My Story - Part 10 THE BEST PART!

I get to Ft. Worth. My mammaw's husband Don is staying at their lake house because they are separated. I got settled in and started dancing at a topless club in Ft. Worth during the day. My mammaw takes me to work on her lunch breaks and comes to get me after she gets off work. I did OK for a bit.

A few weeks and I had met a guy that worked at the tanning salon I went to. His name was Billy. We ended up together right away. At this point I had only had a few actual boyfriends...remember...guys just wanted to sleep with me. Well, I had put an end to this with the help of cocaine.

Billy smoked pot and drank. He wanted nothing to do with hard drugs though. This was fine with me. He filled my void for a short time so that I didn't feel like I needed to use cocaine.

I ended up moving in with him. Soon I was introduced to meth by one of the girls at the club. I found out it was cheaper and lasted longer. I was able to hide it from Billy for awhile. When I started not being able to sleep at night and having erratic behavior he started getting suspicious. Eventually one of his friends told him. He broke up with me. This sent me into an emotional tailspin. The only way I could cope was by using more.

I was introduced to a lady named Vicky thru Billy. Vicky was his brother's girlfriend's mom. I started doing cocaine with her but she would read the bible and talk to me about God while we did cocaine together. I would have really weird things happen to me. I would hear things in music like demons talking to me...trying to discourage me. I would see weird things on TV. Of course I was going days without food or sleep and only drugs in my body so you can imagine how given over my mind was.

I ended up getting an apartment on my own and getting a car. My using was getting out of control again. I was going to Dallas to dance some. I would end up staying up for days and not even being able to work because I was so strung out. I was down to 95 ponds and looked terrible. (This is about 25 pounds less than what I weigh now.)

I finally stared to read my bible. When I was on drugs I would read all kinds of things that weren't really in there. Things like...GO TO SLEEP. LOL! Really. It is amazing the things that go on when your mind is given over to so many drugs, the things you will see and experience. I know that there was also a great deal of spiritual warfare going on too.

When these things would happen I would make myself go a few days without using so I could read the bible sober. I had a knowing on the inside that the only real truth was found in the bible. Everyone and everything else had let me down. I knew the answers were in there and I was going to find them.

I finally went to a lady at my mammaw's work who was a known christian. I told her about all the crazy things I was experiencing. I asked her if she knew something I could do to get the demonic stuff to stop. I think I freaked her out :) She asked her pastor and told me a few days later to start filling my mind with spiritual things. She gave me a list of the local christian radio stations. (God was tricking me:))

I started listening to christian music and reading a King James bible. Oh how I wish God would have had someone at least give me a NIV :) The crazy spiritual stuff started happening even more...but I was making it days without drugs. I even tried to quit dancing and work at my mammaw's job as a receptionist. That only lasted a few weeks. It was a few weeks that I got to talk to the lady that was a christian though :)

One night I had been on a few day binge. I was at my apartment and it was full of people that I didn't know. Somehow over the course of partying people kept getting invited over to my apartment. Everyone was doing drugs. Something just came over me. I realized that I didn't have people in my life that cared about me...and I didn't REALLY care about people either. I knew I needed love in my life. It was the thing I was always missing. No matter how much I tried to manage my own life...no matter how many drugs I took....no matter how much attention I got from guys...no matter how much money I made...it didn't infuse love into my life.

I left my my apartment with everyone there. My mammaw was out of town. I drove to her house. I needed to be alone. I went inside and got in her bed. I needed to feel clean. I put on a christian tv station. There was a very lively televangelist talking about how he used to be in a rock band and use to do cocaine. I have no memory of his message. The next thing I remember was him giving an offer for salvation and me praying...and not just praying...really surrendering and meaning it more than I had ever meant anything in my life!

For the next several days I prayed that same prayer over and over...I wanted to make sure it stuck! I had no funny feelings. I had no emotional experience. I know some of you who know how emotional I am are shocked :)

I want to add a disclaimer....I completely disagree with the teachings of the televangelist that I watched that night. He is on TBN today still. BUT...God is not limited. He will use a donkey if He has to. He used that guy as a guide to show me how to pray. I needed a tangible thing to hold onto. This plays an important role later on when I talk about the beginnings of my christian journey.

From 21 to 22 I continued to dance and use drugs. God eventually delivered me from this lifestyle and I never turned back. I will talk in the next few posts about that year and bring you up to speed with my mom's situation during this time.

I will say this. I know that very moment I was saved...sealed with the holy spirit unto the day of redemption. You certainly wouldn't have looked at the externals of my life for the next year and been able to have identified me as a christian. You probably would have thought I was a lunatic that needed to be locked up :) Although things were changing slowly on the outside of my life...they were changing rapidly on the inside of me.

OH HOW I LOVE HIM! May my life always be a living sacrifice. May I never forget the pit He rescued me from. May I spend all of my days thanking Him and serving Him. May I spend my entire life on sharing His love with a lost and hurting world!