My Story - Part 8

Today's post is long since I didn't post Friday on my computer fast day...or Saturday. Consider it 2 posts in one :)

I didn't stay in my apartment long. I broke my lease. This really made Kenny mad. It affected my mom's credit. He did not want her having any communication with me. My mom and I went a year without talking. I was so self focused at this point that it didn't bother me that much.

I had made Arthur, the 21 year old guy who was my boyfriend my god. I had never had a dad that was consistently involved and so you can imagine how needy I was. He had an ex-girlfriend and they had a baby together so there was always lots of drama. She hated me and would threaten me and attack me physically when she would see me out. (She eventually became a christian and asked for my forgiveness a few years ago...God is so good). We would go to clubs and drink together. We would cheat on each other. It was so dysfunctional. I was addicted to the dysfunction of it...the fighting and the making up. I wanted so badly to get what I needed from this relationship. It just left me feeling more empty. When we would break up I would literally feel like I was going to die. I once TRIED to commit suicide by taking a bottle of Tylenol and had to go to the ER to get my stomach pumped. I remember them having to call my mom because I was a minor. She didn't come to the hospital.

I also tried to get what I needed from friendships. I never wanted to be alone very long. I was constantly with someone so I wouldn't get bored and have to face the emptiness on the inside.

I reconnected with my dad and asked him to co-sign for me an apartment...and a few months after a car. He did. Me and Arthur lived in the apartment. I tried working at some telemarketing companies. We eventually broke up for good and I was on my own.

I finally got a job at a car dealership and worked my way all the way up to receptionist :) I could not pay my bills. I moved in with my mammaw's husband's ex- step daughter. (Whew...that was a lot). She was 5 years older than me and VERY sweet. I think she felt sorry for me.

I was more promiscuous than ever. I wanted so badly to have someone love me. I was using sex to get love but instead I was just building a reputation amongst the guys that went to the clubs I hung out at. I had the same problem I did in high school. No one wanted to actually be my boyfriend. Why did they have to when I would just sleep with them. I was going out constantly...drinking several nights a week. I was always getting in fights with my friends and living in constant chaos.

My sweet roommate finally couldn't handle my chaotic lifestyle anymore and moved out.

I had just turned 18 and was struggling to pay my bills. I was so ashamed of myself for sleeping around so much. I had no relationship with anyone in my family except my mammaw who was in Texas. My life was out of control. I remember being in my room one night...alone...which didn't happen much. I remember thinking I needed to start going to church and to give my life over to God. I weighed it out in my mind and decided against it. I decided that I wasn't ready to give up going out, drinking, guys. It was too overwhelming for me to stop doing those things...they were my comfort...my dysfunctional community...my crutch. I decided instead to try to manage my own life.

(This is when my decent into the pit accelerated like never before. I know now that God was pulling back His hand to a certain extent to let me indulge in my flesh so that I would quickly come to the end of myself and come to Him....it worked!).

I just needed more money...then I would be OK. Since the only thing of worth I thought I had was my sexuality I decided to use it to make money. After all...this is the only thing men ever wanted from me from a little girl on...I might as well get paid for it.

Shortly after my 18th birthday I went to Cover Girls, a topless club in OKC and applied to be an "exotic dancer." I was so nervous. I auditioned that day and started that night. I hated the way it made me feel at first. The first night I was too scared to do many "table dances." ( A table dance is where you dance in front of a guy sitting in a chair for one song. I explain because I thought before I started stripping that you literally danced on the table :) ) I still made $75...enough to pay my electric bill and it was enough to bring me back the next night. I drank every night at work and soon grew to love the attention that I got from the men. I seemed to have power over men in this environment...instead of them having power over me. Since I was so insecure...this seemed to be the antidote to my insecurity that I had been looking for. I had soon had plenty of money and attention...still no love....but I was managing better than before. I fooled myself into thinking it was just a job. During the evening at the club I was Mariah (my stage name)...during the day I was Shanna. I noticed that first year that some of the girls were strung out on drugs....I had no intention of becoming addicted to drugs. I had always despised this about my mom. I noticed that some of the girls took their dancing too far...they would let guys touch them...or even do private dances at parties or hotel rooms. I could never cross these lines. I always felt like I was better than they were because of this...I know now I wasn't. I am sure that it was God who kept me from crossing certain lines...that can be the only explanation.

A few months into dancing I got my 3 closest friends from High School to come join me. This turned into a few years of hell...

I will talk tomorrow about drugs being introduced into my life and my cocaine addiction. I am almost to age 21 when I got saved! You all have been so kind to stick this out with me...