He Has Broken My Heart!

He has broken my heart in Africa…once again.  But He is also healing it in new ways. 

 

When I was a little girl I grew up without a dad.  I grew up watching my mom be abused by men. I grew up watching my little brother’s dad adopt him…only to abandon him a few short years later.  I grew up having men molest me, rape me, when they should have been protecting me.  I grew up in a great battle for my soul.  The goal of the enemy…to take away my ability to trust…to trust God as my Savior…to trust that I could give myself fully to Him…to trust His plan for my life…to trust that whatever He asked of me was for my good and not to harm me…to trust that He was not like the men that abused me as a little girl…or even like the men I would later dance for in strip clubs who saw only the value of my sexuality.  God wanted more for me that what I had been given.  God in His goodness allowed pain, wounds and trauma to be sifted through His sovereign fingers into my life so that I would one day cry out to Him in desperation.  The things done against me and the sin I willfully entered into almost destroyed my life.  But God rescued me. At just the right time. When I was powerless.  When, in my wounded-ness and sin I had set my heart against Him…the only One able to heal and make new…He died for me.  He pursued me.  He saw every traumatic event, every moment of rejection, all the moments I cried in paralyzing fear as a child unable to understand the pain in my heart.  Unable to fix it or make it stop. He saw.  He was there.  And then at just the right time He came in and saved the day…saved my life…and began making me whole.

 

I am not whole yet.  His work in me is not complete.  I am still wounded.  I trust more and I’m afraid less but His work in my heart is not finished.  I walk with an incredible weakness and at times feel as if I am constantly struggling to love deeply without fear.  Yet I am increasingly aware of His faithfulness and goodness in all of this!

 

I wouldn’t change anything. 

 

You see, now I am taking care of children who were wounded and rejected even more deeply than I.  Here in my own home I have seen the wounds in the hearts of children I care for.  I have seen the fear in their eyes.  The great struggle they have in learning to trust.  The confusion they battle from not understanding.  BUT I have seen the power of God’s love transforming their lives as I choose to love them deeply because He first loved me.  I see them start to be able to trust as I recount His faithfulness over and over to them.  I see them start to understand…start to blossom…start to be free as I pray day after day over them.  I see them start to believe that God is good as I share His word with them.  I see joy burst forth as I snuggle and play with them.  I know the work is not complete.  But as I make myself available He is flowing through me.  The great beauty of this is….HE IS HEALING ME through these grace-filled, moment-by-moment acts of obedience to do His will.  It requires that I die to myself.  It requires that I sacrifice and pour out my life when I want to cling to my comfort and control my own days.  My future is in His hands and my healing is in my surrender to His will. 

 

I have returned to Africa time and time again only because I feel such a call to the people of Sierra Leone.  I feel as if He has carried me every step in my ministry to these precious ones over the last 4 ½ years.  All the dots seemed to be connected this visit.  He opened my heart this time to see a little more clearly what He has been doing.  The nation of Sierra Leone has been broken by violence, greed…evil.  The only thing that can fix it is the gospel.  Money will never work.  The love of God flowing through those willing to be broken by what breaks His heart and resolved enough to persevere and stay the course is what is needed.  He has asked many to open up their eyes and see…really see the pain…in the hearts of the orphans…in the eyes of the people.  And not only see but be moved to act.  Love is action.  Compassion is action.  Consistent, steadfast action. I saw a fresh glimpse of what these children have been through.  They are growing into young adults.  The battle in some ways is getting more fierce.  They are carrying deep wounds into their adulthood from trauma you and I will likely never be able to wrap our minds around.  Like me…they are walking with incredible weakness.  They have a man, their spiritual dad, who has not shrunk back in his care for them.  They have a few missionaries who have kept their promise to not forget or forsake them.  But what they need is what I need…healing that comes from trusting God enough to love others deeply with the same love they have been shown in the Cross.  This trip was my favorite.  It really was.  I saw a harvest being reaped.  I came as one with very little to offer.  A small team of just 3 of us girls.  A little bit of money.  And a LOT of love.  I watched the missionaries pour love into the children and the children pour love into the missionaries.  I watched the once teenaged boys, now young men, take constant care of us with the most endearing, pure affection.  I saw young women full of pride at being in the university while others humbly served us by cooking and cleaning for us with joy.  My children have risen up and call me blessed.  I could not be prouder of them! 

 

On our 24 hours of travel to Sierra Leone, us 3 girls shared our stories with each other.  We each had stories of pain, weakness, and failure BUT each of us is now relentlessly pursuing the God we love.  I know that in the 12 days God kept us on African soil He poured His love and comfort and healing balm into our lives through the children…and He did the same for the children through us. 

 

I will never understand the mystery of the glory of the gospel of Jesus Christ but I will always praise Him for its beauty and power.  I will spend all of my days in worship.  Pouring myself out.  Trusting deeper.  Loving greater.  All in hopes that the kingdom of God will be lifted up and His Name made great through my broken life.  I will say yes to the next stranger He asks me to invite in, the next wound he asks me to bandage, the next brother he asks me to be persecuted with, the next widow He asks me to visit, the next orphan He asks me to care for…I will say Yes!  I don’t care if I am called a fool…I will spend my life worshiping Him in this way!  As I do may my healing come and His light shine in the darkness through me.

 

What has He asked you to do in His Name..For His glory?  Whatever it is, let your answer be yes.  He can be trusted.  I promise your joy will no know bounds!  He will give you all the grace you need every single moment.

 

Precious believer…join me in pouring out our lives for the sake of the gospel and our King!  He is worth it!  You will see Him and know Him in greater ways.  Yes, this alone is reason enough to be a living sacrifice! 

My Quest for Joy

I went to Africa on a quest for Joy.

Where do I begin?

God is faithful. So faithful.  Even when I am not.  He can not change who He is.  I love this about Him.  I love that He is perfect and constant in His character and never changes.  I am learning to take great comfort in His sovereignty.  I am seeing Him less as human and more as God.  He is not like us.  He is holy.  High and lifted up.  His ways are not our ways.  In fact they are far beyond understanding.  He is the most beautiful mystery I have ever known. 

He has rescued me from the pit.  Brought me from darkness to light.  He has peeled back layer after layer of His greatness for me to see over the years.  I never would have imagined I could know such joy, beauty, sorrow, pain, purpose all bound up in His Son alive inside of my heart. 

I keep getting these snapshots of what He intends for spiritual family to look like.  The intimacy and care that He wants for us to have for each other.  Letting go of every non-eternal thing that doesn’t matter.  Casting off every idol and sin that gets in the way.  Intentionally growing deep roots with people and inviting strangers into the family He is creating among us.  There is always room for another if they are willing to come and make their home with us.  No one will be turned away.  There are many rooms in His house.  I see an earthly picture of this when 100 orphans are piled into a few small spaces in Africa living as one family.  I see it when God brings one child after another into my own home here in America.  This space He has given us is filling up with people and our hearts are filling up with joy.  Why?  Because this is what matters.  Living together to bring Him glory.  Serving Him together for the joy of others. 

So when I feel weary, foolish, rejected by man.  My heart cries out…YOU ARE FAITHFUL…YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I AM LIVING FOR…YOU ARE MY PORTION AND MY REWARD…YOU ARE WORTH EVVERY TRIAL, TEAR AND SUFFERING…YOU ARE MY SOURCE OF JOY!  Not my spacious living conditions. Not my material possessions. Not my status among men.  No, YOU Lord Jesus are my joy.  Living to do your will.  Living to fight the good fight.  Living to know You more.  Living to pour out my life for your causes.  Living to make You known to others. This is where true joy is found.  This joy inside your Son that wells up despite poverty of spirit, lack of resources, weakness and inability to live for you on my own.  Your joy can not be taken.  It is a gift from you.  What you have given to me, no man can take away. Your joy is deeply rooted in me by the power of your Spirit and it’s evidence is known to me more and more as I seek You and obey what Your Word calls me to.

When I got on a plane to fly to Africa for the 12^th time 2 weeks ago I was on a quest for joy.  I had determined to fight for it.  I had spent a great deal of effort seeking it out.  I knew if I was going to not grow weary in doing His will that I must have joy even if it meant chasing it down.  So I searched the Scriptures, fasted, prayed out loud on my knees, asking God over and over like the persistent widow.  He heard my cries and answered.  I am back in my home country and I have brought His Joy with me.  It is real, alive and rooted in my heart.  He has given it to me and I will hold onto it with all of His power that is a work within me. 

He died for us while we were His enemies.  We brought nothing to the table but sin.  He gave us life when we deserved death.  How much more does He want to give us the good things we ask for now that we are His children?  Ask Him for what seems impossible.  Watch as He answers in ways that are beyond your comprehension.  He is a good God and He has good gifts in His hands to give us.  Let us seek Him and wait on Him in trust to provide everything we need for life and godliness.  He who is faithful (even when we are not) WILL DO IT!

 

Praying for you precious ones!

The Power of a Raindrop

I am overwhelmed with His plans.  All morning long I have been remembering conversations I have had in the last couple of years and I am seeing how they all fit with what God is doing today.  I did not know that it was God speaking, the words passed in one ear and out the otherostensibly without effect. I did not know that they were rippling through eternity with power.  My heart should have stopped as I listened.  What power he wields!  He whispers in our ears the smallest message, just a drop of water falling from the sky.  Before we know it the drops from all locations form a river that changes the face of the earth. Mountains leveled and valleys formed! Before we know it new beauties are formed and old beauties are forgotten.

My mind wants to see every drop that was responsible but I cannot as one enters my mind another is lost. As I ponder each drop I am amazed at His power but I cannot predict or see the plan. But when the new beauty forms I am amazed. I see it and know that it is good!

How amazing He is! I love you God! It is too simple for You to form or level mountains with the snap of Your finger. InsteadYou orchestrate a chorus of the smallest raindrops to paint the most amazing detailed pictures.  A man could take a lifetime and never see all the details of one of them!

Lord please take every moment of my life and form Yourraindrops. Fill my life with the purpose of Your Glory. Expand my heart so I can see Your Glory.  May every thought and every word be under Your control. Help me see Your power in everything I do!

He is Worth it ALL!

My BFF text me tonight to ask me to process my anxiety....here was my response:

(And really I have been so convicted to write in this blog...more than anything so that I will have a written record of my journey and for anyone else who might need encouragement as desperately as I do daily...so this was an easy way to express where Jesus and I are at and encourage you without writing it a second time.  We all know convos with our closest friends are when we are the most transparent and vulnerable so I am kinda going out on a limb here....  AND 6 children is making me into the master multi-tasker!  AND I love that God invented copying and pasting!  OK, that's all of my random thoughts for now.)

Ok, I think I might know what is going on. I'm REALLY being purified. I'm tearing down the straw man that I am even a teeny weeny bit righteous on my own. I think He is still revealing to me layers at a time of the gospel. I asked to know it, be worthy of it and live it out back when we were meeting in your condo. This is all part of that answer. He's wanting to show me how human and dust-like I am so I do not become self-righteous or self-sufficient or for a moment try to live on yesterday's manna! He's wanting me to see the glory and the beauty of the cross for ME so I can teach it to my children, my friends, my enemies, strangers. I can not teach effectively what I do not know. I prayed to grow in the knowledge and grace of Jesus a few months ago. He's pulling back His shield and protection a bit so I can see that my only Worth and Hope is Jesus and then to preach this from the mountaintops. I feel a bit like Samson when his hair was cut and his strength was gone. The difference is I know He is controlling and managing all of this chaos for His glory and my good and for a precise purpose! He's teaching me to walk in grace and holiness by being desperate and humble. Crystal ,He has done a miracle in my life. I'm a living, walking miracle. I could not live a second without Him. I would be crushed by the weight of it all. Yet I know I'm called to give and serve and lay down my life EVEN more...yet I'm maxed out. So He's pruning me, adding on extra weights to build my spiritual muscles for my benefit and the benefit of those around me. He has made me a mother to the Nations and is building generations through me...yet I'm Peter.  I'll deny Him in my own flesh but in His Spirit I can scale a wall and move a mountain. I'm 'getting' grace. I'm understanding it. I have to fall at the mercy seat of the cross! I have to find my strength and worth and purpose and power there. And I have to teach others this truth! So here's the logistics...

 

In my humanness I'm just wanting to homeschool my kids and do the laundry and discipline in love and have long talks and quality time with the kids here at home and have a 'normal' life...and...and... and realizing that isn't going to happen!!!! I am not normal because Jesus will not let me be. I'm stuck! I'm so desperately in love with Him that I can't turn back. I'm so far out in the deep that the shore us nowhere in sight and He's calling me DEEPER STILL! Yet if I take my eyes off Him for a millisecond I'm drowning!!! He won't take away names a faces of kids needing education in Sierra Leone, He won't let me ignore the reality that the godliest people I know can turn out to be like David in the bible.  He won't let me just have a normal life. He won't. He wants me poured out until nothing is left and then return to His Well to refill on His Living Water so I can be poured out again!
And He won't let me turn to false comforts or quick fleshly relief to escape the weight and pain and hardness of it all because He's teaching me that true joy in the midst of the weight and pain and hardness of it all is only found in Him! Ok....there you have it. Aren't you glad you asked for details.
Oh thank you for letting me throw up in you. I know you are in the thick of wedding planning and I hate to unload on you but I feel a weight lifted. So few get me or understand. I know you know. And I know you'll pray. And I know you'll rejoice with me when new fruit sprouts on the vine and when a harvest of righteousness and peace are produced in me from this season of submitting to His loving discipline!!! I love you sweet BFF!

 

God of the Hopeless

Written by Jerome:

There were 6 in the room including me. I looked around, every wall of the converted garage was covered with large posters of Eddy from Iron Maiden fame. LSD was blazing through my veins. Yes everything was normal except for the words that I was hearing. One of my good friends was bringing a startling message:

 “This will show them.”
“What other way will we get their attention?"
“What other HOPE do we have?" 

5 sets of LSD flushed eyes stared back at him but there was no response but a clear tacit approval. He is serious and no one was arguing with him! Finally after a few minutes some responded that they were with him. I wanted to argue, mainly because I was afraid of dying, but I did not have anything to argue back with. I hated my life, why shouldn’t I kill myself?  I was tormented. I hated the world and all of its BS. Anytime I would try anything in hope, I failed.  I knew even if I went back to school or got a good job or started a family I would still be miserable. Fear was alive in my body. I was afraid to die. Even if I said no they could still kill me.
 
I was the first to say no. It all passed. It probably was the LSD that made me afraid for my life. But the hopelessness was real and he meant what he said. I wanted to die. It was an appealing message that caused 5 of us to stare and think. The speaker was a good friend of mine. He went on to get married and have a couple of kids. One day the American dream died for that family as he pulled a gun out, killed his wife and then put a bullet in the back of his head.  Poor kids.

Now the Hope of the world pulses through my veins. He fills my days with hope and it runs though me like a river. Every day as I awake! I call to my Hope! With You I could live in the pits of hell and still find joy! What the world searches for in drugs, relationships, money and fame I have in you my Hope. Why You saved me I do not know! But an even greater mystery is why you give me Hope today. Why you use me to bring Hope to others?? I feel Your power and I see Your wind rush through my life!

OH HOW I LOVE YOU GOD OF THE HOPELESS! YOU ARE WONDERFUL IN ALL YOUR WAYS! I WANT TO BE LIKE YOU!

Ha! One day I was hopeless and could not think of a good reason to live! BUT NOW BY DYING I AM FREE TO LIVE!!! HELP ME TO DIE TO MYSELF MORE! I am like a drug addict searching for little of Your Presence. Just as a drug addict gives up thing after thing for what he wants most I will bring everything I have to the cross until my house is empty!

For you I sing I dance! I WILL NOT FORGET WHERE YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME FROM. YOU ARE TRULY THE GREAT GOD OF THE HOPELESS!!

The Power of a Father's Love

1 Thessalonians 2:11 For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.
One of the big fears that I had going into this trip was failure. You see Shanna had spent 10 trips telling stories of how awesome I was. She probably had never told one story of me being worn out, snapping at the kids or just having a really apathetic day. I fail as a father and as a follower of Christ on a regular basis. So the real Jerome was about to meet 108 children that call me “Dad Jerome”.  Even if I was amazing the whole trip I still was only one man with so many children. On the orphanage wall as I walked in I was confronted with a message in big letters written “Welcome Dad Jerome”

All the boys gathered around and the suitcases were carried in. After talking to my son Benjamin in person for the first time I opened a suitcase and started giving bibles out to the boys that needed one. Then I preached to them 2 Peter 1 “And we have the word of the Prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it as to a light in a dark place. ABOVE ALL YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT NO PROPHECY CAME ABOUT BY THE PROPHETS OWN INTERPRETATION…”

As I walked about the orphanage that night boys were all over studying the bible. Many brought questions, some ask me to quote scriptures to them and then asked me to teach them. One question turned into about an hour-long bible study with about 12 boys! Some vowed to memorize scripture like me…All the way until about 130 or 2 AM in the morning this went on and on.

The next morning I woke up at 5 AM to an unexpected sound.  The Muslim call to prayer was broadcast loudly all around the orphanage. A few hours later we headed to the soccer field. The boys wanted to hold a soccer game between the high school and college boys. The field was highly un-level and it was covered with sand, rocks and holes. Very dangerous but I could not resist playing with them so I inserted myself into the game. It was really hot and humid but I was determined to play. I felt faint near the end but I kept thinking, “I am not going to let them down by having to leave the game”.  I scored the first goal, broke one of my toes but I survived. Later when Shanna asked my son Solomon his favorite part of the trip he said, “Dad scoring the first goal in soccer and also leading people to Christ with him.” HA!  Not exactly on the same scale.

Later that night the as I was quoting 1 Thessalonians the Lord spoke to me.  I came to this scripture….
1 Thessalonians 2:11 For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.

I felt God encouraging me to obey this scripture. So I sought out several of the older boys and told them how proud I was of them. One by one I saw extreme joy on their faces as I listed reasons I was proud of them. The last was the most notable though. Gabriel was with me about 1 AM when I walked up to my room. I told him I was proud of how well he performed in soccer earlier. I told him I was proud of his hard work in college and I told him I was proud of how bold he is in the Lord. He looked stunned when I was saying these things. He very quickly said bye and left. 15 minutes later he returned with a full page letter talking about how much he loved me and how much he thanked God for me and Shanna. 15 minutes later I walked downstairs and he was co leading a random bible study with about 25 boys! They all had their new bibles in hand and were taking turns telling the stories that inspire them.  Here we sit thousands of years later and boys thousands of miles away are telling THE Story.  The Story of a strong Father. 

I was scared on this trip. What do you say to a boy that has never known his father?  What do you say to a boy that has seen his father slain in cold blood? What do you say to a boy you will probably only see once a year. I do not even do a good job with my boys that I am with every day. You tell him about the strongest Father! The Father who can never be taken away. You tell him of the Father who was slain to protect His children. You tell Him this Father is stronger that death! You tell him “He is strong with Justice and Love!  Compassionate, Loving, Fierce! You urge him to live a life worthy of God who calls you into His kingdom and glory! The only Father worthy of praise!

Can You Help...

I got this email this morning from our DHS case worker...what is your part in caring for the fatherless so these scenerios end in Jesus' Name...

Hello. We have a special foster care need that I would like you to share with yourgroup. This need is critical, and needs to be bathed in prayer to find the right solution.

We have 3 children in DHS custody. Their parents were drug dealers and were in andout of jail. The children witnessed a drive-by shooting. They were shuffled from onerelative to another to another. They lived with aunts, grandparents, second cousins,etc. They have also had DHS involved in their lives from an early age; when the oldestboy was two months old, his mother had left him alone in the home for a day becauseshe was too high to remember him.At last count, each of the children has lived in more than 25 different homes. So youcan imagine the trauma they have dealt with. Then, they were adopted by a DHSworker, who sexually abused the boys. He is now in jail, and the children were onceagain forced to move.At present, the oldest boy is in a loving, caring foster home that wants to adopt him.

Normally, we do not like to break up siblings, but he has requested to the judge thathe be allowed to stay there, and I think that is going to be allowed.So we are left with the two younger children. The boy is 11. He is placed in a group home and has been doing very well since we moved him there. We would like to keephim there for the time being.His sister, though, is having a rough time. She was in a foster home that wasn't reallyequipped to deal with her issues. The foster dad has cancer and was too weak to dealwith her effectively. The foster mom loved her and wanted to keep her there, but thefoster dad said no. So we moved her to a "therapeutic foster home" in Spencer. Thefoster mom there immediately took a disliking to the girl and has sabotaged the placementfrom the beginning. The girl told us she would rather live in the shelter than in this home.

Both children have suffered severe trauma in their lives. Both have been sexually and physically abused. They have trouble trusting adults. They get angry. They will curse.They will yell. They might even throw things.But, they can be taught proper behavior.

The group home the boy is in has taught him"safe" ways to handle his anger, and he is doing very well at it.

We need a home that is willing to take in the girl at this time, with the idea that they would take in the boy once the girl gets settled. The home should preferably be onewith no young children in it. The foster parents should be able to love on these children when they are angry and understand that that is their way of expressing the frustrationsthey feel from a world of adults that have constantly let them down.The home should be willing to allow a trauma therapy counselor to meet with them andthe children on a regular basis to help them through these issues. The home should bewilling to allow the children regular contact with their siblings, previous foster parents,case workers, etc., because the children need more connections in their lives.Most importantly, the home should be people who will stick with them through the rough times and not abandon them like every other adult they have ever known.Please pray about this and forward this to anyone who may be willing to make a differencein these children's lives.

Dave Parker
Child Welfare Specialist II
Canadian County
9A7901 E. SH 66, El Reno, OK 73036
(405) 295-2037, cell 623-6241