My Story - Part 6

I was so happy to be back with my mammaw. The only problem was that her husband was a retired Master Sargent in the service. He was not very loving and didn't take to me very well. I was used to this by now. I felt a great deal of rejection from men.

I remember my dad coming to visit me here. This started a reconnection between he and I. I had developed bitterness towards him for not being around for so many years. I was starting to realize that little girls were suppose to have dads. I would fight with him and yell at him during these years. I had a lot of anger welling up on the inside.

We had always been poor up to this point. This made me feel very out of place in Edmond schools. My mammaw and her husband Don had some friends that had a very large house north of town. It sat back on a hill. At the front of the property they had a little 2 bedroom guest house. We moved here.

Steve came back briefly but he and my mom could not reconcile so he left. Then a guy came into our lives named Kenny. My mom had met him in Seiling. They ended up getting together. This is when the externals calmed down even more. But my mom had an internal storm. Her storm and mine didn't mix well. She was mad at me a lot. We would have physical fights. I hated it. I wanted to be close to her more than anything but I didn't know how to fix everything. In her anger she would yell terrible things at me...chase me down...hit me...and rebellion set in. It was my way of dealing with the rejection I think.

Kenny didn't drink or do drugs at this point. He had quit. They decided to live a normal life together...HALLELUJAH! Well...kind of. He never attached to me very well...but then again...I was use to this. Steven was 5 when they got together. He eventually adopted him. Kenny was the only dad Steven ever knew.

At school I had normal friends but I remember being ashamed of where we lived and the cars we drove. When Kenny would drop me off at school I would have him drop me off at Braum's so no one would see me get out of his giant, burnt orange nineteen seventy something Impala :) I wold walk over to school from there.

6th and 7th grade I felt like I fit in somewhat on the outside. Socially I wasn't in the same status but I was holding my own. I had a birthday party at our house for my 13th birthday. My dad came and my Uncle Ronnie. A handful of my friends. I remember how shocked I was that people actually came.

13 was a mile marker for me. It was the summer before my 8th grade year. I was wanting the attention of boys a lot more. There was a 16 year old boy named Mark who lived in my best friend's neighborhood. He had a car. He started paying attention to me. One day I rode the bus home to my friend Jeannie's house. She had stayed home from school. I planned on walking from the bus stop to her house. He was waiting for me at the bus stop. He told me he would give me a ride...which I thought was cool. He instead took me to his house...pulled in his garage and I knew what was about to happen. I tried to get out of the car before the garage door closed but I was too late. He told me to just come inside and talk to him. I tried to go out his front door and he wouldn't let me. At this point I had never even kissed a boy by my own free will. I had never had a boyfriend. He chased me around his house and caught me and raped me. I came out of that incident still never having kissed a boy. I had not even started my period for the first time at this point. (Sorry if there are boys reading this). Something happened inside me at this point. There was a switch. I felt as though this is just what I was destined for. I wanted so desperately to have the love and approval of boys and I realized this is what they wanted. I figured I would have to give them what they wanted to get what I wanted. Sex for love. It was a lie and I believed it for a long time.

Shortly after that I started my period for the first time. I was so emotionally removed from my mom that I didn't tell her...I was embarrased and on some levels ashamed. She found my sheets and asked me about it.

Me and a few friends started sneaking out to see boys who were 16 and 17 that lived in Oklahoma city. We would save our lunch money and have them buy us Cherry Vodka. I would drink every weekend to the point of throwing up and not remembering what happened the night before. I was having sex with the 16 year old boy I was going to see.

I was trying my best to cover up the pain. When I would really face myself the shame would come. This is where God came back into my thinking. The sex and alcohol left me feeling so empty. I no longer craved a closeness with my mom or even my brother. I only wanted to be with my friends and the boy. When these relationships failed me I would cry out to God. I started writing Him letters.

I had one Christian friend. Her parents took me to church. She listened to christian music. Her home was different. God ended up using her family in my life years later.

Pain was the key that unlocked the door to my heart so that He could start coming back in. It took years and years but I finally surrendered.

Tomorrow I will talk about 9th 10th and 11th grade. The day after I will talk about me moving out of my house at 16 and eventually becoming a stripper by the age of 18. We are getting closer to the best part!!!!