My Story - Part 9

I am sooooooo sorry to leave you all hanging. I have been sick...SICK the last few days. I was determined tonight no matter how I felt to press on...so here goes....

I got my 3 friends from High School to join me. We started doing drugs like ecstasy and smoking pot on occasion. I was drinking a lot! When I would drink until I was miserable the next day I would tell myself I was going to quit...but it wold usually only last a few days. I was sleeping around still quite a bit.

I lived in an apartment by myself and seemed to be managing OK. I would still have the times occasionally where I would face myself and feel shame and want it all to change. I just pushed past the feelings.

I only remember praying at this point on every now and then.

I started going to Dallas to dance at topless clubs there on occasion. I made more money at those clubs and they had a classy feel to them. I just wanted to feel better about what I was doing.

I was back in contact with my mom. She was living a normal life and now I was living her old one. I had minimal contact with my dad. He had married and had 2 little girls.

Finally at age 20 I did my first line of cocaine. I was hooked. One of my friends got a boyfriend who sold cocaine so it was very accessible. I started doing coke every single day. It got to the point where I was using it on a regular basis just to get thru the day. Sometimes on the weekends I would stay up all weekend and party using cocaine and other drugs.

At first when I would come down I would get terribly depressed and I would pray and tell myself I was never going to use drugs again. The problem was that this was the first thing that seemed make me feel in complete control. I quit sleeping with guys. I started calling the shots. I felt secure and invincible. It was the answer that I thought I was looking for.

Several things happened in a short period of time. I watched 2 friends go into a seizure at 2 different times because of the drugs we were doing. One ended up in the hospital for a few days.

I had another friend wreck my car. She was driving and I was with her. We were on lots of drugs and going to a party. I still to this day do not remember what happened. I just remember that we both got out of the passenger side because the driver side door wouldn't open. We got in the car with some people following us and went to a party. A few days later I realized I didn't have my car. We couldn't even remember what happened or where to look for it. I eventually found it at a tow service and it was totaled. I had let my insurance lapse and it was in my dad's name. Needles to say he was not happy and we went a few more years without talking.

The wreck caused a big fight between my friend and I. We danced together and so she told the owner of the club I was using. Because he "cared" about me he had me start taking urine drug tests a few times a week to make sure I stayed clean.

During this season I called my mom one morning when I was coming down and asked her to come get me. I told her everything. I told her I needed help because I couldn't stop and it was scaring me. She came and got me and let me come and stay with her and Kenny. (Kenny was on the road a lot during this time. He was a truck driver on the side.)

A few mornings into my stay we ended us doing cocaine together at her kitchen table. She told me she had started using again. She had joined a bowling league with her neighbors and they would do cocaine as a fun addition to their bowling night. My mom was hooked again after several years of being clean. Her normal life was about to go down the drain...along with my brother's too.

Within a few weeks I had asked my mammaw if I could come live with her. I thought if I moved to Texas I could dance at a topless club in Forth Worth near where she lived. I could dance during the day so there wouldn't be as many drugs and get back on track.

The weekend my mammaw came to follow me and my uhaul back to her house in Texas was quite an adventure. Kenny was out of town. My mom told me that her and my mammaw wanted to go in half on an 8 ball of cocaine. She asked me if they could give me their money and have me get it from my dealer. (My mom was 36 at this point and my mammaw was 52.) My mom and I started doing the cocaine from the 8 ball before my mammaw got there that morning. Since I had a scheduled urine test I had my mammaw pee in a cup for me before she did her first line so I would have clean urine to take to my test. (I am just giving you these details because they are interesting :)) My uncle Ronnie...my mom's little brother, my mammaw, my mom and I all ended up doing cocaine together that weekend. I finally ended up heading to Texas with no sleep driving my uhaul full of my belongings to start a new life in Ft. Worth, Texas.

WOW...are you guys overwhelmed...cuz I am! It is so odd writing these things down. It is like telling a story about someone else.

It gets worse before it gets better, right? Moving right along to 21....the moment that God was waiting for!