of it at all...she was just covering it up with drugs and alcohol.

I remember hanging out in race track bars quite a bit.

If I could describe my mom at this point I would say she was determined...a hard worker...and emotionally unstable. We never had warm, cozy mom/daughter moments. This makes me sad...for her. I know if she could go back in time she would do it differently.

There was a boy that beat me up at the bus stop once. I hated waiting for the bus. He always made fun of me. Other than that, I felt somewhat normal.

School still was an awkward place for me. I learned to manage though. I didn't let my insecurity show as much. I had learned to wear masks at this point to cover things up.

I started craving the attention of boys around these years. I thought I looked as awkward as I felt so I knew no boy would give me a second look. Still no memories of praying to God or thinking about him.

The fighting between my mom and Steve increased. She finally left him and brought me and Steven back to Oklahoma to live with my mammaw and her new husband in Edmond. I finished out the 6th grade at Sequoyah Middle School...

Tomorrow I will pick up with 6th, 7th and 8th grade. These are the years that God resurfaces in my thinking. The day after I will talk about 9th, 10th and 11th grade. (11th grade is when I finally dropped out.) Then we will get into my adult choices...which include the crazy life of a drug addicted stripper. Hopefully in the next few days I will be all the way to 21 when I FINALLY got saved.

You all are being so patient. Thank you.

When writing about my mom I am writing as I remember her. Please read about her with this in mind. I have no idea what it is like to walk thru the things she walked thru with one and eventually 2 kids. I have no idea what kind of things she went thru as a child. I can imagine that the pain and guilt and sin she was trying to manage in her own strength was a constant weight. I did no better than her as you will soon see....until I surrendered my life to Christ. Apart from him I would have continued to make the choices she did. I have no stone to throw at her...I have no room to think that I am better than her. My best works are like filthy rags before Him. He is the only thing that makes me righteous and pure. She did the best she could without Him. It could have been worse. I have heard the stories of others who have been thru much more than me....

She has had a life long struggle with drugs and alcohol. She is not using now. I have compassion for her. She is not the same person today that she was then. God is slowly changing her...and slowly healing our relationship from the years of damage. (I will talk more about this later). I love her and am honored to be her daughter. I am honored to have the joy of loving her and praying for her. I pray God would use me to show her that in this current chapter of her own life she can experience His forgiveness, joy and peace. There is no room for me to hold onto bitterness or grudges. If the only reason He redeemed my life is to be a vessel of His love and hope to her...let it be so!

Tune in tomorrow for the 6th, 7th and 8th grade...