My Story - Part 11

I am sorry for the extended break. Me and the boys were sick and could not get over it. I am back on track now and ready to finish strong :)

So I am 21 and have surrendered my life to Christ. WOO-HOO!

In the meantime back home my mom is smoking cocaine and her addiction is out of control. She is hiding it from Kenny, which is somewhat easy since he was on the road quite a bit.

I am trying to quit using and though I make it days at a time...my effort is not enough. I had far too much shame to go to church. I started keeping journals with pages and pages of letters to God.

I ended up losing my apartment and my car. I wound up staying with all sorts of random people in Dallas that I met thru stripping and clubbing. I was like a nomad roaming around. I had no permanent residence. I would stay with someone and they would realize how messed up I was and kick me out. I also was taking such poor care of myself. I was going days each week with little food and sleep because of the drugs I was doing. I was now smoking meth. I would get high and talk to people about God. Not the best way to do it, I know :) My spirit was willing but my flesh was EXTREMELY weak.

I remember that Christmas my mom had Kenny try to come find me at some of the strip clubs in Dallas. I would call her when I was high and talk gibberish and she knew I was not doing good. That Christmas she ended up getting ahold of me and I spent the holidays in bed because I was so sick. When I got well I was right back at it.

I got word during that time that Vicky had overdosed. (Vicky is an older lady I do coke with and she would talk to me about God that I mentioned in a previous post.) This really made me realize what games I was playing with God.

The closest thing I had to a christian friend during that time was a girl I danced with who's dad use to be a preacher. I had no fellowship. I just had my bible and my journal. I still was not broken enough. The difference now that I was saved was that there was an extreme conviction. A longing for the things of God and a great sorrow that I was missing the mark by so much.

Kenny found out that my mom was doing drugs and told her to go to rehab or he was divorcing her. She wouldn't go. She stayed with her dealer for awhile and Kenny took Steven to my mammaw's to live. Kenny had nothing to do with Steven for years and years after that. Kenny divorced my mom. My mom finally came to Texas to live. My mom, Steven and me lived together for a short time in Fort Worth. My poor brother. He was 13 and suddenly had his normal life stripped from him and he was living with his strung out mom and sister!

My mom and I did not do well living together. I felt like I was a burden to her. We fought more wildly than ever. She had so much pent up anger. My emotional growth was stunted from all of the drugs. I was flat lined when I was using and all over the place when I wasn't. We clashed in the worst way....