My Story - Part 12

I HATED doing drugs at this point. I would BEG God to take them away from me...to remove the craving to do them....whatever He had to do. I desired more than I can describe to live a holy life...it seemed so far out of reach.

This is when things began to calm down for me. I started dancing at a strip club in Ft. Worth but now I hated it. I had such an aversion to dancing. I started seeing it for what it was. When I would go to work I would sit in the dressing room and read my bible. Sometimes I would still do cocaine or meth but I still would sit and read my bible while I was high. I had no desire to do table dances which meant I made barely any money. This didn't go over well with my mom since I was suppose to be helping with the bills. When I did go out of the dressing room into the club I would sit and talk to the customers about God instead of dancing for them.

I had zero confidence that I could do anything else besides strip. I was a high school drop out and had only a few other jobs. I had been dancing since I was 18. What would I put on a resume? I also didn't have a car.

A few things happened. One was that a cab driver that took me home one night and had christian music playing so I asked him if he was a christian. He began talking to me about God. This was extremely encouraging for me. I knew God had sent him to my dark world. He was older and very kind and fatherly...unlike the guys in the clubs.

The next thing that happened is what helped me to finally leave dancing. I had been praying for so long to God to help me have the strength to quit. I knew getting off drugs would be so much easier if they weren't so accessible too. I was on the balcony of mine and my mom's apartment one night crying out to God. I told him that I felt like things were finally coming together. I was going longer periods of time without drugs and going on binges for days less and less. I told Him I felt like my life was like a puzzle that had been dumped out. I felt like He had been putting the pieces together for me. I told Him I felt like there was a piece missing though...so even when the puzzle was put together that piece wouldn't be there.

OK...so the very next night I am at the strip club. As I am dancing on the 5 stages that I would do in a set. I felt naked. I felt embarrassed. This was strange since I had been doing this for so long. I suddenly had the ability to know that these men were lusting after me. I never got this part of it before. I was so focused on the attention I was getting I never took the time to look any deeper. God was supernaturally showing me that I thought I was in control because of my body and the men thought they were in control because of their money...but He showed me that Satan was REALLY the one in control of all of it. I got off my last stage. In this dark, smoky club I see something shimmering underneath one of the tables. I crawl under the table and pick it up and it is a silver cross. It looked like one of those crosses that you put in your pocket with your change. It had no writing on it...just a simple cross. I had a shocked look on my face and a guy walked up to me and asked why I looked like that. I asked him what a cross was doing in a club like this. He took it from me...looked it over...handed it back and said, "It looks like a puzzle piece." I wanted to build an alter right there!

God knew that I needed tangible things to hold onto. That cross was and still is a stone of remembrance for me. I still have it.

I ran back to the dressing room. I couldn't wait to get home to ask Him what all this meant. I was so excited to be with Him and pondered it all over in my mind. When I prayed thru it and read my bible the core of what He showed me was that He did not only come so that I would have salvation. (I was completely saved at this time). He also came to rescue me from my lifestyle of bondage. He died on the cross not only to have the relationship with me that we were already building...but so that I could have an abundant life in Him. There was no abundant life in the strip clubs. This is what it took for me to finally trust Him! This was my missing puzzle piece. It all just clicked!

I pray you see that God was not nearly concerned so much with my life becoming spotless right away as He was with me understanding His character...with me being broken...with me dveloping a deep and intimate relationship with Him thru my brokeness. He was waiting for the right time. He wanted to Rescue me. More importantly He wanted me to KNOW....really KNOW who He was! This season was the most bitter-sweet...the most romantic...the most intimate extended period of my walk. It was so emotionally driven that it is etched in my mind for all of eternity I am sure! I will never forget the pit I was in and how He came into those dark places to seek me out and deliver me! He has never let me go since!

In the next few posts I will talk about a guy I attached myself to, my mom's overdose, my first (Baptist) church experiences, me being baptized and finally me coming back to Oklahoma where a new chapter of my life began...