I want to blog more, even feel God convicting me to. I have these struggles...I don't have time, who's even going to read it, I have terrible typing and grammar skills, what if people think I am trying to brag and on and on and on. BUT I know to capture the reality and emotion of an event or moments or seasons of life you need to record them as quickly as possible. I know God uses the stories of His work through the lives of others to spur me on to be a living sacrifice for Him...that is what I hope for my life to be for others...for the glory of His great Name!
So pray for me to write out what He doing in me. I will just hold my breath and hit send. Ignore the mixed up words and run on sentences because I have 6 precious ones running around most times.
15 1/2 years ago I was a stripper who gave her life to Christ. What He has done in my life is absolutely miraculous. I am DAILY amazed that He has somehow taken me from all that I was to all that I am in Him. I NEVER, EVER would have dreamed that He would have given me this life. A life that is constantly bringing to my knees in brokenness over my own sin...a life that has called me to die to myself daily...a life that has given me a pure marriage and 3 beautiful children from my womb...a life that has led me to take in person after person into our home, from family to strangers...a life that would lead me to care for orphans and widows in their distress...
I love Jesus! I mean I REALLY love Him. Not just kinda sort of, but love Him to the point that I want nothing more than to see His face!
I never feel so alive as when I am worshiping Him down on my face in my bedroom or as loud as I can at church. I never feel so alive as when I am walking the dusty roads of Africa holding the hand of a child who calls me Mum. I never feel so alive as when I am holding a baby who was once sick and now is healthy and well and smiling. I never feel so alive as when I hear my husband quoting scripture and urging me on to the next level in Christ, pushing me a little further than what I think my heart can bare.
I told Jerome last night that I post cute pictures and sayings on facebook about our foster kids because I am desperate for the body of Christ to help care for the orphans in our own country. I want it to be attractive and entice them to take in a kid or two of their own...or help someone who already has. A year ago I would not have dreamed of taking in a foster child. Too much risk. Too much work. No way. Now my prayers are for others to join with us. I also told Jerome I secretly leave out the really messy, hard parts of fostering children who already have a mommy. I constantly have to push back my fear of the the future. The future could hold more pain than I have ever experienced in my life and I have to face the reality of this without letting it stop me from loving deeply.
My prayers have been consumed for 3 years with begging, pleading, crying tears after tears for God to please, please, please send people to help us care for a group of orphans on the coast of West Africa. My heart LONGS to see them truly be a light for Him for many generations to come. I leave out the part about the HUGE battle around these efforts. Talk about suffering. I have never experienced so much suffering for such a long season over anything. And yet He gives me perseverance to endure and keep going.
I can say with complete humility and utter JOY that today...I am a godly woman. Me, the stripper who couldn't go a day without being high on something and living only for myself. This causes me to worship Him OH SO MUCH! The God of the universe rescued me and has done great, amazing things through me in one person's life at a time.
I didn't graduate high school and I home school our kids. I knew nothing about being a mommy and He has made me a mommy to more children than I can count on my fingers and toes. He has given me a love for His word, a thirst for His Spirit and a longing for holiness.
This is why I tell you these things. If God can transform me into His image in this way and use me to do anything of eternal value, HE CAN USE YOU! I see the body of Christ changing...more are stepping up in radical obedience to do things that require great suffering and sacrifice and I am excited about that...REALLY EXCITED! I also see many on the sidelines who hold back out of fear, complacency or because they don't really believe to be called by His Name means to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Him.
Maybe 2 people read this, but my prayer is that even if 1 person steps out to radically obey what Christ is calling them to it will be worth it. If you don't have anything in particular in mind, open up one of the gospels and start reading. Whatever you see that Jesus did while He was on the earth, go out and do it. You will have many options to choose from, any of them will do. In fact do as many as you can. I know it sounds crazy but He will not rebuke you for it on the last day. He will not tell you that you sacrificed too much, showed too much compassion, loved too deeply, spent your life too freely on account of His Name. You will not regret it. He will be with you.
If He can use me, the weak, the foolish, the despised...He can use you my friend. Let me warn you, suffering will wait for you, but so will great, everlasting JOY!
I am praying for you!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Grateful
Lord Jesus,
You are good. You are faithful. You are able. I am amazed that I am just one life...I am dust, yet you will fight to let me know how valuable I am to you...how much delight I bring you. Lord, please use me in greater measure. It is my joy and delight to be used by You. Let me pour out my life, my love, for Your glory...for your renown. Lord, give me the grace to not please man but You alone. Lord, please help me to obey You and not shrink back. Use my mouth to encourage and praise! Use my hands to serve and comfort. Use my feet to carry the gospel across the earth. Strip away my pride...my misplaced affections. Please let me serve You in the ways You lead, doing the work You have prepared in advance for me to do. Please, Please, Please give me the discipline and ability to memorize more of Your Word so it can bring life and freedom to me and others through me. Please speak to me more. Please help me focus on You more...delight in You more...praise You more. Help me to see my whole life...even my daily, mundane activities as worship to You. Let me see every act of service...every word of encouragement to others as unto You. Let me give myself fully to You...looking to You for all I need. Help me not be distracted by the pride of life, the things of this world, my own insecurities and failures. Let me fix my eyes fully on the eternal, unseen riches I have in You and not the temporary things of this world that will not last.
Jesus, my Lord and my King! I am more in love with You than ever. I delight to do Your will. I'm alive here in Your Presence. I'm convinced of Your faithfulness. No matter what pain comes in and out of my life I know You are enough...You are unchanging...You are good and You are all I need. Your love makes it worth it all...all the struggle against my flesh...all the battles to do Your will...all the frustration of my day to day failings when I want more than anything to obey You at all times. I look to You and I am lost in Your Presence. You work all things together for my good and call me beautiful. You are worth all of me...all of my devotion...all of my affection. There is no one on this earth that loves and cares for me so perfectly. Your compassion and mercy are constantly being poured out into my life and I am humbled, honored, blessed to be called Your very own...Your forever daughter. Thank you for calling me...adopting me as Your own. Thank You for stripping me of idols and bringing freedom where I was once bound and creating such a beautiful life out of the ashes that I brought to You. You are still making all things new in me. Every day You are making me new. Every day You are calling me closer to You and higher above my circumstances and lower in submission and humility...all by the power of Your Spirit alive inside of me. So with all that I am, I proclaim Your goodness...with everything inside of me I will shout Your praise ALL the days of my life. I love and long for You more than ever before. Please, please consume every single part of me. Lord Jesus have Your way. Let Your will be done in me. You are my Treasure and I will live to know You more!
I love You!
You are good. You are faithful. You are able. I am amazed that I am just one life...I am dust, yet you will fight to let me know how valuable I am to you...how much delight I bring you. Lord, please use me in greater measure. It is my joy and delight to be used by You. Let me pour out my life, my love, for Your glory...for your renown. Lord, give me the grace to not please man but You alone. Lord, please help me to obey You and not shrink back. Use my mouth to encourage and praise! Use my hands to serve and comfort. Use my feet to carry the gospel across the earth. Strip away my pride...my misplaced affections. Please let me serve You in the ways You lead, doing the work You have prepared in advance for me to do. Please, Please, Please give me the discipline and ability to memorize more of Your Word so it can bring life and freedom to me and others through me. Please speak to me more. Please help me focus on You more...delight in You more...praise You more. Help me to see my whole life...even my daily, mundane activities as worship to You. Let me see every act of service...every word of encouragement to others as unto You. Let me give myself fully to You...looking to You for all I need. Help me not be distracted by the pride of life, the things of this world, my own insecurities and failures. Let me fix my eyes fully on the eternal, unseen riches I have in You and not the temporary things of this world that will not last.
Jesus, my Lord and my King! I am more in love with You than ever. I delight to do Your will. I'm alive here in Your Presence. I'm convinced of Your faithfulness. No matter what pain comes in and out of my life I know You are enough...You are unchanging...You are good and You are all I need. Your love makes it worth it all...all the struggle against my flesh...all the battles to do Your will...all the frustration of my day to day failings when I want more than anything to obey You at all times. I look to You and I am lost in Your Presence. You work all things together for my good and call me beautiful. You are worth all of me...all of my devotion...all of my affection. There is no one on this earth that loves and cares for me so perfectly. Your compassion and mercy are constantly being poured out into my life and I am humbled, honored, blessed to be called Your very own...Your forever daughter. Thank you for calling me...adopting me as Your own. Thank You for stripping me of idols and bringing freedom where I was once bound and creating such a beautiful life out of the ashes that I brought to You. You are still making all things new in me. Every day You are making me new. Every day You are calling me closer to You and higher above my circumstances and lower in submission and humility...all by the power of Your Spirit alive inside of me. So with all that I am, I proclaim Your goodness...with everything inside of me I will shout Your praise ALL the days of my life. I love and long for You more than ever before. Please, please consume every single part of me. Lord Jesus have Your way. Let Your will be done in me. You are my Treasure and I will live to know You more!
I love You!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
He is Worthy!
I have so many things to do. An hour to be out the door with 4 of our 6 kids for an appointment. Everyone is still in PJ's working on school projects...worship playing in the back ground... I just had to stop and share with someone how great God is! Since phone conversations are next to impossible for me these days...I am telling anyone who will take time to read this.
Our great God is faithful! He is beautiful! He is trustworthy!
I have been rushing around the last few days trying to get all the kids to their doctors appointments and last minute things finished. I get the joy of going to take care of orphans for two weeks that don't have mommies to take them to the doctor or walk them to school or tuck them in at night, praying for them and telling them how precious they are to God.
I've been rushing through my days trying to get my mental check list done. (Something hard for me because my free spirits despises check lists) I have also been rushing in and out of His Presence in the mornings. In His grace and mercy He will not allow me to go on like this very long. He loves me. He pursues me. He literally chases me down with His goodness. So...I ended up sitting and just crying a few hours into my day. Crying because I just don't want to value anything over time alone with Him...not sleep...not more things done on my list...I don't want to take for granted that the God of the universe waits for me to wake up and spend time with me.
He is doing so many things in and through my broken life. He is moving in so many ways through the body of Christ all over the earth. His Name is being lifted up...the gospel is being preached...people are living for Him...sacrificially. But what excites me, draws me to my knees is that He chooses to live through ME...sinful, selfish ME! He has given me the boldness to declare His Name, His Truth, His goodness to the lost and the found. He has called and sent me to care for the orphan, the widow, the poor and the oppressed and allowed me to experience His joy as I obey. He has given me the strength to rise above myself and allow wanderer after wanderer to live in our home. Now, I can easily rejoice when I see others doing this...but for me, I know myself...my pride, the wickedness I am constantly fighting against in my own heart.
Today I am choosing to rejoice in the greatness of who He is! I am choosing to make time to sit still in His Presence letting everything else go. I am choosing to remember all He has done for me and through me. I am choosing to give Him the worship and glory due to His great Name!
Our great God is faithful! He is beautiful! He is trustworthy!
I have been rushing around the last few days trying to get all the kids to their doctors appointments and last minute things finished. I get the joy of going to take care of orphans for two weeks that don't have mommies to take them to the doctor or walk them to school or tuck them in at night, praying for them and telling them how precious they are to God.
I've been rushing through my days trying to get my mental check list done. (Something hard for me because my free spirits despises check lists) I have also been rushing in and out of His Presence in the mornings. In His grace and mercy He will not allow me to go on like this very long. He loves me. He pursues me. He literally chases me down with His goodness. So...I ended up sitting and just crying a few hours into my day. Crying because I just don't want to value anything over time alone with Him...not sleep...not more things done on my list...I don't want to take for granted that the God of the universe waits for me to wake up and spend time with me.
He is doing so many things in and through my broken life. He is moving in so many ways through the body of Christ all over the earth. His Name is being lifted up...the gospel is being preached...people are living for Him...sacrificially. But what excites me, draws me to my knees is that He chooses to live through ME...sinful, selfish ME! He has given me the boldness to declare His Name, His Truth, His goodness to the lost and the found. He has called and sent me to care for the orphan, the widow, the poor and the oppressed and allowed me to experience His joy as I obey. He has given me the strength to rise above myself and allow wanderer after wanderer to live in our home. Now, I can easily rejoice when I see others doing this...but for me, I know myself...my pride, the wickedness I am constantly fighting against in my own heart.
Today I am choosing to rejoice in the greatness of who He is! I am choosing to make time to sit still in His Presence letting everything else go. I am choosing to remember all He has done for me and through me. I am choosing to give Him the worship and glory due to His great Name!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Pain in the offering...
My life seems like a constant cliff hanger. I feel as if He takes me in and out of the furnace over and over again and for this I BLESS HIS HOLY NAME! While there is pain in the offering, there is also inexpressible JOY! Let me explain...
I wanted many children all from my own womb. But more than this, I wanted His will for my life. That is what He is giving me.
After my second tubal pregnancy I realized 3 children was all I could I give birth to and I wanted to adopt a fatherless child through DHS. But more than this I wanted His plan for my life. I see it unfolding.
God closed my womb to open up my heart for more children than I could bare on my own in an orphanage on the coast of west Africa. This has brought more joy than giving birth to 10,000 babies! To have Him align my heart with His for the orphan has brought sorrow and suffering. He sent me into a great battle to fight the injustice surrounding their broken lives. I now know Him in ways I NEVER would have had I not taken up my cross and followed Him. This is worth everything I have! Over 3 years into caring for and defending these precious ones I have found that I am less in love with the world and what it has to offer and more devoted to the One who gave His life so these children would know His love.
I still wanted to adopt but I did NOT want to be a foster parent. I did not want to care for the fatherless in this way. There was too much at risk for me emotionally. After all, I was doing my part by taking care of the orphans in Sierra Leone, right Lord? Isn't that enough? You see I tend to love very deeply, which can also bring a lot of pain. I do not like pain!
I ended up being a foster parent in a supernatural, very unconventional way. Completely God! You see God called us to take in 2 foster children we had only known a few weeks into our 4 bedroom, 1,800 square foot house with no substation on our $57,000 a year salary. We had no running vehicle and I was already spread thin homeschooling our 3 boys while helping run our ministry for the orphans. AWWW But He does not ask for my obedience when it makes sense or it seems like the right timing. He asked me to trust and obey Him regardless of my feelings or circumstances. 5 months into our journey we took in our foster children's 4 month old baby sister. I had given this precious one a baby shower when she was still in her mommy's tummy and was certain she was staying with her mommy. Again, I did not see how we would have the room, time, money...but I obeyed. And of course JOY came along with everything else we needed. He surrounded us with support from the body of Christ and poured out His Spirit in immeasurable ways. He has faithfully, no more than faithfully, provided MORE THAN ENOUGH of everything...money, time, energy, love, support. I could type for hours telling you unending stories of His faithfulness just in this situation alone.
This is where I am at this morning... I want these children to never leave our home. Ever. I have cried so many tears in the last 2 days at the mere thought of it. Our home has been a revolving door for the broken, the wanderer and the fatherless for the last 13 years of our marriage. I get ZERO credit for this. In fact I have fought God almost every time He brings new people and every time He takes them out. You see, I want stability in my circumstances. He wants stability in my soul. I want happiness, He wants me to have deep, everlasting JOY! In my pride I want people to look at our life and see order, He wants people to look at our life and see that He is the order in our chaos. I want people to see I have it all together, He wants people to see that I will be a fool for Christ!
He has reminded me this morning that my life is NOT my own. It was bought with a high price. I am to be a living sacrifice. I am to imitate His submission in the garden the night before He went to the cross. If He wants to bring 1,000 more people through our home so that we can speak the gospel to them, live out the gospel for them and share the gospel with them, then so be it! I will say it is an honor, a JOY, no matter the pain, no matter the cost...because to do His will is what the cross DEMANDS of me!
I don't know how long these children will be in our home. I don't know if Jerome will be given his next breath. I don't know if I will step foot on another plane to Africa to see the orphans I love so much. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
What I do know is that Jesus Christ is enough for me. He is all I need. And I will live to do His will. When what I desperately want doesn't line up with His plan for my life, I will bow my will to His and bless His Name. There is no greater joy than to follow Him where ever He leads. There is no greater joy than to welcome in my life whatever suffering He wants to bring, I know it is always for my highest joy and for the glory of His great Name!
I wanted many children all from my own womb. But more than this, I wanted His will for my life. That is what He is giving me.
After my second tubal pregnancy I realized 3 children was all I could I give birth to and I wanted to adopt a fatherless child through DHS. But more than this I wanted His plan for my life. I see it unfolding.
God closed my womb to open up my heart for more children than I could bare on my own in an orphanage on the coast of west Africa. This has brought more joy than giving birth to 10,000 babies! To have Him align my heart with His for the orphan has brought sorrow and suffering. He sent me into a great battle to fight the injustice surrounding their broken lives. I now know Him in ways I NEVER would have had I not taken up my cross and followed Him. This is worth everything I have! Over 3 years into caring for and defending these precious ones I have found that I am less in love with the world and what it has to offer and more devoted to the One who gave His life so these children would know His love.
I still wanted to adopt but I did NOT want to be a foster parent. I did not want to care for the fatherless in this way. There was too much at risk for me emotionally. After all, I was doing my part by taking care of the orphans in Sierra Leone, right Lord? Isn't that enough? You see I tend to love very deeply, which can also bring a lot of pain. I do not like pain!
I ended up being a foster parent in a supernatural, very unconventional way. Completely God! You see God called us to take in 2 foster children we had only known a few weeks into our 4 bedroom, 1,800 square foot house with no substation on our $57,000 a year salary. We had no running vehicle and I was already spread thin homeschooling our 3 boys while helping run our ministry for the orphans. AWWW But He does not ask for my obedience when it makes sense or it seems like the right timing. He asked me to trust and obey Him regardless of my feelings or circumstances. 5 months into our journey we took in our foster children's 4 month old baby sister. I had given this precious one a baby shower when she was still in her mommy's tummy and was certain she was staying with her mommy. Again, I did not see how we would have the room, time, money...but I obeyed. And of course JOY came along with everything else we needed. He surrounded us with support from the body of Christ and poured out His Spirit in immeasurable ways. He has faithfully, no more than faithfully, provided MORE THAN ENOUGH of everything...money, time, energy, love, support. I could type for hours telling you unending stories of His faithfulness just in this situation alone.
This is where I am at this morning... I want these children to never leave our home. Ever. I have cried so many tears in the last 2 days at the mere thought of it. Our home has been a revolving door for the broken, the wanderer and the fatherless for the last 13 years of our marriage. I get ZERO credit for this. In fact I have fought God almost every time He brings new people and every time He takes them out. You see, I want stability in my circumstances. He wants stability in my soul. I want happiness, He wants me to have deep, everlasting JOY! In my pride I want people to look at our life and see order, He wants people to look at our life and see that He is the order in our chaos. I want people to see I have it all together, He wants people to see that I will be a fool for Christ!
He has reminded me this morning that my life is NOT my own. It was bought with a high price. I am to be a living sacrifice. I am to imitate His submission in the garden the night before He went to the cross. If He wants to bring 1,000 more people through our home so that we can speak the gospel to them, live out the gospel for them and share the gospel with them, then so be it! I will say it is an honor, a JOY, no matter the pain, no matter the cost...because to do His will is what the cross DEMANDS of me!
I don't know how long these children will be in our home. I don't know if Jerome will be given his next breath. I don't know if I will step foot on another plane to Africa to see the orphans I love so much. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
What I do know is that Jesus Christ is enough for me. He is all I need. And I will live to do His will. When what I desperately want doesn't line up with His plan for my life, I will bow my will to His and bless His Name. There is no greater joy than to follow Him where ever He leads. There is no greater joy than to welcome in my life whatever suffering He wants to bring, I know it is always for my highest joy and for the glory of His great Name!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Help Us Spread the Gospel
This is from Jerome:
Help Me Introduce Thousands to the Word of God!
In March of 2012 I will be leading a team to Sierra Leone in a mission to spread the gospel. Our main purpose will be to preach the gospel to villages that have small Christian populations but have virtually no access to the bible. In some of these villages there are even Christian pastors that do not have a complete copy of the word of God. I and some others feel a calling from the Lord to preach the gospel to those still not saved and to take 10,000 bibles to pass out to anyone who will take one so when we leave they will be able to know Him in a complete way. We will be providing training for the Pastors and leaders but all of our training will be to point them to a dependence on the word of God.
I am asking for your help in several ways.
1. Pray! To raise the money and resources for such a trip is beyond us. Not to mention that we do not have the ability to change our own hearts much less the hearts of those who were brought up in different belief systems. We need the Holy Spirit to open doors and in particular to provide the leaders that will lead in these areas after we are gone.
2. Consider! There are several bold evangelists that have already committed to go on this trip. These are humble men who love the gospel and love individuals in a way that humbles me. We have a few medical personnel that are considering going for medical clinics in the villages we visit and we have a medical team from a sister ministry that we are in talks with to unify our efforts. Some of you are called! Please consider coming and helping. If you have ever desired to be in an ACTS like environment, this is it! Do not be scared GOD WILL PROVIDE if you will say yes.
3. Give! We do not have a total cost for this trip right now but we are sending the first thousand bibles over in less than 2 weeks on a container! Please consider donating a bible. The smaller the bible the better. But we will accept any and all copies of His Word. You can drop them off on our porch or in front of our garage. Our address is: 1700 Godhania Rd. Edmond. There is also a drop off location in OKC. Here is a link for more info: http://www.wix.com/cdrwenski/orphans We need to raise another $1500 to pay for bibles and shipping. Please consider giving. All donations are tax deductible and can be made to Komeo International Ministries and mailed to us at PO Box 21586 OKC,OK 73156
4. Stay Tuned! I will send out a more complete list of our plan in the future.
In His Service,
Jerome Crawford
www.komeo.org
Please feel free to forward on or somehow get your church or bible study involved in helping you help us spread the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Help Me Introduce Thousands to the Word of God!
In March of 2012 I will be leading a team to Sierra Leone in a mission to spread the gospel. Our main purpose will be to preach the gospel to villages that have small Christian populations but have virtually no access to the bible. In some of these villages there are even Christian pastors that do not have a complete copy of the word of God. I and some others feel a calling from the Lord to preach the gospel to those still not saved and to take 10,000 bibles to pass out to anyone who will take one so when we leave they will be able to know Him in a complete way. We will be providing training for the Pastors and leaders but all of our training will be to point them to a dependence on the word of God.
I am asking for your help in several ways.
1. Pray! To raise the money and resources for such a trip is beyond us. Not to mention that we do not have the ability to change our own hearts much less the hearts of those who were brought up in different belief systems. We need the Holy Spirit to open doors and in particular to provide the leaders that will lead in these areas after we are gone.
2. Consider! There are several bold evangelists that have already committed to go on this trip. These are humble men who love the gospel and love individuals in a way that humbles me. We have a few medical personnel that are considering going for medical clinics in the villages we visit and we have a medical team from a sister ministry that we are in talks with to unify our efforts. Some of you are called! Please consider coming and helping. If you have ever desired to be in an ACTS like environment, this is it! Do not be scared GOD WILL PROVIDE if you will say yes.
3. Give! We do not have a total cost for this trip right now but we are sending the first thousand bibles over in less than 2 weeks on a container! Please consider donating a bible. The smaller the bible the better. But we will accept any and all copies of His Word. You can drop them off on our porch or in front of our garage. Our address is: 1700 Godhania Rd. Edmond. There is also a drop off location in OKC. Here is a link for more info: http://www.wix.com/cdrwenski/orphans We need to raise another $1500 to pay for bibles and shipping. Please consider giving. All donations are tax deductible and can be made to Komeo International Ministries and mailed to us at PO Box 21586 OKC,OK 73156
4. Stay Tuned! I will send out a more complete list of our plan in the future.
In His Service,
Jerome Crawford
www.komeo.org
Please feel free to forward on or somehow get your church or bible study involved in helping you help us spread the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Lost Are Found
Written by Jerome Crawford...
Today I had to drive all over the Southside for lunch. I have to do this at least once or twice a week so this is not anything foreign. But this time it was a little different. It is amazing how I can get so lost in the details of today that I forget the Great things He has done. As I drove today I past Southeast High school and I remembered. There is a little nail shop directly north of the high school. I used and dealt drugs there (it was a little restaurant then). I remember… A shooting involving a friend… Several fights… the messed up personalities of the kids I would hang out with. I kept driving and passed an apartment complex where I was involved with a drug deal gone bad. A guy stole some drugs from me and I came looking for him with a 45cal. When I set out to find him I was fully ready to shoot him if necessary (over $300 in drugs) I found him but was filled with fear that I would kill him if I pulled the gun so I just let him go. As I drove I ran into dozens of empty, violent desperate memories. I passed a grocery store on 59th that I used to frequent with my roommate. We would get high and laugh and act crazy there about once a week. He was pretty normal compared to the rest of us...one of the most amazing musicians I had ever met. We laughed so much. Every now and then he would talk about us killing ourselves. One night he talked 3 people into it and they all tried to talked me into it. I refused really I thought it was just an act. Several years ago he shot his wife and then killed himself in front of his three kids. I passed a lot of laughs and smiles but none of them real they all will or have ended in death. They would be great for reality TV but pain was the only thing that was real. Just an endless struggle to try to find some relief or at least fool everyone. We all knew the truth we just were too strong to be broken. Most of these memories were from 20 years ago but I remember like it was yesterday.
I was listing to my iPod and singing the whole time as I remembered. I started to sing a Hillsong live song ...
The lost are found! The blind shall see! The lame shall walk! The dead shall live!!
For this reason I will Love Your Holy Name! I was dead but now I live!! How powerful you are God to save me! Some will look at a star and marvel at your power but I will look in the mirror and know that You are unstoppable! HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU!!! I AM ALIVE AND FILLED WITH PURPOSE AND HOPE!! HOW I LONG TO BE WITH YOU!!! . Please forgive my pride, my selfishness. How can I ever be discontent with the feast that You put in front of me. You are truly Good in all You do. Sometimes I wish You would just strip me clean and make me live a completely sinless life but that would be too easy for You! Instead You raise me as a child teaching me to long for Your name like baby longs for a mother's embrace. I was so ashamed, empty and foolish. Now I just want more of You. I want to know You the unstoppable God!
Today I had to drive all over the Southside for lunch. I have to do this at least once or twice a week so this is not anything foreign. But this time it was a little different. It is amazing how I can get so lost in the details of today that I forget the Great things He has done. As I drove today I past Southeast High school and I remembered. There is a little nail shop directly north of the high school. I used and dealt drugs there (it was a little restaurant then). I remember… A shooting involving a friend… Several fights… the messed up personalities of the kids I would hang out with. I kept driving and passed an apartment complex where I was involved with a drug deal gone bad. A guy stole some drugs from me and I came looking for him with a 45cal. When I set out to find him I was fully ready to shoot him if necessary (over $300 in drugs) I found him but was filled with fear that I would kill him if I pulled the gun so I just let him go. As I drove I ran into dozens of empty, violent desperate memories. I passed a grocery store on 59th that I used to frequent with my roommate. We would get high and laugh and act crazy there about once a week. He was pretty normal compared to the rest of us...one of the most amazing musicians I had ever met. We laughed so much. Every now and then he would talk about us killing ourselves. One night he talked 3 people into it and they all tried to talked me into it. I refused really I thought it was just an act. Several years ago he shot his wife and then killed himself in front of his three kids. I passed a lot of laughs and smiles but none of them real they all will or have ended in death. They would be great for reality TV but pain was the only thing that was real. Just an endless struggle to try to find some relief or at least fool everyone. We all knew the truth we just were too strong to be broken. Most of these memories were from 20 years ago but I remember like it was yesterday.
I was listing to my iPod and singing the whole time as I remembered. I started to sing a Hillsong live song ...
The lost are found! The blind shall see! The lame shall walk! The dead shall live!!
For this reason I will Love Your Holy Name! I was dead but now I live!! How powerful you are God to save me! Some will look at a star and marvel at your power but I will look in the mirror and know that You are unstoppable! HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU!!! I AM ALIVE AND FILLED WITH PURPOSE AND HOPE!! HOW I LONG TO BE WITH YOU!!! . Please forgive my pride, my selfishness. How can I ever be discontent with the feast that You put in front of me. You are truly Good in all You do. Sometimes I wish You would just strip me clean and make me live a completely sinless life but that would be too easy for You! Instead You raise me as a child teaching me to long for Your name like baby longs for a mother's embrace. I was so ashamed, empty and foolish. Now I just want more of You. I want to know You the unstoppable God!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
13 IS MY LUCKY NUMBER!
Written by my precious husband...love that man!
They say 13 is an unlucky number but Today is it the number that is causing me to yell praise to His name. You see 13 years ago in a little bicycle factory converted into a church a ceremony was performed that has enriched my life beyond measure. On that day I heard “I do” come out of the mouth of the greatest gift that my Father ever gave me! Unselfish , Redeemed, Pure, Beautiful, Sweet and in love with Him.. That is what I saw in your eyes as you said, “I do”. If I had known on that day what the next 13 years held in store for me I would have danced and shouted for joy, screaming for joy as Craig asked me to commit everything I had to you.
I know you are insecure! I know how you struggle with thinking you are not a good wife. And I know my sin in not encouraging you more. But I am telling you before our God that you are my Joy in Him. That if I lost you today I would need the faith of Job to survive. I am telling you before our God that if I had the opportunity to press a button and have the same kids and life with any other woman I WOULD NOT PRESS THAT BUTTON!
No other woman would I be able to sit with and just talk about the scriptures for hours, knowing that you are sharing my joy. In worship I see you next to me and I know you are right there with me in desperation, awestruck of Him. When He calls me to suffer for His name I know you are not a wife that will say “give me safety and security”. He provides all that I need and you are in Him and I need you! Yes in His Unending Love He provides a side of Himself through you. Together we stand as ONE with Him. The darkness trembles when we are unified in Him! May it always be so!
I beg You Lord and Father please let us be together 13 times 13 thousand years into eternity! May we be found in You together as one! Complete at Your feet worshiping you! May you give us strength to fight Lord! We will not rest until the Lost are Found, until the blind can see, until the lame walk and until the dead shall live! Lord I know you are near to us! Please help us let our light shine for You. Together we live to KNOW YOU!! Without you we would have already have been divorced, empty and pointless BUT WITH YOU I REJOICE THAT YOU HAVE DONE THE IMOSSIBLE FOR THIRTEEN YEARS IN OUR LIVES! HA! Two hopeless people who could not even hold down a relationship for longer than a month now have walked through the fire and somehow You have kept us!! You are able! You are mighty! Let everyone praise Your name! Those that know us know that You have done the impossible! May our relationship bring you glory for all time! Please continue to bring Glory to Your name through us Lord! I do not know what You will is Lord but may I wake up every day of this fight and see my beautiful and passionate companion. I want to battle with no other! Keep us Lord! We are weak without You! One day without You is enough for us to be crushed! But one day with You and we can change the world and that is what WE WANT!! To Honor You!
Thank You for giving me 13 YEARS with one so strong in You!!!
They say 13 is an unlucky number but Today is it the number that is causing me to yell praise to His name. You see 13 years ago in a little bicycle factory converted into a church a ceremony was performed that has enriched my life beyond measure. On that day I heard “I do” come out of the mouth of the greatest gift that my Father ever gave me! Unselfish , Redeemed, Pure, Beautiful, Sweet and in love with Him.. That is what I saw in your eyes as you said, “I do”. If I had known on that day what the next 13 years held in store for me I would have danced and shouted for joy, screaming for joy as Craig asked me to commit everything I had to you.
I know you are insecure! I know how you struggle with thinking you are not a good wife. And I know my sin in not encouraging you more. But I am telling you before our God that you are my Joy in Him. That if I lost you today I would need the faith of Job to survive. I am telling you before our God that if I had the opportunity to press a button and have the same kids and life with any other woman I WOULD NOT PRESS THAT BUTTON!
No other woman would I be able to sit with and just talk about the scriptures for hours, knowing that you are sharing my joy. In worship I see you next to me and I know you are right there with me in desperation, awestruck of Him. When He calls me to suffer for His name I know you are not a wife that will say “give me safety and security”. He provides all that I need and you are in Him and I need you! Yes in His Unending Love He provides a side of Himself through you. Together we stand as ONE with Him. The darkness trembles when we are unified in Him! May it always be so!
I beg You Lord and Father please let us be together 13 times 13 thousand years into eternity! May we be found in You together as one! Complete at Your feet worshiping you! May you give us strength to fight Lord! We will not rest until the Lost are Found, until the blind can see, until the lame walk and until the dead shall live! Lord I know you are near to us! Please help us let our light shine for You. Together we live to KNOW YOU!! Without you we would have already have been divorced, empty and pointless BUT WITH YOU I REJOICE THAT YOU HAVE DONE THE IMOSSIBLE FOR THIRTEEN YEARS IN OUR LIVES! HA! Two hopeless people who could not even hold down a relationship for longer than a month now have walked through the fire and somehow You have kept us!! You are able! You are mighty! Let everyone praise Your name! Those that know us know that You have done the impossible! May our relationship bring you glory for all time! Please continue to bring Glory to Your name through us Lord! I do not know what You will is Lord but may I wake up every day of this fight and see my beautiful and passionate companion. I want to battle with no other! Keep us Lord! We are weak without You! One day without You is enough for us to be crushed! But one day with You and we can change the world and that is what WE WANT!! To Honor You!
Thank You for giving me 13 YEARS with one so strong in You!!!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Desperate for His Grace
I've been home from Sierra Leone for less than 24 hours. My house is a mess, my laundry is piled up, I am sleep deprived and exhausted and my heart hurts from being freshly separated from the children in the Wellington Orphanage.
Most of all I am a wreck on the inside. I just spent an hour crying on my bedroom floor and this was the second time today.
I want to love Jesus more than I do. I want to know Him more, have more faith in who He is and what He has promised. My heart aches for more of Him. I want less of myself. I want to know and walk in the freedom and grace that He paid for on the cross. I want my heart to burn with more passion for His great Name. I want to be washed in His word. I want to look to Him for all of my satisfaction. I don't want to go outside of His will or long for anything outside of Him. I want to realize more fully just how alive He is and how close He is. I want to be at war with my sin and selfishness and pride. I want to desire His word more than food and His Spirit more than water.
I am such a mess. I needed His grace desperately when He called me, yet I need this same grace as desperately today, to get through this moment. I am nothing without Him. He is the only good thing in me and He is the only One who can offer me hope.
I will never understand why He called me. There are so many who have it together much more than I. I am constantly faced with my weaknesses and my inability to keep it all together. There are many who are more patient and loving and kind and organized and efficient...
Even after walking with Him all these years I still feel weak and desperate and scared to be separated from Him. He is my only Hope...still my only Hope. Without Him I would destroy myself and hurt all those around me.
Yet because He lives inside of me, this great God has called me to great things. He has called me, the impatient woman who struggles to keep her house in order and selfishly battles serving her family, to be a wife and a mom. He has called me, the one who doesn't return emails or phone calls, to be a friend. He calls me, the one who doesn't like to go 2 miles away from her house, to go to Africa 3 times a year to encourage orphans. He calls me to things outside of myself and my natural limits and giftings. He calls me to be a living sacrifice.
Some days I think I just can not do it. I can not bare to take another trip across the ocean to spend time with children only to cry half way home 2 weeks later. I can not not meet the physical and emotional needs of my own 3 children. I can't open myself up to fully love 2 extra children not knowing when their last day in our home will be. I can't serve my husband as though I were serving Jesus when at the end of the day I am holding on by a thread. I just don't have it in me.
Today was one of those days. He let me come to the end of myself. I can't do anything He has asked of me. I can't. I don't have what it takes in my natural ability or giftings.
After crying out to Him begging for strength and mercy...He reminded me through Romans that His grace is what saved me and His grace is what I must rely on every moment of every good and bad day. He is able to keep all of His promises to me. He is able to to make His grace abound towards me in my moments of weakness and trial and sin. If He gave His Son for me while I was His enemy, how much more now that I have been adopted by Him, does He lavish His love and grace on me.
I will never understand how He loves me the way He does. I will never understand how come He keeps calling me to partner with Him to love and serve and be poured out in the same way He was...I am not worthy. I will never understand why He is so patient and long suffering even when I stubbornly try to go outside of Him to find satisfaction for my soul. I will never understand how come this awesome and wonderful and mighty God has given me, of all people, such honor and purpose and unlimited chances when I fail so much. I am choosing to accept the mystery of not understanding. I don't have to fully understand, I simply must worship Him for the greatness of who He is and live in humility at His feet seeking Him with all that I am. I want to want Him, I want to obey Him, I want to depend on Him, I want to lose myself completely inside of His Son so that He can be more glorified through my messy and broken life!!!!
I want for my heart to know that His grace is sufficent for me today, tomorrow and every day after that...
Most of all I am a wreck on the inside. I just spent an hour crying on my bedroom floor and this was the second time today.
I want to love Jesus more than I do. I want to know Him more, have more faith in who He is and what He has promised. My heart aches for more of Him. I want less of myself. I want to know and walk in the freedom and grace that He paid for on the cross. I want my heart to burn with more passion for His great Name. I want to be washed in His word. I want to look to Him for all of my satisfaction. I don't want to go outside of His will or long for anything outside of Him. I want to realize more fully just how alive He is and how close He is. I want to be at war with my sin and selfishness and pride. I want to desire His word more than food and His Spirit more than water.
I am such a mess. I needed His grace desperately when He called me, yet I need this same grace as desperately today, to get through this moment. I am nothing without Him. He is the only good thing in me and He is the only One who can offer me hope.
I will never understand why He called me. There are so many who have it together much more than I. I am constantly faced with my weaknesses and my inability to keep it all together. There are many who are more patient and loving and kind and organized and efficient...
Even after walking with Him all these years I still feel weak and desperate and scared to be separated from Him. He is my only Hope...still my only Hope. Without Him I would destroy myself and hurt all those around me.
Yet because He lives inside of me, this great God has called me to great things. He has called me, the impatient woman who struggles to keep her house in order and selfishly battles serving her family, to be a wife and a mom. He has called me, the one who doesn't return emails or phone calls, to be a friend. He calls me, the one who doesn't like to go 2 miles away from her house, to go to Africa 3 times a year to encourage orphans. He calls me to things outside of myself and my natural limits and giftings. He calls me to be a living sacrifice.
Some days I think I just can not do it. I can not bare to take another trip across the ocean to spend time with children only to cry half way home 2 weeks later. I can not not meet the physical and emotional needs of my own 3 children. I can't open myself up to fully love 2 extra children not knowing when their last day in our home will be. I can't serve my husband as though I were serving Jesus when at the end of the day I am holding on by a thread. I just don't have it in me.
Today was one of those days. He let me come to the end of myself. I can't do anything He has asked of me. I can't. I don't have what it takes in my natural ability or giftings.
After crying out to Him begging for strength and mercy...He reminded me through Romans that His grace is what saved me and His grace is what I must rely on every moment of every good and bad day. He is able to keep all of His promises to me. He is able to to make His grace abound towards me in my moments of weakness and trial and sin. If He gave His Son for me while I was His enemy, how much more now that I have been adopted by Him, does He lavish His love and grace on me.
I will never understand how He loves me the way He does. I will never understand how come He keeps calling me to partner with Him to love and serve and be poured out in the same way He was...I am not worthy. I will never understand why He is so patient and long suffering even when I stubbornly try to go outside of Him to find satisfaction for my soul. I will never understand how come this awesome and wonderful and mighty God has given me, of all people, such honor and purpose and unlimited chances when I fail so much. I am choosing to accept the mystery of not understanding. I don't have to fully understand, I simply must worship Him for the greatness of who He is and live in humility at His feet seeking Him with all that I am. I want to want Him, I want to obey Him, I want to depend on Him, I want to lose myself completely inside of His Son so that He can be more glorified through my messy and broken life!!!!
I want for my heart to know that His grace is sufficent for me today, tomorrow and every day after that...
Monday, July 11, 2011
Help a Sweet Foster Child Feed 100 Orphans
Sweet Lexi walked into our room this Wednesday night. I have some presents for the Orphans! She said with excitement. In her hands was a plastic container filled with various treasures. On the top of the container the name Dresdon was marked out and below she had written “Orphans”. I was so blessed when I looked inside. There was a makeup bag filled with all the money she had saved, some notebooks, some toys and two bags of crackers. The crackers by far were what she was most excited about. She asked Shanna “How many girls are there at the orphanage?” Shanna replied 40 or so. He face went a little sad “I guess they will have to share. I heard you talk about how they only eat rice and sauce and I thought they would really like to eat something different”.
Fast Forward to Sunday night bible study. Shanna was setting at the table telling several persons the story of Lexi’s generosity. When it got to the part about the crackers someone said “that reminds me of the story of the little boy with the loaves and fishes that Jesus used to feed the 5 thousand”. When those words where spoke I knew that God wanted to use Lexi’s crackeers to feed the orphans. Before I knew it I spoke out and said we need to sell those crackers for her so she can feed the orphans. A few people laughed and I felt a little embarrassed. I could not escape the thought though. As me and Shanna left I asked her how many crackers Lexi had donated. “I do not know,” she replied. I told her go home and count them. I told her we need to sell them and let Lexi buy fruit and eggs (we have received no donations for fruit and eggs for this trip) for the orphans for while you are in Africa. She went home and counted. There were 13. Exactly how many days she will be there.
This is where you come in. HA! I feel stupid asking for this but I want to ask you to help a sweet foster child see that The One that adopted her can feed 100 orphans for 13 days through her offering of 13 crackers. Please pray about donating $100 per cracker to Komeo ministry. Each cracker will be one day of fruit and eggs for 102 children. This will be tax deductible and yes I will give you the cracker. This is the kicker though. The team is leaving on Wednesday so you will have to contact. Shana Rutz, Shanna Crawford, Amy Kernel or me and let me know as quick as you can. 100% of your money will go to fruit and eggs than Shana and Shanna will be buying this week for the children.
In His Service,
Jerome Crawford
405.618.7055
Shanna Crawford
570.5334
Shana Rutz
405.659.6802
Amy Kernal
405.537.0451
Fast Forward to Sunday night bible study. Shanna was setting at the table telling several persons the story of Lexi’s generosity. When it got to the part about the crackers someone said “that reminds me of the story of the little boy with the loaves and fishes that Jesus used to feed the 5 thousand”. When those words where spoke I knew that God wanted to use Lexi’s crackeers to feed the orphans. Before I knew it I spoke out and said we need to sell those crackers for her so she can feed the orphans. A few people laughed and I felt a little embarrassed. I could not escape the thought though. As me and Shanna left I asked her how many crackers Lexi had donated. “I do not know,” she replied. I told her go home and count them. I told her we need to sell them and let Lexi buy fruit and eggs (we have received no donations for fruit and eggs for this trip) for the orphans for while you are in Africa. She went home and counted. There were 13. Exactly how many days she will be there.
This is where you come in. HA! I feel stupid asking for this but I want to ask you to help a sweet foster child see that The One that adopted her can feed 100 orphans for 13 days through her offering of 13 crackers. Please pray about donating $100 per cracker to Komeo ministry. Each cracker will be one day of fruit and eggs for 102 children. This will be tax deductible and yes I will give you the cracker. This is the kicker though. The team is leaving on Wednesday so you will have to contact. Shana Rutz, Shanna Crawford, Amy Kernel or me and let me know as quick as you can. 100% of your money will go to fruit and eggs than Shana and Shanna will be buying this week for the children.
In His Service,
Jerome Crawford
405.618.7055
Shanna Crawford
570.5334
Shana Rutz
405.659.6802
Amy Kernal
405.537.0451
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Daily Giving Up EVERYTHING!
"Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." Jesus
What does it look like to follow Jesus. Giving up everything. EVERYTHING?!?! It means I must completely lose my life for His sake to truly find my life. And little by little I am dying to myself, letting my life go and finding a truer more glorious life inside of Christ.
What does giving up everything really mean? As for me, it means putting everything on the alter...my hopes, dreams, desires, money, time, influence, resources...everything is His to use in whatever way He chooses. This is where I want to live. I don't want to draw lines in the sand and tell Him, you can not ask me to cross this line, I am at my limit. I don't even know my limit. I don't even know my own heart. I don't even know myself.
So today, I am entrusting all that I am to all that He is and asking Him to have full reign. I want to be poured out, serving Him in various ways with the gifts He has given me. I want to live for His approval alone, counting every praise from man as nothing compared to knowing my Lord is pleased with me. I want to worship Him in opening my home to strangers, I want to glorify Him in teaching my children why a lady bug has spots, I want to magnify Him as I wash my husband's dirty laundry. I want to open my ears to hear His voice and follow where He leads...working when I need to work, resting when I need to rest, playing when I need to play. I want to let Him have complete control...looking to Him moment by moment for the agenda of my day. I have many plans in my own heart, but I offer them up for His plans. I want my life to count for eternity today and tomorrow...and the next day.
Lord, have your way. I give up everything I am today to follow you. I want to be your disciple more than I want to get my checklist done, more than I want to see my hope's come to pass, more than I want to have a perfectly clean house, more than I want quiet, mild-mannered children :) Lord, today I want you more than I want life itself today!!!
What does it look like to follow Jesus. Giving up everything. EVERYTHING?!?! It means I must completely lose my life for His sake to truly find my life. And little by little I am dying to myself, letting my life go and finding a truer more glorious life inside of Christ.
What does giving up everything really mean? As for me, it means putting everything on the alter...my hopes, dreams, desires, money, time, influence, resources...everything is His to use in whatever way He chooses. This is where I want to live. I don't want to draw lines in the sand and tell Him, you can not ask me to cross this line, I am at my limit. I don't even know my limit. I don't even know my own heart. I don't even know myself.
So today, I am entrusting all that I am to all that He is and asking Him to have full reign. I want to be poured out, serving Him in various ways with the gifts He has given me. I want to live for His approval alone, counting every praise from man as nothing compared to knowing my Lord is pleased with me. I want to worship Him in opening my home to strangers, I want to glorify Him in teaching my children why a lady bug has spots, I want to magnify Him as I wash my husband's dirty laundry. I want to open my ears to hear His voice and follow where He leads...working when I need to work, resting when I need to rest, playing when I need to play. I want to let Him have complete control...looking to Him moment by moment for the agenda of my day. I have many plans in my own heart, but I offer them up for His plans. I want my life to count for eternity today and tomorrow...and the next day.
Lord, have your way. I give up everything I am today to follow you. I want to be your disciple more than I want to get my checklist done, more than I want to see my hope's come to pass, more than I want to have a perfectly clean house, more than I want quiet, mild-mannered children :) Lord, today I want you more than I want life itself today!!!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
He is over all!
God has asked more of me than I thought I could ever give. I am completely under qualified and unequipped to do anything He has called me to...from the simplest of things to the most complex.
I do not have enough resources, time, energy or wisdom to carry out His will for my life...but He does. He is over all...He is more than enough.
My heart has been crying out for relief. I am realizing I am not super-woman. I am drowning in my weakness.
Even now...floating around in my mind are thoughts from the laundry needing to be done to the people and situations I need to spend concentrated time in prayer for.
Everything is moving from order to disorder on the outside. But inside I am alive. My flesh is being crushed and His Spirit within me is crying out for me to be poured out even more as a living sacrifice.
He is speaking to me in loud and quiet ways. From friends stocking my cabinets with food to feed the extra little people in our home, to the clear illumination as I read His word. He is speaking to my heart to bow down lower, to lose myself even more inside of His Son, to pour myself out for His glory and to make Him known in this earth.
I repent for not rejoicing in all that He is. I am asking Him to renew my heart and give me the grace to let Him have His way in every single part of me. I am choosing to cast aside the bothersome thoughts of unfinished chores and unanswered emails. I am looking into His beautiful face and laughing at the days to come...because after all, my life is not my own, it was bought with a price. I will let go of every idol I hold dear to embrace the cross. I will lay myself down here on the alter and trust Him to do whatever He chooses through this life He has given me as a gift.
If you happen to be reading this, help me through your prayers. He never intended for us to carry our burdens alone. He has given us His Spirit and each other. May we give Him full reign in our lives!!!
I do not have enough resources, time, energy or wisdom to carry out His will for my life...but He does. He is over all...He is more than enough.
My heart has been crying out for relief. I am realizing I am not super-woman. I am drowning in my weakness.
Even now...floating around in my mind are thoughts from the laundry needing to be done to the people and situations I need to spend concentrated time in prayer for.
Everything is moving from order to disorder on the outside. But inside I am alive. My flesh is being crushed and His Spirit within me is crying out for me to be poured out even more as a living sacrifice.
He is speaking to me in loud and quiet ways. From friends stocking my cabinets with food to feed the extra little people in our home, to the clear illumination as I read His word. He is speaking to my heart to bow down lower, to lose myself even more inside of His Son, to pour myself out for His glory and to make Him known in this earth.
I repent for not rejoicing in all that He is. I am asking Him to renew my heart and give me the grace to let Him have His way in every single part of me. I am choosing to cast aside the bothersome thoughts of unfinished chores and unanswered emails. I am looking into His beautiful face and laughing at the days to come...because after all, my life is not my own, it was bought with a price. I will let go of every idol I hold dear to embrace the cross. I will lay myself down here on the alter and trust Him to do whatever He chooses through this life He has given me as a gift.
If you happen to be reading this, help me through your prayers. He never intended for us to carry our burdens alone. He has given us His Spirit and each other. May we give Him full reign in our lives!!!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
HE HAS ADOPTED ME!!!
This was written by my amazing husband!
I was on my way! Head phones in listening to Passion 2011! I was excited as I worshiped! You see last time I went to Lexi’s school I brought pizza for one mother, her 2 kids, Lexi and one of her friends. Several parents and teachers approached me and asked questions about Lexi. I explained that God was leading me to do this as a way to honor Lexi and to help her make friends at her new school. I was able to point them to God and what God has done! This time I was bringing pizza for 24 kids. Tears of joy and amazement trickled down my face as I thought of giving God Glory through honoring Lexi. Then God brought a thought to my mind, “Get Lexi a rose just like last time”. I hesitated, “I cannot afford it...the pizza is already about $50”. Then I pulled up to Little Caesars on 33rd right next door to Jamba Juice. “Get Lexi a smoothie”. There was the thought in my head again! (Lexi loves smoothies!) I got the Berry banana smoothie, 7 pizzas, 4 two-liters of pop, 1 red rose and arrived at John Ross.
I was surprised as one of the teachers said, “Hey Jerome” as I walked by her?? How does she know who I am? Then I entered the office (without the pizza). “Where are the pizzas?” they asked as I walked into the office. How did they know? I walked out into the hallway and another teacher was walking by, “Lexi’s class will be here in 5 minutes” she said. Then I realized that everyone knew AND everyone was excited! I however was the most excited because I knew that God was getting glorified and even the teachers were talking about what He was doing!
Just then Lexis class started walking in the door. “There is Lexi's Dad!” One of them called in excitement! A few kids cheered and were waving me over to them. HAHAHA. Then sweet Lexi walked in, she ran straight toward me lunging for the rose in my hand. “A rose!” she said with excitement! Her face looked like it would explode with joy. Then I carried the pizza to her class table. I wanted to share God with all the kids but I realized I could not just start preaching so I decided to just serve. For 30 minutes I marched back and forth getting orders for drinks and types of pizza. I noticed that Lexi was so excited that she was not eating her ham and pineapple pizza so I asked her if she wanted to help. She smiled really big and said yes. So we served. The kids kept saying thank you. I wanted so badly to say, "thank Jesus not me!" But I knew I needed to just serve. Every kid got all the pizza they needed and there was exactly three pieces left for me at the end. Then came the pinnacle of the day!
Lexi looked at me and said “show everyone your finger” (thank God for shooting off my finger! HAHA). I held up my finger and kids ran over to see my hand. “That was before you were a Christian when you were a bad guy huh? said one little, cute girl. I replied yes and then she said, “God shot it off because you hated Him huh?” HAHAHA I wanted to say “no he shot it off because He loved me and because He knew that this moment would come,” but I did not. Instead I explained that I was making bad choices and put myself in bad situations because I did not know God. Then I told her that I love God now more than anything and that is why I am bringing pizza for Lexi and her friends. Lexi was laughing for joy as I answered all the questions. Then she did something so awesome! Glory to His name! In response to me saying God love was leading me to bring pizza she started singing and dancing! Spinning in a circle singing “that’s why he adopted me! Because God loves me! “that’s why he adopted me! Because God loves me! Again another kid asked me, “Why did you bring us pizza?” I answered and again Lexi stated singing and dancing again, “That’s why he adopted me! Because God loves me!" Oh what joy filled my heart with her! I wanted to cry out, “God loves me and that is why He adopted me!" (just for the record we have not adopted Lexi. She has a mother that is working on getting her back but we love her as our own and she feels like she is part of our family).
As I dove back to work I sobbed for joy! My shirt was wet like I just ran a mile in the middle of summer. “HE HAS ADOPTED ME AND HE USES ME!!!!” A couple of things came to mind as I worshiped.
1. God uses me! What a great gift! There is no greater pleasure on earth except realizing His presence! I would not trade these moments for anything. If you offered me a new car, a vacation to Hawaii with my beautifu,l wonderful wife for the moment I saw His Gory as Lexi danced and sang for joy, I would laugh at you! I would be a fool to trade that moment for anything. It is where I belong! It is what I long for!!!!
2. Our God is amazing!!! Oh how I love Him!! He is aware of every atom in the universe and holds every neutron in its orbit by His concise thought and yet He cares so much for a little girl that is going through a hard time that he dances for joy as she realizes His Love!!!! ” He is the one that was serving those children and bringing Lexi that rose!! HOW BEAUTIFUL HE IS!! HOW HARD HE WORKS TO SHOW US THAT HE HAS ADOPTED US!!! HOW HE HAS LABORED TO REACH US!!! THE BLOOD OF THE HOLY ONE WAS SPILLED SO THERE WOULD BE NO DOUBT!! SO WE COULD SING AND DANCE AND SAY “HE HAS ADOPED ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME”
I was on my way! Head phones in listening to Passion 2011! I was excited as I worshiped! You see last time I went to Lexi’s school I brought pizza for one mother, her 2 kids, Lexi and one of her friends. Several parents and teachers approached me and asked questions about Lexi. I explained that God was leading me to do this as a way to honor Lexi and to help her make friends at her new school. I was able to point them to God and what God has done! This time I was bringing pizza for 24 kids. Tears of joy and amazement trickled down my face as I thought of giving God Glory through honoring Lexi. Then God brought a thought to my mind, “Get Lexi a rose just like last time”. I hesitated, “I cannot afford it...the pizza is already about $50”. Then I pulled up to Little Caesars on 33rd right next door to Jamba Juice. “Get Lexi a smoothie”. There was the thought in my head again! (Lexi loves smoothies!) I got the Berry banana smoothie, 7 pizzas, 4 two-liters of pop, 1 red rose and arrived at John Ross.
I was surprised as one of the teachers said, “Hey Jerome” as I walked by her?? How does she know who I am? Then I entered the office (without the pizza). “Where are the pizzas?” they asked as I walked into the office. How did they know? I walked out into the hallway and another teacher was walking by, “Lexi’s class will be here in 5 minutes” she said. Then I realized that everyone knew AND everyone was excited! I however was the most excited because I knew that God was getting glorified and even the teachers were talking about what He was doing!
Just then Lexis class started walking in the door. “There is Lexi's Dad!” One of them called in excitement! A few kids cheered and were waving me over to them. HAHAHA. Then sweet Lexi walked in, she ran straight toward me lunging for the rose in my hand. “A rose!” she said with excitement! Her face looked like it would explode with joy. Then I carried the pizza to her class table. I wanted to share God with all the kids but I realized I could not just start preaching so I decided to just serve. For 30 minutes I marched back and forth getting orders for drinks and types of pizza. I noticed that Lexi was so excited that she was not eating her ham and pineapple pizza so I asked her if she wanted to help. She smiled really big and said yes. So we served. The kids kept saying thank you. I wanted so badly to say, "thank Jesus not me!" But I knew I needed to just serve. Every kid got all the pizza they needed and there was exactly three pieces left for me at the end. Then came the pinnacle of the day!
Lexi looked at me and said “show everyone your finger” (thank God for shooting off my finger! HAHA). I held up my finger and kids ran over to see my hand. “That was before you were a Christian when you were a bad guy huh? said one little, cute girl. I replied yes and then she said, “God shot it off because you hated Him huh?” HAHAHA I wanted to say “no he shot it off because He loved me and because He knew that this moment would come,” but I did not. Instead I explained that I was making bad choices and put myself in bad situations because I did not know God. Then I told her that I love God now more than anything and that is why I am bringing pizza for Lexi and her friends. Lexi was laughing for joy as I answered all the questions. Then she did something so awesome! Glory to His name! In response to me saying God love was leading me to bring pizza she started singing and dancing! Spinning in a circle singing “that’s why he adopted me! Because God loves me! “that’s why he adopted me! Because God loves me! Again another kid asked me, “Why did you bring us pizza?” I answered and again Lexi stated singing and dancing again, “That’s why he adopted me! Because God loves me!" Oh what joy filled my heart with her! I wanted to cry out, “God loves me and that is why He adopted me!" (just for the record we have not adopted Lexi. She has a mother that is working on getting her back but we love her as our own and she feels like she is part of our family).
As I dove back to work I sobbed for joy! My shirt was wet like I just ran a mile in the middle of summer. “HE HAS ADOPTED ME AND HE USES ME!!!!” A couple of things came to mind as I worshiped.
1. God uses me! What a great gift! There is no greater pleasure on earth except realizing His presence! I would not trade these moments for anything. If you offered me a new car, a vacation to Hawaii with my beautifu,l wonderful wife for the moment I saw His Gory as Lexi danced and sang for joy, I would laugh at you! I would be a fool to trade that moment for anything. It is where I belong! It is what I long for!!!!
2. Our God is amazing!!! Oh how I love Him!! He is aware of every atom in the universe and holds every neutron in its orbit by His concise thought and yet He cares so much for a little girl that is going through a hard time that he dances for joy as she realizes His Love!!!! ” He is the one that was serving those children and bringing Lexi that rose!! HOW BEAUTIFUL HE IS!! HOW HARD HE WORKS TO SHOW US THAT HE HAS ADOPTED US!!! HOW HE HAS LABORED TO REACH US!!! THE BLOOD OF THE HOLY ONE WAS SPILLED SO THERE WOULD BE NO DOUBT!! SO WE COULD SING AND DANCE AND SAY “HE HAS ADOPED ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME”
Worship Him in Spirit and in Truth
I snuck into the library one afternoon to have a worship time while I was staying in the orphanage. While I was worshipping I text Jerome, he was worshipping the same God at the same time even though an ocean was between us. I love that His Spirit inside of us connects us beyond space and time which I'm in Africa. I love that man so much! I love our God so much! Here is our un-edited, non-spell checked text-worship to God ;)
Me: He is my Refuge! He is my Strength! He is faithful! As I pour out my heart these things I remember! Let faith arise!
Jerome: Show me Your hart! Show me Your ways! Show me Your glory! Show me Your hart! Show me Your ways! Show me Your glory! Show me Your hart! Show me Your ways! Show me Your glory! Fire fall down on us we pray!
Me: Yes Lord, we want your ways, your heart and your glory! Nothing else!!!
Jerome: We are satisfied inYou!!!!! Why would we need anything else but Your beauty and presence! It makes my hart want to burst like a dam in a hurricane!!!!!!
Me: Nothing compares to Him! Nothing is more important than drawing near to Him! Whatever it takes to draw us near we welcome!!! There is never a reason to rush in and out of His Presence! May we sit and soak in all He has for us!
Jerome: We want You more than our lives! We want You! For You we would be shamed in the Worlds eyes. May they label us fools as we seek You daily! May they call us insane as we give every thought to You!! May that see that we are obsessed!!!!
Me: He is all that matters! May our whole lives be a living sacrifices! May we daily take up our cross and follow Him! Losing our lives so that we gain Christ!!! We ask for forgiveness, grace and mercy and you freely give it...you lavishly love us, your children. You are the Beautiful One!!!
Jerome: Please give us more of You! We are desperate for more of You!!!!!!! You are good beyond measure!!! AND MY HART LONGS TO GIVE YOU PLEASURE!!!!! LET US BRING YOU GLORY!!
Me: Yes Lord, let us be a delight to you! Let us know we are pleasing to you! Let our passion bring you fame!!! Let our love for you draw the lost to your beautiful Name!!!!
Jerome: How I long to praise you!!!! To tell of Your beauty!!! And how amazing it is that You delight in our praise!! We are so messed up!!! BUT YOU MAKE EVERYTHING WE DO PERFECT!!! HOW AMAZING!!! Please give us more !!!
Me: Oh what comfort this brings!!! He is working everything together for our good as we seek to do His will! He make beautiful things out of dust! His grace is sufficient for our broken lives!
If you are married, make Christ the center of your marriage. If you are single, choose a man who is consumed with Christ! I could not imagine being married to someone who dud not share my great love for my great God!!!!
Me: He is my Refuge! He is my Strength! He is faithful! As I pour out my heart these things I remember! Let faith arise!
Jerome: Show me Your hart! Show me Your ways! Show me Your glory! Show me Your hart! Show me Your ways! Show me Your glory! Show me Your hart! Show me Your ways! Show me Your glory! Fire fall down on us we pray!
Me: Yes Lord, we want your ways, your heart and your glory! Nothing else!!!
Jerome: We are satisfied inYou!!!!! Why would we need anything else but Your beauty and presence! It makes my hart want to burst like a dam in a hurricane!!!!!!
Me: Nothing compares to Him! Nothing is more important than drawing near to Him! Whatever it takes to draw us near we welcome!!! There is never a reason to rush in and out of His Presence! May we sit and soak in all He has for us!
Jerome: We want You more than our lives! We want You! For You we would be shamed in the Worlds eyes. May they label us fools as we seek You daily! May they call us insane as we give every thought to You!! May that see that we are obsessed!!!!
Me: He is all that matters! May our whole lives be a living sacrifices! May we daily take up our cross and follow Him! Losing our lives so that we gain Christ!!! We ask for forgiveness, grace and mercy and you freely give it...you lavishly love us, your children. You are the Beautiful One!!!
Jerome: Please give us more of You! We are desperate for more of You!!!!!!! You are good beyond measure!!! AND MY HART LONGS TO GIVE YOU PLEASURE!!!!! LET US BRING YOU GLORY!!
Me: Yes Lord, let us be a delight to you! Let us know we are pleasing to you! Let our passion bring you fame!!! Let our love for you draw the lost to your beautiful Name!!!!
Jerome: How I long to praise you!!!! To tell of Your beauty!!! And how amazing it is that You delight in our praise!! We are so messed up!!! BUT YOU MAKE EVERYTHING WE DO PERFECT!!! HOW AMAZING!!! Please give us more !!!
Me: Oh what comfort this brings!!! He is working everything together for our good as we seek to do His will! He make beautiful things out of dust! His grace is sufficient for our broken lives!
If you are married, make Christ the center of your marriage. If you are single, choose a man who is consumed with Christ! I could not imagine being married to someone who dud not share my great love for my great God!!!!
HE IS CONSTANTLY HERE WITH US!
Lexi and her brother Dresden have been living with us since I came home from Africa. We are fostering these children while her mom has a new baby and transitions back into being a mom full time. When I pulled into the parking lot to take Lexi into her new school the song by Charlie Hall titled, Constantly Here With Us came on the CD I was listening to. I looked in my rear view mirror and could tell Lexi was sad. I asked her if she was listening to the words of the song, if she knew that God was constantly here with her. I asked her if she believed that when I left her with her new teacher that Jesus would not leave her, but instead be with her every second of the day until I picked her up. She said yes. I asked her who is the One Person who would never leave or forsake her. She whispered, God. OH MY GOODNESS...how my heart was made alive through her simple, child-like faith. It was so hard to drop her off...even though I knew Dad-Jerome would be there in 3 hours to bring her chicken strips and a vanilla shake and eat lunch with her in the cafeteria. I drove off with so many emotions. Once I felt settled in Him, I get a call from my husband asking me to edit a note he wrote for Lexi so he could give it to her when they had their lunch date this afternoon. Here is what he wrote:
To Sweet Lexi,
I want to tell you that the God has filled my heart with Love for you. I will do everything I can to protect and cherish you. I want to show you the gentle love that Jesus has for you. I am very happy that God has brought you to our house. I look forward to us all doing many things as a family.
I am here for you as best that I can be. If you need someone to read to you, I will do it. If you need someone to pray with you, I will do it. If you need someone to talk to, I will listen. If you need anything, I will try to provide. I am however limited. But there is one thing that I want to do more than anything else… To show you that there is a GOD who‘s love for you has no limits! Who is with you no matter where you are. I pray that you will see Jesus in the things that I do! I pray that you realize that everything we do is because His love for you fills us!
He is the one who created the furthest star but He also created your smile and every curly hair on your head! You are His masterpiece and His thoughts are always on you. He knows your every thought and every feeling in your heart! Remember to pray to Him! He is there with you in everything you do and will make sense out of everything in your life. He will grow you into a great woman filled with Love and Joy if you will set your life on Him!
This is what I want to show you more than anything else!! That He loves you with a Love as strong as a river and that is why He has brought you to our house!
Love,
God Dad Jerome
OK, you guys, really. I have the most amazing husband, the most amazing life and best of all the most amazing God who has made my next breath possible. I can not tell you how full my heart is of love for HIM!
I love that we are all one family in Christ. I love that we can help parent and love children all over the world if we choose. I love that we can reach out to single moms,orphans, the fatherless, our neighbors, the lost and hurting and make a real difference because He lives inside of us. I love that if we lose our lives for His sake that we find true life in Jesus!
I do not deserve to have this beautiful life....and yet it makes me love Him so much more!
If I tagged you in this note it is because we wanted to fill you in on the new thing that God is doing in our lives.
To Sweet Lexi,
I want to tell you that the God has filled my heart with Love for you. I will do everything I can to protect and cherish you. I want to show you the gentle love that Jesus has for you. I am very happy that God has brought you to our house. I look forward to us all doing many things as a family.
I am here for you as best that I can be. If you need someone to read to you, I will do it. If you need someone to pray with you, I will do it. If you need someone to talk to, I will listen. If you need anything, I will try to provide. I am however limited. But there is one thing that I want to do more than anything else… To show you that there is a GOD who‘s love for you has no limits! Who is with you no matter where you are. I pray that you will see Jesus in the things that I do! I pray that you realize that everything we do is because His love for you fills us!
He is the one who created the furthest star but He also created your smile and every curly hair on your head! You are His masterpiece and His thoughts are always on you. He knows your every thought and every feeling in your heart! Remember to pray to Him! He is there with you in everything you do and will make sense out of everything in your life. He will grow you into a great woman filled with Love and Joy if you will set your life on Him!
This is what I want to show you more than anything else!! That He loves you with a Love as strong as a river and that is why He has brought you to our house!
Love,
God Dad Jerome
OK, you guys, really. I have the most amazing husband, the most amazing life and best of all the most amazing God who has made my next breath possible. I can not tell you how full my heart is of love for HIM!
I love that we are all one family in Christ. I love that we can help parent and love children all over the world if we choose. I love that we can reach out to single moms,orphans, the fatherless, our neighbors, the lost and hurting and make a real difference because He lives inside of us. I love that if we lose our lives for His sake that we find true life in Jesus!
I do not deserve to have this beautiful life....and yet it makes me love Him so much more!
If I tagged you in this note it is because we wanted to fill you in on the new thing that God is doing in our lives.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Christ's Love Compels Me
So much is going on in and around me. I am preparing to leave to visit 100 orphans in Sierra Leone Africa and I am so excited to be with them again I can hardly stand it! They have become part of our family and I have become part of theirs. With all of the last minute preparations I feel anxiety trying to rise up and non-eternal things to dominate my thoughts. I decided to fight this battle with worship and time in His Presence this morning. Is Isaiah it says the man whose mind is fixed on Him is kept in perfect peace. So I am asking Him to consume my thoughts!
I had the joy of helping host a baby shower yesterday for a precious single mom with 3 children and one on the way. She is a new christian and had only a handful of friends she knew to invite. I thought of Jesus throwing a party and going into the streets to invite anyone who would come sit and dine with him enjoying His fellowship. I invited all the friends I knew to come love on my sweet friend. I invited them not because they knew her but because they loved her, not even having met her, with a love that flowed from Christ living inside of them. And to my surprise MANY of them came. Several pockets of them did not even know each other. It was a beautiful display of the parties Christ throws for us in different seasons of our lives!
As I talked with Shannon later that evening she told me how darling my friends were and how sad she was that none of her friends came. I was able to share with her that God sets the lonely in families. When our old friends do not follow us into our new life in Christ, He has a new family waiting for us with open arms. My friends are now instantly her friends because we are part of the same spiritual family! She expressed sadness over the little girl growing in her tummy not having a dadddy. Again, I was able to share with her that HE is a Father to the fatherless. He will also be a father to her children through my husband and other men in the body of Christ. We will help raise her children.
When I went to stay in an orphanage in Sierra Leone, Africa for the first time almost 3 years ago, I went out of sheer obedience. I have returned the other 6 times because Christ's love for orphans and widows compels me!
There are MANY single moms right here in our own country, communities and churches whose children do not have fathers who are supporting them financially, emotionally or leading them spiritually. These single moms are some of our American widows. Children whose daddy's leave and pay little or no attention to them are our American orphans. God has called us to care for them in a special way so those children will grow up knowing how much He loves them and has not forgotten them. Also so these moms will know Jesus as their husband. I believe He has called us to take these moms and their children into our families, homes and hearts so they will not be lonely and left out.
This is what Jesus does with us. We are all orphaned, widowed, and lonely until we give our lives to Him and He brings us into His family. Ultimately Jesus is our Husband, we are His bride. He is our Father. No matter how great of an earthly daddy we have, he will never compare to our perfect Father in heaven who our soul longs to have fellowship with.
I was raised by a single mom. I had a dad who was never around...still isn't. My brother's dad was never around either. He still has never met him. I was not raised in a Christian home. My brother and I did not grow up learning about Jesus and His love and care for us. My brother and I went down a long road of pain and destruction and watched my mom do the same before I gave my life to Christ in 1996 and my mom shortly after...and then my brother shortly after that.
Now we all love the Lord and go to church and worship Him together. But I can't help but wonder how different things might have been if the body of Christ would have reached out to my mom and her little family in those early stages and drew us into His spiritual family. Now please understand I am not complaining because to have one day with the Lord is better than none! We had a long legacy of addiction, abuse, crime, and more in my family. Now my mom, brother, uncle, cousin, and our families worship together every week. We all lived in deep darkness and were brought into His wonderful light! Now we are leaving our children behind a godly heritage filled with the goodness of the Lord! But this drives me on to want to see His freedom in other people's lives who have a legacy of the hurt and pain of sin. It drives me to want to be used as an instrument in the hand of our mighty God to bring about lasting change where there has been devastation!
I have had the joy of watching my husband be a father to many children, not just the 3 I carried in my womb. He has said yes time after time when I have asked to bring people into our home to live with us. Some he had never even met. May more and more men in the church also rise up in the name of Christ and be a father to the fatherless. May we come along side the lonely and hurting and be Jesus to them. May we bring them into our families and show them how much God loves and cares for them with our actions and our words!
So as I get ready to go be a mommy to sweet African children in Sierra Leone, may I not forget all those who need love and support here in America when I return. And I APPLAUD the MANY I see BEING Jesus with me. Your example spurs me on. Thank you body of Christ! I am so blessed to be a part of such an amazing spiritual family!
I had the joy of helping host a baby shower yesterday for a precious single mom with 3 children and one on the way. She is a new christian and had only a handful of friends she knew to invite. I thought of Jesus throwing a party and going into the streets to invite anyone who would come sit and dine with him enjoying His fellowship. I invited all the friends I knew to come love on my sweet friend. I invited them not because they knew her but because they loved her, not even having met her, with a love that flowed from Christ living inside of them. And to my surprise MANY of them came. Several pockets of them did not even know each other. It was a beautiful display of the parties Christ throws for us in different seasons of our lives!
As I talked with Shannon later that evening she told me how darling my friends were and how sad she was that none of her friends came. I was able to share with her that God sets the lonely in families. When our old friends do not follow us into our new life in Christ, He has a new family waiting for us with open arms. My friends are now instantly her friends because we are part of the same spiritual family! She expressed sadness over the little girl growing in her tummy not having a dadddy. Again, I was able to share with her that HE is a Father to the fatherless. He will also be a father to her children through my husband and other men in the body of Christ. We will help raise her children.
When I went to stay in an orphanage in Sierra Leone, Africa for the first time almost 3 years ago, I went out of sheer obedience. I have returned the other 6 times because Christ's love for orphans and widows compels me!
There are MANY single moms right here in our own country, communities and churches whose children do not have fathers who are supporting them financially, emotionally or leading them spiritually. These single moms are some of our American widows. Children whose daddy's leave and pay little or no attention to them are our American orphans. God has called us to care for them in a special way so those children will grow up knowing how much He loves them and has not forgotten them. Also so these moms will know Jesus as their husband. I believe He has called us to take these moms and their children into our families, homes and hearts so they will not be lonely and left out.
This is what Jesus does with us. We are all orphaned, widowed, and lonely until we give our lives to Him and He brings us into His family. Ultimately Jesus is our Husband, we are His bride. He is our Father. No matter how great of an earthly daddy we have, he will never compare to our perfect Father in heaven who our soul longs to have fellowship with.
I was raised by a single mom. I had a dad who was never around...still isn't. My brother's dad was never around either. He still has never met him. I was not raised in a Christian home. My brother and I did not grow up learning about Jesus and His love and care for us. My brother and I went down a long road of pain and destruction and watched my mom do the same before I gave my life to Christ in 1996 and my mom shortly after...and then my brother shortly after that.
Now we all love the Lord and go to church and worship Him together. But I can't help but wonder how different things might have been if the body of Christ would have reached out to my mom and her little family in those early stages and drew us into His spiritual family. Now please understand I am not complaining because to have one day with the Lord is better than none! We had a long legacy of addiction, abuse, crime, and more in my family. Now my mom, brother, uncle, cousin, and our families worship together every week. We all lived in deep darkness and were brought into His wonderful light! Now we are leaving our children behind a godly heritage filled with the goodness of the Lord! But this drives me on to want to see His freedom in other people's lives who have a legacy of the hurt and pain of sin. It drives me to want to be used as an instrument in the hand of our mighty God to bring about lasting change where there has been devastation!
I have had the joy of watching my husband be a father to many children, not just the 3 I carried in my womb. He has said yes time after time when I have asked to bring people into our home to live with us. Some he had never even met. May more and more men in the church also rise up in the name of Christ and be a father to the fatherless. May we come along side the lonely and hurting and be Jesus to them. May we bring them into our families and show them how much God loves and cares for them with our actions and our words!
So as I get ready to go be a mommy to sweet African children in Sierra Leone, may I not forget all those who need love and support here in America when I return. And I APPLAUD the MANY I see BEING Jesus with me. Your example spurs me on. Thank you body of Christ! I am so blessed to be a part of such an amazing spiritual family!
Monday, February 14, 2011
I was the sinful woman.
A friend sent me a text yesterday morning telling me that she had read Luke 7 during her time alone with the Lord. I decided to read it also. Even though I have read Luke many times, these scriptures washed over me anew and stuck with me all day.
Part of this chapter gives the account of the sinful woman who anoints Jesus with her tears mixed with expensive perfume in an extravagant act of worship. All that is said about her is that she had a reputation for her sinful lifestyle. My imagination can fill in the blanks.
I was her. I carried the reputation of the common day 'sinful woman.' My sins were not secret, they were out in the open for everyone to see. Even though I had terrible shame for the lifestyle I lived, I was powerless to live any other way. But then, I met Jesus...
When I was reading about this woman's interaction with the Lord I thought so much of my own first interactions with Him. She was obviously ashamed because she stood behind Him, not even able to look him in the eye. But she was desperate enough that she went right up to Him in the house of those who were 'religious.' Her worshipful weeping at His feet is incredibly beautiful to me. When I first came to Him, I spent days crying, praying, singing, reading His word and writing love letters to Him. I could not contain myself. Though my sins were many, and though I had so much shame, in the middle of my worship He would turn His face toward me and tell me, "Your sins are forgiven."
Jesus, the Son of God, the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world, told me, of all people, 14 years ago that MY SINS ARE FORGIVEN! I had lived as long as my memories started blanketed in shame. As a young girl I started giving myself away hoping to get love in return. As a teenager I ended up dancing in topless clubs for men and addicted to cocaine along with every other drug. I lived that lifestyle for years. But in one desperate act of worship I fell at His feet, and Jesus turned to me and said, "Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you, go in peace." He knew me. He knew better than I did how I ended up at that place. He knew everything that was working against me to destroy my life and in one moment in time, by His powerful will, He stopped it all! He redirected the course of my life. He made me holy and pure though my sins were many and my shame ran deep.
Jesus did more than forgive the sinful woman, he honored her by commending her acts of worship in front of Simon. He pointed out that the one forgiven of the greater debt loves more. He told Simon that because the woman had been forgiven of much she was expressing her great love for Him by her extravagant and unashamed worship.
Oh how I can relate with this woman. Years later, I am still very aware that Jesus paid for my great debt. One I could never pay and that He did not owe. My sins were many and He forgave them all and took away my shame, nailing it to the cross. I love Him for this, SO MUCH! My heart is full of worship for Him, my great Redeemer. What started out as a simple faith in Jesus as the son of God, the only One who could forgive my sins and give me Salvation has grown with experience and knowledge of the scriptures over time. The more I understand the price He paid for my freedom and forgiveness, the more I worship Him. So instead of my love diminishing through the years, it only grows bigger and stronger. I can worship Him boldly and extravagantly without any shame. I can love Him greatly and deeply because of He loved me first.
I know my worship has value to Him. In fact it is all I have to offer Him that noone else can give. He can not get MY love, affection, praise and adoration from anyone else...and may I never hold this back from Him after all He has done for me.
Yes, I was the sinful woman. My sins were many, my debt was great, but Jesus turned to me and said, "Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you, go in peace" and I have never been the same. I will boldly worship Him! I will extravagantly love Him all the days of my life on this earth and into eternity. I wll become even more undignified than this as I live forever more down at His feet!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Going Back to Sierra Leone...
Sweet Family in Christ,
Well, it looks like it is that time again. God is calling me back to Sierra Leone, the land I have grown to love.
As usual I have been waiting until the last minute to send out an email asking for your help. I have been pondering over why I hesitate. I feel it is a burden on the body of Christ financially and have longed to be able to afford my own trips. Then He gently reminds me of the spiritual pride in this. He is God...He could provide our family with more income...but every part of these journey's to Africa have forced me to be totally dependent on Him. In the end this has caused my love and affection for Christ to grow.
Total dependence on Him is the resounding message He has been teaching my heart...particularly where the gospel is concerned. Though the cross is what saved me 14 years ago...today, this minute I need the gospel to be alive and active in me as much as I did then! As I understand the freedom found in Christ's death and resurrection more clearly I can more boldly share it with others. I have been studying scriptures that highlight the gospel and Christ's daily role in our lives...working more at memorization and meditation. I have been reading other materials, listening to podcasts from various teachers and having focused fasting and prayer times dedicated to understanding more of who He is and what He has done for me and for the world.
I am certain He has used my previous trips to Sierra Leone to aid in bringing me to this point. He obviously thinks they are necessary for the personal work He is doing in me which also affects every life connected to mine. I say all this to say, when God uses you to help me go, it is not only for the benefit of our brothers, sisters and the orphans there. It is also for me and those I'm called to minister to here starting with my family.
I will be travelling with Shana Rutz who is president of Komeo International Ministries. It has been a joy to help start this new non-profit organization. We hope to give the body of Christ in America an opportunity to care for orphans as well as the poor and needy in Africa. We also want to be a part of spreading the gospel in the primary Muslim nation of Sierra Leone. By God's grace we see the effects of this happening when we are there. We are incredibly humbled to be a part of what God has already been doing in Sierra Leone for many years. We are asking for the courage and strength to stay the course in the small part we have been called to.
Our trip dates are March 17-April 1. The first week of our time there will be focused on joining efforts with a team from OSU. I had the joy of serving in SL a few years ago with Dr. Mike Dicks who is an agricultural professor at Oklahoma State University. He, another professor, some students and a good friend of mine, Stephani, will be helping farm some land that will potentially be a food source as well as income for the Wellington Orphanage. Some of our kids from the orphanage will be helping with this project. This should be ALOT of fun! After the OSU team leaves, Shana Rutz and I will stay one more week. We will focus on gathering information needed for the sponsorship program to create a monthly budget. We will be able to meet with our American Helper on the ground to assist us with this. We hope to visit the 3 campuses of the 5 boys from the orphanage who are in college. Our main goal that second week will be to disciple and encourage the children through bible studies, prayer and worship times together. They each have great tasks ahead of them in the rebuilding of their nation, each assigned by the Lord. We want to empower them to walk in the fullness of all God has for them. We are also praying that we can take some of the children to evangelize the community and/or surrounding villages. Our list of to-do's while in country is daily growing. Pray God would show us HIS agenda and itinerary. We have many plans in our hearts but we desire the Lord's plans to prevail!
If you feel the Lord leading you to give, may it be worshipful, may it bring you joy and most of all may it bring you closer to Christ! I have been studying 2 Corinthians 8 and 9. I am asking God that all giving in the body of Christ reflect what I see in these 2 chapters. And may you know that any offering made towards my trip will result in much thanksgiving to God from me and those in Sierra Leone that I am going to minister to.
The cost of my trip is $2,900. Any amount donated will be a great blessing. You can mail donations to my address at:
Shanna Crawford
1700 Godhania Rd.
Edmond, OK 73003
Please make all checks payable to Komeo International Ministries for tax credit.
Here are some specific areas you can pray for us:
*That we would be emptied of ourselves and prepared spiritually for our time in country.
*That we would make the gospel our chief goal in all we do while we are there.
*That His plans would supersede our plans and His will would be done.
*That He would be glorified and lifted high through us.
*That we would grow a closer bond in our relationship with the children and staff through His Spirit.
*That we would hear His still small Voice and experience His Presence.
*That HIS ministry would be established through us.
I love you all so much my heart could burst. I am in awe that He has used you time and time again to help me visit and encourage those He has given me such a deep love for. May you know how much of a difference you are making in my life and theirs!
In our busy culture it means so much to me that you have taken the time to read this!!!
In His Love,
Shanna Crawford
www.komeo.org
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Komeo-International-Ministries/131737380225758
Well, it looks like it is that time again. God is calling me back to Sierra Leone, the land I have grown to love.
As usual I have been waiting until the last minute to send out an email asking for your help. I have been pondering over why I hesitate. I feel it is a burden on the body of Christ financially and have longed to be able to afford my own trips. Then He gently reminds me of the spiritual pride in this. He is God...He could provide our family with more income...but every part of these journey's to Africa have forced me to be totally dependent on Him. In the end this has caused my love and affection for Christ to grow.
Total dependence on Him is the resounding message He has been teaching my heart...particularly where the gospel is concerned. Though the cross is what saved me 14 years ago...today, this minute I need the gospel to be alive and active in me as much as I did then! As I understand the freedom found in Christ's death and resurrection more clearly I can more boldly share it with others. I have been studying scriptures that highlight the gospel and Christ's daily role in our lives...working more at memorization and meditation. I have been reading other materials, listening to podcasts from various teachers and having focused fasting and prayer times dedicated to understanding more of who He is and what He has done for me and for the world.
I am certain He has used my previous trips to Sierra Leone to aid in bringing me to this point. He obviously thinks they are necessary for the personal work He is doing in me which also affects every life connected to mine. I say all this to say, when God uses you to help me go, it is not only for the benefit of our brothers, sisters and the orphans there. It is also for me and those I'm called to minister to here starting with my family.
I will be travelling with Shana Rutz who is president of Komeo International Ministries. It has been a joy to help start this new non-profit organization. We hope to give the body of Christ in America an opportunity to care for orphans as well as the poor and needy in Africa. We also want to be a part of spreading the gospel in the primary Muslim nation of Sierra Leone. By God's grace we see the effects of this happening when we are there. We are incredibly humbled to be a part of what God has already been doing in Sierra Leone for many years. We are asking for the courage and strength to stay the course in the small part we have been called to.
Our trip dates are March 17-April 1. The first week of our time there will be focused on joining efforts with a team from OSU. I had the joy of serving in SL a few years ago with Dr. Mike Dicks who is an agricultural professor at Oklahoma State University. He, another professor, some students and a good friend of mine, Stephani, will be helping farm some land that will potentially be a food source as well as income for the Wellington Orphanage. Some of our kids from the orphanage will be helping with this project. This should be ALOT of fun! After the OSU team leaves, Shana Rutz and I will stay one more week. We will focus on gathering information needed for the sponsorship program to create a monthly budget. We will be able to meet with our American Helper on the ground to assist us with this. We hope to visit the 3 campuses of the 5 boys from the orphanage who are in college. Our main goal that second week will be to disciple and encourage the children through bible studies, prayer and worship times together. They each have great tasks ahead of them in the rebuilding of their nation, each assigned by the Lord. We want to empower them to walk in the fullness of all God has for them. We are also praying that we can take some of the children to evangelize the community and/or surrounding villages. Our list of to-do's while in country is daily growing. Pray God would show us HIS agenda and itinerary. We have many plans in our hearts but we desire the Lord's plans to prevail!
If you feel the Lord leading you to give, may it be worshipful, may it bring you joy and most of all may it bring you closer to Christ! I have been studying 2 Corinthians 8 and 9. I am asking God that all giving in the body of Christ reflect what I see in these 2 chapters. And may you know that any offering made towards my trip will result in much thanksgiving to God from me and those in Sierra Leone that I am going to minister to.
The cost of my trip is $2,900. Any amount donated will be a great blessing. You can mail donations to my address at:
Shanna Crawford
1700 Godhania Rd.
Edmond, OK 73003
Please make all checks payable to Komeo International Ministries for tax credit.
Here are some specific areas you can pray for us:
*That we would be emptied of ourselves and prepared spiritually for our time in country.
*That we would make the gospel our chief goal in all we do while we are there.
*That His plans would supersede our plans and His will would be done.
*That He would be glorified and lifted high through us.
*That we would grow a closer bond in our relationship with the children and staff through His Spirit.
*That we would hear His still small Voice and experience His Presence.
*That HIS ministry would be established through us.
I love you all so much my heart could burst. I am in awe that He has used you time and time again to help me visit and encourage those He has given me such a deep love for. May you know how much of a difference you are making in my life and theirs!
In our busy culture it means so much to me that you have taken the time to read this!!!
In His Love,
Shanna Crawford
www.komeo.org
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Komeo-International-Ministries/131737380225758
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Made Perfect Through Suffering
I have had a rough day.
I have been asking the Lord to help me understand more of who He is. I have also been asking to be stripped of anything keeping me from coming closer to Him. Well, prayers like these leave me crying on my bed half way through the day :)
I do not want to turn to any thing or anyone (not even myself) but Him in my struggle to maintain day to day...in my discouragement...in my rejection...in my hunger...in my tiredness...in my emotional weakness. You get the point.
I want Him to be my ALL.
I also want to practice what I preach. I really don't want to be a pharisee, pretending everything is perfect on the outside to only be filled with spiritual pride on the inside. So to make sure that does not happen, I struggle with my flesh to gain mastery over it through the power of His Spirit. I fight with all of His energy inside of me to be less like me and more like Him.
Some days it is SO hard. I just want to give into my flesh. I want to be like the normal, luke-warm church member. I want to only give Him reign in the areas I choose. I want to just be human. But then I remember, He created me to be super-human. This world is not my home and it's ways are not my ways. I am called to be like Him.
As I wept on my bed I asked Him to forgive me for the places I have not been trusting Him. As I cried the most precious thing happened, I felt the freedom that comes with His forgiveness. I came to His throne for grace and mercy in my time of need and he freely gave it to me.
I wish I could say everything was perfect after that. Nope. Since then I have been tired, hungry, emotionally needy, sick...and in the struggle of these 'feelings' and circumstances I had to choose Him over coffee, Taco Mayo, facebook, self-pity...
Now that the day is ending I am so glad that I chose to memorize Hebrews 2:10 this morning. I have found great comfort today in knowing that the author of my salvation was made perfect through suffering.
This makes my American suffering a bit more bearable ;)
Hebrews 2:10
In bringing many sons and daughters to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through what he suffered.
I have been asking the Lord to help me understand more of who He is. I have also been asking to be stripped of anything keeping me from coming closer to Him. Well, prayers like these leave me crying on my bed half way through the day :)
I do not want to turn to any thing or anyone (not even myself) but Him in my struggle to maintain day to day...in my discouragement...in my rejection...in my hunger...in my tiredness...in my emotional weakness. You get the point.
I want Him to be my ALL.
I also want to practice what I preach. I really don't want to be a pharisee, pretending everything is perfect on the outside to only be filled with spiritual pride on the inside. So to make sure that does not happen, I struggle with my flesh to gain mastery over it through the power of His Spirit. I fight with all of His energy inside of me to be less like me and more like Him.
Some days it is SO hard. I just want to give into my flesh. I want to be like the normal, luke-warm church member. I want to only give Him reign in the areas I choose. I want to just be human. But then I remember, He created me to be super-human. This world is not my home and it's ways are not my ways. I am called to be like Him.
As I wept on my bed I asked Him to forgive me for the places I have not been trusting Him. As I cried the most precious thing happened, I felt the freedom that comes with His forgiveness. I came to His throne for grace and mercy in my time of need and he freely gave it to me.
I wish I could say everything was perfect after that. Nope. Since then I have been tired, hungry, emotionally needy, sick...and in the struggle of these 'feelings' and circumstances I had to choose Him over coffee, Taco Mayo, facebook, self-pity...
Now that the day is ending I am so glad that I chose to memorize Hebrews 2:10 this morning. I have found great comfort today in knowing that the author of my salvation was made perfect through suffering.
This makes my American suffering a bit more bearable ;)
Hebrews 2:10
In bringing many sons and daughters to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through what he suffered.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Radiance of God's Glory
I have been intentionally making more time to spend with the Lord in the last week. I have been asking Him to help me understand more of who He is. He is so much more than Savior. And Savior would be more than enough.
I am going to blog over the next few weeks what He shows me.
As for now, I am blown away that this God who always was, always is and always will be is not ashamed to call us brothers and sisters. He is our faithful and merciful High Priest. He is our Intercessor. He chooses to dwell inside of us: sinful, weak, human beings who were at one time His enemies. He left heaven to come and live among us so that He could experience every temptation that we face. Instead of giving us the wrath we deserve, He says that we can find mercy and grace at His throne in our time of need.
He is so much more than my mind can conceive and He has given me my whole life to seek Him out in all of His mystery. I really want to KNOW Him, not know about Him, not learn stories that make me feel good. I want to KNOW Him. I want to know the power of His resurrected life living inside of me. I want to know and experience Him by sharing in His sufferings. I want to KNOW Him in His fullness, through the scriptures and through my daily experience with Him.
He has taken me on a journey in the last year to really understand what the gospel means for me and humanity. To understand the importance of the good news of Jesus Christ and to radically share it with others. As I am carrying out this conviction I feel I must understand who Jesus Christ is more fully. I want to build every part of my life on the foundation of who He is.
Please pray for me as I seek to know the Risen One in deeper ways...ways that will change my thinking and my life.
Hebrews 1:3 The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.
I am going to blog over the next few weeks what He shows me.
As for now, I am blown away that this God who always was, always is and always will be is not ashamed to call us brothers and sisters. He is our faithful and merciful High Priest. He is our Intercessor. He chooses to dwell inside of us: sinful, weak, human beings who were at one time His enemies. He left heaven to come and live among us so that He could experience every temptation that we face. Instead of giving us the wrath we deserve, He says that we can find mercy and grace at His throne in our time of need.
He is so much more than my mind can conceive and He has given me my whole life to seek Him out in all of His mystery. I really want to KNOW Him, not know about Him, not learn stories that make me feel good. I want to KNOW Him. I want to know the power of His resurrected life living inside of me. I want to know and experience Him by sharing in His sufferings. I want to KNOW Him in His fullness, through the scriptures and through my daily experience with Him.
He has taken me on a journey in the last year to really understand what the gospel means for me and humanity. To understand the importance of the good news of Jesus Christ and to radically share it with others. As I am carrying out this conviction I feel I must understand who Jesus Christ is more fully. I want to build every part of my life on the foundation of who He is.
Please pray for me as I seek to know the Risen One in deeper ways...ways that will change my thinking and my life.
Hebrews 1:3 The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.
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