At this point I was so behind on my bills. I had no real christian friends. My Spirit was willing but my flesh was still so weak!
An old friend from High School named Jessica that I used to drink and party with called my mammaw. Word had got around that I had become very strung out and moved to Texas. She had become a christian a year and a half earlier. She and her friends started praying for me and had continued to do so for a year before she finally found a way to get in touch with me. When I called her and she shared all this with me I was shocked. I had been saved exactly a year earlier. She told me she had a 2 bedroom apartment. She had a job at an insurance company that she could get me hired at and a church community that had been praying for me! She said that God had been leading her to have me come live with her back in Oklahoma City. I literally had nothing to lose. It was such an answer to prayer. I was craving christian friends so badly. So of course I said...let me pray about it :) I was torn because I didn't want to leave my mom, brother and mammaw but in the end I felt God showed me to go.
I contacted my best friend that I had the last few years before I started doing drugs and told her I was moving back. She said she wanted to come get me and take me to LA for a trip and pay for it so we could reconnect. I ended up doing cocaine and clubbing and staying up all weekend. On the drive back I was miserable. Here came the guilt again. I was so discouraged. How could I be SOOOOO weak! I hated it. It was my turn to drive. My friend was asleep and there were mountains everywhere. I was telling God how I felt like I was destined to be a drug addict the rest of my life. I felt so enslaved. Why couldn't I be completely set free. He surfaced the scripture to my mind that said "if you have the faith of a mustard seed you could move a mountain." I knew I had a mustard seed of faith :) About that time the road curved and the mountain in front of me disappeared behind other mountains. It wasn't magic...it was just a curve of the road...but it was a stone of remembrance for me to hold onto! He was constantly reassuring me in ways that I could see clearly that He was not dissapointed in me and that He was going to finish the work He had begun in me...and He is still holding true to that promise!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
My Story - Part 17
I decided after this retreat that I wanted to be baptized. I wanted to publicly express my love for God and wanted the old me to be buried in the watery grave! I also thought this would be a great way to get my mom and mammaw to come to church :)
Did I mention this was a HUGE baptist church. They had a balcony and the church was full every time I went. I had to stand in front of all these people and give a few minutes worth of my testimony in a microphone. I had only been to church a handful of times and it had not been too long since my last drug binge. Well, wouldn't it be just like Satan to tempt me the night before I was to be baptized...and wouldn't it be just like me to fall for it :) I went with a friend to her friend's house and we ended up smoking meth. I was up all night but I didn't care. I was NOT backing out. If it was one thing I had determination at this point. I had grabbed hold of the verse that says "Though a righteous man falls seven times he gets back up again." I was getting good at getting back up again by the power of His Spirit within me.
My mom and mammaw came. I publicly proclaimed my love for Jesus and was baptized. It was a wonderful feeling. The man that had come to the hospital when my mom was sick invited us to a lunch at the church. He was married with 2 young children. I remember sitting and talking with his wife and desiring to have a sweet family like theirs for myself one day. His wife was in her 30's. She told me that she had not been saved until she was 21 (that is how old I was) and I saw such a kindness and deep beauty in her. It filled me with hope! I wanted Him to make me into a godly woman so bad that I could hardly stand it...and He was!
Did I mention this was a HUGE baptist church. They had a balcony and the church was full every time I went. I had to stand in front of all these people and give a few minutes worth of my testimony in a microphone. I had only been to church a handful of times and it had not been too long since my last drug binge. Well, wouldn't it be just like Satan to tempt me the night before I was to be baptized...and wouldn't it be just like me to fall for it :) I went with a friend to her friend's house and we ended up smoking meth. I was up all night but I didn't care. I was NOT backing out. If it was one thing I had determination at this point. I had grabbed hold of the verse that says "Though a righteous man falls seven times he gets back up again." I was getting good at getting back up again by the power of His Spirit within me.
My mom and mammaw came. I publicly proclaimed my love for Jesus and was baptized. It was a wonderful feeling. The man that had come to the hospital when my mom was sick invited us to a lunch at the church. He was married with 2 young children. I remember sitting and talking with his wife and desiring to have a sweet family like theirs for myself one day. His wife was in her 30's. She told me that she had not been saved until she was 21 (that is how old I was) and I saw such a kindness and deep beauty in her. It filled me with hope! I wanted Him to make me into a godly woman so bad that I could hardly stand it...and He was!
My Story - Part 16
I finally got enough nerve to go to the Sunday School "College and Career" class at the Baptist Church. I felt so incredibly awkward...like a fish out of water. I was determined to push past my fear. I was hungry for fellowship. One of the girls in the class who was very opposite of me....she was simple and pretty and sweet....invited me to an upcoming weekend retreat they were having. I agreed.
I was so nervous. I BEGGED my friend Shawna to go with me. She couldn't go. She loaned me some nice, conservative clothes though. That made me feel like I fit in more :) That retreat was a scary but necessary experience for me. They had a worship time that evening and it was the first time I ever heard "Lord, I lift your name on high." I was embarrassed because everyone knew the words and I didn't. I kept to myself and just soaked it all in. My favorite part was when they had us all go out into the woods with our bible and journals and spend time with God and then come back and share. Now this I knew how to do...in fact I felt like an expert at this point of spending time with God with my bible and journal.
When I was having my time with Him He took me to the verse in James that says to confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed. I felt like he wanted me to seek out the sweet girl that invited me and confess everything to her. Well....I did. Can you imagine what she was thinking?? She had to have known I was a little odd but I am sure she didn't expect to hear everything I shared. She was precious. She encouraged me and prayed with me. I felt the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
I also remember having a conversation with a man in his 40's. I was telling him how excited I was about God. He encouraged me that my passion never had to fade. I think He was right! The bus ride back was much more comfortable that the one there. I felt a little less awkward around other believers. I was fitting in less and less with the world. These people shared my love for God and encouraged me in my walk. I wanted to be a part of a community of believers.
I was so nervous. I BEGGED my friend Shawna to go with me. She couldn't go. She loaned me some nice, conservative clothes though. That made me feel like I fit in more :) That retreat was a scary but necessary experience for me. They had a worship time that evening and it was the first time I ever heard "Lord, I lift your name on high." I was embarrassed because everyone knew the words and I didn't. I kept to myself and just soaked it all in. My favorite part was when they had us all go out into the woods with our bible and journals and spend time with God and then come back and share. Now this I knew how to do...in fact I felt like an expert at this point of spending time with God with my bible and journal.
When I was having my time with Him He took me to the verse in James that says to confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed. I felt like he wanted me to seek out the sweet girl that invited me and confess everything to her. Well....I did. Can you imagine what she was thinking?? She had to have known I was a little odd but I am sure she didn't expect to hear everything I shared. She was precious. She encouraged me and prayed with me. I felt the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
I also remember having a conversation with a man in his 40's. I was telling him how excited I was about God. He encouraged me that my passion never had to fade. I think He was right! The bus ride back was much more comfortable that the one there. I felt a little less awkward around other believers. I was fitting in less and less with the world. These people shared my love for God and encouraged me in my walk. I wanted to be a part of a community of believers.
My Story - Part 15
My mom showed up at my apartment with my mammaw shortly after. I was so shocked! She was suppose to be in the hospital dieing. She looked like death walking. She was so thin and frail. I couldn't believe it. He answered my prayer! He let my mom live!
I do want to say that thru all of this He gave me the grace to know He was good...no matter what. If my mom had died I truly think I would have still embraced Him knowing He was good. I have never been mad at God. I have never blamed God for any of my sufferings. I knew that we lived in a sinful world and that man was fallen. I always knew the problem lie with man and not with God. This could only be His power giving me the strength to believe in Him no matter what had happened in my past or would happen in my future. I had Him and was beginning to realize that it was all I needed. It was a liberating feeling!
I had lost my job at the insurance company thru all of this and I had to find a job close enough to walk. I loved kids. There was a day care close to my apartment and I got a job taking care of 2 year olds. I loved it. I had the best talks with God as I would walk back and forth to work. I felt like He was making all things new and it sometimes seemed as though I could feel the change taking place. One day on my way to work I saw a butterfly and felt clearly that He showed me I was a caterpillar and He was making me into a butterfly as I was in His cocoon. I was in the most romantic relationship of my life and I loved it!
I do want to say that thru all of this He gave me the grace to know He was good...no matter what. If my mom had died I truly think I would have still embraced Him knowing He was good. I have never been mad at God. I have never blamed God for any of my sufferings. I knew that we lived in a sinful world and that man was fallen. I always knew the problem lie with man and not with God. This could only be His power giving me the strength to believe in Him no matter what had happened in my past or would happen in my future. I had Him and was beginning to realize that it was all I needed. It was a liberating feeling!
I had lost my job at the insurance company thru all of this and I had to find a job close enough to walk. I loved kids. There was a day care close to my apartment and I got a job taking care of 2 year olds. I loved it. I had the best talks with God as I would walk back and forth to work. I felt like He was making all things new and it sometimes seemed as though I could feel the change taking place. One day on my way to work I saw a butterfly and felt clearly that He showed me I was a caterpillar and He was making me into a butterfly as I was in His cocoon. I was in the most romantic relationship of my life and I loved it!
My Story - Part 14
During this time I got a call when I was at work that my mom was in the hospital. By the time Shawna got me there my mom was barely conscious. The last thing she told me was that she felt like she was dying. She was. After she spoke those words to me she was unconscious and on life support for 2 weeks.
She had been smoking cocaine and doing other drugs for so many days that she didn't realize she had pneumonia. She was overdosing and her body was shutting down but she didn't realize it because she was so high. Her organs started shutting down. The doctor's told my mammaw and I that there had many so many years of drug use that her body had had enough. They were just expecting her to not come out of it. She had a blood transfusion and still nothing. She just lay there day after day in ICU.
I literally lived in the hospital waiting room. I cried out to God like never before! I called the Baptist church I had went to and asked them to put my mom on their prayer list. They sent someone to the hospital to pray with me and encourage me. This was precious to me. I was astounded that they came. It was completely unexpected and greatly welcomed. I was so broken.
Finally a week and a half into my stay at the hospital there was no change in my mom's condition. I couldn't take it anymore. I was so discouraged. I had cried until I had no tears left. I had lost hope. I was weak and I ended up doing drugs. This was a binge that lasted a few days. It was a very weird experience. I felt like the people that ended up in my apartment had demons speaking thru them saying things to discourage me. It was just bizarre and pushed me over the edge. I was reading the bible out loud...trying to cast out demons...oh my what a sight it was. My friend Shawna finally came over and kicked everyone out of my apartment.
I had so much guilt. Guilt for leaving the hospital...guilt for doing drugs again...piles of guilt. I couldn't face my mammaw or go back to the hospital. I wanted to hide. The guilt lead me to go to the Baptist church across the street :) I went to their prayer meeting. I made one of my friends come with me. We were definitely the youngest ones there. They broke into circles of 8 or so and shared prayer requests and then we all prayed out loud. I was so nervous but even more desperate!
She had been smoking cocaine and doing other drugs for so many days that she didn't realize she had pneumonia. She was overdosing and her body was shutting down but she didn't realize it because she was so high. Her organs started shutting down. The doctor's told my mammaw and I that there had many so many years of drug use that her body had had enough. They were just expecting her to not come out of it. She had a blood transfusion and still nothing. She just lay there day after day in ICU.
I literally lived in the hospital waiting room. I cried out to God like never before! I called the Baptist church I had went to and asked them to put my mom on their prayer list. They sent someone to the hospital to pray with me and encourage me. This was precious to me. I was astounded that they came. It was completely unexpected and greatly welcomed. I was so broken.
Finally a week and a half into my stay at the hospital there was no change in my mom's condition. I couldn't take it anymore. I was so discouraged. I had cried until I had no tears left. I had lost hope. I was weak and I ended up doing drugs. This was a binge that lasted a few days. It was a very weird experience. I felt like the people that ended up in my apartment had demons speaking thru them saying things to discourage me. It was just bizarre and pushed me over the edge. I was reading the bible out loud...trying to cast out demons...oh my what a sight it was. My friend Shawna finally came over and kicked everyone out of my apartment.
I had so much guilt. Guilt for leaving the hospital...guilt for doing drugs again...piles of guilt. I couldn't face my mammaw or go back to the hospital. I wanted to hide. The guilt lead me to go to the Baptist church across the street :) I went to their prayer meeting. I made one of my friends come with me. We were definitely the youngest ones there. They broke into circles of 8 or so and shared prayer requests and then we all prayed out loud. I was so nervous but even more desperate!
My Story - Part 13
I have wrote 6 posts tonight and will post one each day so stay tuned. I am really back this time :)
I had met a guy named Warren in the strip club who I had been telling about my desire to be closer to God...to leave dancing, etc. He said he was a christian too...after all he had went to a christian school :) He appeared to support me leaving dancing also. He did not do drugs. He was just a good ole' boy who liked his beer :)
My mom and I were fighting constantly. Our last fight turned physical with Warren at our apartment. My mom chased me down and Warren intercepted her.
Warren and I immediately got an apartment together. I quit dancing. He had an extra car so I went job hunting. I worked for a temporary agency for a little bit. I started asking if Warren would go to church with me at a Baptist church right across the street from our apartments. He always had an excuse. I became friends with his best friend's girlfriend, Shawna, who lived in our apartment complex. She went to church with me a few times. It was a gigantic Baptist church. I would go by myself sometimes and just sit in the very back where I would not be discovered and soak in the amazing Truths. It was like water to my thirsty soul. I once had to leave the service twice to go throw up because I had such a bad hangover. I made it thru though :)
Warren started going back to the strip clubs. We were fighting constantly. I would sit up hours at night waiting for him while I would write in my journal and pray and read my bible. I would write things like "God please let Warren marry me so we will not being having sex outside of marriage." Oh God must have thought I was adorable. He had so much more in store for me! A constant thing I would beg God for in my journal entries was for Him to make me a godly friend, and eventually a godly wife and mommy.
I was a bit on the crazy side. I was an emotional wreck. Now that I wasn't using drugs every day lots was coming to the surface. Warren couldn't handle it. He took everything in the apartment (it was all his) and his car and left me there alone after a month.
My friend Shawna got me a job in the mail room of the insurance company she worked for. She drove me back and forth to work. She took me to garage sales and thrift stores to get me furniture and clothes...I had thrown all my skimpy clothes out. After Warren left I would sit in my room and cry for hours. It was the most lonely, depressing time of my life. I had never allowed myself to be alone and really face myself without a guy or drugs or friends or something to distract myself. All I had was a radio, my bible and my journal. Everything was coming forth and it took everything in me to not use drugs to cover it up. I didn't though. I would pour my heart out hour after hour to Him. I would listen to sermons on the radio...write in my journal and devour His Word. It was literally life to my bones! He was my manna...the Living Water that left me wanting more and more of Him. I can truly say that it was the most bitter sweet time of my life!!!
I had met a guy named Warren in the strip club who I had been telling about my desire to be closer to God...to leave dancing, etc. He said he was a christian too...after all he had went to a christian school :) He appeared to support me leaving dancing also. He did not do drugs. He was just a good ole' boy who liked his beer :)
My mom and I were fighting constantly. Our last fight turned physical with Warren at our apartment. My mom chased me down and Warren intercepted her.
Warren and I immediately got an apartment together. I quit dancing. He had an extra car so I went job hunting. I worked for a temporary agency for a little bit. I started asking if Warren would go to church with me at a Baptist church right across the street from our apartments. He always had an excuse. I became friends with his best friend's girlfriend, Shawna, who lived in our apartment complex. She went to church with me a few times. It was a gigantic Baptist church. I would go by myself sometimes and just sit in the very back where I would not be discovered and soak in the amazing Truths. It was like water to my thirsty soul. I once had to leave the service twice to go throw up because I had such a bad hangover. I made it thru though :)
Warren started going back to the strip clubs. We were fighting constantly. I would sit up hours at night waiting for him while I would write in my journal and pray and read my bible. I would write things like "God please let Warren marry me so we will not being having sex outside of marriage." Oh God must have thought I was adorable. He had so much more in store for me! A constant thing I would beg God for in my journal entries was for Him to make me a godly friend, and eventually a godly wife and mommy.
I was a bit on the crazy side. I was an emotional wreck. Now that I wasn't using drugs every day lots was coming to the surface. Warren couldn't handle it. He took everything in the apartment (it was all his) and his car and left me there alone after a month.
My friend Shawna got me a job in the mail room of the insurance company she worked for. She drove me back and forth to work. She took me to garage sales and thrift stores to get me furniture and clothes...I had thrown all my skimpy clothes out. After Warren left I would sit in my room and cry for hours. It was the most lonely, depressing time of my life. I had never allowed myself to be alone and really face myself without a guy or drugs or friends or something to distract myself. All I had was a radio, my bible and my journal. Everything was coming forth and it took everything in me to not use drugs to cover it up. I didn't though. I would pour my heart out hour after hour to Him. I would listen to sermons on the radio...write in my journal and devour His Word. It was literally life to my bones! He was my manna...the Living Water that left me wanting more and more of Him. I can truly say that it was the most bitter sweet time of my life!!!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
SORRY!
I know I have left you all hanging way to long!
Life has got in the way. I am going to try and spend some time this evening and write a few posts. I intend on going all the way to where I am now. Thank you for bearing with me.
I want to address two things.
I had someone sweetly approach me because of my last post. It was left in such a way that she assumed I was going to say something negative about the Baptist Church I first attended. I want to assure you all that I have no problem with the Baptist denomination. I in fact had a wonderful experience at the Baptist Church I attended. It was definitely interesting because of me....not because of the people there. I will get to that on the next post.
I am however going to address my issues with the "Word Faith" doctrine that was heavily taught in the second church I attended. I know this may offend some but it is part of my story. The church that taught this false doctrine was a charismatic church. There are lots of wonderful charismatic churches! In fact there were many wonderful people in that church. My problem is not denominational but it is when His Word is misinterpreted and then a false doctrine is taught to an entire congregation as Truth. I desire above all else to see people study His Word for themselves so they will not be lead astray from the Truth. I will write more when I get to that part of the story.
We have an outreach that meets in local bars and clubs that targets those that have been missed by the church. Our purpose is to draw them in...show them an accurate view of God and then get them plugged into a solid, bible teaching church. We refer those that come in to all different denominations of churches that we know have good biblical teaching.
The second thing.
It was brought to my attention that some reading may not have a relationship with Christ. If you are interested in talking with me about how to start your own journey with Him I would love to talk and pray with you. Please contact me at shannacrawford@hotmail.com.
You have no idea what it means to me that you all take the time to read my story and encourage me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the body of Christ!
Life has got in the way. I am going to try and spend some time this evening and write a few posts. I intend on going all the way to where I am now. Thank you for bearing with me.
I want to address two things.
I had someone sweetly approach me because of my last post. It was left in such a way that she assumed I was going to say something negative about the Baptist Church I first attended. I want to assure you all that I have no problem with the Baptist denomination. I in fact had a wonderful experience at the Baptist Church I attended. It was definitely interesting because of me....not because of the people there. I will get to that on the next post.
I am however going to address my issues with the "Word Faith" doctrine that was heavily taught in the second church I attended. I know this may offend some but it is part of my story. The church that taught this false doctrine was a charismatic church. There are lots of wonderful charismatic churches! In fact there were many wonderful people in that church. My problem is not denominational but it is when His Word is misinterpreted and then a false doctrine is taught to an entire congregation as Truth. I desire above all else to see people study His Word for themselves so they will not be lead astray from the Truth. I will write more when I get to that part of the story.
We have an outreach that meets in local bars and clubs that targets those that have been missed by the church. Our purpose is to draw them in...show them an accurate view of God and then get them plugged into a solid, bible teaching church. We refer those that come in to all different denominations of churches that we know have good biblical teaching.
The second thing.
It was brought to my attention that some reading may not have a relationship with Christ. If you are interested in talking with me about how to start your own journey with Him I would love to talk and pray with you. Please contact me at shannacrawford@hotmail.com.
You have no idea what it means to me that you all take the time to read my story and encourage me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the body of Christ!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
My Story - Part 12
I HATED doing drugs at this point. I would BEG God to take them away from me...to remove the craving to do them....whatever He had to do. I desired more than I can describe to live a holy life...it seemed so far out of reach.
This is when things began to calm down for me. I started dancing at a strip club in Ft. Worth but now I hated it. I had such an aversion to dancing. I started seeing it for what it was. When I would go to work I would sit in the dressing room and read my bible. Sometimes I would still do cocaine or meth but I still would sit and read my bible while I was high. I had no desire to do table dances which meant I made barely any money. This didn't go over well with my mom since I was suppose to be helping with the bills. When I did go out of the dressing room into the club I would sit and talk to the customers about God instead of dancing for them.
I had zero confidence that I could do anything else besides strip. I was a high school drop out and had only a few other jobs. I had been dancing since I was 18. What would I put on a resume? I also didn't have a car.
A few things happened. One was that a cab driver that took me home one night and had christian music playing so I asked him if he was a christian. He began talking to me about God. This was extremely encouraging for me. I knew God had sent him to my dark world. He was older and very kind and fatherly...unlike the guys in the clubs.
The next thing that happened is what helped me to finally leave dancing. I had been praying for so long to God to help me have the strength to quit. I knew getting off drugs would be so much easier if they weren't so accessible too. I was on the balcony of mine and my mom's apartment one night crying out to God. I told him that I felt like things were finally coming together. I was going longer periods of time without drugs and going on binges for days less and less. I told Him I felt like my life was like a puzzle that had been dumped out. I felt like He had been putting the pieces together for me. I told Him I felt like there was a piece missing though...so even when the puzzle was put together that piece wouldn't be there.
OK...so the very next night I am at the strip club. As I am dancing on the 5 stages that I would do in a set. I felt naked. I felt embarrassed. This was strange since I had been doing this for so long. I suddenly had the ability to know that these men were lusting after me. I never got this part of it before. I was so focused on the attention I was getting I never took the time to look any deeper. God was supernaturally showing me that I thought I was in control because of my body and the men thought they were in control because of their money...but He showed me that Satan was REALLY the one in control of all of it. I got off my last stage. In this dark, smoky club I see something shimmering underneath one of the tables. I crawl under the table and pick it up and it is a silver cross. It looked like one of those crosses that you put in your pocket with your change. It had no writing on it...just a simple cross. I had a shocked look on my face and a guy walked up to me and asked why I looked like that. I asked him what a cross was doing in a club like this. He took it from me...looked it over...handed it back and said, "It looks like a puzzle piece." I wanted to build an alter right there!
God knew that I needed tangible things to hold onto. That cross was and still is a stone of remembrance for me. I still have it.
I ran back to the dressing room. I couldn't wait to get home to ask Him what all this meant. I was so excited to be with Him and pondered it all over in my mind. When I prayed thru it and read my bible the core of what He showed me was that He did not only come so that I would have salvation. (I was completely saved at this time). He also came to rescue me from my lifestyle of bondage. He died on the cross not only to have the relationship with me that we were already building...but so that I could have an abundant life in Him. There was no abundant life in the strip clubs. This is what it took for me to finally trust Him! This was my missing puzzle piece. It all just clicked!
I pray you see that God was not nearly concerned so much with my life becoming spotless right away as He was with me understanding His character...with me being broken...with me dveloping a deep and intimate relationship with Him thru my brokeness. He was waiting for the right time. He wanted to Rescue me. More importantly He wanted me to KNOW....really KNOW who He was! This season was the most bitter-sweet...the most romantic...the most intimate extended period of my walk. It was so emotionally driven that it is etched in my mind for all of eternity I am sure! I will never forget the pit I was in and how He came into those dark places to seek me out and deliver me! He has never let me go since!
In the next few posts I will talk about a guy I attached myself to, my mom's overdose, my first (Baptist) church experiences, me being baptized and finally me coming back to Oklahoma where a new chapter of my life began...
This is when things began to calm down for me. I started dancing at a strip club in Ft. Worth but now I hated it. I had such an aversion to dancing. I started seeing it for what it was. When I would go to work I would sit in the dressing room and read my bible. Sometimes I would still do cocaine or meth but I still would sit and read my bible while I was high. I had no desire to do table dances which meant I made barely any money. This didn't go over well with my mom since I was suppose to be helping with the bills. When I did go out of the dressing room into the club I would sit and talk to the customers about God instead of dancing for them.
I had zero confidence that I could do anything else besides strip. I was a high school drop out and had only a few other jobs. I had been dancing since I was 18. What would I put on a resume? I also didn't have a car.
A few things happened. One was that a cab driver that took me home one night and had christian music playing so I asked him if he was a christian. He began talking to me about God. This was extremely encouraging for me. I knew God had sent him to my dark world. He was older and very kind and fatherly...unlike the guys in the clubs.
The next thing that happened is what helped me to finally leave dancing. I had been praying for so long to God to help me have the strength to quit. I knew getting off drugs would be so much easier if they weren't so accessible too. I was on the balcony of mine and my mom's apartment one night crying out to God. I told him that I felt like things were finally coming together. I was going longer periods of time without drugs and going on binges for days less and less. I told Him I felt like my life was like a puzzle that had been dumped out. I felt like He had been putting the pieces together for me. I told Him I felt like there was a piece missing though...so even when the puzzle was put together that piece wouldn't be there.
OK...so the very next night I am at the strip club. As I am dancing on the 5 stages that I would do in a set. I felt naked. I felt embarrassed. This was strange since I had been doing this for so long. I suddenly had the ability to know that these men were lusting after me. I never got this part of it before. I was so focused on the attention I was getting I never took the time to look any deeper. God was supernaturally showing me that I thought I was in control because of my body and the men thought they were in control because of their money...but He showed me that Satan was REALLY the one in control of all of it. I got off my last stage. In this dark, smoky club I see something shimmering underneath one of the tables. I crawl under the table and pick it up and it is a silver cross. It looked like one of those crosses that you put in your pocket with your change. It had no writing on it...just a simple cross. I had a shocked look on my face and a guy walked up to me and asked why I looked like that. I asked him what a cross was doing in a club like this. He took it from me...looked it over...handed it back and said, "It looks like a puzzle piece." I wanted to build an alter right there!
God knew that I needed tangible things to hold onto. That cross was and still is a stone of remembrance for me. I still have it.
I ran back to the dressing room. I couldn't wait to get home to ask Him what all this meant. I was so excited to be with Him and pondered it all over in my mind. When I prayed thru it and read my bible the core of what He showed me was that He did not only come so that I would have salvation. (I was completely saved at this time). He also came to rescue me from my lifestyle of bondage. He died on the cross not only to have the relationship with me that we were already building...but so that I could have an abundant life in Him. There was no abundant life in the strip clubs. This is what it took for me to finally trust Him! This was my missing puzzle piece. It all just clicked!
I pray you see that God was not nearly concerned so much with my life becoming spotless right away as He was with me understanding His character...with me being broken...with me dveloping a deep and intimate relationship with Him thru my brokeness. He was waiting for the right time. He wanted to Rescue me. More importantly He wanted me to KNOW....really KNOW who He was! This season was the most bitter-sweet...the most romantic...the most intimate extended period of my walk. It was so emotionally driven that it is etched in my mind for all of eternity I am sure! I will never forget the pit I was in and how He came into those dark places to seek me out and deliver me! He has never let me go since!
In the next few posts I will talk about a guy I attached myself to, my mom's overdose, my first (Baptist) church experiences, me being baptized and finally me coming back to Oklahoma where a new chapter of my life began...
My Story - Part 11
I am sorry for the extended break. Me and the boys were sick and could not get over it. I am back on track now and ready to finish strong :)
So I am 21 and have surrendered my life to Christ. WOO-HOO!
In the meantime back home my mom is smoking cocaine and her addiction is out of control. She is hiding it from Kenny, which is somewhat easy since he was on the road quite a bit.
I am trying to quit using and though I make it days at a time...my effort is not enough. I had far too much shame to go to church. I started keeping journals with pages and pages of letters to God.
I ended up losing my apartment and my car. I wound up staying with all sorts of random people in Dallas that I met thru stripping and clubbing. I was like a nomad roaming around. I had no permanent residence. I would stay with someone and they would realize how messed up I was and kick me out. I also was taking such poor care of myself. I was going days each week with little food and sleep because of the drugs I was doing. I was now smoking meth. I would get high and talk to people about God. Not the best way to do it, I know :) My spirit was willing but my flesh was EXTREMELY weak.
I remember that Christmas my mom had Kenny try to come find me at some of the strip clubs in Dallas. I would call her when I was high and talk gibberish and she knew I was not doing good. That Christmas she ended up getting ahold of me and I spent the holidays in bed because I was so sick. When I got well I was right back at it.
I got word during that time that Vicky had overdosed. (Vicky is an older lady I do coke with and she would talk to me about God that I mentioned in a previous post.) This really made me realize what games I was playing with God.
The closest thing I had to a christian friend during that time was a girl I danced with who's dad use to be a preacher. I had no fellowship. I just had my bible and my journal. I still was not broken enough. The difference now that I was saved was that there was an extreme conviction. A longing for the things of God and a great sorrow that I was missing the mark by so much.
Kenny found out that my mom was doing drugs and told her to go to rehab or he was divorcing her. She wouldn't go. She stayed with her dealer for awhile and Kenny took Steven to my mammaw's to live. Kenny had nothing to do with Steven for years and years after that. Kenny divorced my mom. My mom finally came to Texas to live. My mom, Steven and me lived together for a short time in Fort Worth. My poor brother. He was 13 and suddenly had his normal life stripped from him and he was living with his strung out mom and sister!
My mom and I did not do well living together. I felt like I was a burden to her. We fought more wildly than ever. She had so much pent up anger. My emotional growth was stunted from all of the drugs. I was flat lined when I was using and all over the place when I wasn't. We clashed in the worst way....
So I am 21 and have surrendered my life to Christ. WOO-HOO!
In the meantime back home my mom is smoking cocaine and her addiction is out of control. She is hiding it from Kenny, which is somewhat easy since he was on the road quite a bit.
I am trying to quit using and though I make it days at a time...my effort is not enough. I had far too much shame to go to church. I started keeping journals with pages and pages of letters to God.
I ended up losing my apartment and my car. I wound up staying with all sorts of random people in Dallas that I met thru stripping and clubbing. I was like a nomad roaming around. I had no permanent residence. I would stay with someone and they would realize how messed up I was and kick me out. I also was taking such poor care of myself. I was going days each week with little food and sleep because of the drugs I was doing. I was now smoking meth. I would get high and talk to people about God. Not the best way to do it, I know :) My spirit was willing but my flesh was EXTREMELY weak.
I remember that Christmas my mom had Kenny try to come find me at some of the strip clubs in Dallas. I would call her when I was high and talk gibberish and she knew I was not doing good. That Christmas she ended up getting ahold of me and I spent the holidays in bed because I was so sick. When I got well I was right back at it.
I got word during that time that Vicky had overdosed. (Vicky is an older lady I do coke with and she would talk to me about God that I mentioned in a previous post.) This really made me realize what games I was playing with God.
The closest thing I had to a christian friend during that time was a girl I danced with who's dad use to be a preacher. I had no fellowship. I just had my bible and my journal. I still was not broken enough. The difference now that I was saved was that there was an extreme conviction. A longing for the things of God and a great sorrow that I was missing the mark by so much.
Kenny found out that my mom was doing drugs and told her to go to rehab or he was divorcing her. She wouldn't go. She stayed with her dealer for awhile and Kenny took Steven to my mammaw's to live. Kenny had nothing to do with Steven for years and years after that. Kenny divorced my mom. My mom finally came to Texas to live. My mom, Steven and me lived together for a short time in Fort Worth. My poor brother. He was 13 and suddenly had his normal life stripped from him and he was living with his strung out mom and sister!
My mom and I did not do well living together. I felt like I was a burden to her. We fought more wildly than ever. She had so much pent up anger. My emotional growth was stunted from all of the drugs. I was flat lined when I was using and all over the place when I wasn't. We clashed in the worst way....
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
My Story - Part 10 THE BEST PART!
I get to Ft. Worth. My mammaw's husband Don is staying at their lake house because they are separated. I got settled in and started dancing at a topless club in Ft. Worth during the day. My mammaw takes me to work on her lunch breaks and comes to get me after she gets off work. I did OK for a bit.
A few weeks and I had met a guy that worked at the tanning salon I went to. His name was Billy. We ended up together right away. At this point I had only had a few actual boyfriends...remember...guys just wanted to sleep with me. Well, I had put an end to this with the help of cocaine.
Billy smoked pot and drank. He wanted nothing to do with hard drugs though. This was fine with me. He filled my void for a short time so that I didn't feel like I needed to use cocaine.
I ended up moving in with him. Soon I was introduced to meth by one of the girls at the club. I found out it was cheaper and lasted longer. I was able to hide it from Billy for awhile. When I started not being able to sleep at night and having erratic behavior he started getting suspicious. Eventually one of his friends told him. He broke up with me. This sent me into an emotional tailspin. The only way I could cope was by using more.
I was introduced to a lady named Vicky thru Billy. Vicky was his brother's girlfriend's mom. I started doing cocaine with her but she would read the bible and talk to me about God while we did cocaine together. I would have really weird things happen to me. I would hear things in music like demons talking to me...trying to discourage me. I would see weird things on TV. Of course I was going days without food or sleep and only drugs in my body so you can imagine how given over my mind was.
I ended up getting an apartment on my own and getting a car. My using was getting out of control again. I was going to Dallas to dance some. I would end up staying up for days and not even being able to work because I was so strung out. I was down to 95 ponds and looked terrible. (This is about 25 pounds less than what I weigh now.)
I finally stared to read my bible. When I was on drugs I would read all kinds of things that weren't really in there. Things like...GO TO SLEEP. LOL! Really. It is amazing the things that go on when your mind is given over to so many drugs, the things you will see and experience. I know that there was also a great deal of spiritual warfare going on too.
When these things would happen I would make myself go a few days without using so I could read the bible sober. I had a knowing on the inside that the only real truth was found in the bible. Everyone and everything else had let me down. I knew the answers were in there and I was going to find them.
I finally went to a lady at my mammaw's work who was a known christian. I told her about all the crazy things I was experiencing. I asked her if she knew something I could do to get the demonic stuff to stop. I think I freaked her out :) She asked her pastor and told me a few days later to start filling my mind with spiritual things. She gave me a list of the local christian radio stations. (God was tricking me:))
I started listening to christian music and reading a King James bible. Oh how I wish God would have had someone at least give me a NIV :) The crazy spiritual stuff started happening even more...but I was making it days without drugs. I even tried to quit dancing and work at my mammaw's job as a receptionist. That only lasted a few weeks. It was a few weeks that I got to talk to the lady that was a christian though :)
One night I had been on a few day binge. I was at my apartment and it was full of people that I didn't know. Somehow over the course of partying people kept getting invited over to my apartment. Everyone was doing drugs. Something just came over me. I realized that I didn't have people in my life that cared about me...and I didn't REALLY care about people either. I knew I needed love in my life. It was the thing I was always missing. No matter how much I tried to manage my own life...no matter how many drugs I took....no matter how much attention I got from guys...no matter how much money I made...it didn't infuse love into my life.
I left my my apartment with everyone there. My mammaw was out of town. I drove to her house. I needed to be alone. I went inside and got in her bed. I needed to feel clean. I put on a christian tv station. There was a very lively televangelist talking about how he used to be in a rock band and use to do cocaine. I have no memory of his message. The next thing I remember was him giving an offer for salvation and me praying...and not just praying...really surrendering and meaning it more than I had ever meant anything in my life!
For the next several days I prayed that same prayer over and over...I wanted to make sure it stuck! I had no funny feelings. I had no emotional experience. I know some of you who know how emotional I am are shocked :)
I want to add a disclaimer....I completely disagree with the teachings of the televangelist that I watched that night. He is on TBN today still. BUT...God is not limited. He will use a donkey if He has to. He used that guy as a guide to show me how to pray. I needed a tangible thing to hold onto. This plays an important role later on when I talk about the beginnings of my christian journey.
From 21 to 22 I continued to dance and use drugs. God eventually delivered me from this lifestyle and I never turned back. I will talk in the next few posts about that year and bring you up to speed with my mom's situation during this time.
I will say this. I know that very moment I was saved...sealed with the holy spirit unto the day of redemption. You certainly wouldn't have looked at the externals of my life for the next year and been able to have identified me as a christian. You probably would have thought I was a lunatic that needed to be locked up :) Although things were changing slowly on the outside of my life...they were changing rapidly on the inside of me.
OH HOW I LOVE HIM! May my life always be a living sacrifice. May I never forget the pit He rescued me from. May I spend all of my days thanking Him and serving Him. May I spend my entire life on sharing His love with a lost and hurting world!
A few weeks and I had met a guy that worked at the tanning salon I went to. His name was Billy. We ended up together right away. At this point I had only had a few actual boyfriends...remember...guys just wanted to sleep with me. Well, I had put an end to this with the help of cocaine.
Billy smoked pot and drank. He wanted nothing to do with hard drugs though. This was fine with me. He filled my void for a short time so that I didn't feel like I needed to use cocaine.
I ended up moving in with him. Soon I was introduced to meth by one of the girls at the club. I found out it was cheaper and lasted longer. I was able to hide it from Billy for awhile. When I started not being able to sleep at night and having erratic behavior he started getting suspicious. Eventually one of his friends told him. He broke up with me. This sent me into an emotional tailspin. The only way I could cope was by using more.
I was introduced to a lady named Vicky thru Billy. Vicky was his brother's girlfriend's mom. I started doing cocaine with her but she would read the bible and talk to me about God while we did cocaine together. I would have really weird things happen to me. I would hear things in music like demons talking to me...trying to discourage me. I would see weird things on TV. Of course I was going days without food or sleep and only drugs in my body so you can imagine how given over my mind was.
I ended up getting an apartment on my own and getting a car. My using was getting out of control again. I was going to Dallas to dance some. I would end up staying up for days and not even being able to work because I was so strung out. I was down to 95 ponds and looked terrible. (This is about 25 pounds less than what I weigh now.)
I finally stared to read my bible. When I was on drugs I would read all kinds of things that weren't really in there. Things like...GO TO SLEEP. LOL! Really. It is amazing the things that go on when your mind is given over to so many drugs, the things you will see and experience. I know that there was also a great deal of spiritual warfare going on too.
When these things would happen I would make myself go a few days without using so I could read the bible sober. I had a knowing on the inside that the only real truth was found in the bible. Everyone and everything else had let me down. I knew the answers were in there and I was going to find them.
I finally went to a lady at my mammaw's work who was a known christian. I told her about all the crazy things I was experiencing. I asked her if she knew something I could do to get the demonic stuff to stop. I think I freaked her out :) She asked her pastor and told me a few days later to start filling my mind with spiritual things. She gave me a list of the local christian radio stations. (God was tricking me:))
I started listening to christian music and reading a King James bible. Oh how I wish God would have had someone at least give me a NIV :) The crazy spiritual stuff started happening even more...but I was making it days without drugs. I even tried to quit dancing and work at my mammaw's job as a receptionist. That only lasted a few weeks. It was a few weeks that I got to talk to the lady that was a christian though :)
One night I had been on a few day binge. I was at my apartment and it was full of people that I didn't know. Somehow over the course of partying people kept getting invited over to my apartment. Everyone was doing drugs. Something just came over me. I realized that I didn't have people in my life that cared about me...and I didn't REALLY care about people either. I knew I needed love in my life. It was the thing I was always missing. No matter how much I tried to manage my own life...no matter how many drugs I took....no matter how much attention I got from guys...no matter how much money I made...it didn't infuse love into my life.
I left my my apartment with everyone there. My mammaw was out of town. I drove to her house. I needed to be alone. I went inside and got in her bed. I needed to feel clean. I put on a christian tv station. There was a very lively televangelist talking about how he used to be in a rock band and use to do cocaine. I have no memory of his message. The next thing I remember was him giving an offer for salvation and me praying...and not just praying...really surrendering and meaning it more than I had ever meant anything in my life!
For the next several days I prayed that same prayer over and over...I wanted to make sure it stuck! I had no funny feelings. I had no emotional experience. I know some of you who know how emotional I am are shocked :)
I want to add a disclaimer....I completely disagree with the teachings of the televangelist that I watched that night. He is on TBN today still. BUT...God is not limited. He will use a donkey if He has to. He used that guy as a guide to show me how to pray. I needed a tangible thing to hold onto. This plays an important role later on when I talk about the beginnings of my christian journey.
From 21 to 22 I continued to dance and use drugs. God eventually delivered me from this lifestyle and I never turned back. I will talk in the next few posts about that year and bring you up to speed with my mom's situation during this time.
I will say this. I know that very moment I was saved...sealed with the holy spirit unto the day of redemption. You certainly wouldn't have looked at the externals of my life for the next year and been able to have identified me as a christian. You probably would have thought I was a lunatic that needed to be locked up :) Although things were changing slowly on the outside of my life...they were changing rapidly on the inside of me.
OH HOW I LOVE HIM! May my life always be a living sacrifice. May I never forget the pit He rescued me from. May I spend all of my days thanking Him and serving Him. May I spend my entire life on sharing His love with a lost and hurting world!
Another Quick Pause
Honestly, I am so ready to blog about normal stuff. It is taxing to write all these things down. I feel like He asked me to do it...so I am obeying despite my feelings. BUT...I have to tell you all something.
As you have been reading about me giving myself to all these guys that could have cared less about me. Let me tell you about the husband that God gave me.
We got into an argument a few mornings ago. Want to know what about? Worship. Yes...worship! We were both going to be getting ready at the same time. We both love to listen to worship while we get ready. We got into an argument over who was going to get to listen to my ipod with all the best worship music on it. Jerome finally gave me a hug and said, "Shanna we can't do this. Worship is the number 3 reason marriages end in divorce. 1 is sex, 2 is money and 3 is worship." We both just laughed. And then we fought over who wasn't going to get the ipod because we each wanted the other to have it. I ended up getting the ipod and he got a cd player from the boys' room.
It was such a sweet reminder of all that God has done for me. He has given me a new name...a new life...and I deserve none of it!
Moving on to Part 10....when I got saved...FINALLY...the best part!
As you have been reading about me giving myself to all these guys that could have cared less about me. Let me tell you about the husband that God gave me.
We got into an argument a few mornings ago. Want to know what about? Worship. Yes...worship! We were both going to be getting ready at the same time. We both love to listen to worship while we get ready. We got into an argument over who was going to get to listen to my ipod with all the best worship music on it. Jerome finally gave me a hug and said, "Shanna we can't do this. Worship is the number 3 reason marriages end in divorce. 1 is sex, 2 is money and 3 is worship." We both just laughed. And then we fought over who wasn't going to get the ipod because we each wanted the other to have it. I ended up getting the ipod and he got a cd player from the boys' room.
It was such a sweet reminder of all that God has done for me. He has given me a new name...a new life...and I deserve none of it!
Moving on to Part 10....when I got saved...FINALLY...the best part!
My Story - Part 9
I am sooooooo sorry to leave you all hanging. I have been sick...SICK the last few days. I was determined tonight no matter how I felt to press on...so here goes....
I got my 3 friends from High School to join me. We started doing drugs like ecstasy and smoking pot on occasion. I was drinking a lot! When I would drink until I was miserable the next day I would tell myself I was going to quit...but it wold usually only last a few days. I was sleeping around still quite a bit.
I lived in an apartment by myself and seemed to be managing OK. I would still have the times occasionally where I would face myself and feel shame and want it all to change. I just pushed past the feelings.
I only remember praying at this point on every now and then.
I started going to Dallas to dance at topless clubs there on occasion. I made more money at those clubs and they had a classy feel to them. I just wanted to feel better about what I was doing.
I was back in contact with my mom. She was living a normal life and now I was living her old one. I had minimal contact with my dad. He had married and had 2 little girls.
Finally at age 20 I did my first line of cocaine. I was hooked. One of my friends got a boyfriend who sold cocaine so it was very accessible. I started doing coke every single day. It got to the point where I was using it on a regular basis just to get thru the day. Sometimes on the weekends I would stay up all weekend and party using cocaine and other drugs.
At first when I would come down I would get terribly depressed and I would pray and tell myself I was never going to use drugs again. The problem was that this was the first thing that seemed make me feel in complete control. I quit sleeping with guys. I started calling the shots. I felt secure and invincible. It was the answer that I thought I was looking for.
Several things happened in a short period of time. I watched 2 friends go into a seizure at 2 different times because of the drugs we were doing. One ended up in the hospital for a few days.
I had another friend wreck my car. She was driving and I was with her. We were on lots of drugs and going to a party. I still to this day do not remember what happened. I just remember that we both got out of the passenger side because the driver side door wouldn't open. We got in the car with some people following us and went to a party. A few days later I realized I didn't have my car. We couldn't even remember what happened or where to look for it. I eventually found it at a tow service and it was totaled. I had let my insurance lapse and it was in my dad's name. Needles to say he was not happy and we went a few more years without talking.
The wreck caused a big fight between my friend and I. We danced together and so she told the owner of the club I was using. Because he "cared" about me he had me start taking urine drug tests a few times a week to make sure I stayed clean.
During this season I called my mom one morning when I was coming down and asked her to come get me. I told her everything. I told her I needed help because I couldn't stop and it was scaring me. She came and got me and let me come and stay with her and Kenny. (Kenny was on the road a lot during this time. He was a truck driver on the side.)
A few mornings into my stay we ended us doing cocaine together at her kitchen table. She told me she had started using again. She had joined a bowling league with her neighbors and they would do cocaine as a fun addition to their bowling night. My mom was hooked again after several years of being clean. Her normal life was about to go down the drain...along with my brother's too.
Within a few weeks I had asked my mammaw if I could come live with her. I thought if I moved to Texas I could dance at a topless club in Forth Worth near where she lived. I could dance during the day so there wouldn't be as many drugs and get back on track.
The weekend my mammaw came to follow me and my uhaul back to her house in Texas was quite an adventure. Kenny was out of town. My mom told me that her and my mammaw wanted to go in half on an 8 ball of cocaine. She asked me if they could give me their money and have me get it from my dealer. (My mom was 36 at this point and my mammaw was 52.) My mom and I started doing the cocaine from the 8 ball before my mammaw got there that morning. Since I had a scheduled urine test I had my mammaw pee in a cup for me before she did her first line so I would have clean urine to take to my test. (I am just giving you these details because they are interesting :)) My uncle Ronnie...my mom's little brother, my mammaw, my mom and I all ended up doing cocaine together that weekend. I finally ended up heading to Texas with no sleep driving my uhaul full of my belongings to start a new life in Ft. Worth, Texas.
WOW...are you guys overwhelmed...cuz I am! It is so odd writing these things down. It is like telling a story about someone else.
It gets worse before it gets better, right? Moving right along to 21....the moment that God was waiting for!
I got my 3 friends from High School to join me. We started doing drugs like ecstasy and smoking pot on occasion. I was drinking a lot! When I would drink until I was miserable the next day I would tell myself I was going to quit...but it wold usually only last a few days. I was sleeping around still quite a bit.
I lived in an apartment by myself and seemed to be managing OK. I would still have the times occasionally where I would face myself and feel shame and want it all to change. I just pushed past the feelings.
I only remember praying at this point on every now and then.
I started going to Dallas to dance at topless clubs there on occasion. I made more money at those clubs and they had a classy feel to them. I just wanted to feel better about what I was doing.
I was back in contact with my mom. She was living a normal life and now I was living her old one. I had minimal contact with my dad. He had married and had 2 little girls.
Finally at age 20 I did my first line of cocaine. I was hooked. One of my friends got a boyfriend who sold cocaine so it was very accessible. I started doing coke every single day. It got to the point where I was using it on a regular basis just to get thru the day. Sometimes on the weekends I would stay up all weekend and party using cocaine and other drugs.
At first when I would come down I would get terribly depressed and I would pray and tell myself I was never going to use drugs again. The problem was that this was the first thing that seemed make me feel in complete control. I quit sleeping with guys. I started calling the shots. I felt secure and invincible. It was the answer that I thought I was looking for.
Several things happened in a short period of time. I watched 2 friends go into a seizure at 2 different times because of the drugs we were doing. One ended up in the hospital for a few days.
I had another friend wreck my car. She was driving and I was with her. We were on lots of drugs and going to a party. I still to this day do not remember what happened. I just remember that we both got out of the passenger side because the driver side door wouldn't open. We got in the car with some people following us and went to a party. A few days later I realized I didn't have my car. We couldn't even remember what happened or where to look for it. I eventually found it at a tow service and it was totaled. I had let my insurance lapse and it was in my dad's name. Needles to say he was not happy and we went a few more years without talking.
The wreck caused a big fight between my friend and I. We danced together and so she told the owner of the club I was using. Because he "cared" about me he had me start taking urine drug tests a few times a week to make sure I stayed clean.
During this season I called my mom one morning when I was coming down and asked her to come get me. I told her everything. I told her I needed help because I couldn't stop and it was scaring me. She came and got me and let me come and stay with her and Kenny. (Kenny was on the road a lot during this time. He was a truck driver on the side.)
A few mornings into my stay we ended us doing cocaine together at her kitchen table. She told me she had started using again. She had joined a bowling league with her neighbors and they would do cocaine as a fun addition to their bowling night. My mom was hooked again after several years of being clean. Her normal life was about to go down the drain...along with my brother's too.
Within a few weeks I had asked my mammaw if I could come live with her. I thought if I moved to Texas I could dance at a topless club in Forth Worth near where she lived. I could dance during the day so there wouldn't be as many drugs and get back on track.
The weekend my mammaw came to follow me and my uhaul back to her house in Texas was quite an adventure. Kenny was out of town. My mom told me that her and my mammaw wanted to go in half on an 8 ball of cocaine. She asked me if they could give me their money and have me get it from my dealer. (My mom was 36 at this point and my mammaw was 52.) My mom and I started doing the cocaine from the 8 ball before my mammaw got there that morning. Since I had a scheduled urine test I had my mammaw pee in a cup for me before she did her first line so I would have clean urine to take to my test. (I am just giving you these details because they are interesting :)) My uncle Ronnie...my mom's little brother, my mammaw, my mom and I all ended up doing cocaine together that weekend. I finally ended up heading to Texas with no sleep driving my uhaul full of my belongings to start a new life in Ft. Worth, Texas.
WOW...are you guys overwhelmed...cuz I am! It is so odd writing these things down. It is like telling a story about someone else.
It gets worse before it gets better, right? Moving right along to 21....the moment that God was waiting for!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
My Story - Part 8
Today's post is long since I didn't post Friday on my computer fast day...or Saturday. Consider it 2 posts in one :)
I didn't stay in my apartment long. I broke my lease. This really made Kenny mad. It affected my mom's credit. He did not want her having any communication with me. My mom and I went a year without talking. I was so self focused at this point that it didn't bother me that much.
I had made Arthur, the 21 year old guy who was my boyfriend my god. I had never had a dad that was consistently involved and so you can imagine how needy I was. He had an ex-girlfriend and they had a baby together so there was always lots of drama. She hated me and would threaten me and attack me physically when she would see me out. (She eventually became a christian and asked for my forgiveness a few years ago...God is so good). We would go to clubs and drink together. We would cheat on each other. It was so dysfunctional. I was addicted to the dysfunction of it...the fighting and the making up. I wanted so badly to get what I needed from this relationship. It just left me feeling more empty. When we would break up I would literally feel like I was going to die. I once TRIED to commit suicide by taking a bottle of Tylenol and had to go to the ER to get my stomach pumped. I remember them having to call my mom because I was a minor. She didn't come to the hospital.
I also tried to get what I needed from friendships. I never wanted to be alone very long. I was constantly with someone so I wouldn't get bored and have to face the emptiness on the inside.
I reconnected with my dad and asked him to co-sign for me an apartment...and a few months after a car. He did. Me and Arthur lived in the apartment. I tried working at some telemarketing companies. We eventually broke up for good and I was on my own.
I finally got a job at a car dealership and worked my way all the way up to receptionist :) I could not pay my bills. I moved in with my mammaw's husband's ex- step daughter. (Whew...that was a lot). She was 5 years older than me and VERY sweet. I think she felt sorry for me.
I was more promiscuous than ever. I wanted so badly to have someone love me. I was using sex to get love but instead I was just building a reputation amongst the guys that went to the clubs I hung out at. I had the same problem I did in high school. No one wanted to actually be my boyfriend. Why did they have to when I would just sleep with them. I was going out constantly...drinking several nights a week. I was always getting in fights with my friends and living in constant chaos.
My sweet roommate finally couldn't handle my chaotic lifestyle anymore and moved out.
I had just turned 18 and was struggling to pay my bills. I was so ashamed of myself for sleeping around so much. I had no relationship with anyone in my family except my mammaw who was in Texas. My life was out of control. I remember being in my room one night...alone...which didn't happen much. I remember thinking I needed to start going to church and to give my life over to God. I weighed it out in my mind and decided against it. I decided that I wasn't ready to give up going out, drinking, guys. It was too overwhelming for me to stop doing those things...they were my comfort...my dysfunctional community...my crutch. I decided instead to try to manage my own life.
(This is when my decent into the pit accelerated like never before. I know now that God was pulling back His hand to a certain extent to let me indulge in my flesh so that I would quickly come to the end of myself and come to Him....it worked!).
I just needed more money...then I would be OK. Since the only thing of worth I thought I had was my sexuality I decided to use it to make money. After all...this is the only thing men ever wanted from me from a little girl on...I might as well get paid for it.
Shortly after my 18th birthday I went to Cover Girls, a topless club in OKC and applied to be an "exotic dancer." I was so nervous. I auditioned that day and started that night. I hated the way it made me feel at first. The first night I was too scared to do many "table dances." ( A table dance is where you dance in front of a guy sitting in a chair for one song. I explain because I thought before I started stripping that you literally danced on the table :) ) I still made $75...enough to pay my electric bill and it was enough to bring me back the next night. I drank every night at work and soon grew to love the attention that I got from the men. I seemed to have power over men in this environment...instead of them having power over me. Since I was so insecure...this seemed to be the antidote to my insecurity that I had been looking for. I had soon had plenty of money and attention...still no love....but I was managing better than before. I fooled myself into thinking it was just a job. During the evening at the club I was Mariah (my stage name)...during the day I was Shanna. I noticed that first year that some of the girls were strung out on drugs....I had no intention of becoming addicted to drugs. I had always despised this about my mom. I noticed that some of the girls took their dancing too far...they would let guys touch them...or even do private dances at parties or hotel rooms. I could never cross these lines. I always felt like I was better than they were because of this...I know now I wasn't. I am sure that it was God who kept me from crossing certain lines...that can be the only explanation.
A few months into dancing I got my 3 closest friends from High School to come join me. This turned into a few years of hell...
I will talk tomorrow about drugs being introduced into my life and my cocaine addiction. I am almost to age 21 when I got saved! You all have been so kind to stick this out with me...
I didn't stay in my apartment long. I broke my lease. This really made Kenny mad. It affected my mom's credit. He did not want her having any communication with me. My mom and I went a year without talking. I was so self focused at this point that it didn't bother me that much.
I had made Arthur, the 21 year old guy who was my boyfriend my god. I had never had a dad that was consistently involved and so you can imagine how needy I was. He had an ex-girlfriend and they had a baby together so there was always lots of drama. She hated me and would threaten me and attack me physically when she would see me out. (She eventually became a christian and asked for my forgiveness a few years ago...God is so good). We would go to clubs and drink together. We would cheat on each other. It was so dysfunctional. I was addicted to the dysfunction of it...the fighting and the making up. I wanted so badly to get what I needed from this relationship. It just left me feeling more empty. When we would break up I would literally feel like I was going to die. I once TRIED to commit suicide by taking a bottle of Tylenol and had to go to the ER to get my stomach pumped. I remember them having to call my mom because I was a minor. She didn't come to the hospital.
I also tried to get what I needed from friendships. I never wanted to be alone very long. I was constantly with someone so I wouldn't get bored and have to face the emptiness on the inside.
I reconnected with my dad and asked him to co-sign for me an apartment...and a few months after a car. He did. Me and Arthur lived in the apartment. I tried working at some telemarketing companies. We eventually broke up for good and I was on my own.
I finally got a job at a car dealership and worked my way all the way up to receptionist :) I could not pay my bills. I moved in with my mammaw's husband's ex- step daughter. (Whew...that was a lot). She was 5 years older than me and VERY sweet. I think she felt sorry for me.
I was more promiscuous than ever. I wanted so badly to have someone love me. I was using sex to get love but instead I was just building a reputation amongst the guys that went to the clubs I hung out at. I had the same problem I did in high school. No one wanted to actually be my boyfriend. Why did they have to when I would just sleep with them. I was going out constantly...drinking several nights a week. I was always getting in fights with my friends and living in constant chaos.
My sweet roommate finally couldn't handle my chaotic lifestyle anymore and moved out.
I had just turned 18 and was struggling to pay my bills. I was so ashamed of myself for sleeping around so much. I had no relationship with anyone in my family except my mammaw who was in Texas. My life was out of control. I remember being in my room one night...alone...which didn't happen much. I remember thinking I needed to start going to church and to give my life over to God. I weighed it out in my mind and decided against it. I decided that I wasn't ready to give up going out, drinking, guys. It was too overwhelming for me to stop doing those things...they were my comfort...my dysfunctional community...my crutch. I decided instead to try to manage my own life.
(This is when my decent into the pit accelerated like never before. I know now that God was pulling back His hand to a certain extent to let me indulge in my flesh so that I would quickly come to the end of myself and come to Him....it worked!).
I just needed more money...then I would be OK. Since the only thing of worth I thought I had was my sexuality I decided to use it to make money. After all...this is the only thing men ever wanted from me from a little girl on...I might as well get paid for it.
Shortly after my 18th birthday I went to Cover Girls, a topless club in OKC and applied to be an "exotic dancer." I was so nervous. I auditioned that day and started that night. I hated the way it made me feel at first. The first night I was too scared to do many "table dances." ( A table dance is where you dance in front of a guy sitting in a chair for one song. I explain because I thought before I started stripping that you literally danced on the table :) ) I still made $75...enough to pay my electric bill and it was enough to bring me back the next night. I drank every night at work and soon grew to love the attention that I got from the men. I seemed to have power over men in this environment...instead of them having power over me. Since I was so insecure...this seemed to be the antidote to my insecurity that I had been looking for. I had soon had plenty of money and attention...still no love....but I was managing better than before. I fooled myself into thinking it was just a job. During the evening at the club I was Mariah (my stage name)...during the day I was Shanna. I noticed that first year that some of the girls were strung out on drugs....I had no intention of becoming addicted to drugs. I had always despised this about my mom. I noticed that some of the girls took their dancing too far...they would let guys touch them...or even do private dances at parties or hotel rooms. I could never cross these lines. I always felt like I was better than they were because of this...I know now I wasn't. I am sure that it was God who kept me from crossing certain lines...that can be the only explanation.
A few months into dancing I got my 3 closest friends from High School to come join me. This turned into a few years of hell...
I will talk tomorrow about drugs being introduced into my life and my cocaine addiction. I am almost to age 21 when I got saved! You all have been so kind to stick this out with me...
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