My 9th grade year was my last year in Edmond.
I remember being more angry. My mom always liked the house perfect and we fought a lot about this. We would get in big blow outs and then I would end up bawling. I hated the way those fights made me feel.
Kenny was indifferent towards me. He was definitely securing his position as head of the household. He was not passive. He would try at times to include me. I was not ready to warm up to any sort of father figure. I am sure I wasn't the most pleasant step daughter to inherit. I had lots of emotional baggage at this point.
In the 9th grade I still had a very low self esteem. I thought I looked awkward and never really felt like I fit in at school...I hid this though.
My mom and Kenny had an opportunity to open an Abraham's Bail Bond branch in Norman. I asked to live with my mammaw. The fighting was bad and I wanted to be with my friends. My mom agreed at first.
I wasn't at my mammaw's long when a friend's mom found out we had been going to see older boys in OKC on the weekends and lying about it. She told my mammaw everything. The big issue was that this boy was black.
My mammaw and her husband decided to move to Texas. I asked to go with them but I think I was just too much of a strain on her marriage at that point.
I moved to Norman with my mom, Kenny and my brother. Now I was in the 10th grade. My first friend at my new school was black. I knew that my mom and Kenny didn't approve of me having a black boyfriend but I had NO idea what I was about to deal with. I got permission for my friend to stay the night. When we came back from a football game we walked passed my mom and Kenny and went to my room. My mom called me to the living room while my friend stayed in my bedroom. Kenny told me that he would not have a n___ stay at his house. I remember the total shock I felt. A wall up went up in my heart towards him at that very moment. I had to make up a lie to tell her and ask her to call her mom to come get her. When she couldn't get a hold of her mom Kenny took her home. We had a new car but he would not take her in it. He said he didn't want her in his new car and took her in our old Impala. This was the beginning of a HUGE war between the two of us.
My mom and Kenny eventually opened their own bonding business. They did very well. We moved into a nicer house in Norman. Our family began to look normal on the outside. Kenny adopted Steven. I did not want to be adopted by him. I didn't really feel like part of the family. I spent most of my time in my room if I was home. We didn't really do many family things together. I just wanted to be with my friends.
During the 10th grade I was very promiscuous. Boys did not want to make me their girlfriend because of my reputation. The shame was building up. I still remember during this season that I desired so badly to be married one day and to have kids and to stay home with them. I had a deep desire to be a wife and a mom. The more promiscuous I became...the less I felt this dream would ever come true.
I was sneaking out all the time. By the 11th grade I had a few friends that I hung out with most of the time. We would get into 18 to enter clubs. I drank constantly. The clubs were an opportunity to meet older guys and get into more trouble. I met a guy at a club who was 21 when I was 16. He wanted to be my boyfriend. This had been my goal so I wasn't letting him go. He became my God.
I got a job at sonic on my 16th birthday. I saved up enough money to buy my first used car. God was crowded out of my thinking again. I had too many distractions. I know He was patiently waiting for me come to the end of myself.
Kenny was at the point of despising me. He knew the boys I hung out with were black. He hated it. He wouldn't let black friends pick me up in front of our house. He made me meet them at the end of the street. Because of this I despised him too. He finally had enough. He told my mom that I had to move out of he was going to. I gladly moved. I resented them both later.
I had a car and a job. I was going to finish High School even though I was moving out...yeah, right. My mom cosigned for an apartment in Norman. The guy I was with lived with me. He sold crack. He didn't do drugs...just sold them. We just drank. I quit going to school at the end of my 11th grade year. I never measured up academically anyway...so I thought. I was always insecure because I made bad grades. I realize now that I made bad grades because I was insecure.
Tomorrow I will post about ages 18 and 19. This is the first season of my stripping days. The day after I will talk about ages 20 and 21. I was 20 years old when I got hooked on cocaine. It may take two days to talk about 21. This is when I got saved. lots happened between 20 and 22. I continued to strip and do drugs for a year after I became a christian. Hopefully in the next few days we will be thru my salvation and beginning my journey as a new christian...which was interesting to say the least.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Quick Pause
My friend Cristy Cash is writing out her story. You can read it hereShe is a worshipper. She writes her own worship songs. She loves the deeply wounded and anyone else within 5 feet of her :) She has been vital in my growth in Christ. Read her story...you will be enthralled!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
My Story - Part 6
I was so happy to be back with my mammaw. The only problem was that her husband was a retired Master Sargent in the service. He was not very loving and didn't take to me very well. I was used to this by now. I felt a great deal of rejection from men.
I remember my dad coming to visit me here. This started a reconnection between he and I. I had developed bitterness towards him for not being around for so many years. I was starting to realize that little girls were suppose to have dads. I would fight with him and yell at him during these years. I had a lot of anger welling up on the inside.
We had always been poor up to this point. This made me feel very out of place in Edmond schools. My mammaw and her husband Don had some friends that had a very large house north of town. It sat back on a hill. At the front of the property they had a little 2 bedroom guest house. We moved here.
Steve came back briefly but he and my mom could not reconcile so he left. Then a guy came into our lives named Kenny. My mom had met him in Seiling. They ended up getting together. This is when the externals calmed down even more. But my mom had an internal storm. Her storm and mine didn't mix well. She was mad at me a lot. We would have physical fights. I hated it. I wanted to be close to her more than anything but I didn't know how to fix everything. In her anger she would yell terrible things at me...chase me down...hit me...and rebellion set in. It was my way of dealing with the rejection I think.
Kenny didn't drink or do drugs at this point. He had quit. They decided to live a normal life together...HALLELUJAH! Well...kind of. He never attached to me very well...but then again...I was use to this. Steven was 5 when they got together. He eventually adopted him. Kenny was the only dad Steven ever knew.
At school I had normal friends but I remember being ashamed of where we lived and the cars we drove. When Kenny would drop me off at school I would have him drop me off at Braum's so no one would see me get out of his giant, burnt orange nineteen seventy something Impala :) I wold walk over to school from there.
6th and 7th grade I felt like I fit in somewhat on the outside. Socially I wasn't in the same status but I was holding my own. I had a birthday party at our house for my 13th birthday. My dad came and my Uncle Ronnie. A handful of my friends. I remember how shocked I was that people actually came.
13 was a mile marker for me. It was the summer before my 8th grade year. I was wanting the attention of boys a lot more. There was a 16 year old boy named Mark who lived in my best friend's neighborhood. He had a car. He started paying attention to me. One day I rode the bus home to my friend Jeannie's house. She had stayed home from school. I planned on walking from the bus stop to her house. He was waiting for me at the bus stop. He told me he would give me a ride...which I thought was cool. He instead took me to his house...pulled in his garage and I knew what was about to happen. I tried to get out of the car before the garage door closed but I was too late. He told me to just come inside and talk to him. I tried to go out his front door and he wouldn't let me. At this point I had never even kissed a boy by my own free will. I had never had a boyfriend. He chased me around his house and caught me and raped me. I came out of that incident still never having kissed a boy. I had not even started my period for the first time at this point. (Sorry if there are boys reading this). Something happened inside me at this point. There was a switch. I felt as though this is just what I was destined for. I wanted so desperately to have the love and approval of boys and I realized this is what they wanted. I figured I would have to give them what they wanted to get what I wanted. Sex for love. It was a lie and I believed it for a long time.
Shortly after that I started my period for the first time. I was so emotionally removed from my mom that I didn't tell her...I was embarrased and on some levels ashamed. She found my sheets and asked me about it.
Me and a few friends started sneaking out to see boys who were 16 and 17 that lived in Oklahoma city. We would save our lunch money and have them buy us Cherry Vodka. I would drink every weekend to the point of throwing up and not remembering what happened the night before. I was having sex with the 16 year old boy I was going to see.
I was trying my best to cover up the pain. When I would really face myself the shame would come. This is where God came back into my thinking. The sex and alcohol left me feeling so empty. I no longer craved a closeness with my mom or even my brother. I only wanted to be with my friends and the boy. When these relationships failed me I would cry out to God. I started writing Him letters.
I had one Christian friend. Her parents took me to church. She listened to christian music. Her home was different. God ended up using her family in my life years later.
Pain was the key that unlocked the door to my heart so that He could start coming back in. It took years and years but I finally surrendered.
Tomorrow I will talk about 9th 10th and 11th grade. The day after I will talk about me moving out of my house at 16 and eventually becoming a stripper by the age of 18. We are getting closer to the best part!!!!
I remember my dad coming to visit me here. This started a reconnection between he and I. I had developed bitterness towards him for not being around for so many years. I was starting to realize that little girls were suppose to have dads. I would fight with him and yell at him during these years. I had a lot of anger welling up on the inside.
We had always been poor up to this point. This made me feel very out of place in Edmond schools. My mammaw and her husband Don had some friends that had a very large house north of town. It sat back on a hill. At the front of the property they had a little 2 bedroom guest house. We moved here.
Steve came back briefly but he and my mom could not reconcile so he left. Then a guy came into our lives named Kenny. My mom had met him in Seiling. They ended up getting together. This is when the externals calmed down even more. But my mom had an internal storm. Her storm and mine didn't mix well. She was mad at me a lot. We would have physical fights. I hated it. I wanted to be close to her more than anything but I didn't know how to fix everything. In her anger she would yell terrible things at me...chase me down...hit me...and rebellion set in. It was my way of dealing with the rejection I think.
Kenny didn't drink or do drugs at this point. He had quit. They decided to live a normal life together...HALLELUJAH! Well...kind of. He never attached to me very well...but then again...I was use to this. Steven was 5 when they got together. He eventually adopted him. Kenny was the only dad Steven ever knew.
At school I had normal friends but I remember being ashamed of where we lived and the cars we drove. When Kenny would drop me off at school I would have him drop me off at Braum's so no one would see me get out of his giant, burnt orange nineteen seventy something Impala :) I wold walk over to school from there.
6th and 7th grade I felt like I fit in somewhat on the outside. Socially I wasn't in the same status but I was holding my own. I had a birthday party at our house for my 13th birthday. My dad came and my Uncle Ronnie. A handful of my friends. I remember how shocked I was that people actually came.
13 was a mile marker for me. It was the summer before my 8th grade year. I was wanting the attention of boys a lot more. There was a 16 year old boy named Mark who lived in my best friend's neighborhood. He had a car. He started paying attention to me. One day I rode the bus home to my friend Jeannie's house. She had stayed home from school. I planned on walking from the bus stop to her house. He was waiting for me at the bus stop. He told me he would give me a ride...which I thought was cool. He instead took me to his house...pulled in his garage and I knew what was about to happen. I tried to get out of the car before the garage door closed but I was too late. He told me to just come inside and talk to him. I tried to go out his front door and he wouldn't let me. At this point I had never even kissed a boy by my own free will. I had never had a boyfriend. He chased me around his house and caught me and raped me. I came out of that incident still never having kissed a boy. I had not even started my period for the first time at this point. (Sorry if there are boys reading this). Something happened inside me at this point. There was a switch. I felt as though this is just what I was destined for. I wanted so desperately to have the love and approval of boys and I realized this is what they wanted. I figured I would have to give them what they wanted to get what I wanted. Sex for love. It was a lie and I believed it for a long time.
Shortly after that I started my period for the first time. I was so emotionally removed from my mom that I didn't tell her...I was embarrased and on some levels ashamed. She found my sheets and asked me about it.
Me and a few friends started sneaking out to see boys who were 16 and 17 that lived in Oklahoma city. We would save our lunch money and have them buy us Cherry Vodka. I would drink every weekend to the point of throwing up and not remembering what happened the night before. I was having sex with the 16 year old boy I was going to see.
I was trying my best to cover up the pain. When I would really face myself the shame would come. This is where God came back into my thinking. The sex and alcohol left me feeling so empty. I no longer craved a closeness with my mom or even my brother. I only wanted to be with my friends and the boy. When these relationships failed me I would cry out to God. I started writing Him letters.
I had one Christian friend. Her parents took me to church. She listened to christian music. Her home was different. God ended up using her family in my life years later.
Pain was the key that unlocked the door to my heart so that He could start coming back in. It took years and years but I finally surrendered.
Tomorrow I will talk about 9th 10th and 11th grade. The day after I will talk about me moving out of my house at 16 and eventually becoming a stripper by the age of 18. We are getting closer to the best part!!!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
My Story - Part 5
My mom married Steve and we moved to Seiling to live with him and his mom, Joy. Seiling was a little bigger than Taloga...but not much. Joy had a 2 bedroom house with a basement. My mom, Steve, Steven and I lived in the basement. Eventually I moved to the spare room upstairs.
During these years I got some post cards from my dad...but never a visit.
Joy owned one of the 2 bars in town. This is where Joy, my mom and Steve spent most of the their time. This is where they worked and hung out. This left me at home babysitting Steven ALOT. I hated being at home at night by myself. I loved being with my little brother though. Taking care of him gave me purpose and something else to focus on.
Steve was a pot head and an alcoholic. Him and my mom smoked pot in front of me all the time...daily. I remember having a friend over from school once. She saw marijuana on a tray in the basement and asked what it was. I told her it was herbs used for cooking. (This makes me laugh now). My mom and Steve drank and got high on a regular basis. My mom and Steve fought occasionally. I remember him being passive.
Steve and I had no connection. I have no memories of he and I having any personal conversations or time together. In fact, I felt he would be happier if I just wasn't there.
Although everything was still very dysfunctional I felt like there was a bit more stability. I don't remember feeling constant fear and anxiety anymore. I have some good memories from the 3rd and 4th grade while we lived in Seiling. I walked my brother to main street to get his first hair cut. I would walk him up to the library. We had an Easter egg hunt in the back yard together. He was around 2 years old and an absolute doll! He was the most adorable little boy. I will have to figure out how to scan pictures at the end to show you all how cute he was.
I adjusted to school. I had friends. I had little girl crushes on boys. I tried out for the pee-wee cheer leading team at the end of the 4th grade and made it. My mom brought a yellow carnation in a vase with a black ribbon on it to school as a congratulations gift. (Seiling's school colors were black and gold). I remember how happy this made me. This was not something she would normally do and I wanted to keep it forever.
We all moved to upstate New York that summer. Steve's dad owned race horses. He asked Steve to come work for him.
We lived in NY for the 5th and part of the 6th grade. My mom and Steve fought a lot. My mom would go into emotional rages. Steve would just take it most of the time. I can't imagine what she was going thru on the inside. She had many things to process and deal with...yet she wasn't dealing with any of it at all...she was just covering it up with drugs and alcohol.
I remember hanging out in race track bars quite a bit.
If I could describe my mom at this point I would say she was determined...a hard worker...and emotionally unstable. We never had warm, cozy mom/daughter moments. This makes me sad...for her. I know if she could go back in time she would do it differently.
There was a boy that beat me up at the bus stop once. I hated waiting for the bus. He always made fun of me. Other than that, I felt somewhat normal.
School still was an awkward place for me. I learned to manage though. I didn't let my insecurity show as much. I had learned to wear masks at this point to cover things up.
I started craving the attention of boys around these years. I thought I looked as awkward as I felt so I knew no boy would give me a second look. Still no memories of praying to God or thinking about him.
The fighting between my mom and Steve increased. She finally left him and brought me and Steven back to Oklahoma to live with my mammaw and her new husband in Edmond. I finished out the 6th grade at Sequoyah Middle School...
Tomorrow I will pick up with 6th, 7th and 8th grade. These are the years that God resurfaces in my thinking. The day after I will talk about 9th, 10th and 11th grade. (11th grade is when I finally dropped out.) Then we will get into my adult choices...which include the crazy life of a drug addicted stripper. Hopefully in the next few days I will be all the way to 21 when I FINALLY got saved.
You all are being so patient. Thank you.
When writing about my mom I am writing as I remember her. Please read about her with this in mind. I have no idea what it is like to walk thru the things she walked thru with one and eventually 2 kids. I have no idea what kind of things she went thru as a child. I can imagine that the pain and guilt and sin she was trying to manage in her own strength was a constant weight. I did no better than her as you will soon see....until I surrendered my life to Christ. Apart from him I would have continued to make the choices she did. I have no stone to throw at her...I have no room to think that I am better than her. My best works are like filthy rags before Him. He is the only thing that makes me righteous and pure. She did the best she could without Him. It could have been worse. I have heard the stories of others who have been thru much more than me....
She has had a life long struggle with drugs and alcohol. She is not using now. I have compassion for her. She is not the same person today that she was then. God is slowly changing her...and slowly healing our relationship from the years of damage. (I will talk more about this later). I love her and am honored to be her daughter. I am honored to have the joy of loving her and praying for her. I pray God would use me to show her that in this current chapter of her own life she can experience His forgiveness, joy and peace. There is no room for me to hold onto bitterness or grudges. If the only reason He redeemed my life is to be a vessel of His love and hope to her...let it be so!
Tune in tomorrow for the 6th, 7th and 8th grade...
During these years I got some post cards from my dad...but never a visit.
Joy owned one of the 2 bars in town. This is where Joy, my mom and Steve spent most of the their time. This is where they worked and hung out. This left me at home babysitting Steven ALOT. I hated being at home at night by myself. I loved being with my little brother though. Taking care of him gave me purpose and something else to focus on.
Steve was a pot head and an alcoholic. Him and my mom smoked pot in front of me all the time...daily. I remember having a friend over from school once. She saw marijuana on a tray in the basement and asked what it was. I told her it was herbs used for cooking. (This makes me laugh now). My mom and Steve drank and got high on a regular basis. My mom and Steve fought occasionally. I remember him being passive.
Steve and I had no connection. I have no memories of he and I having any personal conversations or time together. In fact, I felt he would be happier if I just wasn't there.
Although everything was still very dysfunctional I felt like there was a bit more stability. I don't remember feeling constant fear and anxiety anymore. I have some good memories from the 3rd and 4th grade while we lived in Seiling. I walked my brother to main street to get his first hair cut. I would walk him up to the library. We had an Easter egg hunt in the back yard together. He was around 2 years old and an absolute doll! He was the most adorable little boy. I will have to figure out how to scan pictures at the end to show you all how cute he was.
I adjusted to school. I had friends. I had little girl crushes on boys. I tried out for the pee-wee cheer leading team at the end of the 4th grade and made it. My mom brought a yellow carnation in a vase with a black ribbon on it to school as a congratulations gift. (Seiling's school colors were black and gold). I remember how happy this made me. This was not something she would normally do and I wanted to keep it forever.
We all moved to upstate New York that summer. Steve's dad owned race horses. He asked Steve to come work for him.
We lived in NY for the 5th and part of the 6th grade. My mom and Steve fought a lot. My mom would go into emotional rages. Steve would just take it most of the time. I can't imagine what she was going thru on the inside. She had many things to process and deal with...yet she wasn't dealing with any of it at all...she was just covering it up with drugs and alcohol.
I remember hanging out in race track bars quite a bit.
If I could describe my mom at this point I would say she was determined...a hard worker...and emotionally unstable. We never had warm, cozy mom/daughter moments. This makes me sad...for her. I know if she could go back in time she would do it differently.
There was a boy that beat me up at the bus stop once. I hated waiting for the bus. He always made fun of me. Other than that, I felt somewhat normal.
School still was an awkward place for me. I learned to manage though. I didn't let my insecurity show as much. I had learned to wear masks at this point to cover things up.
I started craving the attention of boys around these years. I thought I looked as awkward as I felt so I knew no boy would give me a second look. Still no memories of praying to God or thinking about him.
The fighting between my mom and Steve increased. She finally left him and brought me and Steven back to Oklahoma to live with my mammaw and her new husband in Edmond. I finished out the 6th grade at Sequoyah Middle School...
Tomorrow I will pick up with 6th, 7th and 8th grade. These are the years that God resurfaces in my thinking. The day after I will talk about 9th, 10th and 11th grade. (11th grade is when I finally dropped out.) Then we will get into my adult choices...which include the crazy life of a drug addicted stripper. Hopefully in the next few days I will be all the way to 21 when I FINALLY got saved.
You all are being so patient. Thank you.
When writing about my mom I am writing as I remember her. Please read about her with this in mind. I have no idea what it is like to walk thru the things she walked thru with one and eventually 2 kids. I have no idea what kind of things she went thru as a child. I can imagine that the pain and guilt and sin she was trying to manage in her own strength was a constant weight. I did no better than her as you will soon see....until I surrendered my life to Christ. Apart from him I would have continued to make the choices she did. I have no stone to throw at her...I have no room to think that I am better than her. My best works are like filthy rags before Him. He is the only thing that makes me righteous and pure. She did the best she could without Him. It could have been worse. I have heard the stories of others who have been thru much more than me....
She has had a life long struggle with drugs and alcohol. She is not using now. I have compassion for her. She is not the same person today that she was then. God is slowly changing her...and slowly healing our relationship from the years of damage. (I will talk more about this later). I love her and am honored to be her daughter. I am honored to have the joy of loving her and praying for her. I pray God would use me to show her that in this current chapter of her own life she can experience His forgiveness, joy and peace. There is no room for me to hold onto bitterness or grudges. If the only reason He redeemed my life is to be a vessel of His love and hope to her...let it be so!
Tune in tomorrow for the 6th, 7th and 8th grade...
Sunday, February 24, 2008
My Story - Part 4
Let me start off by saying that your comments are a HUGE source of encouragement to me.
I can tell that you as the reader have different emotions than I as the writer have. I sense you feel compassion and even sorrow...a desire to rescue and deliver me from all of this if you could go back in time. As the writer having been rescued and delivered already, I feel a great deal of thankfulness as I am reliving the painful events of my childhood thru writing them all down.
If I were reading this story about someone else I would feel your same compassion and sorrow for the little girl and her mom. I know that God feels these things on a much deeper level than you or I can imagine. I know He felt this for me the entire time.
Collectively, the things in my childhood and young adult life ultimately brought me to Him. I would relive those things a thousand times if it meant I would get to be in His Presence for eternity. I have never been mad at God for not keeping these bad things from happening. Although I admit that I don't fully understand it all. I trust Him with what I don't understand. I know that He is good. What happened to me does not change His goodness...He always has been and always will be.
This is ages 8 and 9.
We stayed with my mammaw for a few days. My mammaw received a phone call from Freddy saying he wanted to see my mom because she was carrying his child. My mammaw told him she had a miscarriage.
A side note. I remember my mammaw, mom and I going to the store and me seeing a dog that was a stuffed animal. It said, "If I follow you home will you keep me?" on it. I remember feeling so much compassion for that silly stuffed dog and begging for it so he didn't have to stay in the store alone. Even then I remember feeling compassion easily.
OK...so back at the apartment. A few days into our stay someone tried to break in and my mammaw shot 3 holes in the door. (She is 64 and still sleeps with a gun in her nightstand drawer...and would use it if she had to.) There was blood stains on the sidewalk the next day. They both assumed it was Freddy. She decided we needed somewhere to be safe so she took us to a little town near the panhandle called Taloga. My great aunt, my two cousins and my great grandma lived there. (My mammaw's sister, niece, nephew and her mom). It was a place Freddy didn't know about.
When we first moved there my mom went to the a city office to try to get a job or some kind of financial assistance. I remember her crying in the office and pulling up her shirt to show all of her bruises.
She got a job at the sheriff's office as a dispatcher.
I remember at first living in a one bedroom house. I loved this because I got to share a room with my mom. I loved it just being the two of us.
I remember my dad visiting when we first moved to Taloga. He seemed like a stranger to me. I always felt like I didn't know how to act around him.
When I started going to school I felt VERY out of place. I HATED it. I don't even have a word strong enough to describe how uncomfortable it made me feel to be around other kids. I felt like an alien from another planet. I remember getting lice and being sent home from school. I did not ever want to go back. I constantly felt shame and humiliation. I guess I thought everyone saw me the way I saw myself.
We didn't live in that house very long. We moved to a trailer. My mom gave birth to my brother, Steven 2 months before my 9th birthday. Sometimes she worked from midnight to 8AM. I would put Steven in a stroller and take him to a babysitter in the trailer park. Then I would walk to school. Out of my aversion to school I started taking him to the sitters and then coming back home and hiding in an extra sleeping space in the very back of the trailer. My mom would go to sleep soon after she came home. Once she was asleep I would go to my room. When she woke up it would be time for me to be home anyway, so she didn't know. The school officials finally came to our house and told her.
My mom started going to a bar in a town called Seiling that was close by.
Once, my mom put me to bed. A guy came over and she thought I was asleep so she started to leave with him. I freaked out crying and she put me back to bed. I remember feeling so much panic and anxiety. More than anything I hated being alone.
She would bring a guy home from the bar named Steve. She eventually married him.
Once she had a teenage boy who was about 13 babysit me while she went out. He pinned me down on my bed and tried to make out with me. I ran from him and hid in the extra sleeping space. He found me. I ran outside and then ran back in and hid underneath the cabinets below the sink. I remember being terrified and just wanting my mom to come home. I don't remember what happened after that.
The feelings I had during the different times I describe are vivid. I think the intensity of the feelings seared the incidences into my memory and left everything else a haze. The big chunks of time in between the things I am describing seem as though they never existed.
I ADORED my baby brother. I have always had very maternal feelings towards him. I remember wanting to keep him safe.
I remember around this time I started feeling rejection from my mom. She felt distant. I sensed her instability.
I have no memory of thinking about God or acknowledging Him during these years. I think I was in a self preservation mode and it consumed my thoughts...therefore I gave Him no room.
Tomorrow I will post about my mom getting married to Steve, a move to a new town and yet another chapter of my life....
I can tell that you as the reader have different emotions than I as the writer have. I sense you feel compassion and even sorrow...a desire to rescue and deliver me from all of this if you could go back in time. As the writer having been rescued and delivered already, I feel a great deal of thankfulness as I am reliving the painful events of my childhood thru writing them all down.
If I were reading this story about someone else I would feel your same compassion and sorrow for the little girl and her mom. I know that God feels these things on a much deeper level than you or I can imagine. I know He felt this for me the entire time.
Collectively, the things in my childhood and young adult life ultimately brought me to Him. I would relive those things a thousand times if it meant I would get to be in His Presence for eternity. I have never been mad at God for not keeping these bad things from happening. Although I admit that I don't fully understand it all. I trust Him with what I don't understand. I know that He is good. What happened to me does not change His goodness...He always has been and always will be.
This is ages 8 and 9.
We stayed with my mammaw for a few days. My mammaw received a phone call from Freddy saying he wanted to see my mom because she was carrying his child. My mammaw told him she had a miscarriage.
A side note. I remember my mammaw, mom and I going to the store and me seeing a dog that was a stuffed animal. It said, "If I follow you home will you keep me?" on it. I remember feeling so much compassion for that silly stuffed dog and begging for it so he didn't have to stay in the store alone. Even then I remember feeling compassion easily.
OK...so back at the apartment. A few days into our stay someone tried to break in and my mammaw shot 3 holes in the door. (She is 64 and still sleeps with a gun in her nightstand drawer...and would use it if she had to.) There was blood stains on the sidewalk the next day. They both assumed it was Freddy. She decided we needed somewhere to be safe so she took us to a little town near the panhandle called Taloga. My great aunt, my two cousins and my great grandma lived there. (My mammaw's sister, niece, nephew and her mom). It was a place Freddy didn't know about.
When we first moved there my mom went to the a city office to try to get a job or some kind of financial assistance. I remember her crying in the office and pulling up her shirt to show all of her bruises.
She got a job at the sheriff's office as a dispatcher.
I remember at first living in a one bedroom house. I loved this because I got to share a room with my mom. I loved it just being the two of us.
I remember my dad visiting when we first moved to Taloga. He seemed like a stranger to me. I always felt like I didn't know how to act around him.
When I started going to school I felt VERY out of place. I HATED it. I don't even have a word strong enough to describe how uncomfortable it made me feel to be around other kids. I felt like an alien from another planet. I remember getting lice and being sent home from school. I did not ever want to go back. I constantly felt shame and humiliation. I guess I thought everyone saw me the way I saw myself.
We didn't live in that house very long. We moved to a trailer. My mom gave birth to my brother, Steven 2 months before my 9th birthday. Sometimes she worked from midnight to 8AM. I would put Steven in a stroller and take him to a babysitter in the trailer park. Then I would walk to school. Out of my aversion to school I started taking him to the sitters and then coming back home and hiding in an extra sleeping space in the very back of the trailer. My mom would go to sleep soon after she came home. Once she was asleep I would go to my room. When she woke up it would be time for me to be home anyway, so she didn't know. The school officials finally came to our house and told her.
My mom started going to a bar in a town called Seiling that was close by.
Once, my mom put me to bed. A guy came over and she thought I was asleep so she started to leave with him. I freaked out crying and she put me back to bed. I remember feeling so much panic and anxiety. More than anything I hated being alone.
She would bring a guy home from the bar named Steve. She eventually married him.
Once she had a teenage boy who was about 13 babysit me while she went out. He pinned me down on my bed and tried to make out with me. I ran from him and hid in the extra sleeping space. He found me. I ran outside and then ran back in and hid underneath the cabinets below the sink. I remember being terrified and just wanting my mom to come home. I don't remember what happened after that.
The feelings I had during the different times I describe are vivid. I think the intensity of the feelings seared the incidences into my memory and left everything else a haze. The big chunks of time in between the things I am describing seem as though they never existed.
I ADORED my baby brother. I have always had very maternal feelings towards him. I remember wanting to keep him safe.
I remember around this time I started feeling rejection from my mom. She felt distant. I sensed her instability.
I have no memory of thinking about God or acknowledging Him during these years. I think I was in a self preservation mode and it consumed my thoughts...therefore I gave Him no room.
Tomorrow I will post about my mom getting married to Steve, a move to a new town and yet another chapter of my life....
Saturday, February 23, 2008
My Story - Part 3
Sorry I didn't post yesterday...it was one of my computer fast days.
Moving right along all the way to age 8 :)
I left out a few things from those first 5 years that were more evidences of God's love and comfort. When I was with my mammaw she would hold my hand until I fell asleep at night...she would also sing me songs about Jesus. My mammaw's husband (they divorced when I was 5) treated me like little girls are suppose to be treated by grandpas for the short time he was in my life. These expressions of His love were anchors of hope for me in the storm.
Shortly after I met my dad, my mom moved back to California and left me with my mammaw...this time for about a year. I went to kindergarten. (After kindergarten I only have one other school memory before the 2nd grade). I remember feeling very shy and out of place at school.
I would go visit my dad sometimes. He had frustration towards me because I did not treat him like a dad. To me he was just Chuck. I had no ability to live up to his expectations. I had no idea how a daughter was suppose to treat a dad...nor did he know how a dad was suppose to treat a daughter. He did the best he could. I suppose I did too. When he didn't get the response he desired, he gave up and faded out of my life. This rejection was a threat to distort my view of the Dad I had in heaven...the One who would never give up on me...the One who would never leave or forsake me.
I felt loved, safe and secure with my mammaw. All that was about to change.
My mom came back from California a year later. We lived with my mammaw.
My mom started stripping. Crazy men seemed to sense her weakness. The strip club offered her a buffet of psycho men to choose from. One was a biker who lived in the hangman clubhouse where several other bikers lived. This was where I stayed when I had the measles. It was a dark, dingy place and made me feel yucky.
The next guy she hooked up with I will call Freddy. He took us down a road that inflicted wounds so deep that we are both left with permanent scars. We lived with him in a trailer in the country. There was an abandoned oil well near the place we lived. To punish my mom, one time he tied her to this oil well...he left her there all day before coming back to get her. I am so sad that she felt she was not worth more than the cruelty of this man. I didn't find out until after I became a christian just how much evil controlled Freddy's life.
Once my mom was arrested for shoplifting when she and I were in a grocery store. This left me in Freddy's care. While she was in jail he went to a bar, went inside and left me in the car. I remember feeling so scared and filled with panic. I had to use the bathroom and held it until I started crying. I finally peed all over myself. I just sat and cried. I remember during this season praying less. Instead I would cry and talk to myself when I got in situations that made me feel anxious...I know now that He was still listening.
Next we lived at another house with Freddy. This is where he molested me. This is the first time I remember feeling a deep shame. I also felt a fear unlike the fear I had felt before. This was a paralyzing fear that numbed me. I felt I had no control over anything and I was beginning to lose the child like faith I had at 5. My fear was beginning to consume my focus.
Shortly after this my mom tried to leave Freddy. He kidnapped me from school and used me as bait to see her. He convinced her not only to get back with him but also to pull me out of school and sell everything we had in a garage sale so we would have money to go on a "road trip." I remember that my two most prized possessions were a bike that my dad had given me and a roll top desk that was a gift from my mammaw's ex-husband. The last few tangible things that had meaning were stripped away. I felt like that what was important to me had no worth or value therefore I had no worth or value.
Freddy, my mom and her younger brother, my Uncle Ronnie, packed our clothes into Freddy's truck and headed for Louisiana. We would stay at camp sites along the way. I have vivid memories of Freddy and my mom getting in fights and him beating her up. Somewhere along the way they argued over who would steal cigarettes from a convenient store. My Uncle Ronnie finally agreed to do it and got caught. He was arrested. We just left him and kept going.
We eventually made it to Louisiana and met a family where we were camping at. They offered Freddy a job working construction. They took us to their house. The first night with this family Freddy and my mom got into a terrible fight. The fight ended in him beating her up and me getting caught in the middle of it. My mom was 8 months pregnant at this point with his child.
This time my mom didn't stay. She took me in the middle of the night to try and hitchhike back to Oklahoma. Freddy came and found us. My mom came out of that night covered in bruises that lasted for weeks.
The next morning when Freddy went to work with the husband, the wife took my mom and I to the county line and dropped us off on the highway. We hitchhiked back to Oklahoma. My mammaw got a call from a trucker who told her that he had her pregnant daughter and grand daughter. He also told her that my mom was beat up pretty bad. My mammaw came and picked us up from a motel and took us back to her apartment....
I will pick up here tomorrow.
Thank you for being patient with me. I hesitate in sharing so many specific details. It is my belief that not only does God knit us together in our wombs...but that He pursues us from birth out of His desire to have intimacy with us... I am giving you the full picture so that when I get to the part where He redeems me and makes all things new in my life...He will get as much glory as possible!
I also want to apologize if some of this seems choppy. I only want to write about what I remember...so you are seeing the gaps where I simply have no memory or information to fill them in.
Moving right along all the way to age 8 :)
I left out a few things from those first 5 years that were more evidences of God's love and comfort. When I was with my mammaw she would hold my hand until I fell asleep at night...she would also sing me songs about Jesus. My mammaw's husband (they divorced when I was 5) treated me like little girls are suppose to be treated by grandpas for the short time he was in my life. These expressions of His love were anchors of hope for me in the storm.
Shortly after I met my dad, my mom moved back to California and left me with my mammaw...this time for about a year. I went to kindergarten. (After kindergarten I only have one other school memory before the 2nd grade). I remember feeling very shy and out of place at school.
I would go visit my dad sometimes. He had frustration towards me because I did not treat him like a dad. To me he was just Chuck. I had no ability to live up to his expectations. I had no idea how a daughter was suppose to treat a dad...nor did he know how a dad was suppose to treat a daughter. He did the best he could. I suppose I did too. When he didn't get the response he desired, he gave up and faded out of my life. This rejection was a threat to distort my view of the Dad I had in heaven...the One who would never give up on me...the One who would never leave or forsake me.
I felt loved, safe and secure with my mammaw. All that was about to change.
My mom came back from California a year later. We lived with my mammaw.
My mom started stripping. Crazy men seemed to sense her weakness. The strip club offered her a buffet of psycho men to choose from. One was a biker who lived in the hangman clubhouse where several other bikers lived. This was where I stayed when I had the measles. It was a dark, dingy place and made me feel yucky.
The next guy she hooked up with I will call Freddy. He took us down a road that inflicted wounds so deep that we are both left with permanent scars. We lived with him in a trailer in the country. There was an abandoned oil well near the place we lived. To punish my mom, one time he tied her to this oil well...he left her there all day before coming back to get her. I am so sad that she felt she was not worth more than the cruelty of this man. I didn't find out until after I became a christian just how much evil controlled Freddy's life.
Once my mom was arrested for shoplifting when she and I were in a grocery store. This left me in Freddy's care. While she was in jail he went to a bar, went inside and left me in the car. I remember feeling so scared and filled with panic. I had to use the bathroom and held it until I started crying. I finally peed all over myself. I just sat and cried. I remember during this season praying less. Instead I would cry and talk to myself when I got in situations that made me feel anxious...I know now that He was still listening.
Next we lived at another house with Freddy. This is where he molested me. This is the first time I remember feeling a deep shame. I also felt a fear unlike the fear I had felt before. This was a paralyzing fear that numbed me. I felt I had no control over anything and I was beginning to lose the child like faith I had at 5. My fear was beginning to consume my focus.
Shortly after this my mom tried to leave Freddy. He kidnapped me from school and used me as bait to see her. He convinced her not only to get back with him but also to pull me out of school and sell everything we had in a garage sale so we would have money to go on a "road trip." I remember that my two most prized possessions were a bike that my dad had given me and a roll top desk that was a gift from my mammaw's ex-husband. The last few tangible things that had meaning were stripped away. I felt like that what was important to me had no worth or value therefore I had no worth or value.
Freddy, my mom and her younger brother, my Uncle Ronnie, packed our clothes into Freddy's truck and headed for Louisiana. We would stay at camp sites along the way. I have vivid memories of Freddy and my mom getting in fights and him beating her up. Somewhere along the way they argued over who would steal cigarettes from a convenient store. My Uncle Ronnie finally agreed to do it and got caught. He was arrested. We just left him and kept going.
We eventually made it to Louisiana and met a family where we were camping at. They offered Freddy a job working construction. They took us to their house. The first night with this family Freddy and my mom got into a terrible fight. The fight ended in him beating her up and me getting caught in the middle of it. My mom was 8 months pregnant at this point with his child.
This time my mom didn't stay. She took me in the middle of the night to try and hitchhike back to Oklahoma. Freddy came and found us. My mom came out of that night covered in bruises that lasted for weeks.
The next morning when Freddy went to work with the husband, the wife took my mom and I to the county line and dropped us off on the highway. We hitchhiked back to Oklahoma. My mammaw got a call from a trucker who told her that he had her pregnant daughter and grand daughter. He also told her that my mom was beat up pretty bad. My mammaw came and picked us up from a motel and took us back to her apartment....
I will pick up here tomorrow.
Thank you for being patient with me. I hesitate in sharing so many specific details. It is my belief that not only does God knit us together in our wombs...but that He pursues us from birth out of His desire to have intimacy with us... I am giving you the full picture so that when I get to the part where He redeems me and makes all things new in my life...He will get as much glory as possible!
I also want to apologize if some of this seems choppy. I only want to write about what I remember...so you are seeing the gaps where I simply have no memory or information to fill them in.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
My Story - Part 2
The big events of age 5!
When I was 5 my mom and I hitchhiked from California to Oklahoma to live with my mammaw. I think hitchhiking was much safer back then, my mom seemed to prefer this method for travel alot. :) Shortly after coming back to Oklahoma we moved to Arizona to live with my mom's older brother, Glenn and his wife Cindy. Growing up my mom was very best friends with her older brother and not as close with her younger brother. Both of my uncles were very loving and two of the VERY few men that felt safe to me.
My mom instantly hooked up with my uncle's best friend/business partner Dennis. We had not lived with my Uncle Glenn long when one day my mom and Dennis got in a terrible fight. My mom was crying hysterically and my Uncle Glenn tried to come in and mediate. Minutes later my mom, Aunt Cindy and I watched Dennis shoot my uncle once in the chest and once in the back. He was dead by the time the ambulance made it to the house.
Not only was my uncle my mom's best friend but he was also my mammaw's "favorite child."
Something happened to my mom...and my mammaw...and it wasn't good.
My mom's drug and alcohol abuse spiraled out of control. My mammaw would get calls from babysitters because my mom dropped me off and didn't come back for me. I would wake up in cars at night scared while she was inside somewhere. She would call my mammaw from payphones to come get me. She knew my mammaw loved me and used this to get things. My mom was angry and sad alot. I will leave out lots of specific details of this season because I want to honor my mom as much as possible. Please know that I love her and have compassion for where she was then and now. This is a miracle because I could not always say this. God is still in the process of giving me His perspective on her life. I no longer see her thru the lense of my pain and rejection. The more love and grace He pours into my life...the more I want to pour into hers.
My mammaw nearly went into a mental hospital...literally. She says to this day that having to take care of me was the only thing that kept her sane. She used alcohol to numb the pain. She always managed her alcohol well...or it managed her. She had the ability to drink habitually as a mood regulator and yet remain responsible. She was scared of what would happen to me if she weren't there to take care of me. She held it together the best she could for me. God used me to give her purpose because He loved her...she just didn't realize it.
The next big event that year was meeting my dad. My mom took me to his house and introduced me to him as her friend. He took me to a park. While he was pushing me on a swing he told me he was my dad. I told him that he couldn't be...my dad was in heaven (the Dad I prayed to of course). He told me years later that on the day that he met me his first thought was that I was odd. Maybe so...but I somehow knew even then that I had a Father in heaven that saw everything I was going thru and loved me.
I promise things will pick up over the next few days if you just hang in there with me :) I am writing out the big things or events that I feel shaped me into who I was before Christ and that He later turned into something beautiful. He has this wonderful way of bringing joy from sorrow and beauty from ashes...
When I was 5 my mom and I hitchhiked from California to Oklahoma to live with my mammaw. I think hitchhiking was much safer back then, my mom seemed to prefer this method for travel alot. :) Shortly after coming back to Oklahoma we moved to Arizona to live with my mom's older brother, Glenn and his wife Cindy. Growing up my mom was very best friends with her older brother and not as close with her younger brother. Both of my uncles were very loving and two of the VERY few men that felt safe to me.
My mom instantly hooked up with my uncle's best friend/business partner Dennis. We had not lived with my Uncle Glenn long when one day my mom and Dennis got in a terrible fight. My mom was crying hysterically and my Uncle Glenn tried to come in and mediate. Minutes later my mom, Aunt Cindy and I watched Dennis shoot my uncle once in the chest and once in the back. He was dead by the time the ambulance made it to the house.
Not only was my uncle my mom's best friend but he was also my mammaw's "favorite child."
Something happened to my mom...and my mammaw...and it wasn't good.
My mom's drug and alcohol abuse spiraled out of control. My mammaw would get calls from babysitters because my mom dropped me off and didn't come back for me. I would wake up in cars at night scared while she was inside somewhere. She would call my mammaw from payphones to come get me. She knew my mammaw loved me and used this to get things. My mom was angry and sad alot. I will leave out lots of specific details of this season because I want to honor my mom as much as possible. Please know that I love her and have compassion for where she was then and now. This is a miracle because I could not always say this. God is still in the process of giving me His perspective on her life. I no longer see her thru the lense of my pain and rejection. The more love and grace He pours into my life...the more I want to pour into hers.
My mammaw nearly went into a mental hospital...literally. She says to this day that having to take care of me was the only thing that kept her sane. She used alcohol to numb the pain. She always managed her alcohol well...or it managed her. She had the ability to drink habitually as a mood regulator and yet remain responsible. She was scared of what would happen to me if she weren't there to take care of me. She held it together the best she could for me. God used me to give her purpose because He loved her...she just didn't realize it.
The next big event that year was meeting my dad. My mom took me to his house and introduced me to him as her friend. He took me to a park. While he was pushing me on a swing he told me he was my dad. I told him that he couldn't be...my dad was in heaven (the Dad I prayed to of course). He told me years later that on the day that he met me his first thought was that I was odd. Maybe so...but I somehow knew even then that I had a Father in heaven that saw everything I was going thru and loved me.
I promise things will pick up over the next few days if you just hang in there with me :) I am writing out the big things or events that I feel shaped me into who I was before Christ and that He later turned into something beautiful. He has this wonderful way of bringing joy from sorrow and beauty from ashes...
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
My Story - Part 1
Part 1 - The facts (birth thru age 5)
My mom and her 2 brothers were raised primarily by their mom (my mammaw) who had all 3 of them by the age of 19. Their dad (my papaw) was in prison off and on...the last time for 23 years. They grew up not knowing him. I say this to give you insight into why my mom may have raised me the way she did. She was handicapped emotionally and realtionally and did the best she could without Jesus. I love her!
My mom gave birth to me in Oklahoma City a few months after her 16th birthday. My dad met me when I was days old and chose not to be involved...I did not see him again until I was 5. My mom moved to California with a friend when I was a few months old. My first 5 years I lived back and forth between California with my mom and Oklahoma City with my mammaw. My mom was addicted to drugs and alcohol and seemed to find herself in dysfunctional relationships with men. My mammaw was very loving and safe. I now realize God was giving me a place of comfort and security when I was with my mammaw. She was a vessel of His love...even though she didn't realize it.
I was molested somewhere close to age five by a mentally retarded teenage boy. He was the son of the family my mom and I lived with in California. He use to like to play house with me. I was the wife and he was the husband. I remember around 4 and 5 feeling very ashamed...awkward and alone. I remember seeing drugs around the house and picking up on the dysfunction of things. I knew something wasn't right. It seems odd to me now that I would recognize these things at such a young age.
I remember laying in my bed at night and praying. I still remember some of my prayers. I would ask God to bless all of my earthly family and my dolls. I would tell all the heavenly people and angels goodnight. Strange little child I was. I knew even then that He was with me. I did not go to church. I can not give credit to anyone for teaching me to pray. It was Him and Him alone who revealed Himself to a scared little girl in a screwed up situation. He was pursuing me even at age 5...
Lots happened when I was 5. I will share more tomorrow...
Oh and if I knew how to scan pictures I would post some. Maybe Jerome can help me in the next few days...
My Story - Intro
I have recently realized that I might seem to be a great mystery to some of you. Most of those that read my blog only know bits and pieces of my story. I hesitate in sharing because I don't want to glorify my past sin...I don't want to draw attention to myself...I don't want to isolate some people because they don't had a "bad past"...
I do however want to offer hope for those who have experienced some of the things I have...or who may know someone who has. I want Him to be lifted up in my life. I pray that by you all seeing where He has brought me from that He would be glorified! I LOVE to hear people's stories and am hoping some of you share the same joy. I suppose I will break it up into seperate posts since it seems the blogger-type thing to do :)
In the beginning I will just state the facts of my past. I want to be clear that the choices I made as an adult are not to be excused because of my childhood. However, things that happened in my childhood gave me a propensity toward certain types of sin. I take full responsibility for my adult choices. I am forever grateful that I am fully forgiven for my past, present and future sins and that they are covered by His blood.
After I state the "before Christ" facts...I will share my journey with Him in more poetic terms. I am so grateful for where He has brought me.
Tomorrow I will share the facts of my life thru age 5...
Sunday, February 17, 2008
My Earthly Rescuer
I wrote this poem about 6 years ago for Jerome. I framed it and gave it to him as a valentine's gift. I also read it VERY nervously to him in front of a small group of our friends.
We celebrate February 13th every year. It is the day we met 10 years ago. The day that changed everything. The second greatest day of my life. He is my greatest treasure on this earth!
This is still my heart and more towards him...
There once was girl who was broken and bruised,
she was shameful, dirty, lost and confused.
One night in her grief she fell to her knees,
and cried out to a God that her eyes could not see.
The faith in her heart told her He would hear,
salvation He granted in answer to her prayer.
He cleansed her, renewed her, brought peace to her mind,
then told her, "The weight of your sin is now Mine."
"The girl you once were is not who you'll be,
I'm taking your shame and making you free."
"To help me accomplish this work in you child,
I will give you a man who is undefiled."
"His heart toward Me is perfect and true,
passionate and strong is his love for you."
"Committment is driven deep in his heart,
no trial on earth can tear you apart."
"When you know his love, you will know Mine,
I will work thru him with longsuffering and time...
to bring about the healing you desire."
"This man I give you will help take you higher...
to the places that your heart longs to soar,
He's the kind of man that you've always longed for."
"He will be patient and he will be kind,
his motives unlike any you'd find."
"He will gently handle your heart with care,
when you're broken, he and Jesus will be there."
When your anger rages, not knowing why,
he will be there when your eyes finally cry."
When you're going thru things that you don't understand,
he will be eager to obey My command....
to always love you as Christ loves His church....
considering himself last and considering you first...
serving you humbly as though serving Me,
bearing your burdens, then casting them at my feet."
"When you rejoice at the new things you've found,
my joy is complete! his lips will resound."
"With My love in his heart he'll embrace you so tight,
with my strength, for your healing he'll relentlessly fight!"
"Please accept this man as a gift of My love,
serve him faithfully as though you were serving My Son."
He is still fighting for me and loving me to places of greater freedom all these years later! Oh how I love him!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Opinions of the Wise
"One of the things my reason tells me is that I ought to check the results of my own thinking by the opinions of the wise. I go to authority because reason sends me to it-" C.S. Lewis
I am incredibly thankful that God has put people in my life that I can look to when I am uncertain or confused. I am even more grateful that He has weeded enough pride out of my heart so I don't think more highly of myself than I ought and therefore realize when I need insight or direction. This is no small miracle.
There are many people in my life either directly or indirectly who I look to for godly counsel on a variety of issues.
I am extremely emotional. This is a great strength but also a great weakness. My emotions can sometimes become my truth. When I "feel" reason brings me to a certain conclusion I sometimes find my emotions have decieved me. Many times I realize the err in my thinking with the help of someone wiser than I.
I am drawn to those with wisdom, humility, passion, love and joy to name a few. The more He teaches me....the more I want to know. I often look at the lives of those that have wisdom coupled with humility and glean as much as I can from them. I am grateful for those willing to live their lives in the open for His kingdom!
Thank you to all of you who let me peek into your lives...or come in and plop right down on your couch and hang out a while :) I hope you all know who you are. You are BEAUTIFUL to me!
Do you have one or more mentors...directly or indirectly? What type of people are you drawn to?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Perfect Parent
"You are quick to mark every simple effort to please You, and just as quick to overlook imperfections when I meant to do Your will." (A.W. Tozer)
I came across this 2 days ago during my morning Treasure Time. I was reminded of it this morning.
Each morning part of my prayer time is spent on me begging Him to teach me to love my boys on a deeper level...with more sacrifice...cultivating more intimacy. I feel so often I fail at this. I am desperate for my boys to have what I didn't have growing up...consistent love and affection from their parents so they might know His love. This drives me to a standard of perfection in this area...which often sets me up for failure.
This morning I had the girls in my teenage girls' bible study heavy on my heart. They come from all different types of families. A few of the girls aren't christians...most are. A common theme amongst them is a consistent strain in their family relationships. There are issues all the way from abandonment to slight rejection. At our girls' group on Monday night we shared our burdens and spent some time praying for each other as a group. A great deal of their burdens were their family relationships.
As my heart was aching for the girls this morning He shifted my thoughts to my own dad. My dad comes in and out of my life. When he is in my life it is for short periods...when he is out it is for years. I can honestly say that most days I do not feel the void. Jesus has become my everything, my perfect Parent and so He fills in those empty places...heals the wounds...and brings comfort when the pain does come. Thru this reminder I was filled with hope for the girls. Of course He desires for them to have intimacy with their earthly parents and I pray for this. Of course He desires for their family relationships to be healed and I yearn for this. BUT if this doesn't happen...He is capable of filling those empty places in their lives with Himself thru other ways...other people...other expressions of Himself.
Back to my boys. I want desperatley for them to know His eternal love thru my human love. This is my part. My simple effort is to pour His love into them the best I know how...trusting Jesus to fill the empty places that I miss. I mean to do His will by loving them with His love. I am thankful that He is quick to overlook my imperfections when I miss the mark. This has brought me a bit more hope and freedom today. I pray it has for you too!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
A Pure Lust
We have had some tentants in one of our rental properties that we have grown to love. Jerome has ministered to them for 2 years. They are a precious little family. They have 2 girls that are 3 and 4 and an 8 month old baby, Conner. Conner was born with a bad liver. He has been VERY sick all of his little life. He has been on a transplant list. He finally got his transplant a few days ago.
On Jerome's way home from collecting rent a few nights ago he had this time with God. He said the only way he could describe it is that he felt a pure lust for Conner to be healed. He wanted it so badly. He desperatley wished he had the power to make it happen. He was overwhelmed with this desire.
Then he stopped by another one of our properties. The guy who manages these particular units for us told Jerome he had rented an upstairs unit to a single mom with 4 kids. Her kids' dad is in prison. One of her kids is a boy in a wheel chair. She wheels her son up and down the stairs. He said he felt an overwhelming desire to go meet her...minister to her. He felt this pure lust again to help her know and understand God's love for her. He wanted to move her to a unit that cost more but was not upstairs and pay the difference in her rent. He decided he couldn't help everyone. He was limited by his time and money. As he was walking back to his car her and two of her daughters came down the stairs. He talked to them for a few minutes.
When he got in his car and started driving home he felt the pure lust he described again. God showed Him that this is what He feels for the world. He wants all men to have His peace and joy despite their financial or physical circumstances. Like Jerome is limited by his time and money...God is limited by man's free will. He will not force us to let Him in. He will pursue...He will break us...but He will not force.
He has a pure lust for us to be made spiritually whole in Him.
Conner's body rejected the liver. Yesterday they gave Him a week to live. This evening they took Conner off of life support and he passed away. Henry and Jodi (his parents) are sick with grief. We are sick with grief. Jesus is grieving with us all.
Jerome is at the hospital. A life group that has been ministering to them for months is there as well. Pray they see God's love thru people...thru His peace and comfort.
Pray that they know, despite Conner passing away, that He is good. Pray for them to see God working all things together for good in all of this.
He loves this family and has a pure lust for them to know His love deep in their inner being.
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