My Story - Part 7

My 9th grade year was my last year in Edmond.

I remember being more angry. My mom always liked the house perfect and we fought a lot about this. We would get in big blow outs and then I would end up bawling. I hated the way those fights made me feel.

Kenny was indifferent towards me. He was definitely securing his position as head of the household. He was not passive. He would try at times to include me. I was not ready to warm up to any sort of father figure. I am sure I wasn't the most pleasant step daughter to inherit. I had lots of emotional baggage at this point.

In the 9th grade I still had a very low self esteem. I thought I looked awkward and never really felt like I fit in at school...I hid this though.

My mom and Kenny had an opportunity to open an Abraham's Bail Bond branch in Norman. I asked to live with my mammaw. The fighting was bad and I wanted to be with my friends. My mom agreed at first.

I wasn't at my mammaw's long when a friend's mom found out we had been going to see older boys in OKC on the weekends and lying about it. She told my mammaw everything. The big issue was that this boy was black.

My mammaw and her husband decided to move to Texas. I asked to go with them but I think I was just too much of a strain on her marriage at that point.

I moved to Norman with my mom, Kenny and my brother. Now I was in the 10th grade. My first friend at my new school was black. I knew that my mom and Kenny didn't approve of me having a black boyfriend but I had NO idea what I was about to deal with. I got permission for my friend to stay the night. When we came back from a football game we walked passed my mom and Kenny and went to my room. My mom called me to the living room while my friend stayed in my bedroom. Kenny told me that he would not have a n___ stay at his house. I remember the total shock I felt. A wall up went up in my heart towards him at that very moment. I had to make up a lie to tell her and ask her to call her mom to come get her. When she couldn't get a hold of her mom Kenny took her home. We had a new car but he would not take her in it. He said he didn't want her in his new car and took her in our old Impala. This was the beginning of a HUGE war between the two of us.

My mom and Kenny eventually opened their own bonding business. They did very well. We moved into a nicer house in Norman. Our family began to look normal on the outside. Kenny adopted Steven. I did not want to be adopted by him. I didn't really feel like part of the family. I spent most of my time in my room if I was home. We didn't really do many family things together. I just wanted to be with my friends.

During the 10th grade I was very promiscuous. Boys did not want to make me their girlfriend because of my reputation. The shame was building up. I still remember during this season that I desired so badly to be married one day and to have kids and to stay home with them. I had a deep desire to be a wife and a mom. The more promiscuous I became...the less I felt this dream would ever come true.

I was sneaking out all the time. By the 11th grade I had a few friends that I hung out with most of the time. We would get into 18 to enter clubs. I drank constantly. The clubs were an opportunity to meet older guys and get into more trouble. I met a guy at a club who was 21 when I was 16. He wanted to be my boyfriend. This had been my goal so I wasn't letting him go. He became my God.

I got a job at sonic on my 16th birthday. I saved up enough money to buy my first used car. God was crowded out of my thinking again. I had too many distractions. I know He was patiently waiting for me come to the end of myself.

Kenny was at the point of despising me. He knew the boys I hung out with were black. He hated it. He wouldn't let black friends pick me up in front of our house. He made me meet them at the end of the street. Because of this I despised him too. He finally had enough. He told my mom that I had to move out of he was going to. I gladly moved. I resented them both later.

I had a car and a job. I was going to finish High School even though I was moving out...yeah, right. My mom cosigned for an apartment in Norman. The guy I was with lived with me. He sold crack. He didn't do drugs...just sold them. We just drank. I quit going to school at the end of my 11th grade year. I never measured up academically anyway...so I thought. I was always insecure because I made bad grades. I realize now that I made bad grades because I was insecure.

Tomorrow I will post about ages 18 and 19. This is the first season of my stripping days. The day after I will talk about ages 20 and 21. I was 20 years old when I got hooked on cocaine. It may take two days to talk about 21. This is when I got saved. lots happened between 20 and 22. I continued to strip and do drugs for a year after I became a christian. Hopefully in the next few days we will be thru my salvation and beginning my journey as a new christian...which was interesting to say the least.