I am sitting here loving the wind and the way it blows my weeping willow tree and makes me think of the goodness of God. I have loved sitting here this morning and just being still before Him, enjoying His Presence. I am so thankful for these morning times with Him, not having to be rushed, not having to worry about anything, just sitting still with Him.
I have been thinking about how much He loves to be with us. He gets pleasure when we spend time with Him. He loves and longs for our fellowship, our attention, our affection. We were created to be the object of His affection and Him to be the object of ours. This drives me to want to spend even more time with Him.
Yesterday I woke up, laid in my bed, read a few chapters of scripture and fell back asleep. When I woke back up, I rushed into my day, not stopping to really be with Him first. My day was off. I am not saying there is a formula, spend time with God first thing = great day! We will have days of intense anxiety or suffering or frustration no matter what. But what I am saying is that it is beneficial to turn our attention and affections towards Him at the beginning of our day so that as we go along from there we are more likely to have our focus on Him instead of our circumstances.
But the most motivating reason for me to seek Him first most days is this: The God of the universe has made me His child. He loves me. He delights in me. He receives joy and pleasure from the time I spend with Him. The One who gives me my very next breath, who doesn't NEED anything from me, loves to simply be with me and enjoys my fellowship.
Last night, our 5 year old came into our room after we put him night night. He asked a question, and then as he was walking back to bed I had a flash back to when our 10 year old was as little as him. I wanted time to stand still. I wanted the days to not pass so quickly. I wanted them to know at this young age they are important enough for me to spend time with them. Personal, intimate time where I am delighting in them and all that they are! When they are 20, 30 and 40 I pray I am still spending personal, intimate time with them, delighting in them and all that they are! If I am an imperfect parent and I desire this intimacy with my children, how much more does my perfect, heavenly Father desire this with me...and you!
If you are not already, I encourage you to carve out space at the beginning of your day to spend personal, intimate time with the One who loves you most! He takes great delight in you!
Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
All I Need is You!
I was sitting on my porch this morning singing worship songs to the God I love. I was choosing to sing out of a bit of discouragement. In my struggle against the negative thoughts that kept coming to mind, I finally was able to push them aside and just think about who He is.
I began thinking about the miracle of my life. I say miracle because when He rescued me I was dancing topless in strip clubs and addicted to drugs. He did something supernatural in me right away. Although I continued to dance and do drugs, I began wanting Him more than anything else, even though my flesh was so weak. He gave me this special love for Him, like a unique Treasure. That love urged me to read His word in my desperation for Truth, to cry out to Him in my extreme distress, to sing songs to Him in my depression, to chase Him down anyway I knew how. That love has only grown deeper and more intimate every day the last 14 years I have been following Him.
When I think about it, it is so strange. I never thought anyone would ever want to marry me, I never thought I would be a godly wife, mom, friend or a godly anything. At times that first year, I thought surely I would be enslaved to my addictions the rest of my days, never knowing freedom in this area. I was SO SO SO very weak. My emotions were the weakest of just about anyone I knew!
Yet, now when I look at the life He has given me, I am amazed! Not just because of Jerome and the boys, not just because He lets me love on sweet African children, not just because of my friends or influence.
What amazes me the most is that He keeps fanning the flame of this love He has given me for Him. He keeps me wanting more of Him. He keeps giving me the grace to trust Him in trial after trial. He keeps putting dreams in my heart that only He can bring to pass. He keeps revealing to me the greatness of who He is in new and wonderful ways. He keeps showing me that He is the God who can bring impossible things to pass. He keeps opening my eyes to new treasures in scriptures I have read a hundred times. He keeps speaking to my heart in a very real way, that He, the God of the universe, is for me, that He loves me deeply, that He rescued me and keeps me close to Him because I am His most prized possession, that He wants me to know that He is all I need so that I will bring great glory to Him.
He truly is hidden in me as I am hidden in Him. Him making His home in me, of all people, is the most beautiful proof of His steadfast love.
So today, He is enough for me. I don’t need Him to answer the cries of my heart. I don’t need Him to fix my circumstances. I don’t need Him to do what I think is best. I don’t need the praise of man. I don’t need to be accepted. I don’t need to have calm children J I don’t need to be the perfect wife. I don’t even need assurance that I will set foot on African soil ever again.
But what I do need is HIM. If everything else I hold dear is stripped away, yet I have HIM, I have all I REALLY need. He rescued me, He holds my life in His hands, He has my name written on His heart. He is the God I love because He first loved me and today I am delighting myself in all that He is!!!
I love you my sweet, sweet Lord. I love this life you have given us TOGETHER! You are the joy of my heart, my highest Treasure!
I began thinking about the miracle of my life. I say miracle because when He rescued me I was dancing topless in strip clubs and addicted to drugs. He did something supernatural in me right away. Although I continued to dance and do drugs, I began wanting Him more than anything else, even though my flesh was so weak. He gave me this special love for Him, like a unique Treasure. That love urged me to read His word in my desperation for Truth, to cry out to Him in my extreme distress, to sing songs to Him in my depression, to chase Him down anyway I knew how. That love has only grown deeper and more intimate every day the last 14 years I have been following Him.
When I think about it, it is so strange. I never thought anyone would ever want to marry me, I never thought I would be a godly wife, mom, friend or a godly anything. At times that first year, I thought surely I would be enslaved to my addictions the rest of my days, never knowing freedom in this area. I was SO SO SO very weak. My emotions were the weakest of just about anyone I knew!
Yet, now when I look at the life He has given me, I am amazed! Not just because of Jerome and the boys, not just because He lets me love on sweet African children, not just because of my friends or influence.
What amazes me the most is that He keeps fanning the flame of this love He has given me for Him. He keeps me wanting more of Him. He keeps giving me the grace to trust Him in trial after trial. He keeps putting dreams in my heart that only He can bring to pass. He keeps revealing to me the greatness of who He is in new and wonderful ways. He keeps showing me that He is the God who can bring impossible things to pass. He keeps opening my eyes to new treasures in scriptures I have read a hundred times. He keeps speaking to my heart in a very real way, that He, the God of the universe, is for me, that He loves me deeply, that He rescued me and keeps me close to Him because I am His most prized possession, that He wants me to know that He is all I need so that I will bring great glory to Him.
He truly is hidden in me as I am hidden in Him. Him making His home in me, of all people, is the most beautiful proof of His steadfast love.
So today, He is enough for me. I don’t need Him to answer the cries of my heart. I don’t need Him to fix my circumstances. I don’t need Him to do what I think is best. I don’t need the praise of man. I don’t need to be accepted. I don’t need to have calm children J I don’t need to be the perfect wife. I don’t even need assurance that I will set foot on African soil ever again.
But what I do need is HIM. If everything else I hold dear is stripped away, yet I have HIM, I have all I REALLY need. He rescued me, He holds my life in His hands, He has my name written on His heart. He is the God I love because He first loved me and today I am delighting myself in all that He is!!!
I love you my sweet, sweet Lord. I love this life you have given us TOGETHER! You are the joy of my heart, my highest Treasure!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Stirrings of My Heart...
These are all the things that have been stirring around in my heart and head the last few weeks. I believe He has been using my circumstances, experiences and emotions to teach me more about who He is and about my weaknesses and insecurities, so He could bring victory in those areas of struggle through the power of His Spirit at work in me.
He showed me that He alone wants all of the glory and this is also for our highest good!
I am to make Him my consuming focus at all times. I have to choose this moment by moment no matter how I feel.
I must seek Him every day. I can not expect to store manna for even 2 days. I must daily feed from His hand.
I can not fall into the trap of looking at my circumstances or trying to figure things out on my own. I can not make my own strength my God.
I have to be dedicated to doing His will no matter what is going on around me or inside of me.
It is good to worship Him when I don't feel like it. It is good to worship Him when I am not greatly moved, it doesn't make me a hypocrite, it is part of my obedience to Him. It is good to read His word and spend time with Him even when I don't 'feel' His Presence. Fruit will come from these times later.
He alone is my Reward! I must fight to maintain an intimate, growing relationship with Him. I must fight to keep the things I love the most from becoming idols in my heart (to the point of being elevated in admiration or affection above Christ).
Just like manna was a good thing that came from God's hand to nourish the Israelites, when they tried to take more of it than He commanded, that good thing would rot because they had made it an idol and were trying to hoard it out of fear. I too have to keep the good things God has given me in their proper place in my heart and not make them idols so they will be nourishment for my soul and not idolatry. May He take me deeper in this area!!!!
I must cast ALL my anxieties on Him and trust Him at all times, nothing matters near as much as focusing completely on who He is.
I DO NOT WANT TO CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME, OR WHAT I 'THINK' PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME :) I want to live to please Him and Him alone!!! UGH, this is a biggy! I have not struggled as greatly with this like I have the last few weeks. And I really think most of the struggle has been in my head, yet still making it a reality to me.
I want to know Him more, love Him more deeply, experience more of His Presence and glorify Him with every relationship He has put in my life. I want to keep Him as my highest Treasure. I want to be used by Him in the ways He chooses, not the ways I choose. I want to have confidence because I am full of faith in Him and not shrink back out of fear or insecurity. I want to be a better wife, mom, friend, etc. because I am pressing into Him more and not because I am 'trying' harder in my own strength. I want to be more aware of His great love for me and humanity!!! I want to have pure motives and a right heart. I want to TRULY walk in His ways and not slip into auto-pilot mode. I want to be dependent on Him every second of every day! I want to lift high HIS name while bowing down low at His feet and dying to my self.
He showed me that He alone wants all of the glory and this is also for our highest good!
I am to make Him my consuming focus at all times. I have to choose this moment by moment no matter how I feel.
I must seek Him every day. I can not expect to store manna for even 2 days. I must daily feed from His hand.
I can not fall into the trap of looking at my circumstances or trying to figure things out on my own. I can not make my own strength my God.
I have to be dedicated to doing His will no matter what is going on around me or inside of me.
It is good to worship Him when I don't feel like it. It is good to worship Him when I am not greatly moved, it doesn't make me a hypocrite, it is part of my obedience to Him. It is good to read His word and spend time with Him even when I don't 'feel' His Presence. Fruit will come from these times later.
He alone is my Reward! I must fight to maintain an intimate, growing relationship with Him. I must fight to keep the things I love the most from becoming idols in my heart (to the point of being elevated in admiration or affection above Christ).
Just like manna was a good thing that came from God's hand to nourish the Israelites, when they tried to take more of it than He commanded, that good thing would rot because they had made it an idol and were trying to hoard it out of fear. I too have to keep the good things God has given me in their proper place in my heart and not make them idols so they will be nourishment for my soul and not idolatry. May He take me deeper in this area!!!!
I must cast ALL my anxieties on Him and trust Him at all times, nothing matters near as much as focusing completely on who He is.
I DO NOT WANT TO CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME, OR WHAT I 'THINK' PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME :) I want to live to please Him and Him alone!!! UGH, this is a biggy! I have not struggled as greatly with this like I have the last few weeks. And I really think most of the struggle has been in my head, yet still making it a reality to me.
I want to know Him more, love Him more deeply, experience more of His Presence and glorify Him with every relationship He has put in my life. I want to keep Him as my highest Treasure. I want to be used by Him in the ways He chooses, not the ways I choose. I want to have confidence because I am full of faith in Him and not shrink back out of fear or insecurity. I want to be a better wife, mom, friend, etc. because I am pressing into Him more and not because I am 'trying' harder in my own strength. I want to be more aware of His great love for me and humanity!!! I want to have pure motives and a right heart. I want to TRULY walk in His ways and not slip into auto-pilot mode. I want to be dependent on Him every second of every day! I want to lift high HIS name while bowing down low at His feet and dying to my self.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
After Thoughts From a Night of Worship...
I have been thinking about the Benefit Concert for some orphans in Sierra Leone hosted by the FiXX on Sunday. The night was AMAZING! God was glorified and lifted high! This was our greatest desire!
I want to start by saying THANK YOU! 30 kids were sponsored, $2900 was raised. (The total amount raised including pre and post concert giving is $4240!) We were praying for $3,000 and 25 orphans to be sponsored. God is MORE than enough!
One of my FAVORITE parts is that 7 people gave their lives to Christ!!!
We prayed more than anything that He would be fully worshipped by the band and each of us there. AND HE WAS…through our singing and our giving!
At one point during a worship song I looked up and saw pictures of the children on the screen and started crying. I want to be honest, at that point I hadn’t thought of the kids…my thoughts had been about God. The emotion was because of a number of things. I love these children deeply, with a supernatural love given to me by the Lord. In fact, some of them are now our children even though they will likely never step foot on American soil. And as much as I love them, God loves them more. He knows each of them by name. He rescued them one by one. So here is where the tears came from. WHO AM I that He would even give me the strength to fight for those who are precious to Him? WHO AM I that He would use my life in ANY way? WHO AM I???? I am weak, powerless, messy, scattered, disorganized and have very little influence in this world. But yet the God of the universe asked me to join Him in loving these children.
As I looked at their pictures during worship I thought back to when they were each just a name on a spread sheet. I thought of how God burdened my heart to write them, then visit them. I thought about how I fought with Him in these things. I never knew that He would make some of them my own children, that He would call me to keep my commitment to them no matter what the cost or how strong the battle.
Last night, He reminded me of the honor He has given me to suffer with Him! He reminded me how precious PEOPLE are to Him. Me and you, we are precious to Him. Those beautiful ones we celebrated Sunday night, they are precious to Him. When we invest in the lives of people for His sake, and not just when it’s easy, we are investing in eternity, we are advancing the gospel!
Most of these children were taken in at a very young age by an African Pastor. They were taught when they had very little provisions to thank Him for what they did have. They were taught to set their heart on seeking and worshipping Him. They have been taught from the beginning that God wants to use them to change their nation. As most of them are now teenagers those dreams are needing to come to fruition.
Right now a team is on the ground with some Agricultural professors and students from OSU teaching them how they can use the land and resources God has given them to change their nation for generations after you and I are gone. They are seeing how God REALLY has had a plan for them all along! They are filled with the hope and joy of the Lord! This all started because one man agreed to take one child in, provide for him and raise him in the Lord. Now a generation of children who love the Lord are being prepared for the good works God has planned for them to do in His name!
We each are one person, but we too can invest in the life of one child and make an eternal difference.
I got an email from World Vision today. It showed a picture of a child who was VERY malnutritioned. It talked of the 1.5 children at risk of starvation in Niger, West Africa. I thought to myself, the needs are overwhelming!
BUT, by the grace of God I can invest in the lives of the orphaned children He has called me to and be a part of changing an entire nation through their lives.
By loving and empowering these children, they can carry out their callings.
You all have been loving and empowering us to carry out our callings...some of you for years and in various ways.
Last night Jerome and I were marveling at how each person who invested in us along the way has helped bring us to the point we are now, in Christ. We desperately need each other! God has set it up this way and I am so glad He does.
So please hear my heart….WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! We are VERY thankful for each of you! We do not deserve to be so lavishly loved by you. You are the source of so much of our joy in the Lord.
Thank you for partnering with us to love 94 orphans on the coast of West Africa. Thank you for helping us reach out to the lost here in America. All of this is as much worship as the songs we sing to Him!!!! Thank you for helping us lift HIGH His name all over the earth in all kinds of ways!
As the body of Christ, may we continue to be a display of His splendor to the world. May we continue to glorify Him through every act of worship!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The Desire of Our Hearts
I am seeing the Lord be so much more than I imagined. I know that we have many plans in our hearts but it is the Lord's plans that prevail. I am learning to trust Him more through every trial. With a deeper understanding of who He is comes a deeper reverance. He alone is the Lord and can do whatever He pleases, however He pleases.
As I try to seek Him with my whole heart I find Him...over and over again I find Him.
He Alone is the famous One! He Alone is wise! I want to lift High His name Him with my whole life. I want to see His glory! I want to fight so hard with His strength for those who can not fight for themselves. I want to rejoice if I am counted worthy to suffer for doing the good He has called me to. I do not want to shrink back in fear. I do not want to relent out of discouragement. Instead, I want to press on...I want to persevere. I want to stand firm letting NOTHING move me. I want to ALWAYS give myself FULLY to the work of the Lord, knowing that my labor in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Corinthians 15:58) I am finding this to be VERY difficult at times. I am tempted to take the easy way out. But the more I seek Him, the more He strengthens me for the battle. The more I cry out to Him in the pain of disappointment, the more He pours out His JOY!
The more I worship Him for who He is and not what He does for me, the more He proves His Love to me! His love never fails! His love is stronger than death! I know and can rely on the Love of the One who gave His life for me!
I spent the morning looking up verses concerning the fatherless. What I discovered penetrated my heart. I saw a little more clearly the love, justice, faithfulness and fierce devotion to those who are weak and oppressed. It made my heart so happy that this is the kind of God I serve. A God who is mighty to save and does! A God who calls man to defend the ones who can not defend themselves. A God who rescues and heals the broken! This caused everything within me to want to rise up like a mighty warrior princess in the name of my God and fight! And so I did, I went to my closet and got on my knees and cried out for those who are oppressed! I waged war against the spiritual forces through prayer. I know He heard. I know He even prayed through me. I know He allowed me to feel only a portion of His fierce devotion to those I was praying for.
I am so humbled that He loves you and me this same way.
The more of Him He allows me to discover, the more delight it brings my heart to know that He calls me His own. That we are not overlooked. We are not an afterthought. He intentionally put everyone of us on this planet in hopes that we might come to Him and live in Him for all of eternity...from the orphan to richest of men...for His glory and joy!
It is my personal plea and prayer to anyone who might read this. Please make spending time with Him a priority. I can not tell you how much He longs for this! He is a Rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Please make time to KNOW Him more!!!!
May He alone become the desire of our hearts!!!!
As I try to seek Him with my whole heart I find Him...over and over again I find Him.
He Alone is the famous One! He Alone is wise! I want to lift High His name Him with my whole life. I want to see His glory! I want to fight so hard with His strength for those who can not fight for themselves. I want to rejoice if I am counted worthy to suffer for doing the good He has called me to. I do not want to shrink back in fear. I do not want to relent out of discouragement. Instead, I want to press on...I want to persevere. I want to stand firm letting NOTHING move me. I want to ALWAYS give myself FULLY to the work of the Lord, knowing that my labor in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Corinthians 15:58) I am finding this to be VERY difficult at times. I am tempted to take the easy way out. But the more I seek Him, the more He strengthens me for the battle. The more I cry out to Him in the pain of disappointment, the more He pours out His JOY!
The more I worship Him for who He is and not what He does for me, the more He proves His Love to me! His love never fails! His love is stronger than death! I know and can rely on the Love of the One who gave His life for me!
I spent the morning looking up verses concerning the fatherless. What I discovered penetrated my heart. I saw a little more clearly the love, justice, faithfulness and fierce devotion to those who are weak and oppressed. It made my heart so happy that this is the kind of God I serve. A God who is mighty to save and does! A God who calls man to defend the ones who can not defend themselves. A God who rescues and heals the broken! This caused everything within me to want to rise up like a mighty warrior princess in the name of my God and fight! And so I did, I went to my closet and got on my knees and cried out for those who are oppressed! I waged war against the spiritual forces through prayer. I know He heard. I know He even prayed through me. I know He allowed me to feel only a portion of His fierce devotion to those I was praying for.
I am so humbled that He loves you and me this same way.
The more of Him He allows me to discover, the more delight it brings my heart to know that He calls me His own. That we are not overlooked. We are not an afterthought. He intentionally put everyone of us on this planet in hopes that we might come to Him and live in Him for all of eternity...from the orphan to richest of men...for His glory and joy!
It is my personal plea and prayer to anyone who might read this. Please make spending time with Him a priority. I can not tell you how much He longs for this! He is a Rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Please make time to KNOW Him more!!!!
May He alone become the desire of our hearts!!!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
A Beautiful Moment / My Great Failures
I woke up last Saturday with a familiar dilemma before me. You see I had some work that really needed to be done. It really NEEDED to be done while everyone was still asleep. But I also knew this was time that I could be alone with God and seek His face. I needed a “Great Moment." So I put on some worship and dropped to the ground. I called out:
“God I need You!”
“God I want YOU!”
“God you are my Souls delight!”
“Help me Lord!”
I moved from position to position trying to focus and still nothing. 30 min later I moved to the closet in my bedroom and my mind became illuminated to a simple thought.
“He will reign over my heart for all time!”
I know that sounds simple but it was not in that moment. You see the thought became acute, real, powerful, life giving. My heart felt like it was about to burst. He will REIGN over my heart FOREVER!! You see there is nothing simple about FOREVER!! And this was the kicker:
My heart is wild, uncontrollable, free. It has gotten me in so many destructive situations. Many times I have to call out to Him to keep from hating my own heart. But what I cannot control within a moment HE WILL REIGN IN FOREVER!! How AMAZING!!! WHAT A POWERFUL GOD!! How???
Then the song “Beautiful Exchange” arrived over my headphones. And The LORD, THE MIGHTY ONE made it clear to me that it was through the POWER of the CROSS. He showed me that although Adam walked with Him every day he was destined to fall away because Adam really was walking next to a God he did not know. He did not know Him because of two reasons…
1. Adam did not know how weak he was apart from God
2. Adam did not know that he was walking next to a GOD who loved Him so much that He would suffer immensely for Him.
Now through the Cross we can see the distance. It is no wonder that He says our very best righteousness is like filthy rags. Next to the Cross!! My Heart was so Alive in that moment!!! Nothing compares!! So satisfying!! Even in my body I could feel a THIRST FOR HIM!! David's words were alive, “As the deer pants for water..”
Then I looked over and there was Micah still half asleep. Micah comes and gets me every Saturday to watch cartoons and snuggle on the couch. We have done this routine every since he was 2 years old but this time he climbed into my bed and laid down. It was really strange but I just went with it. I tried for a few minutes to explain what I had just experienced in the closet. I explained to him how that when I have those times with God everything else seems worthless to me. I told him even the good times that I have with him, his brothers and mommy do not compare...much less the crap we deal with in life. I said to him “you have never had any moments like that have you?" He answered, “No." Then I asked him, “Do you know why?” He answered, “I am young and have not been though much." I then explained how that as we grow older and experience more of the pain of life and also experience more "Moments” with God we start to hate this world and long for God “Forever." Then he asked me, “Do you ever wish you were back in the garden like Adam and Eve were?” I almost said yes then I realized how foolish that answer would be. You see in the garden there were no ‘moments." I answered, “Hell No! You see Micah, in the garden there were no moments like what I just had in the closet and moments like that are worth all the pain in life. They alone are worth living or dying for!”
As I was saying this the thought came into my mind, 'How is Micah going to experience these pains?' You see I want to protect him but I also do not want him to be numb to God because he has never experience pain in immense quantities. Sure he has had to deal with me and Shanna’s mistakes as parents but for the most part he has been sheltered.
Well the weekend went on as normal… Cartoons… Playing … Saturday at Life Church…. Playing… bed time around 11PM … Sunday at Frontline… Home to get ready for White Water… Things don’t always go the way you expect, do they? As we were getting ready Micah and Silas came in from the back yard looking pale as a ghost and ran into mommy. Then I hear Shanna say, “Chewy is dead!" What!!!! I thought!!! “I knew this was going to happen!" she said. My heart sank. Surely he is not dead! I went into the back yard and saw him hanging there. “I knew this was going to happen!” she said. “Be quiet Shanna,” I said. “What can I do?” I thought!! “There must be something I can do!” Silas was in bed sobbing… Micah was standing behind me barley crying with a shocked look on his face… Asher seemed totally normal and was saying, “He’s not dead I saw him moving.” “THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO.” He was dead right in front of me. I had put him on a tie out the day before because he had dug out and escaped. I was only going to keep him on it until I got some bricks and dirt to fill the hole so he could not get out again. 'NOW HE IS DEAD.' He had tied himself up and fought so hard that he had cut his own throat. 'HE WAS THE BEST DOG I EVER HAD NOW MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN IN THIS LIFE.' Me and Shanna decided we needed to go to White Water so the children could get their mind off of it. Within a few minutes my dad was on his way to get Chewy to bury him. As I was getting into the van the Lord showed me what a mistake I was making so I told the boys, “Come with me so we can say goodbye.” We walked into the back yard and walked up to his lifeless body and I prayed, “God thank you for Chewy." Then the boys prayed. Everyone was in tears except Asher. Asher was bouncing on the trampoline still in denial. Then we all spoke to Chewy and told him how much we loved him.
Funny how life can just break so quickly. How you can just be cruising along and then it BREAKS! You make one mistake and then everything is changed PERMANENTLY!! How many times have I looked away for just one moment! Relaxed for just a second and then it Breaks! My failures are the only thing that never go away! Weak! Hiding in the Garden wondering how God will react to my failure! We know HE sees. We know there is no hiding!! I know He sees when I snap at my kids!! When I let down my friends! When I mistreat my wife!! When I waste money knowing there are people starving!! When I spend time on worthless things instead of seeking HIS GLORIOUS FACE!
BUT IN THE 'MOMENT' I SEE HIM SO CLEARLY!! IN THE 'MOMENT' HE GIVES ME STRENGTH TO PUSH ON!! IN THE 'MOMENT' HE MAKES ME GREAT!!! IN THE 'MOMENT' MY FAILURES ARE CONSUMED IN HIS HOLY FIRE!! IN THE 'MOMENT' I SEE THE POWER OF HIS CROSS!!!! I SEE MY WEAKNESS AND HOW WONDERFUL HE IS TO DIE FOR ME!!!!
IM THE 'MOMENT' I SEE 'THE LORD THE MIGHTY ONE' WHO WILL REIGN OVER MY HEART FOREVER!!!!
“God I need You!”
“God I want YOU!”
“God you are my Souls delight!”
“Help me Lord!”
I moved from position to position trying to focus and still nothing. 30 min later I moved to the closet in my bedroom and my mind became illuminated to a simple thought.
“He will reign over my heart for all time!”
I know that sounds simple but it was not in that moment. You see the thought became acute, real, powerful, life giving. My heart felt like it was about to burst. He will REIGN over my heart FOREVER!! You see there is nothing simple about FOREVER!! And this was the kicker:
My heart is wild, uncontrollable, free. It has gotten me in so many destructive situations. Many times I have to call out to Him to keep from hating my own heart. But what I cannot control within a moment HE WILL REIGN IN FOREVER!! How AMAZING!!! WHAT A POWERFUL GOD!! How???
Then the song “Beautiful Exchange” arrived over my headphones. And The LORD, THE MIGHTY ONE made it clear to me that it was through the POWER of the CROSS. He showed me that although Adam walked with Him every day he was destined to fall away because Adam really was walking next to a God he did not know. He did not know Him because of two reasons…
1. Adam did not know how weak he was apart from God
2. Adam did not know that he was walking next to a GOD who loved Him so much that He would suffer immensely for Him.
Now through the Cross we can see the distance. It is no wonder that He says our very best righteousness is like filthy rags. Next to the Cross!! My Heart was so Alive in that moment!!! Nothing compares!! So satisfying!! Even in my body I could feel a THIRST FOR HIM!! David's words were alive, “As the deer pants for water..”
Then I looked over and there was Micah still half asleep. Micah comes and gets me every Saturday to watch cartoons and snuggle on the couch. We have done this routine every since he was 2 years old but this time he climbed into my bed and laid down. It was really strange but I just went with it. I tried for a few minutes to explain what I had just experienced in the closet. I explained to him how that when I have those times with God everything else seems worthless to me. I told him even the good times that I have with him, his brothers and mommy do not compare...much less the crap we deal with in life. I said to him “you have never had any moments like that have you?" He answered, “No." Then I asked him, “Do you know why?” He answered, “I am young and have not been though much." I then explained how that as we grow older and experience more of the pain of life and also experience more "Moments” with God we start to hate this world and long for God “Forever." Then he asked me, “Do you ever wish you were back in the garden like Adam and Eve were?” I almost said yes then I realized how foolish that answer would be. You see in the garden there were no ‘moments." I answered, “Hell No! You see Micah, in the garden there were no moments like what I just had in the closet and moments like that are worth all the pain in life. They alone are worth living or dying for!”
As I was saying this the thought came into my mind, 'How is Micah going to experience these pains?' You see I want to protect him but I also do not want him to be numb to God because he has never experience pain in immense quantities. Sure he has had to deal with me and Shanna’s mistakes as parents but for the most part he has been sheltered.
Well the weekend went on as normal… Cartoons… Playing … Saturday at Life Church…. Playing… bed time around 11PM … Sunday at Frontline… Home to get ready for White Water… Things don’t always go the way you expect, do they? As we were getting ready Micah and Silas came in from the back yard looking pale as a ghost and ran into mommy. Then I hear Shanna say, “Chewy is dead!" What!!!! I thought!!! “I knew this was going to happen!" she said. My heart sank. Surely he is not dead! I went into the back yard and saw him hanging there. “I knew this was going to happen!” she said. “Be quiet Shanna,” I said. “What can I do?” I thought!! “There must be something I can do!” Silas was in bed sobbing… Micah was standing behind me barley crying with a shocked look on his face… Asher seemed totally normal and was saying, “He’s not dead I saw him moving.” “THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO.” He was dead right in front of me. I had put him on a tie out the day before because he had dug out and escaped. I was only going to keep him on it until I got some bricks and dirt to fill the hole so he could not get out again. 'NOW HE IS DEAD.' He had tied himself up and fought so hard that he had cut his own throat. 'HE WAS THE BEST DOG I EVER HAD NOW MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN IN THIS LIFE.' Me and Shanna decided we needed to go to White Water so the children could get their mind off of it. Within a few minutes my dad was on his way to get Chewy to bury him. As I was getting into the van the Lord showed me what a mistake I was making so I told the boys, “Come with me so we can say goodbye.” We walked into the back yard and walked up to his lifeless body and I prayed, “God thank you for Chewy." Then the boys prayed. Everyone was in tears except Asher. Asher was bouncing on the trampoline still in denial. Then we all spoke to Chewy and told him how much we loved him.
Funny how life can just break so quickly. How you can just be cruising along and then it BREAKS! You make one mistake and then everything is changed PERMANENTLY!! How many times have I looked away for just one moment! Relaxed for just a second and then it Breaks! My failures are the only thing that never go away! Weak! Hiding in the Garden wondering how God will react to my failure! We know HE sees. We know there is no hiding!! I know He sees when I snap at my kids!! When I let down my friends! When I mistreat my wife!! When I waste money knowing there are people starving!! When I spend time on worthless things instead of seeking HIS GLORIOUS FACE!
BUT IN THE 'MOMENT' I SEE HIM SO CLEARLY!! IN THE 'MOMENT' HE GIVES ME STRENGTH TO PUSH ON!! IN THE 'MOMENT' HE MAKES ME GREAT!!! IN THE 'MOMENT' MY FAILURES ARE CONSUMED IN HIS HOLY FIRE!! IN THE 'MOMENT' I SEE THE POWER OF HIS CROSS!!!! I SEE MY WEAKNESS AND HOW WONDERFUL HE IS TO DIE FOR ME!!!!
IM THE 'MOMENT' I SEE 'THE LORD THE MIGHTY ONE' WHO WILL REIGN OVER MY HEART FOREVER!!!!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Ridiculous Amounts of JOY!
I have ridiculous amounts of joy! Not because our bank account has lots of money in it, because it doesn't. Not because everyone is nice to me, because they're not. Not because those I love aren't suffering, because they are. Not because my children are perfectly behaved, because, well, you guessed it, they aren't. Not because I am not struggling with my sinful nature, because I always am.
But I have become so focused on who He is that I have lost myself in Him. His joy, His love, His peace has consumed my focus. My fears and failures have little room in my thoughts.
I am in the most amazing love relationship ever! This relationship isn't something that is part of my life. He is my life! He is the very breath I breathe. He is the Source of all beauty in my life. He is the Source of all purpose.
I am understanding and living out through Him the Truth that He is the reason I live. He is my very life. My life is hidden in Him. The very reasons I were created were to bring glory to His name, to do His will, to make desciples of others, to love, to live and breathe in worship to Him. I want to bring Him pleasure the way He brings me pleasure. I want to sing and dance in His Presence, not caring who thinks I am strange. I want to conform less to this world, to the luke-ward parts of the church, to our culture than ever before. I want to be set apart by my love for Him and others, so maybe, just maybe others might follow me in this as I follow Christ!!! I want everyone to KNOW this peace, this JOY, this love and to live and walk in it, E-V-E-R-Y day!!!
I want to worship Him for all of eternity...not just when I bow before His throne...but here, on this earth, even amist the pain and trials. I can say that His joy is my strength! I can say that my life is not my own! I can say that it doesn't matter how half-heartedly others around me follow Him. As for me, and my household, we choose to serve Him with every single ounce of our lives! I was not created for ANYTHING else. Not for my own ambitions, not to chase after earthly pleasures, not to live in 'compfortable' circumstances, not to use all of my energy to achieve my own goals.
No, I was created to do HIS will, to worship Him with my entire life, to teach others to love Him with ALL of their hearts, to bring glory to His name. How can I do anything but bow before the very One that created the earth that I see, fashioned me from the dust and gives me my very next breath.
Any response other than worship would be arrogance. Why would I think I should have the right to control my own life, or even begin to know what is best? I am choosing to yield to the One who knit me together in my mother's womb and has numbered each of my days! I am choosing to bow before the One who is worthy of all my praise and devotion. May this joy, continue to overtake me. May I choose to die everyday to myself so that He can consume every single part of me!!!
Lord, you are holy and set apart. There is NO ONE like you! May I ever live to do your will. May I live to worship you with all of my might in more undignified ways than this. May I live even more fully alive in you to the glory of your name!
I want to love you more than I do. Please increase our love and passion for you so we can lift high your name throughout the earth!
But I have become so focused on who He is that I have lost myself in Him. His joy, His love, His peace has consumed my focus. My fears and failures have little room in my thoughts.
I am in the most amazing love relationship ever! This relationship isn't something that is part of my life. He is my life! He is the very breath I breathe. He is the Source of all beauty in my life. He is the Source of all purpose.
I am understanding and living out through Him the Truth that He is the reason I live. He is my very life. My life is hidden in Him. The very reasons I were created were to bring glory to His name, to do His will, to make desciples of others, to love, to live and breathe in worship to Him. I want to bring Him pleasure the way He brings me pleasure. I want to sing and dance in His Presence, not caring who thinks I am strange. I want to conform less to this world, to the luke-ward parts of the church, to our culture than ever before. I want to be set apart by my love for Him and others, so maybe, just maybe others might follow me in this as I follow Christ!!! I want everyone to KNOW this peace, this JOY, this love and to live and walk in it, E-V-E-R-Y day!!!
I want to worship Him for all of eternity...not just when I bow before His throne...but here, on this earth, even amist the pain and trials. I can say that His joy is my strength! I can say that my life is not my own! I can say that it doesn't matter how half-heartedly others around me follow Him. As for me, and my household, we choose to serve Him with every single ounce of our lives! I was not created for ANYTHING else. Not for my own ambitions, not to chase after earthly pleasures, not to live in 'compfortable' circumstances, not to use all of my energy to achieve my own goals.
No, I was created to do HIS will, to worship Him with my entire life, to teach others to love Him with ALL of their hearts, to bring glory to His name. How can I do anything but bow before the very One that created the earth that I see, fashioned me from the dust and gives me my very next breath.
Any response other than worship would be arrogance. Why would I think I should have the right to control my own life, or even begin to know what is best? I am choosing to yield to the One who knit me together in my mother's womb and has numbered each of my days! I am choosing to bow before the One who is worthy of all my praise and devotion. May this joy, continue to overtake me. May I choose to die everyday to myself so that He can consume every single part of me!!!
Lord, you are holy and set apart. There is NO ONE like you! May I ever live to do your will. May I live to worship you with all of my might in more undignified ways than this. May I live even more fully alive in you to the glory of your name!
I want to love you more than I do. Please increase our love and passion for you so we can lift high your name throughout the earth!
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